Thanks so much for your support. I figure I need to start posting and get everyone caught up on everything or else I'll forget important things that were said or what has happened. And I haven't really been feeling up to posting until now.
Well, on September 22. Andee had texted me and told me she was babysitting her cousin's kids who lived near me and if I wanted to come over. I was sort of in the mood for walking and I told her that they didn't live that far from me and that I'd just walk there. It took an hour and a half for me to walk over there. We sat and talked for a while about what had happened with N. I remember saying to her that if I were to have Olivia tomorrow that I'd be ready and that I feel at peace about the adoption and just want to be done being pregnant and see her. She and I went to JCW's and got food. Which was delicious. I got the kids hickory bacon burger and a kids cheese fry. And we talked some more about adoption and about my couple and she gave me advice about things. I always have a good time hanging out with Andee and I love her to death :)
That night I went to bed around 1. Towards the end of my pregnancy I could never get to sleep and obviously, I still can't because it's 12:30. Anyway, I was sort of in and out of sleep from feeling crampy and back achey. I'm just like, great. I'm going to go into false labor again. I slept through most of it but I couldn't take it anymore around 6 in the morning. So I got up and my mom told me to try to go back to sleep. So I tried for about an hour and I couldn't because I was having contractions and they would wake me up. I started walking around my house and my mom asked if I wanted her to stay home just in case if I really was in labor. I told her no because I told her it was probably false. Last time that happened I went and took a shower and my contractions went away. So I took a bath in my parents jacuzzi/bath tub, oh yeah, with jets listening to the Owl City soundtrack. Heaven. During that I was texting my sister Erika because she just had her 3rd baby, August 12th and I thought she could help me out with things. She asked me about keeping track of my contractions and I told her I was being lazy and didn't want to because last time I tried that they went away, I figured it would be bad luck.
I got out of the bathtub and wrote D and V an e-mail at 8:19 and it says,
I thought I should let you know, I would call but I don't want to freak anyone out. I've been up most of the night with back aches and crampiness. I've been up since about 6 this morning walking around and having contractions. I'm afraid it might be false labor. I'm just barely keeping track of my contractions now to see if they're consistent at all. So who knows, Olivia might be coming today or tomorrow. And we'll see at the doctors if anything has happened or if I'm really in labor. Just thought I'd give you a heads up. :)"
I was keeping track while getting ready and they were coming about 6-7 minutes apart lasting 30 seconds to a minute. I texted N around 9:33 and said,
"My doctors appointment is in less than an hour. But also I've been up half the night. And I've been having contractions since about 6 this morning. So we might be having a baby today. :)"
I texted my sisters and my caseworker and some of my close friends telling them I might be having Olivia. I luckily, had a scheduled doctors appointment on 23rd at 10:20 in the morning. My sister RuthAnn was on facebook chat and I told her that Olivia might be coming and she said to me that she had a feeling I would be having her. I was going to leave my house at 9:50 to get gas and head over to my doctors. Then... my car wouldn't start. I had run my car completely out of gas. N hadn't texted me back at all that morning and I was surprised because I told him about my appointment the night before and asked him if he wanted to go and he said if he could wake up he would. Well, I called his phone and it said, "This persons phone that you have called is either turned off or out of service." When we were dating, he would forget to pay his phone bill and that's what would happen when his phone bill wasn't paid. The universe was SO against me having Olivia that day. First, my car is out of gas. Second, N forgot to pay his phone bill and I have no other way of getting a hold of him.
I called D and V hoping they weren't at the doctors already and that we could just car pool. They were at the point of the mountain so luckily, they stopped by and gave me a ride. They got my e-mail and were very excited and wanted to know everything. I let them know about N not answering his phone or my texts so they were a bit worried. They were very surprised with how calm I was about it because my contractions were coming about every 5 minutes and last a minute long. On my way to the doctors I called my doula, Tandi, she's sort of my birthing coach, you can say. I told her about the contractions and how far apart they were and that I was going to get checked at the doctors and let her know after that.
