Saturday, July 24, 2010


Olivia was sealed yesterday to her family. (July 23, 2010)

I will let you know the events of the day. It was a pretty good day. I drove to Salt Lake. And I got there around 3:30. And we walked around on the Temple grounds. I went inside the North visitors center. Then I went into the South to see the big Salt Lake Temple replica that they just built. That was really cool. You know. It was a very surreal moment. To just walk around and think, "They're in there. I was told that they would probably get out around 4.

On my way over to the waiting rooms, we were still in the South building. It was probably close to 4 and I got this overwhelming feeling and all of these chills. I was thinking about RuthAnn had told me while I was pregnant.

I was thinking, "What does this all mean? That she spiritually wasn't mine anymore?" Ha. I had no idea but I just wanted to break down and cry. But I stayed pretty strong throughout the day.

My older sister, RuthAnn, and my parents were able to be in the Temple with them. RuthAnn isn't one to get emotional about anything, really. She pulled me away for just a minute while Tayler talked to my dad and Dustinn's dad. We were all just waiting for D and V to come out. RuthAnn started off saying, "I just wanted to tell you this part about the sealing. And it made me think of you." She took a minute to collect her thoughts and her eyes were swelling up with tears. As were mine. And she began again, "At first, she was sort of fussy and got overwhelmed with everyone in the room and was hyperventilating that she didn't know all of these people. They placed her on the altar and then the rest of the time she was fine. Me, mom, and dad were sitting on one side of the room and D&V had their backs to us. While D was holding Olivia. Olivia was peeping over her shoulder and she stared at me, mom, and dad. She really looked at me for a long time. And for some reason, it really made me think of you. It made me think that she knew what was happening."

I'm just getting emotional just typing all of that. It's such an amazing, peaceful feeling. V and I joke how the blessing... well, not the actual blessing itself but the day was just sort of a wreck. But this redeemed it.

While waiting, RuthAnn wanted to test out her new camera.

This older couple came out. The husband was looking really closely into RuthAnn's lense. And the wife stood in front of me and was telling her husband to get in the picture to add some class. Apparently, I'm not classy enough. Hahaha. Seriously. So funny.

We took that above picture and then I saw Polly (Val's sister) carrying Olivia and she brought her right to me. Olivia was tired but as soon as she saw me she gave me a big smile. And she didn't seem too overwhelmed.

We had a short amount of time because V's whole family was going on a vacation to El Salvador. Including D,V,B&O. Here are some pictures from that day. V and D did a little photoshoot before the sealing (during the week) and this is on their blog.

On the way back to our car.  Walking around the Temple and sitting in the waiting room and seeing them all come out together, it was really one of the most spiritual experiences of my life.

Olivia 2 weeks old
Olivia 10 months old.

It's not exactly hard because I knew this day was going to happen. Whether I wanted it to or not. But trust me, I wanted it to happen. I am SO happy for them. I'm so grateful for this knowledge of the Gospel and knowing we can be sealed to each other not just in this life, but in the next. This all has changed my life so much. And a lot for the better. 
Congrats V, D, B & Olivia!!
I love you all so very much! Thank you for everything.

Yesterday, also marks Olivia being 10 months old.

Oh. BTW. I may be kind of space-y with the blog. I'm making my blog into a book! Just for myself to keep record of it all. I'm excited!! :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Day in the Life of SJ

Someone asked me on my formspring to write about my day and what goes on. Just a day to day thing. I wish I could do it everyday but my schedule is conflicting :) So this is one of the days in the life of Stefanie Jinelle (SJ). BTW. I also got the stomach flu this past week. It got pretty bad and had to call in sick for two days of work. I got burned like the first night I came back. A girl ran into me while I was carrying some soup and it spilled all over my hand. You can say that I was NOT a happy camper the rest of the night. I have some blisters on my fingers on my left hand. Saturday has been a pretty productive day for me. My mom and I had planned on meeting with Sweet Treats to have a consultation for the wedding cake. It was in Herriman and there is a Tai Pan in Sandy and we had been looking for centerpieces.

Our meeting was at 1. So we left around 11:30 and got to Tai Pan and went browsing. We were looking for these yellow pots that my mom had purchased early to put as centerpieces but they were all out of them. We found these really pretty centerpieces.

