Friday, January 21, 2011

Eggo is NOT Preggo.

2 years have passed since that "unholy plus sign" had graced it's presence in my life.

But looking back at 2 years from today, I didn't think I would make this far. Yes, eventually I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. Eventually, that plus sign was going to be a baby. And yes, that meant I had to make a decision for that baby. 2 years have passed and I've dodged that bittersweet bullet or drank the wrong glass of "water" and not pregnant again. 2 years in a row (yay?).

For those of you who don't know my lovely story, I'll share it with you what it was like 2 years ago, today.

January 21, 2009 was a normal day to me. Nothing new except some allergic reaction on my legs had resurfaced a few days before. And 11 days before that, my boyfriend had broken up with me. At the time, I was moving on, I knew at some point I was going to have to return all of his CD's, movies and clothes that were in the backseat of my car and being the desperate, broken-hearted 18 year old that thought had found true love- needed to find something to hold on to.

I drove to the doctors to see what was wrong with me this time. Around Christmas, I started getting sick and ended up getting a sinus infection and I was taking antibiotics for it. Only to find out I was allergic to my antibiotics and was taking some for those. And for those of you who don't know, birth control and antibiotics cancel each other out and could result in a pregnancy. I did not know that bit of information. 

The doctor asked me the usual questions and then asked me if I had missed my cycle. I had to think back when I had it last and when I should be having it. I am very regular and knew that I would have it every 28 days. And I realized that it had been passed 28 days. Not by much, possibly a week. I had a little bit of a sinking feeling but I denied that I was pregnant. The doctor asked me to take a test just in case. To this day, I had never seen a positive pregnancy test for myself. I didn't see it when the doctor did it. The only time I knew was when the doctor walked into the room, which seemed like an eternity for him to tell me the results and he told me, "It looks to me, your test is pretty positive." 

Pretty positive??! Like I could be pregnant or I couldn't be pregnant? What are you trying to say? Well, when it's positive, it's positive. I'm expecting. The only time that I knew for a fact that I was pregnant is when they took a blood test after my "pretty positive" urine test and they printed out a piece of paper with the levels of pregnancy hormones and to come back next week to do another one to see if I was going to "stay pregnant." From what the paper told me I was about 5-7 weeks pregnant.

I didn't have a test to show anyone, I had a little piece of paper that said I was pregnant. It was in my blood so it proves it, apparently. I couldn't even cry at the doctor's office. I had cried so much the 11 days before that my body couldn't even produce any sort of saline. I had to force my tears and tell him that my boyfriend broke up with me and I had no idea what I was going to do. He asked if it was a possibility if we were going to get back together. I said, "We'll see." I cried only so the doctor saw that I had some sort of emotion that I wasn't an emotionless freak. 

The first person I told? My mom. Over a text message. She asked me how I felt and all I texted back was, "Scared." Scared right? Most people are ecstatic to find out their expecting. Not me. I didn't know what to do. I was going to have to raise a baby, possibly on my own. Find a place to live or hide out in my parents basement. First, I needed to figure out if I had to do everything on my own.

I called N and told him that I needed to talk to him in person (and return all of his stuff). I told my dad in person and asked me if N and I were planning on getting married. I told him that I hadn't told him yet. I called my sisters the next morning and just went down the line (Oh, how I love having 5 sisters). One of my sisters was on a mission and found out via e-mail.  I have amazing parents who were so supportive through everything. They told me that they would support me whichever choice, I made.

I believe, on the 23rd, I went to N's parents house and gave him stuff and pulled him aside in another room and said I had to tell him something. I looked around the room and sort of soaked in my nervous atmosphere to gain composure. I was scared to death about his reaction. I didn't know if he would be angry (he's not a very angry person), I didn't know if he would cry (I had never seen him cry after 7 months of knowing him), or if he'd be happy. I (probably) whispered, "Just so you know, I'm pregnant." N said, "I kind of figured from the phone call." He asked me if I was sure. Who knows if I even knew. It was on a disposable piece of paper and ink for all I knew. I could've thrown it away and said nope. I'm sure some people wonder why I even told him, in the beginning. I never though that Nic would threaten my life or if we had children that they would be harmed. So what was the harm of telling him now? He was going to be a father, I thought it was pretty common courteous to let them know what's up. I remember N telling me when we were dating that he thought he was ready to be a father and that it'd be cool to be a dad. I know that N has always loved kids from the way he played with his nieces and nephews. And I knew that I wanted to marry someone who loved kids as much as he did. He did have to ask me if I was sure because apparently, he's had a pregnancy scare more than once with a few of his ex's so they could get back together. If only that was the true case, right? PFFT.