I got to the doctors a little bit late but the doctor was also behind on her schedule because there were so many patients she needed to see. I didn't get seen by the doctor until about 11. So during that time while I was waiting I texted N's brother and told him to try to get a hold of N for me because I might be in labor.
The medical assistant checked my blood pressure but I was finishing a contraction so it was pretty high. The doctor checked my blood pressure in between my contraction, it was still pretty high but I'm in early stages of labor, hello. She checked me and I was at a 3 and 90% effaced. She asked me, "Is that any different from last time?" I told her, "Kind of a lot different. I was a 1 and 75%" She was asking me how i was feeling about going over to the hospital and getting an epidural within 20 minutes. I shook my head and told her no way. I, myself, wanted to wait it out just so I could be mobile and do things instead of sitting around in the hospital bed for hours. She said I could go home and see how things progress and if things slow down then I can wait until tomorrow and come in and check to be admitted around 9 in the morning but if things get worse then to just go in. But she wouldn't be the on call doctor until the next morning. So that night I would have a different doctor.
I got out and told D and V. They had errands to run during the day in the valley and so they were about to drop me off at my house and then I thought it would be a good idea to go to N's and see if he's there or if he's at work. I mean, come on, of all days his phone is turned off?! haha. When we got there N was outside about ready to leave to go to a gas station and call me and see what was going on because recieved the texts but not until then. Around that time it was already noon. He told me he was freaking out that I was already having my baby.
We decided that D and V were going to drop me off at my house and I was going to pack my hospital bag. Yeah, I hadn't even packed my bag because I didn't think I was going to go into labor on my own because Olivia is my first. N was going to go to the Cricket store and pay his phone bill. D and V were going to run their errands and stay close by. N came over and I was packing my bag and trying to get it all ready. N was playing with Jasper. We have to cover up part of my couch with a blanket or else Jasper will claw at it and ruin the furniture. Well, in the blanket, there was a hole and Jasper would stick his paw through there and try to get N. And at one point, Jasper backed up and full speed ran into the blanket hole trying to get his head through it. Probably the most hilarious thing ever.
We said bye to the animals. We went to N's house and hung out there because his house is much closer to the hospital then mine. On the way there he was getting freaked out because of my contractions and I would just tense up and try to breathe through the contractions. He was asking me why in the movies they make it seem like you have a baby right away. Like your water breaks and then 5 minutes later you're about to have a baby. I told him it's because it's a movie and that they don't have enough time to make a 19 hour movie of labor and delivery and it'd be boring. And that sometimes it is like that. Except for the 5 minutes later. After your water breaks everything goes by fast.
We got to his house and watched 17 Again. I was keeping myself hydrated by drinking water. N was sort of getting freaked out in the movie because in one scene it talks about having a baby girl and holding her and stuff. He would look over at me everytime I would make noise by a contraction and ask me if I was okay. And he said he felt bad and useless because he couldn't really do anything and I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and texted Erika at 2:35 and told her that I thought I lost part of my mucous plug. I would text people and tell them that within an hour or so I would be going to the hospital. We ended up waiting until 17 Again was over and I called my doula and told her they were still about 5 minutes apart. But I hadn't really been keeping track because I was watching a movie. N was massaging parts of my lower back whenever I would get a contraction and he said to me that my contractions were closer together like 2-3 minutes apart. At 3:30 is when I decided we needed to go to the hospital soon. But I was waiting for D and V to get there and they were grabbing Sonic for us. I told N we'd probably have to eat on the way there because my contractions were starting to hurt very badly at that point. It was my fault though that I hadn't told D and V earlier about my painful contractions. They said they would meet us outside the hospital with our food so we could eat.
I only had two pieces of toast before I left for my doctors appointment.
