Saturday, November 13, 2010

13. Fears

I wrote this post in August. I thought I'd reblog it.

I found a lot of pictures. But I'm going to talk about fear. Mostly fear that expectant parents have, girls have who are going through the adoption process, what birth moms fear after placement. I asked many birth moms what they feared and I can tell you that some of it was repetitive. So it's not just me that says these things. It's other girls. I wanted more opinions. I wanted adoptive families to realize that these girls are human-beings. We are not just "the birth mom." We are vulnerable. We get hurt. We have fears. Just like you.

If you can't read that, it says, "[Adoption] is not a humanitarian thing because I don't see it as a sacrifice. It's a gift."

Dear Ms. Jolie,

I wish I could relate to you seeing that you're a celebrity and all. I am so happy for you for your gifts that they practically got dropped into your lap. That you and Mr. Pitt are gonna be stars on the new next hit show, 18 underprivileged kids and counting. But I'm a birth mom and I sacrificed a whole heck of a lot to give you your gift. Thanks.



I asked a girl who is currently pregnant and going to place her baby for adoption. I asked her what her fears were:

"Well now that I have only 3 weeks left I get a lot of anxiety. I get nervous about nothing sometimes. I am scared that this baby won't want anything to do with me in the future. I'm scared that he will think that I was selfish to give him up for adoption. I also think a lot about my future kids. I think I will feel bad for getting married and trying to starting my family."

I can't say that I'm the only one that had fears while I was pregnant. Many young, unwed, pregnant mothers do.

Here is a list of fears when you're expecting and placing:
  • Make an adoption plan with the adoptive family and them not follow through with the adoption after you have placed your baby. They close that adoption right up.
  • The adoptive family judging me for my mistakes. They wouldn't like me or they wouldn't understand why I was placing and think I was a bad person.
  • Getting the adoptive families hopes up and then backing out and parenting my baby.
  • Your baby won't adapt in an environment of a family that isn't biological to them.
  • Not being able to have your own biological child after placing.
  • Have a friendship with them only to find out it was a fake friendship so they could have my baby.
  • They aren't going to love my baby as much as their biological children.
  • I was never going to see my baby again.
  • The birth father will find the birth child. (In some cases, the birth father doesn't know out of the baby's safety.)
  • The adoptive family and my baby won't bond and they'll give the baby back to me.
  • My child will believe that I placed them for adoption so I could have a better life without them. (Which isn't true, I think our lives got a whole heck of a lot harder without them in it.)
  • Letting reality sink in.
  • Realizing that we're not supposed to be moms and someone else is.

"One of the greatest discoveries a [woman] makes, one of [her] greatest surprises, is to find [she] can do what [she] was afraid [she] couldn't."

“God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight.”

I also got to thinking when I saw this picture above. I got thinking about abortion. That even though these girls who are so strong to be able to push aside their fears to go with their gut and trust in the Lord to place their babies for adoption. I thought about the girls who didn't want to handle those fears. And in my opinion, the selfishness of abortion. I think even though you would terminate your pregnancy, doesn't mean you will forget about it either. The baby that you never got to hold and love or see grow up. Never got to see their first moments of life, breathing, living. Never got to hear their first cry or first laugh. There are a lot of firsts that I will miss and have missed but I know I would truly regret denying that opportunity to Olivia.

I want to talk about placement for a minute.

Placement isn't rainbows and gummy bears for us, birth parents. I sent Val an e-mail that I was writing to Tayler's mom and was talking about my story and about placement. And she said to me, "It's always sad to read it because I know while you're grieving, we're rejoicing but we're also grieving for you."

After placement we have so many fears in our hearts. Fears about the family, making the right decision, our baby and how they're doing. Not a day goes by that we don't think about our little one.
“Trust me I know how it feels I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart for everything to hurt so bad you just want it to end, I know exactly how it feels”
I found this online:
Me:Did my birth mom ever get to hold me?

Mom:YES! The day you were born for a few hours and then nearly all day on your 2nd day of life. She held you, talked to you, kissed you and cried when she gave you to the Nursery nurse just before she went home. She loves you. She suffered as great a pain as you - maybe even more. She doesn't know what course your life took or that you were deeply loved by another family because of her great selfless act. I was ‘gifted’ with your birth & life. Especially now.