I had just envisioned putting flowers in them. Not so "Beauty and the Beast"esque. Just flowers. Red and Yellow. My colors :) We had a bit of a dilemma. We have 8 tables. We found 8 of them... 3 different sizes. 4 large. 3 medium. 1 small. We were hoping to call the other Tai Pan stores to see if they had them. But we had to leave to meet with the cake lady.

The above yellow vase is what we were looking for.

The below is the first one we bought which will have a big flower arrangement in it :)
Which led my mom to buying the above to match it.

We had our consultation and I brought in my colors and some pictures of cakes that I liked. We have designed a 4-tier cake and it'll look extremely beautiful. I seriously can't wait for this to all come together. Now that time is getting closer (2 months and 5 days) I get more and more excited for the day and how beautiful it really is going to be. I'll be able to relax on that day and see all my dreams come true. I know right now I might complain and be sick of it. But what girl could really be sick of planning her dream wedding? Some things are frustrating and time consuming but other than that, it's magical.

Oh and you'll have to come because the cake is FABULOUS.

We were talking to the cake lady about cake stands and cake toppers and she said that we could find some at Hobby Lobby. We went to Hobby Lobby and found THEE cutest picture frames that we could use to put as centerpieces. There are 16 of them but they're all different but they all tie together. I'm a big antique fan. I love the antique look of things.

When we got back to Tai Pan they said they called the Clearfield store and they didn't have any there. They called the Orem store and they said they had two there. The large size and we thought it would be perfect. We ended up buying the 8 in Sandy. We drove home. My mom went out with my dad and I went to Orem to pick them up. I got there and signed the receipt and took them back to my car and realized... NOT THE SAME ONES. AT ALL. This is the completely the frustrating part of wedding planning. You want things to go your way and to dream of it then to have it shattered. You're like, awesome. I wanted to break down and cry but I thought it would be silly to cry over some vases. I went back and looked around the store and they didn't have them there.

I got home and e-mailed pictures of the centerpieces and yellow vases and the measurements to my florist while my mom called the Clearfield store. They said that they had the vases in their system so they should be getting another shipping in of them. We just need to call back like EVERY week.

Dustinn and Val had e-mailed me early that week about seeing them again before the sealing and they'll be leaving right after the sealing to go to El Salvador for a family vacation. I'm sure that'll be a little bit easier on me that day. We'll take a few pictures before they leave. But it seriously is IMMEDIATELY after they have to catch a flight.

I called them on the way back home from Sandy and they said that they were planning on going to a drive-in movie if I wanted to come see Toy Story 3 with them. I said, of course! It was in Salt Lake at 9:30 PM.

I got there and it was totally cash only and Dustinn came out and gave me some cash and I drove in and parked up a little bit from their van and sat with them. It was me, D, V, B, O and Val's two sisters, her brother, and a friend from Texas. They handed little Olivia to me when I got there but she was pretty tired and fussy. So we made her a bottle and she just dipped back and fell asleep. She was asleep through most of the movie. But it was precious to look down and see her sweet face. It reminded me during the time that I was pregnant. Like a few days before delivering. It was me, Nic, Dustinn, and Val and we watched a movie at their cabin. And Nic was feeling my stomach to feel Olivia kick. Val was sitting to the right of me and Dustinn was sitting to the right of her. I had no one on my left (Nic would've taken that place if it were back while I was pregnant) and just Olivia. In my lap. Sleeping. Every once in a while making movements or when she got really hot she'd flinch and cry a little bit and want her mom to rock her back to sleep.

That part didn't really bother me just as long as I'd watch her fall asleep. It was more of a comforting feeling to see that. That she has adapted so well into their family. That it's like an, "Okay. I made the right decison." And Val would bring her back to me. So precious.

I went and saw Inception with some friends tonight. It was a pretty good movie. But I have to leave with this funny story.

Texting Tayler after the movie:

Tayler: Are you still in the movie's babe?

Me: Just got out. The movie was pretty good. It's looooooong.

Tayler: How long?

Me: Almost 3 months.

Tayler: I didn't know you were watching that movie for 3 months. Haha. Your last text babe.

I obviously thought I had said almost 3 hours. Not months... hahahahahaha.
Seriously. Tears are still streaming down my face.