I know N and I had A LOT to think about in what I felt like was a very short amount of time. I'm not here to tell the whole story since you all probably know and have followed through this journey and I'm truly grateful for you guys that have continued reading. The past two years have been the scariest, craziest, awesome, out of control, spiritual, exhilarating, saddest, happiest years of my life. But not for one minute have I ever regretted it. Sure, adoption (or people associated with it) have given me plenty of reasons to regret my decision but I never have and never will. It hasn't just blessed the lives of the family that received my little bundle of joy in their life, it has blessed my life as well. I could never take this experience for granted. I've found someone who is completely AMAZING and loves children as much as I do. It's like a sleep over every night with this guy, just lay in bed and imagine and talk about our future kids. What their names will be, what traits of ours they will get- that's the way I always imagined it would be having my first and now I FINALLY get to experience that and I'm SO happy. I know things don't happen they way we expect or the way we would like the outcome but you can't help but be grateful for what you have. I know I never expected two years ago, I was going to have a positive pregnancy test but it happened and I know my little girl is meant to be with who she's supposed to be with and I couldn't be happier for them. :)

If there ever comes a time that I need a break and take a step back or feel completely overwhelmed with my involvement with adoption or in Olivia's life, it has nothing to do with the fact that I regret it or that I never loved Olivia in the first place. I will never stop loving her.

January 21, 2009 started out as a normal day but since then is the most significant day of my life. The day that I did find my true love. The minute I knew I was in love with her is that stinking piece of paper. That piece of paper told me that my life was going to change and it was going to change BIG TIME. I loved my belly getting bigger and bigger, it was creating life, a new chance, a new beginning and I was apart of that; I was also apart of helping create an eternal family. I had never thought something that simple, at the time, would be the greatest journey of my life.
Olivia's existence, saved me. "We were both born that day."

I love this song by Pink.
I'm using the Radio Edit because the song is called, "F***in' Perfect" and says it in the song a few times.
I'm saving your ears. ;)
But it's one of those songs that sums up while I was pregnant what I would tell Olivia when she's older or hates that she's adopted or had been made fun for it that day. The first verse reminds me of what I did prior to being pregnant or while I was pregnant but I made it through, anyone can.

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Always second guessing
Look, I'm still around...

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You are perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
See you same

You are perfect to me
The world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold diet*
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere
They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you are perfect, to me
You're perfect
You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you are perfect to me

Monday, January 10, 2011

Abortion and Adoption

It's interesting to see that adoption and abortion are almost the same words but change two letters and you have one or the other. The other night, I recorded the MTV special called, "No Easy Decision." It was about a girl that was on the 16&Pregnant show and they had a little girl. When their little girl was about 8 months old. The girl and her significant other (I don't remember if it was her boyfriend or husband) found out they were expecting again. She got pregnant again because she was using the depo shot. She missed one shot but she thought the birth control was still in her and they continued to have unprotected sex.

The link above is the "special." Nothing too special about it. To be honest. I may seem judgmental but this is my point of view and my belief. Maybe I don't think it's special because I didn't like the episode. Maybe because it made me angry?

Of course, this girl has 3 decisions facing an unplanned pregnancy. Abortion, Parenting or Adoption. She goes to a friend to talk about her options. She can't have another child because it's going to get in the way of their schooling and they wouldn't be able to provide for another child. They can barely provide for their one and each other. Adoption, she couldn't go through with it because she knew that she already loved the baby and could never "give it away." But abortion, she can handle it because she wouldn't have to worry about it.

Her significant other drives her to the abortion clinic and that's when I lost it. I started crying my eyes out. I don't know if I was mad. But I watched the episode putting myself in her shoes (sort of, because I would never choose that option for myself.) and Tayler is sitting right next to me. Watching it with me. He holds me while I cry and I'm telling him, "Please turn around. Please turn the car around." Like it was me in the car in the passenger seat, crying my eyes out with this girl. And the guy just being all nonchalant. He doesn't have to worry about the hospital bills with this baby and double the diapers. Tayler told me, first, he would've never let me go through with that. and second, if he did and we were in the car and he asked me to turn around, he would. The girl never asked to turn around. But that's what I would be screaming in my head. If I had to say it outloud. That's how much it hurt me.