When we got to the hospital, I pretty much was thinking, screw food. I am in pain right now and want an epidural and want Olivia out. N helped me walk through the parking lot and we got to information and I said, "Um, I'm having a baby. I haven't pre-admitted or anything." So she told me to go over to one of the tellers and admit. Ha. I don't know. So I went over and said, "I'm having a baby." She asked me if I needed to go up right away or if I could sit down and admit. And I told her I could sit down. I didn't have any of my insurance information on me but my mom was on her way. She just gave me my stuff and sent me up. But before that I had a big contraction and had to stand by some chairs and one lady walked by and asked if I needed to sit down. I told her no and that I was just having a baby. Haha.
I texted my mom at 4:03 told her we were going up to the 3rd floor to labor and delivery. I told N to call D and V and tell them that. My sister RuthAnn was on her way from Provo and my sister Katrina was on her way from Salt Lake.
When we got up there, there was a phone that you pick up and tell them things so they can let you in. I just said to them, I'm having a baby. They asked if I was waiting to be admitted or scheduled induction. I told them waiting to be admitted and they brought me in. N and I went into the first triage room and they told me to put on a hospital gown. I didn't know if I was supposed to take off my clothes because I didn't even know if I was being admitted at that point. And the nurse came in and I asked and she said yes and she'd be back in a minute while I change. So I did that. She checked me and told me I was at a 4 and 90% but she felt my bag of waters. They put on monitors to check the baby's heartbeat and my contractions to see the frequency of them and they would for an hour. But she was thinking I was going to be admitted and have a baby that day, and I said, "Well, I think so too."
My sister RuthAnn came in and told me that she was having sympathy back pains for me. Haha.
Before the put me into the next room, I think it was 3? I'm not quite sure. I had a BIG contraction and it hurt so bad that I was in tears. And that's when the nurses came in and said, "You're being admitted." We walked over and they started things really quickly. N stayed by my side the whole time and just held my hand during the IV. They tried to put it in my right arm by my wrist but couldn't find a vein. They honestly dug around for about 3 minutes and it was so painful and couldn't do it. Then they moved over to my left wrist and blew the vein. So they ended up calling someone else in to do it and they put it in my left hand. The nurses told me my veins suck. Thanks, I guess.
The anesthesiologist came in next and explained to me the epidural. Everyone had to leave but N. And he stayed with me and held my hands. The worst part about the epidural was the numbing shot before they put in the epidural. I didn't feel the epidural at all. So that was really nice. I recommend the epidural to anyone and everyone. After the epidural, everyone came back in. The nurse checked me and I was at a 5. Right after she checked me, my water broke and that was at about 5:30. I looked at the nurse and told her, "I'm not sure if I just peed myself or my water broke." She checked with this thing and if it turned blue that meant it was my water breaking. And it was.
They went over my birth plan with me and told me what I could and couldn't do. I did want a video of Olivia being born but the nurse said they wouldn't allow it.
Dr. Jones was the on call doctor. He came in around 6:15 and said he was going to break my water for me and I told him it already was. He checked and he said it was and I was still at a 5. He said that normally they want me dilating about a centimeter an hour. I was pretty tired since I didn't get much sleep. My doula came in and was talking to me about everything. I was really liking the epidural because I still had control of my legs and felt the pressure of the contractions but I couldn't feel the pain. I slept for probably about 20 minutes and woke up and felt pretty refreshed. It felt like I slept for an hour. Just 20 minutes. Around 7 I think I was at a 6 1/2 and so she gave me a low dose of pitocin to speed things up. My doula came over and did some accupressure on my hand to get contractions as natural as possible and to keep them coming because that's the reason why they gave me pitocin. While I was resting, my contractions were rarely ever coming.