I work at 8 in the morning and it's almost 2. Awesome. I hope you enjoyed my life. It's pretty fascinating right? Meh. Just a lot of wedding planning to keep me busy :)
I'm also looking for REALLY cute maroon flats for my wedding day. So if you find any online. Let me know. :) I'm also looking for a cheap caterer in the Utah County area. I'd greatly appreciate knowing that also!
Good night!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Olivia's Baby Blessing

I wish I had pictures to show you guys but they're all on Dustinn and Val's camera. Today has been a really off day for me. I probably haven't had a day like this in a long time.
A part of me has felt that I'm starting over in the grieving process. But a part of me has moved on and I'm genuinely happy for the J family.

Tayler couldn't make it to the blessing because he worked late Saturday night and works early Monday morning. I didn't think it was a big deal but it ended up being a big deal to me. I invited some friends. One had a work. The other got sick and then another one was going to ride with the "sick one" haha. So. I had no friends. And my sisters all decided to sleep in (They had a pretty busy week, I understand. I was just mad in the moment). So it was just me and my parents.

Before anyone asks, Yes. Nic was there. If you haven't heard. He's engaged. He brought his fiance. Who brought her whole family. We're civil. That's all. Haha. Atleast. I try to be. Or genuinely caring about what's going on their life. But that's about it.

It was sweet though. She was blessed at D&V's branch (their family has a cabin). We got there and Val asked me to help her put on Olivia's blessing dress. And I sat next to D&V and had Olivia a lot of the time. Val's family all spoke today in Church and they were all wonderful talks :) Olivia's blessing dress was a simple but beautiful white dress. It looked darling on her.

The blessing was at the beginning and I didn't realize how emotional I was going to be. I almost started crying on the way up. Then once Church had started and Val's oldest brother came in she whispered to me, "I'm going to cry." And I started tearing up. I wrote down bits and pieces of Olivia's blessing. But it was sweet. When all the men came up to bless her. Val's mom put her arm around me and started to cry and said, "She's so beautiful." Hello. Welcome water works.

Seriously. The most tender blessing from a father to his daughter. It's beautiful. Dustinn had brought her back. And she was crawling over Val and reached for me and hugged me. And just snuggled with me for what seemed like a lifetime. I didn't want her to stop. (I told Tayler about it and he said it was like she was saying thank you)
This whole day has just been a rollercoaster ride for me. On the ride down from the canyon. I couldn't stop bawling. I had to supress my screams for prayers to feel at peace with everything that had happened that day. I felt out of place yet that everything that happened was right. I was torn. Completely. My heart was in two. My grief to just love her and care for her as her mother was all there again. But my heart was so full and grateful for this opprotunity for Dustinn and Val to have their family eternally.

I remember sitting in the pews and watching my mom hold Olivia. The thought ran across my mind and I tried to imagine if this is what it would've been like if I would've parented. Not so much the heartache but my heart being full of love. But it was just such an unsettling feeling for me. That everything was rightfully in it's place for her. That there IS a plan in store, not just for Olivia. But for all of us. Especially me.

I talk to my sister a lot about this. It's hard to feel support from others when all you hear is their judments. The whole "not getting married in the Temple" thing. Or "I'm settling for a civil marriage" thing. Things were meant to be hard for me. I've always felt that and I've known that. I was talking to a friend the other day about that. That even though somedays I wished that things would've been easy for me. That everything was just served to me on a silver platter which it seems like everyone's life around me is. Everyone in the Mormon community. That no one has sinned and no one has been in my place and they all lead perfect lives. But at the same time I question, would I be as grateful if I didn't have the trials that I've had? Would I be as emotionally mature enough to handle things if adversity did come my way eventually? I may not have picked the easiest life for myself. But it's something I won't take for granted because I have learned so much not just about myself. But about the love my Savior has for me and for my birthdaughter.

I have learned so much what I need to do to get myself to the Temple. It sure has hell isn't easy. I can't just one day be cured. I have to work hard. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I know I haven't made perfect choices. But everyone has consequences. I'm not complaining about them one bit. It was all MY choice. I can't blame anyone else but myself. I'm doing everything I can to make things right. I'm facing them instead of ignoring them. There is a lot in store for me that I don't know about but I'm excited to see where I am a few years from now.

