Sunday, August 22, 2010

15-14. Learning to Forgive.

Hey. I am a slacker. Saturday morning, my mom and I went to find wedding favors and found the perfect ones. :) Then I worked an 11-9 shift. Then right after me and Emmalee saw "The Switch" together. Super precious romcom. I told Tayler that in the whole movie I saw him as Jason Bateman. The dad part of him. Not so much the "realist" part of him. haha. Tayler is always looking at the better side of things. The grass is always greener ya know?

Well. I guess I need a venter blog. To finally just hold back the feelings of angry that I've had for what seems like a while. I wish I could just make this post private. I'm not going to name names. But I'm sure they'll guess themselves or close friends who I've talked to about this.

I guess I'll start off with group. Group was called, "Who You Are is Not What You've Done." It was also a class at the FSA conference this year presented by Martina Muir.

We talked about the grieving process and also about certain phases that we go through.

Phases during and after placement:

1. Panic Phase

2. Decision Phase

3. Strength Phase

4. Stand on your own Phase

5. Relapse or Thrive Phase (your choice)

I can tell you that I've been through every single one of those phases during my pregnancy.

My panic phase is finding out I was pregnant.
My decision phase was finding out for myself if I wanted to parent or place. (Around the same time I found out the gender)
My strength phase was going through with the decision to place. (I sent out a little package announcing to Dustinn and Val about their baby girl)
My Stand on my Own phase would probably be inbetween after telling them and placement.
My thrive phase. I have chosen to not go back into old habits and move on. I have been to presentations and told my story and talked about to make my lips numb. But I could shout it from the rooftops because I feel that telling my story, shows the love I have for my daughter and I don't want people to question that I never did.

I still continue going through that phase after placement.

My panic phase is going through labor and delivery.
My decision phase is to go through with the placement.
My strength phase is signing papers.
My stand on my own phase is going home.
I went through a relapse phase getting home and going through a panic phase when going to bed and sleeping by myself and not with my daughter.

As I continue going through the grieving process and other things. I can see these little phases inbetween. While grieving, I have definitely seen that I will remember certain things that happened last year. I definitely hear myself saying a lot of the time, "This time last year I was..." I remember every little date, every little anniversary. I remember the day Nic broke up with me. I remember the day that I found out I was pregnant. I remember the day telling him. I remember the day(s) asking for his help. I remember the doctors appointments. I remember hearing the heart beat. I remember feeling Olivia kick. I remember making an adoption plan. I remember the ultrasound date. I remember sending off the package. I remember going to Virginia for a week. I remember going to Olive Garden where Nic and D&V met for the first time. I remember Nic having a freak out and having to go to LDS Famservices. I remember Nic apologizing to me. I remember Nic feeling Olivia kick for the first time. I remember the day little miss Olivia came into the world. All of it. Everyday. It's a trigger for me. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry because I feel so overwhelmed by those days. It's like I'm going through them all over again.

Now. How that it's affecting me. Tayler and I have probably been in numerous conversations about a certain person lately. Probably because of same major events that have occured. I didn't care in the beginning. But over time, it has slowly just made me angry. Just one thing.

I'm baby hungry. If anyone knows me and is around me. I will talk about each darling baby that we pass by. Tayler and I will not be having kids for a while. But babies are my weakness. Probably just because I miss my little baby.

But something about this and finding out made me really mad. It was unfair to me. Blah. These are the thoughts that went through my head. I don't understand that she gets to keep her baby and I didn't. I'm glad that you could commit to her and not me. What made ME such a bad person to be with? Why was I not good enough? As much as I wish that it didn't effect me. It did. I say did. Because I don't care anymore. It's their life. I'm about to start my own life with someone AMAZING and I don't need to look back on the past and the "what if's" and the "could've been's." It all worked out the way it was supposed to. I don't think I could've been as happy if it worked out the way I wanted it to in the beginning. And trust me. I think both of us moving on has made us the happiest that we could be. Or maybe even more.

I don't hate them. I don't desire a friendship with them either. I just respect them. I was nervous. I may have been awkward but I'm over it. I'm sure I'll still have my days and I'll be angry. But I'm dealing with it and I'm still trying to forgive him. It's not that I haven't moved on. I have. It's forgiving that is the hardest part.