After that segment of her going through with her decision. They do an "after show" and they also bring out two other girls who have also had an abortion. They both talked about how they wouldn't want to go through the physical of a pregnancy or giving birth. They did acknowledge girls who did place their babies for adoption and did go through with their whole pregnancy and "sacrifice their bodies" to do that. One girl was "proud of her decision." All through the show they talked about how it wasn't a baby yet. It was just "cells" or "tissues" that they're removing.

I love this video that Tamra, a birthmom friend, made. Funny thing, I met Tamra at Anasazi. A wilderness program. So many people told me to talk to her when I found out I was pregnant and I already knew her ;)

As I'm sitting here and I'm reading the comments and so many people who say they're adopted  and they're grateful for the chance to be here today and I just think about how there are so many others that haven't had the chance to say that they're alive or living today because someone wasn't "ready" or to "sacrifice their body." This person didn't even have a say or not if they wanted to be here.

I laid in bed that night next to Tayler and I'm still in tears just thinking about it. What if I was faced with the decision? Not exactly the unplanned pregnancy. I don't care since I'm married. Ready or not. Rich or not. I'm parenting my baby. I'm excited for that day! I'm pretty sure I cry or talk about it like nobody's business. Sorry to be annoying, if I am! But if I was faced with the decision that either medically I had to abort the baby. Or if I knew the baby wasn't going to make it full term and not live. Would I just end the misery? I decided to try not to think about it because it was going to make more upset.

Just watching the episode, made me upset. It was definitely a mistake to watch it. If you think you're stronger than me and you can go through that episode and not get angry, then by all means do it. I know some people will probably hate me and say, "don't judge." or "you were never in that situation." Actually, I was probably more in that situation more than you know. I was faced with that decision. Not did I ever stop to think about an abortion or contemplate and really go through with it. It was never an option for me. I'm sure someone asked me and I immediately answered, "No."

Why would I deny this little girl a life?

Cells and tissues become THIS.

Would I give up my "perfect" body just so she can live? You bet, I would. I would do it over and over and over, until the point my body was full of stretch marks. If faced with the decision multiple times. Luckily, I only faced it once. I'm sure others would choose parenting if they had already made the decision to place for adoption because it would be "too hard" to let their baby go again. I'm sure it'd hurt, sure it'd tear me apart. But I'd relive it, knowing she is living and breathing and here today.

Why would anybody want to kill/terminate/abort instead of adoption? I know I shouldn't judge and that this is all pro-adoption. But GET OVER IT. I'm pro-adoption. So if you're not, stop reading and go to another blog. You can take your nasty comments somewhere else. I didn't invite you to read this. So see ya.

The girl made the comment that she couldn't place her baby for adoption because she "wouldn't know." She wouldn't know about her baby how he/she is. How they're doing. It's a legitimate fear. If someone doesn't know about adoption. But with an open adoption. I may not know every single day of her life and what she's up to. Yes, I can't go a day without thinking about Olivia. But I can definitely go a day without worrying about her and hoping she is being taken care of. Because I completely trust the people that are raising her. I know they wouldn't hurt her on purpose and they would prevent anything that would hurt her on accident. They are incredible people.

 In the episode, she mentioned that if she placed her baby she would always wonder if she'd regret it. Or if she parented then she'd wonder if adoption was what was best and regret the decision to parent. But to get rid of both options and just to abort the baby because the decision was too much? How does that make sense? Apparently in the show, they said that, "In about 2 years is when you would feel relief or not feel regret." So what are they doing in that 2 years? Still grieving over it? Still wondering if their regretting it? I think any decision, you may question it, if what you did was right. Which I believe is completely normal. Like Tamra said in her video, there is no easy way out of a crisis pregnancy. Each decision will live with you forever.

But I hate that adoption and abortion are so close in words. One is completely ugly, horrible, inhumane and disgusting (abortion) and adoption that is beautiful, wonderful, peaceful, and complete. I love seeing pictures of Olivia with her family because then I can see that I took apart of creating that. I helped create that eternal family. And that's what I wanted for her. To have two parents, to be stable, to have something that is completely eternal. I didn't know when and if I was ever going to provide her with that. But I knew my decision with adoption, was going to guarantee that.