I called Tayler after. I felt bad because on the drive home I was still upset and he asked me to tell him all about it. I felt gyped. I was like, "No. I shouldn't have to tell you. You should've been there." But I needed a few to calm down. I called him when I got home and told him everything. He pretty much just started crying. He was saying, "I'm so happy for Dustinn and Val. I'm happy that you were able to see all of that happen. It's because of you this happened for them. I'm proud of you and what you've done for them."

AAAAAAAAAAA. Tayler. Why do you always make me cry? haha. Seriously. Here come the water works again. He seriously is the best. I don't know how many times a day that I tell him that. But I try to tell him about a trillion times. He amazes me. He is my biggest support. I'm sad that he couldn't make it out today but he'll be here for the sealing on the 23rd of this month. I'm hoping that it'll be a little bit better and that I'll have a shoulder cry on after. Haha.

I'm truly grateful to know my little one. And to know how blessed she truly is and how awesome of parents she has. I have so many people tell me that she is one of the happiest baby's that they have ever seen. And I think it has to do a lot of how uplifting and how positive their whole family is. I couldn't ask for a better family.
I love you, Dustinn, Valery, Bradshaw and Olivia.

Congrats. You're all so lucky to have each other. And I'm lucky to be apart of all the magic that went on today. Thank you for sharing it with me.

BTW. My next post will be my 200th post. What should I write about? :)

Friday, July 2, 2010

Songs That Have Meaning

Have you ever just listened to a song and you're like, oh yeah. That TOTALLY applies to me right now. And it can mean something completely different. There are two songs that I have in my mind right now that I'll tell you about. One is about adoption. One is about Jessica.

I can't get the videos to work from youtube. So... you'll need to search them.

Adoption song:

I listened to this song when I was pregnant. I'll just pick at the lyrics and I'll tell you what they mean to me.

Two Worlds Collide- Demi Lovato

She was given the world
so much that she couldn't see
And she needed someone
To show her who she could be
And she tried to survive
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
But I needed you to believe

This part reminds me of when I needed Nic I guess. I hate saying that now but in the moment I did. And when I needed to tell him that I was pregnant I just let it all out hoping that he would believe me and believe what we needed to do together. And this is the outcome.

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine.
Showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide.

This part of the song I believe can be played out in two different ways. One way of an adoptive mom. Given a role of being a mother but not being able to be one and a birthmom comes along and is able to give that to her. Another perspective could be a birthmom trying her hardest to be a single mom but afraid of not being able to find the right family and then finding the right ones.

She was scared of it all
Watching from far away
She was given a role
Never knew just when to play
And she tried to survive
Living a life on her own
Always afraid of the throne
But you've given me strength to find hope

Of course, this part of the chorus meant to me that telling D&V that they will be the parents. They had their dreams of being a parent and so did I (or what I wanted in the adoption). They had their fears I could back out but I knew that this is what I wanted to do. They showed me what it meant to be a family and that's what I needed to find for my daughter. And it's the world of an adoptive couple and birth parents colliding.

You had your dreams, I had mine.
You had your fears, I was fine.
You showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide.

This part always brought me to tears when I was pregnant.

She was scared.
Lost in the dark
Falling apart
I can survive
With you by my side
We're gonna be all right
(We're gonna be all right)
This is what happens when two worlds collide.

I did survive. And I can survive knowing that my little Olivia is being taken care of and that I know D&V will always be by my side supporting me. It's not that they don't have to talk to me anymore because they got what they wanted. I was a big help in helping create their eternal family and it's an extreme blessing knowing that I was apart of that for them.

Jessica's song:

This song has been on the radio and just the chorus really stood out to me. Sometimes I just want to break out into tears when I hear the song. I hear her just kind of saying that to someone if she were still here or if she were to come back.

Impossible by Shontelle

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

You are strong and I was not
My illusion, My mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did, I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead and tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the skyline
All we had was gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart was broken
And my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done embarrasing me
On your own you can go ahead and tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the skyline
All we had was gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart was broken
And my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be

I love music :) I could just listen to it for hours. I'm trying to make a wedding playlist. I found the song that I'm going to use while walking down the aisle. I think it's SUPER cute.

Hung the Moon by Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

P.S. I don't know those people in this video. I just like the song :)

If you all know of any songs that I should add to my wedding playlist that I don't have. Let me know. :)

It's all mostly just love songs. Duh. Ha. Fast or slow. Old or new. Whatever.