On occasion, I like to Facebook stalk. I know. All of you, beware. Ha. I just am one of those people who will snoop on your Facebook to find out what you're doing in life instead of asking you. Because I can just figure out all that information right there. Oh boy, do I love the internet? Well, I came across this guy who I had a crush on in the 5th grade. Haha. He grew up to be pretty good looking if you ask me. And of course, he has this GORGEOUS girlfriend. I was looking at pictures they had taken together. They are honestly the couple of the year in these pictures. I was so intrigued and mesmerised by them. That sounds so creepy but you look at them and you just think to yourself, you're so in love. I wish I could post them but that'd be kind of creepy too.
Anyway, as I continue FB stalking this couple I check out her FB profile and straight up on her status it says, "Me and ... are going to have a beautiful baby. Mommy to be :)"
I don't know how I can even describe the emotion I had. I am happy for them and yes, they will have a beautiful baby.
It's one of those bittersweet moments. When you remember the first time you found out you were pregnant (or for those adopting, finding out a birthmother picked you.), you are SO excited.
I was in denial. I didn't think I was going to be pregnant when I took the test at the doctors. The doctor tells me, I'm "pretty positive." Whatever that means. I'm half way pregnant. I don't know. When you're 18 and find out that you're pregnant. You're in SHOCK. Especially if you've been on the pill since you were 16. I cried. I told my mom I was scared. Being scared was my first reaction. I didn't think that would ever happen to me. But ya know, "I was doing the deed, I should've expected it." I was scared because I didn't know how N reacted to it. We had only broken up two weeks before. I still hoped. I still hoped for the excitement to come later that N was still in love with me and he wanted to raise our baby. I wanted to do exactly what the girl posted as her status. I am still excited for my baby. But at the same time, I wish I could share the excitement with someone else. The excitement with someone who helped create her. I couldn't have made her alone. I honestly wished for days that we could share the excitement of bringing a baby into the world together. But if those days happened, I would probably hope for a lot more than that. So, I guess it's a good thing he's stayed away. We did share moments of the ultrasound and finding out our baby is a little girl. Um, I think that's the only time. The other times we kind of fought about stuff (mostly in the beginning). He never had the excitement of feeling her kick for the first time (or around the first times). There's just a few things. But, somedays it hurts to think about him being with someone else. Having those moments with her and not with me. And you know what? It hurts because I know he doesn't care at all.
He used to tell me that he cared about me still. I don't see it anymore. From what I've got from him, he cares for her for ME. He doesn't do it for himself or to even care about her. :/
I think this time about a year ago, we knew each other. We probably weren't hanging out but we worked together. I like to smile and think about when things were good. The nights he would sneak me into his room and he only had a mattress on his bedroom floor and we would sit and talk on it for hours. How he would tell me to get over the guy who I wasn't in love with anymore. How he was fighting for me and would be my side. I was too scared to believe him. But eventually, I gave in to him. After the nights of sneaking into his room, then leaving him in the middle of the night for the guy I didn't love. I really didn't see that he was waiting for me to come back to him or stay with him. He had to give me an ultimatum. After knowing him, and seeing how much he really was there for me than the other guy, I stayed with him. I chose the guy who stood by me through the hard times and the drama when he probably didn't want to. But he was the one who had me smiling throughout the day or joking about being married at work to make this one hispanic lady jealous (and others). He was the one that kept me up all night just wrapping his arms around me, telling me not to go to sleep and to stay up with him, and waking up in the morning to a kiss on the cheek or an "I love you" in my ear. He was the one who asked me to come live with him and move in with him... what? a month into our relationship? As much as you all see how I feel, and that I have the only one putting in the effort to make things work. It wasn't always like that as you can tell. What changed all that? What changed that I wasn't good enough to fight for anymore?