In the after show, they continued saying that abortion wasn't an easy way out like everyone says. That people just want to deny that they're pregnant and get over it. That it's never a first decision, that it's always the last. Why is adoption always considered last? I guess, it could be. But I always feel like abortion is brought up first. Abortion? No. Parenting? Maybe, let's try that out. Let's see if it's even possible. But at the same time, educate yourself with the options. I knew I probably wouldn't have thought about adoption if I didn't go to counseling and looked into it. A lot of people don't know that open adoptions are even out there and I wish they did.

I think everyone remembers certain days in their lives. Maybe the day they started going steady with their boyfriend and girlfriend. The day they got engaged. The day they got married. The day they lost a loved one. That lost loved one's birthday. Your best friends birthday. Your parents birthday. Your siblings birthday. Understand? We celebrate dates. We remember them. What makes you think that the people who decide with an abortion don't? They figure out the first day of their last period. They figure out their due date. What makes you think that they don't think about it? I would. I would think, this is the day my baby would've been born. I would just lay in bed thinking about the little spirit that would be in my arms. How difficult would that be not to have them there? How does that make abortion a great decision? An unregrettable decision?

The girl from 16&Pregnant was the only girl out of the other two girls who had a child previous. The other two girls had no children before their abortions or post abortions. I definitely wouldn't think of an abortion as a first option after having my first child. Especially, making the phone call to an abortion clinic with my child in my LAP. How would you feel being that baby and growing up and watching this? Watching your own mother terminate your brother or sister? And now your mother is preaching how she doesn't want you to end up the same way or do the same things? Cearly, she didn't learn after having you. How does that make you feel that could've been you? What if it was your brother or sister that was born before you and you were the one that wasn't here? It just seemed like to me the girls didn't think about their options much. I mean, you have such a limited amount of time to make the decision to go through with an abortion. Pregnancies don't last forever. And they definitely wouldn't terminate a pregnancy at so many weeks because that's considered a felony. So, of course that's why abortion always seems like the easy way out. Being a parent, you don't want to be tied down to 18+years of a child if you're not ready, right? So killing a baby is easier. Hmmmm. You don't want to have to "worry" about the baby being with somebody else, so abortion is better than adoption? Hmmm.
I know abortion is so controversial. I know everyone will have their opinions. This just happens to be mine. 

This shows to me why I could never, ever regret my decision to place.

This shows to me why adoption isn't just about the "money" or couples "buying babies." (Isn't paying for an abortion like hiring a hitman? That's all I have to say about that.)

If I regretted it and I didn't want to go through with an adoption, so why should Olivia be here in the first place? She had a purpose. It may not be in my arms with me (and Tayler) but with a family who wasn't just an answer to my prayers. Olivia was an answer to theirs.

Whatever decision may cross your path. It may not have to be this extreme but whatever you choose. Choose what you want. Not what everyone else expects you to want.

Friday, January 7, 2011


Happy New Year! Yeah, only a week late. Yesterday was my niece's birthday! Happy birthday Sweetie! I will definitely have to make a video or something soon. ;) I know I haven't updated really since like Christmas. And you're probably curious about the holidays. You may or may not be. But who cares. You're going to hear about it. :)

My sister, Erika, came into town visiting from Oregon with her family. I'm not gonna lie I have THEE cutest nieces and nephew. You should probably read her blog because she'll be updating more than me. But I thought I'd post some pictures.

Christmas Eve we went over to my family's house after work and we did the nativity devotional. We dressed up as shepherds for the nativity.

My niece "Ballerina" was the best pregnant Mary, I had ever seen.

 We opened the traditional pajama presents on Christmas Eve. :)

That evening we drove back to our apartment and Christmas morning we drove to back to my parents house to see what Santa brought us. We had breakfast (well, everyone else had breakfast while I slept) and then we opened presents. And the rest of the day we played games and such.

Oh and the day after Christmas we skyped with D & V and got to see B & Olivia :) They were so stinking CUTE!

We've been doing a ton of fun things while my sister has been in town. We spent a day in Salt Lake and we went to the Children's Museum, The Lion House, went on a horse carriage ride and saw the lights at Temple Square.

We went on a double date with Erika and my brother in-law. There was a massive snow storm so we stayed close and went to The Dubs and a movie. We saw the new Narnia movie.

I will also be pretty soon looking for a new job for dental assisting. If anyone knows anything in Utah County for a dental assistant job (not dental hygienist), let me know! That'd be great!

That's one update. I have to go to work now. So I possibly may update again soon.