Tuesday, March 31, 2009


So today, I was very sick and didn't stay very long at my externship. Go me. I slept most of the day. But then I was talking to a girl that I know from LDS family services. She goes to the little groups on Wednesdays and that's how I met her. And I'm not going to put up her name on here unless she wants me to. But probably not. Anyway, I will call her K.
K and I got to talking about dating or something how there's a girl who has put herself on a dating website. And we're just thinking, WHAT?! You want to date now?! Like this?! Ha. And boys don't even sound good right now. Or dating for the matter. I probably have only gone out once and that was with N and it probably wasn't even really a date. :/
Anyway, so with dating. We talked about creepy men and how they now hit on us because of our current status as being single and pregnant. So we must be easy. Yipee. We ended up going to Wal*Mart and buying fake engagement rings. How incredible is that? I got a size too big so it totally looks fake. But it was so fun to hang out. We also went to Target to see if they had any better ones but we found these awesome Indian headbands that totally needed instructions on how to wear. They were insane.

While at Target I got a phone call. Yeah, let's just say I spoke a little too soon on my two previous posts. My caseworker, Loni, called me. And she told me that N had called her yesterday and they saw each other today. It was sort of lame that he went without me. But he has a TON of courage to go out on his own and do that. She just kind of told me what he said and that he was polite about it. Most of the same things he told me was that he wants to do what's best for the baby. And I don't know if he suggested it or if she did. But something about having meetings together to clear things up, and also to make decisions. Not to make decisions right away. But to make some progress through the relationship.
I didn't even know how to feel. I was in complete schock because I thought about just giving up. Yeah, a week is a little short of time to give up. But the whole three strikes you're out thing. And I felt like N wasn't putting in any effort. So why should I put forth the effort for him? Anyway, It was kind of funny because, I don't want to say I yelled at her because I wasn't angry, probably more relieved and said, "Loni! You don't even know how crazy I've been the past couple of days because I thought he was done and wasn't going to return my calls." But she said the talk went well and we'll probably meet on Friday.
I'm excited but SO nervous. Because I have some pretty big news to tell them. I've been telling Loni that I was most likely be doing single parenting. But after I found out about this couple, I would really consider adoption. It's so weird to even think about it. It still hurts. But I feel a lot better about it. I don't know how they'll react. I'm sure N will be happy because that's what he wants. But I still haven't made up my 100%. I still have that attachment for my baby. And it probably won't ever go away. But I know God will help me through this. :] Always have faith.

Anyway, I thought I would post some pictures of some family pictures we took a couple of weeks ago. Ha. They're... great. I tried posting the ones of the family that look all good. Sorry if some are unhappy. :/
All 6 sisters.


I added this one, clearly, just to laugh at it. Erika and I saw the photographers blog and we saw all these jumping pictures. And we said, "We'll tell the photographer the jumping pictures are a negatron." And we got one. Ha.

And the last ones are of me, GO ME.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I can tell the future.

Date: Dec 20, 2008 10:21 PM

a crying mood.

While watching the BYU game at my boy's house, I just started crying.

Nothing really came about it.

Most of it was tears of joys, sadness, and frustration.


Exboyfriend steals my friends from me so now I can't hang out with them.


My best friend is back at WRA so I can't talk to her.


Realize how much I really love my boyfriend.

And I know someday he'll be a good father.

He's so amazing.


I feel like I don't deserve him at all.


I want to tell him, but I'm afraid I'll get too attached and he'll leave me.

Venting... cause no one else will listen.

--- I think this funny because I wrote that a month before I found out I was pregnant. :/
And I knew he was going to be a good father.

I found another thing I wrote:















--- I just got these out of my old Myspace e-mails. Ha. Weird. Anyway, I posted a blog earlier. It's below this one.

Giving Up?

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of just waiting around for something that will never come around. I should've expected this to happen. I don't understand how one guy can get your hopes up to completely crush them. But it's back in the same old pattern, where I'm stuck.
Maybe I'm speaking too soon. First he says he wants to help and be there. Then he'll stop returning my calls. I called him yesterday and left a message and nothing. He might as well just save me and our baby the heartbreak and just go and get out of our lives.
But I know he doesn't have the will power to do it. And at the same time I think he won't give up his rights already is because he's scared. Because he already loves and cares for this baby, he doesn't want to get attached. Believe me, before we broke up, he told me that he wouldn't care if he had a baby right now and how much he thought he was ready to be a father. Probably just emotionally though. I think secretly, deep down he wants to be the father. But he's scared what everyone will think of him. He's scared he's not good enough.
So as I'm waiting for him not to be scared, he gives me a slight hope he's coming around. But it's just a tape he keeps rewinding and playing on repeat. The same scene over and over. And I don't know how much more I can handle. I'll believe that he's ready to come around when I see it happening. Right now, I'm seeing nothing.

