18. Blog Stalking.

Ha. Interesting from counting down that this is 18 on the 18th. Anyway. So what I love about having a blog is being able to read others blogs and learn from their perspective. And one that I have personally loved and probably cried my eyes out and really made me think about my experience with adoption was this blog here. It's a perspective of a (birth)grandmother. I put the ( ) around birth because her daughter is expecting and they're currently going through the process. They have chosen a family but trust me.

I still remember my hard days and just not wanting to deal with the adoption. When I read her blog, it helps me understand a little bit more of the grief of a grandmother. Or more of my mother when I was going through. I probably don't remember it correctly and my mom will correct me. I don't remember her being very vocal. I'm sure she'd give me counsel and guidance and what she thought. But it was never her thoughts and feelings.

I was probably really insensitive to girls who brought their moms to group and the moms seemed to be dealing with it harder than the girls who were actually going through it. And I didn't understand that. But after reading her blog, it has opened my eyes. Just reading it, the emotions are so real and so raw that I feel like I'm going through it all over again. And that I'm emotionally drained from just reading a post or two. You'll have to start reading her blog from the beginning.

Here is a picture of my mom with Olivia right before placement and the second one is from the last visit.

I called Val yesterday. For some reason it was a pretty tough day and I think I just wanted to hear Val's voice. I wanted to tell her what was going on. I think I had been pretty deprived of it even though I saw them for like 20 minutes a week ago. And I'll see them again at my wedding. I just think I needed to talk to somebody who is directly related to our situation. I can talk Tayler's ear off but I don't think I was getting the answers I needed. And Val always seems to comfort me.

My friend Emmalee met them last week and she was telling me that Dustinn and Val are like a breath of fresh air. Exact words. That they are so personable and geniune people and how she wishes that there were more people out there like them. Totally perfect for Olivia and Bradshaw? I think so. :) Their whole family is that way. Such sweet people. I love them!

Val and I got on the topic of the blog. And she pointed out about this letter that daughter had recieved from a lady in their ward who "surrendered" her baby 40 years ago and regrets it. She was telling her to parent her baby and that it'll only be hard for the first few years. Nice advice. One part of the letter I'm sure I just glanced over but Val caught on to it. And it's probably something I needed to hear and that's why I needed to talk to her. Val and I would talk everyday on the phone while I was pregnant. And the phone calls have just been less with everything going on in my life. Super busy. Oh my heck. I tear up just thinking about what she said. This is the part of the letter,

"Once your daughter is placed in that other home she will be their family. You will not have the role or the right to be recognized as her flesh and blood."

Val said to me, "That totally isn't true in our home. Olivia knows. I know she's little and doesn't really understand it now. But she will always know. She's known since the day she was born where she comes from and why she's here. Not a day goes by that we don't tell her that."

Dustinn and Val are seriously the greatest people ever. And the biggest answers to my prayers. Even now. My journey isn't over. I wrote a blog about fears and how we fear our child won't know who we are or why we did what we did. They are the calm in my chaotic storm of life.

(And I know it's true. Because when they came out to visit. My background on my computer changes. And it changed to a picture of me and Tayler. Bradshaw pointed at the picture of me and said, "STEFANIE!"... well it was more "tefany!" hahah.)

I still have to tell myself that some days will definitely be harder than others. In 5 days, Olivia will be 11 months old. It's surreal to me that she'll be a year old next month. A whole year has gone by. Incredible. Seeing how much she has grown and how much I have learned from her. She is my biggest life lesson that I could never forget. And I want to thank Dustinn and Val for being the incredible people that they are. :) I need to go to work but I promise I'll e-mail you about the birthday plans (hopefully after work).

My heart and prayers go out to McKinnah and her family and her mom. :)