A Mom is someone who will put her children above everything.
A Mom sacrifices readily for her children despite her own happiness.
A Mom who fights & protect her children from any harmness.
A Mom who battles their own life in giving their children a life.
A Mom never tires herself from giving eternal love & care.
A Mom warm hugs is all needed to soothe,comfort & secure
A Mom is not only a guidance but also a friend
A Mom is always there to listen to rants,woes & complaints….
A Mom is also the best confidante
A Mom is always forgiving despite being hurt
A Mom never expect anything in return for all she have done & gave except to be loved……
Fears of birthparents:
  • Telling your story to others and having them misunderstand.
  • Everyone believes you have mental issues and that's why you couldn't keep your child.
  • That you were heavily into drugs and couldn't keep your child.
  • That I'm just irresponsible and don't have the maturity to take care of my baby.
  • Misunderstanding that just because we miss our child, doesn't mean that we regret our choice to place our baby for adoption.
  • Being told you're not a good enough mother and you abandoned your baby.
  • Adoption was just a way to hide the "unwanted" pregnancy. (Our babies are never UNWANTED. We have always wanted them.)
  • Everyone will think I never wanted my baby or I took the "easy way out."
  • Going back to old habits and my birth child hating me for not changing or being better for them.
  • Your adoptive family won't tell your birth child who you are and you did everything out of love.
  • Birth child not knowing you love them.
  • Never being able to get used to the title as "birth mother" not "mother."
  • Worry the adoptive parents will get a divorce.
  • I will do or say something wrong so the adoptive family will hold my birth child hostage and never let me see them.
  • I will do or say something wrong to my birth child and they will no longer want contact with me.
  • My birth child will think being adopted is a burden and hate me for it.
  • My birth child will think they were an accident or a mistake.
  • They will hate hearing that they look like their birth parents.
  • Worried how to tell the guys I'm dating that I've had a baby and placed the baby for adoption.
  • Never being married so then I won't be able to have my own kids later unless I am artificially inseminated.
  • How my birth son/birth daughter will feel when I do get married and decided to have's that whole "why will you keep them but not me" thing.
  • After placing, your child will instantly forget you and won't want you to hold them.
  • Feel awkward seeing the adoptive family after placement.
  • Living the rest of my life regretting the adoption.
I know I could go on with a list of a thousand fears that birth mothers have. If you are in the adoption process and looking to adopt. Please go easy on us. We are trusting you with our child. You could at least trust us. We fear so many things, please make the burden lighter as much as possible. (If any more birthparents would like to add on their fears, leave them in comments.)

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

“People who didn’t talk about their problems got to pretend they didn’t have any, People who discussed what was wrong… fought and ached and felt miserable.” -Jodi Picoult

 "Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

The memories of you are one of the strongest things I'll ever have.

"Think of you is easy. I do it everyday. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away."

 I want to remember how you've made me laugh
and sometimes cry. And I never want to forget how special
and different you are. And how you touched my heart
in a way that no one else ever could.

I will never forget you little miss Olivia. You're my world. And I love you with all my heart. I hope you will grow up knowing I did this out of love. I picked the best parents I could for you and I know they will raise you right and treat you right. I'm glad I could push past those fears to see you grow and to see you happy. You're amazing and hope to continue knowing your sweet love and spirit. Thanks for being my inspiration. I love you. :)

Thank you for all the birth moms that helped: Meghan. Meagan. Jennilee. Mariel. Karissa. Deanna. Maggie. Jessalynn.


  1. all i can say is wow! thank you so much for sharing all this. definitely things to think about. i just wish there was a way adoptive parents could help lessen all these fears. is that possible? i don't want to see birth mothers suffer any more than they have to.

  2. Beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing this...I think it's important for me as a hopeful adoptive parent (and all adoptive parents) to remember that there is fear on the other side as well.

  3. I love this! I can relate to this on so many levels.
    BTW, I gave you and your blog a little award on my blog :)

  4. @Jared and Devin. I'm not sure there is much to do. I know my answer doesn't help. Just make sure everything is followed through and all needs are met and all promises are kept. :)

    @Holly. And I know there are plenty of fears for the adoptive parents, as well. I'm just focusing on the birthparents in this postie.

    @Not Just A Birth Mom. Thanks for the award <3 I cherish.

  5. This is an amazing post. Beautiful and needed.


  6. What an amazing post. Lots of tears :)
    My birth daugther is 7 1/2, and while some of my fears have diminished, many still haunt me every day. And as she gets older new fears develop. I'm scared to death that she will not want me in her life anymore, that she won't understand why I chose what I did, that she will push me away. But, I have to go on hoping that those fears will never be truths.

  7. I love this post stephanie! All those fears are all ones I've had before. AMAZING!