At 8:09 (atleast, that's when I posted it on my facebook) they checked me and I was at an 8. And that was nice. Contractions were still coming and I loved feeling when they would come with the pressure and stuff. My stomach would just get rock hard. At that time, I started getting emotional. I really don't know why. At about 8:45 it honestly was feeling like I had to crap. Ha. My biggest fear during the delivery was to poop in front of everyone. I was having a ton of people in the room. Or people walking in right after she was born. I could care less about people seeing me, spread eagle, but cared more about poop. Haha. And I was starting to feel pain but I didn't want to press the epidural button because I was afraid that it was soon that I would start pushing and I wanted to feel the pressure.
I had everyone leave so I could talk to the nurse about pooping. She checked me and told me I had no stool and not to worry about it and that it's natural. She checked me and told me I was at a 9 1/2 but I still had a lip that needed to go but she told me that I probably felt like I needed to go poop was the pressure and the baby's head was just really low. N and my doula Tandi came back in and my nurse started having me push just so she could get the lip over the baby's head. I had a really hard time pushing at first because I wouldn't hold my breath in and would breathe out with each push. She told me she was able to get the lip over her head and hope that it would stay there.
People were coming in one by one. I was getting pretty emotional. I was like, WHAT?! I'm at a 9 1/2. Olivia is going to be here any minute. And I was in some pretty good amount of pain. The nurse noticed and she got the anesthesiologist to come in and gave me half a dose of the epidural which helped out a lot. Around 9:10 the nurse had me start pushing. Tandi was holding my left leg and my sister Katrina was holding my right. The nurse had me hold my thighs with my hands and N would support my neck while I pushed. When you push, one push is considered pushing for 10 seconds then taking a breath and doing that two more times. So a total of 30 seconds about. I did two pushes and the nurse said, hold on, your baby's head is almost out so we're going to call the doctor. I was freaking PISSED. I tried not to get mad but I was like, I WANT TO PUSH. I NEED TO PUSH. If I tried not to push it would hurt more than anything. So with each contraction I would do little pushes. It honestly felt like the doctor took FOREVER. When the doctor did get there, he brought in his cart of stuff for the baby, he came over and said he was ready for me to push.
I did one push and he said, "Okay, one more push and your baby is out. But would you rather tear on your own or have an episiotomy." I was like, "uhhh... which is better?" He said, "Well, with a tear it can go anywhere and it would probably be worse for it to heal but with an episiotomy you just have one cut and I can stitch you up." I really wanted to avoid an episiotomy because I heard of stories where ladies push and the tear can rip from hole to hole. I kind of was freaking out. RuthAnn noticed and said to me, "He's saying that he'll do an episiotomy if he has to. He won't if he doesn't." But the doctor knew he had to, and I didn't. I told him it was okay if he had to.
I really didn't even do one push. I did one 10 second push and with that he did the episiotomy and I kind of felt it. It was almost like a shot and her head came out. And everyone was ooing and awing about how beautiful she was and I was kind of mad because the doctor was getting all the stuff out of her mouth and I couldn't see anything. I'm like, WHAT THE HECK?! SHOW ME MY BABY! Then he grabbed her by the shoulders and just pulled her out. It was the weirdest sensation to feel that. It felt like my belly went empty. I couldn't even believe it.
Everyone was telling me before that the doctor will hold up my baby before but they just layed out a blanket on my belly and put her on me.
Right after she came out, I heard her cry and that's when I started crying. I just looked at her and all I could do was cry. I couldn't do anything else but cry. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I couldn't even believe that she came out of me. I was just so ready to hold her up close to me and just gaze at her. It almost sounds creepy. I was trying to think of the first words that I would say to her but I couldn't say anything. I was speechless. I then started saying hi over and over. I couldn't believe it that she was here. She had a head full of hair and the most beautiful face and eyes. She looked at me like she knew who I was.
I can honestly say that 10 months was SO worth the wait. Katrina asked me later on if I would go through pregnancy and child birth again after all this and I said, "In a heartbeat just because of the end result."