I was supposed to go to my extern today but I threw up this morning. Yesterday was hard for me to eat. And I still haven't eaten a lot today. I don't know what is with having a random loss of appetite. Maybe just stress? That's probably it.

Is it okay for me to just cry and feel sorry for myself? I don't want pity from others. I like to hide that nothing is bothering me. But there are things that pull on my heart that bring me above the surface. I don't want pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Most of the time, they do for my situation. Or they feel sorry for me for being stupid for getting in this situation. That's always a good one.

But I've been doing the best I can to not get myself into the whole "pity me, my life sucks" mood. I've been thinking about adoption. And a family that might be good for my baby, if I choose adoption. I probably won't make a decision until N is involved and after my ultrasound. Either way, it will be hard.
The family doesn't know that they are a potential family. But they're pretty close to family. And I've thought, if I chose adoption and it was with them, I'd totally be okay. Because I know them and their family and would feel safe. And would probably be really excited about seeing my baby instead of dreading it.
I hate thinking about it though. That's the time I want to crawl up in a corner and cry. I used to be able to call him and talk with him about my problems. But he won't ever pick up the phone. I was looking online the other day at the LDS family services website and reading this for him. And I had the sudden urge to call him. I called to see if he would answer or call back. Nothing. Maybe I'm being too needy or scaring him. I tend to do that to people. Blah.

Well, on a lighter note. I have my 16 week appointment on April 8th. And then on May 5th I have my ultrasound! It's coming right up! I really would like a boy. I don't know. I'm weird. But if I had a girl, I would name her Olivia Nicole. I also like the name Kenady for a girl.
I have thought of a few names for boys. Maybe I'll make a poll like my sister did, later on, after I find out the sex, of course. But I like the names: Oliver, Brody, McAllister (Mac for short), Aiden, Gavin, and Beau. His middle name would be N after his daddy.

That reminds me, I tried writing a journal for my baby. All my thoughts and stuff. And that has not been working out at all day. Maybe one day I'll just transfer my journal to here. Because I'm sure I'd be more likely to just type this and print it out. Because I have no time to sit down and write a novel. And I spend more time on the computer.

Anyway, Uh, here's a picture of me and my sister Erika. She's about 5 weeks ahead of me, making her 20 weeks along. She's having a little boy. :] And she has two little girls.

Erika: 19 weeks. Me: 14 weeks.
By the way, all through high school I got made fun of because I have no butt. So feel free to comment about my fullish looking butt here, in a non-sexual way. Just tell me it looks good, so I feel good! HA. Just kidding.

I like to laugh. So watch the old people :]

Don't judge my journey unless you've walked my path.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


N had to work so he didn't go with me to my appointment at LDS family services.
He called me yesterday while I was working but I called him back and left him a message saying there was a group at 4:30 and that my next appointment will be in two weeks.

So I went to LDS family services and it was kind of interesting.
My dental teacher told me that she worked with a lady who was trying to adopt. And they got a call from North Carolina about a baby. And they said they had to fly out there to get the baby but they had to stay a week because the birth mom can change her mind within at that time. And I thought about adoption and if I were to do adoption. It would be that family. And I told Loni (my case worker) that and she said it was funny because that's her couple. I don't know what it is but maybe the Lord is trying to tell me something. :/ Gosh, it's so hard for me not to cry when I think about adoption. Like right now, I just want to cry and say no, it's not for me. But I can't say it, because it's not for me. It would be for the baby.
I just could never believe that I would ever have to put any of my children up for adoption.

Anyway, after I went to Wal*mart because I have some lovely cancre sores in my mouth. So I went to get some cancre sore medicine. And N works at Wal*mart, I saw him when I walked in but I don't think he saw me. Then I went into the self check out line and he walked over and said hi. And asked what I was buying. And I told him it was cancre sore medicine. He asked why I had cancre sores. But I don't know. PSH. Probably just stress.
But I gave him a paper with like the schedule of the birth parent groups that he could go to. It's every Wednesday from 4:30 to 6. (I'm totally going tonight and we're doing yoga and relaxation!) He couldn't go tonight because he works until 7.
Then I told him that either we could go April 7 or 9 and I had a doctors appointment on the 8th and he said he would call me when he had his schedule with him.
I always seem to make myself look stupid though because I grabbed my money and I totally forgot to grab my medicine and he asked, "Do you want that?" I just said, "Probably!" Then I saw the nail place like right in front of me and got a much needed pedicure! And it was fantastic.
Before I left I showed him my beautiful toes. :] ha.