I don't want anyone to say that, "It turned out for the better." Maybe I like to vent and want you to agree with me. Not remind me. That phrase in general, makes me even more mad. I know everything turned out for "the better." But how do YOU exactly know that everything turned out for the better? Are you the expert in MY life? Thanks for telling me that it's better that my child is with another family. Or that I am a failure and always have been and that I would've been incapable of raising my child. You may not think that's what you're saying. But that's how I'm taking it. Please be a little bit more sensitive when throwing around that phrase to people.
I don't tell you when you're going through a hard time. i.e. Your grandmother passed away. I don't say, "Well. We all know she's in a better place." Um. No. You want to be upset and grieve that she's gone. I'm sure you'll find peace knowing that. But there are days that you wish she wasn't gone. Am I right?

Points to Remember:

  • Know that our actions do not define our worth nor do they define the worth of others.
  • Take time to discover 'who we are' as a child of God. Try to see yourself the way He does and earn to love yourself exactly the way you are (with all of your strengths, weaknesses, talents, gifts, challenges, physical appearance, and personality traits).
  • Keep that vision in your m ind as you create goals, make choices, and live your life. If you do this, you will find a deeper desire to live in a way that is aligned with 'who you are.'
  • Remember that the longest lasting change n your life will come from all of the smaller choices- the ones you make moment by moment. When you look back you will be amazed at how they really add up (even more than one large experience).
  • When we (or someone you love) makes mistakes we need to comfort and support instead of condemning and/or criticizing. Show lots of love, kindness, and mercy.
  • Build a relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. He loves you so very much and He knows how to strengthen and support you no matter what you are feeling. Turn to him and "Pray always that you may come off conqueror..." (D&C 10:5)

Please just bear with me while I am grieving or going through some certain phases. You may ask me how I'm doing it's not like I'm grieving everyday. I'm sure you'll get an earful if I am. Somehow blogging about it has taken some burden off my shoulders. Just as long as these individuals are willing to forgive me for being immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. They don't need to ever vocally ever have to say that they forgive me. I just hope someday in their hearts they will. Because I'm sorry. And I'm working hard in forgiving. It will take sometime. It's not anything that they have personally done. It's something that I'm working on.

6 days until my bridal shower :) I hope to see you there!
We're hopefully sending out our wedding invitations this week.
10 days until I move into mine and Tayler's apartment.



  1. You have every right to be mad!!!! That dude is a jackass! Just remember everyone gets what they deserve in the end. Karma is going to come back & bite him in the ass in the end & for all the sadness and pain you've had to experience God will bless you with 1000x that in happiness. It just might not be right away. The man in you're marrying is a billion times more of a man then he could ever dream to be. We've already talked about this & I know I've probably already said all that, but I strongly believe he'll get his in the end for doing this to you even if it wasn't intential. And you have every right to be mad & angry at him. You're a stronger person than I am becase I wouldn't even be able to think about forgiving him. Even though being angry will only hurt you. Ugh. Don't like that guy at all. :(

  2. When people say that it's because they don't know what else to say and they want to try to comfort you in some way.

    I'm sorry things look crappy, but you know you are getting the better man. Even if that means that you didn't get to mother Olivia. In the eternities it will be your relationship with your HUSBAND that will be the most important relationship (aside from God).

    And just so you know, I love you, and I always try to give you the benefit of the doubt. I have never been in your situation, so who knows if I'd be able to handle it any where near as well as you do. You are always forgiven.

  3. Thanks for giving the examples of what some of you Panic-Decision-Strength-Stand on your own-Thrive cycles have been. You are so brave. That is a really clear & powerful way to understand the grieving process.

    I agree with Erika that people don't know what to say and intend to comfort you (when they really end up hurting you.)
    From the infertility side, some of the people who love us the most can say really scarring things. Of course, not intentionally (even said with love.) They just haven't been in our shoes.
    I'm sorry that has been said to you. It is terribly hurtful. You are and will be an incredible mother.
    btw, I am always here if you want to talk.

  4. I love your blog!! I love how you just write it and don't care. Thanks for sharing with us, hope you know that I am here to anytime you need to talk. You are amazing! xoxoxo