The worst part about labor and delivery is right after they delivered her the doctor was massaging (more like having a beat down) on my belly. It was honestly bruised on the inside. He was kneading it through like dough. I guess he was just making sure I wasn't hemorraging? I'm not sure. He then had to stitch me up. I remember looking up at N after she was born and he just smiled at me.
The doctor asked who was cutting cord and N said he was and he went over and cut the cord.
They took her over where they cleaned her off some more and weighed and measured her. She was 7 lbs .05 oz but they rounded up to 1 oz. She was 20 inches long. I remember when the doctor was stitching me up, N was holding my hand. And he was looking over at Olivia and I told him he could go over there. And he kind of looked at me like, "Are you sure?" And I said, "Just go. I'm okay." And he went over there and watched everything and I was looking over at her and at one point she grabbed on to one of the nurses gloves and just latched on. haha.
N was holding her and after they had me all cleaned up they brought her over but I couldn't hold her at the time because they blood pressure thing was going. Lame. So I just looked at her. But as soon as they placed her in my arms again, the tears started coming down. I honestly, fell in love with her. I couldn't handle it. It was still so unreal to me that she came out of me. She was crying and stuff and kept telling her she was okay. Of course, there were a million people in the room.
All who was at delivery was, My mom, my friend Jessica who I went on the hike with to induce labor, Tandi, my sisters Katrina and RuthAnn, D and V. My dad and little sister K walked in after they heard her first cries. I honestly, did not care who was all there because I wanted Olivia out of me.
I was able to bottle feed her for the first time and she was so hungry and I got to burp her. She is a REALLY good burper which rocks.
It was honestly an incredible experience and would do it all over again. Even through all the chaos and excitement I was feeling really content and at peace, at least for that time.
They took Olivia to the nursery. They give me and someone I choose to have a bracelet to go to the nursery with her when they clean her. I chose N and he went and took videos of her bath and I just barely saw them yesterday and loved them. I was glad I choose him because he got to spend that time with her and bond with her. RuthAnn stayed up with me while I waited for the nurses to come and help me to the bathroom. We just talked about the labor and the delivery even though she was there for all of that. And she asked me how I was feeling emotionally and about the adoption. And I told her I was feeling good.
I remember at one point I did talk to Erika on the phone but I was a little bit distracted obviously after having a baby. She asked me the same question I think.
They took me down to room 207 and I was able to see her. I don't think I cried that time. But I got to see her beautiful hair all cleaned up. She had SO much hair. And the coolest part about it, it almost looked highlighted/frosted. She has dark roots and blonde tips. This is not a joke.
My mom ended up staying the first night with me in the hospital. She had to go home and grab her over night stuff. N and Katrina stayed with me until my mom came back and that was around midnight. I really couldn't sleep at all. I had so much energy in me after delivering and I wanted to be awake and look at Olivia. She's so precious and beautiful.
I didn't want to put her in her bassinet. I would wake up to her little noises and so I finally just had her sleep next to me all night. I had to wake her up to feed her and the cutest part about burping her is that she will tilt her head up and try to look at you. She is just so alert during that part and that's what I loved the most was seeing her wide awake and looking at me. I think I fed her at 3 and at 6 and then stayed awake from 6 to about 9 and got tired and took an hour nap with her. Then around 10:30 N came back over and stayed all day with me and my mom went home.
I'll finish the rest of the next two days at the hospital on another post and same with placement and post placement.
How I'm feeling now, I'm doing better. I still cry every night before I go to sleep because I won't be sleeping next to her. And then I wake up every morning crying because she wasn't next to me when I woke up. But after I see her I honestly feel a lot better and feel a lot more at peace with my decision.
Thanks all who have been following my journey and have been there to support me. I still haven't finished my journey and I don't think I ever will. :)
My next post will actually be a picture blog post of the labor and delivery and the pictures of the night and morning after so you get a visual. I'll try not to post too graphic of pictures from the delivery.
Love you all.