It was good to relax today though and not have to think much about anything. I started at my dental office on Monday for my externship. I still go to school Monday through Thursday from 6 to 9:30. I also work at a local restaurant Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. So much stresssss. And it also made me happy to think he was actually coming around. Usually, I have to be the one who walks over and says hello first. Improvment? I think so.

Let's do a little picture time line. YAY.

Mine and N's first picture together. Summer '08

At the mall.
Roadtrip to Idaho. One of our last pictures together. January '097 weeks pregnant.

10 weeks pregnant.

12 weeks pregnant.

And the current one, 14 weeks pregnant.

Don't judge my journey unless you've walked my path.

Monday, March 23, 2009

First Blog

I'm not into writing blogs all that much, I don't even know why I decided to join this, at all.
Maybe to get my feelings out. That's cool.

Well, I have not much to say on my first blog.

I'll introduce myself:
I'm Stefanie.
I am 18 years old.
I will be 19 on April 26.
I am number 5 of 6 sisters.
No brothers. Kthanks.
Ugh, I'm single.
And 14 weeks pregnant.

We'll probably talk more about that last one, before "cool."

Or we can talk about it now before people start judging me because I'm living in sin.
Well, or was.

Let's start from the crappy relationship to the good one? Sound awesome?

Well, I met a boy named J and we started dating my junior year in high school. Let's say, we had our issues. He wanted to change me into something I didn't want to be, at all. All, I wanted was a boy to love me for me, and that was not enough for him. He wanted other girls to love him, too. Even if it meant being married to me and another woman. And that is definitely, not okay with me at all. I do not support anyone who is into polygamy at all. But at the time J and I got together I thought he saved me because I attempted suicide at the age of 16. Because of a boy who took advantage of me. I met J right after I had gotten out of the hospital and he just ended up being a best friend to me. And then we ended up being boyfriend and girlfriend. Things were going okay in the beginning, but of course, a lot of it started out physically. It didn't make me happy inside because I knew I was worth more than that. But he basically kept telling me I wasn't but wanting me to do things with him and other girls at the same time. I was not okay with being used, but I did it anyway. I have done things I regret, including being him a relationship with him. I suffered through mental and sexual abuse for 2 years. I have tried to break up with him but he always tried to scare me out of it by saying he'll attempt suicide. And yes, it worked. I stayed with him.
Over the summer of my 18th birthday, I started going back to work at a local fast food place. They opened up a new store and asked me to go work there. I have met people in my life, but people in my life that have not impacted me so much, in a short amount of time. I don't remember the exact day or anything but I met N. There are two things about me when you meet me, either I am really shy. Or if I like you or am trying to impress you, I talk a lot. I had a mixture of both. But when I met him, I don't even know but there was something about him that made me want to keep talking to him. I probably was more on the annoying side of things but I did get his number out of it. :] Ha. After asking his brother for it. But we texted each other but not a lot. We mostly just talked at work. I remember one night, I went to dental assisting school at night, this was in August, and I finish school in May. And I invited him to come over and see me. So he did and we talked for a bit. Then later that night I just wanted to keep hanging out with him. And honestly, we stayed up all night at his house just talking about things. I've never been so honest to someone in my life.
At that time, I was struggling with addiction to drugs, and with J. And N always tried to help and talk me out of it someway. And I remember he would tell me that he was trying to win me over away from J. Because he liked me a lot, I guess. I never had anyone try to fight for me. I was stupid and insecure and kept thinking once N got to know me, there was NO way he would still want me. J and I kept getting more and more distant and I was becoming closer with N. One night I was hanging out with N at my house and my mom asked me if I was still with J and I told her yes. And N was really upset because he didn't think I was. So later that night, I made my decision to break my own heart and someone else's. Either it had to be N or J's. After spending half of my night with N arguing about it. I went home. On my way home, I made a phone call, to J. To tell him I was being unfaithful to him. And he broke up with me. I called N bawling because I don't like hurting people but basically was telling N- I was choosing him. And he stayed with me on the phone until I fell asleep.
I think the next day, N asked me to be his girlfriend. I was thrilled. Yeah, I was still hurt about J but N and I had a connection that no one else knew. I was still struggling with drugs but was quitting because I didn't want to lie to N about my use. Because all me and J were was based on lies. And so I stopped. Probably in September. It hasn't been hard for me to want to stay away from drugs. I've had no desire to be around them at all. N was my drug, almost. Ha.