Getting out of memory lane and going back to today, I really don't know how it's all going to play out after she's born, after he sees her. I honestly want him to have the experience of me having her to see what I had to go through to bring her into the world. It's not easy. Even though I'll have an epidural. You still feel the pressure. Just no pain. The only pain I probably will feel is the emotional kind. Because I never thought of sharing the moment of bringing my first baby into the world with someone else unless it was my husband. I don't have that. I share the moment with someone who I loved, a lot. Obviously, enough to create a life, or do the act of creating a life. Ha. As much as he hates it or thinks I'm over him. I'll always have a bond with him that will never go away. Through time the hurt will fade, but it'll always be there. I will be so incredibly happy when I look into her eyes and smile and my initial reaction will look up at him and look into his eyes and hope to see happiness too.
Anyway, I'm getting off my emotional soapbox.
1. Just as I start to say what I have been thinking about
for the past year, I delete it. I just can't bear your response
right now, but some day, some day I will. Some day I
will tell you exactly what happened to me the day you walked
out of my life, I promise you - that day will be the day you
finally see the real person under all the smiles & laughs.
2. My whole life is made up of mistakes, but that just means that
it's also made up of a book of lessons. I learn and I move right
on to the next mistake. But that's okay. Because I know that I
have people right there by my side the whole way through.
3. I don't really know where life's taking me these days,
but I'll be sure to thank it when I get there.
4.You don't like taking risks? You do it every day. You get
up in the morning, don't you? You walk outside some time
every day, don't you? Every moment of your life is just
another risk. But you live it. Because if you don't, then it's
boring. Every chance is another adventure, which is just another memory.
5.You may not think your words phase me, but trust me, they do.
I don't care about anyone's opnion as much as I do yours.
6. He was amazing to me. I know he was. He made me laugh,
he made me believe things would be okay, he was there for
me to fall on when I got tired of walking, he danced with me
when there was no music. He held me tight when the stars were out.
But we never fought. Sometimes, things are just too perfect.
7. I don't like to think too much. It hurts, honestly. Because
when I think, he seems to cross my mind. Once he does,
I can't get him out. I think about the happy times, I'll smile,
and then I'll cry. All because I know I won't ever have him again.
8. "Things change. So do people."
"But why? Why do things have to be so hard?"
"To teach you a lesson. How do you think you become
so strong? So independant? You go through situations
where you have no choice but to be your own person.
To stand on your own two feet. It happens for a reason."
9. Sure, I miss you holding me in your arms. I miss your
empty promises that always seemed to brighten my day.
But I don't miss the fights. I don't miss the tears. And
that my darling is why I'm moving on with my life. I'm
going to get my smile back. One way or the other.
10. I'm over you, truly I am. But that doesn't mean that thinking about you
with her doesn't sting a little bit. I mean, I used to be her. The
person you would make laugh and giggle like a schoolgirl who thinks
she's in love. I'm not saying I would totally be yours again if you
asked me, but I am saying that I still miss you sometimes.
11. Something just tells me that I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't
for all the mistakes I made along the way. All the people I hurt, all
the people that hurt me. All the pictures I tore, all the times I thought
I just couldn't take it anymore. It all made me strong. It made me realize
that things won't always go my way, but that's okay, because everything
is how it's supposed to be at the end of the day.
12. I'm sorry if I said words that weren't exactly the nicest
thing in the world to you, but you broke my heart after
you promised you were different, I think I deserved a chance
to get everything off of my chest.
13. Don't look at me that way, with that smile and those eyes.
I don't care to see you anymore in this lifetime. Every tear
you ever caused me to cry, I hope, will forever stay in the
back of your mind. Reminding you of the girl you broke.
Hold onto the past, but don't let it hold onto you.
14. I never wanted to let you go, but I needed to. I had died
enough on the inside, it was starting to show. I couldn't
let that happen to myself, I knew I was going to miss you
smiling at me, but I missed myself smiling in the mirror even more.
15. You're worse then I am. You don't let yourself get close
to anyone, not even your own family. I know why
you don't though, you're scared. You hate who you are.
You hate everything about yourself, and so you're scared
to get close to someone and actually start loving them,
because you don't want to dissapoint them like you dissapoint yourself.
16. I don't think I could ever let myself call you mine again,
I'd just be too scared to have my heart broken, but that
doesn't stop me from thinking back to our old memories.
I don't regret any of them, truly, because those days were
some of the best days in my life. I am who I am because of you.