A couple of weeks after me and N became official I believe J attempted suicide twice. He had gone into the hospital and go this stomach pumped for overdosing. J also threatened to kill me, N, and a few of my friends who "owed" him with a .9 mm gun. I called the cops on him and about filed a restraining order but the victims advocate officer never called me back so I slacked off.
I can't even describe the feelings that I had for the N and the time we spent together. We probably didn't do all the fun things that a couple would do. I remember N and I went out to The Quarry and rock climbed and watched Nick and Norah's after. I think that was our first movie together. We watched a lot of movies together. I think the one night that I loved the most was the night I realized I was in love with him. After work he texted me and told me I was going to be late for school. And he picked me up and we to Olive Garden (my favorite restuarant) and we just talked about everything. Okay, well tried to talk, I stayed quiet because I was afraid to tell him how I felt. That day made me realize, maybe, he's the last good guy out there for me. N treated me like a princess. He opened doors for me, he treated me like a woman should be treated. I felt as if I didn't deserve it.
But what I will always remember being with N now, is that I deserve being treated better than how J treated me. I deserve someone to love me and care for me the way N did. I am of worth to someone and not to let them walk all over me. Me and N breaking up is the hardest thing that has happened to me. You know people say, you never forget your first love. J was my first love. But I felt like I got a second chance of having a first love all over again. And that was with N.
To end the story, N and I broke up in January. A couple of days after his 22nd birthday. He was deciding what he really wanted in life. And what he really wanted in life wasn't me. Well, sort of. He wanted to go back to church. And he couldn't be with me because I would be "too much of a temptation" for him. I understand because I'm sure I would be after being physically and emotionally involved. But that night, N broke me into pieces. I'm still trying fit them all back together. And there is one thing that is keeping me in the way. Is our baby.
I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after me and N broke up. I went to the doctors because I had an allergic reaction a few weeks before and my hives were coming back. I had been on birth control and me and N had used contraceptives every once in a while. My doctor asked me if I had missed my period because of the medicine I took for the allergic reaction made me miss my period. I told him, that was probably it. And he told me to take a test to make sure, and sure enough. It was positive. I was 4-7 weeks along at the time. I told N and at first he was kind of excited, but scared to be a father. He told me he thought he was ready. A couple of weeks later. He told me he wasn't, and wants me to put the baby up for adoption. We didn't talk for about a month.
I saw him at his work and asked if I could talk to him. And he told me he has thought about me and the baby a lot. And he said that if I put it up for adoption, he would help me buy maternity clothes and things. And if I kept it he said he would still help but he would figure out what he needed to do as a father. Later that night we ended up going out on a date, I think :] ha. He took me to the movies, our last movie together was, Taken. Then a couple of weeks later he wouldn't return my calls. So I went to his work and asked him what was up.
He spoke with his bishop. And his bishop told him, he shouldn't see me face to face. And N still didn't feel like he was ready and what was best for our baby was adoption because of our age and situation. Of course, I'm never happy to hear about this. I'm going to be selfish here, it's my baby. It will be living in me for the next 9 months. What a miracle that is! Some people would love to be able to have that opprotunity and guess what? I got it, maybe not at the best time. But I'm happy.
I talked with my caseworker at LDS family services, and she said that N told his bishop he was afraid to hang out with me because he would have sex with me. So his bishop most likely said that. I have been going to LDS family servics for counseling. And what I should do, I still haven't decided. But I'm trying my hardest to keep my options open as much as I can, even though I really would love to keep my baby.
Oh yeah, also, that night. N told me that if I kept my baby he would fight for full custody. PFFT. Yeah, right. Can you believe that? Either I give my baby away or he'll take it away! It broke my heart to hear him say that to me. It broke my heart even more to hear him say he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he cared about me, only because I'm carrying his baby? Right? Sure, why not. I have kept my distance as long as I could.
At 12 weeks, I went to the doctors and got to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time. I was in too much shock to even cry. But in the moments, where I think I'm completely happy. I ruin it for myself. To know that reality is going to hit me. I went and talked to N's parents after the appointment. And I had heard somethings and wanted to hear it from them. They, too, think that it's best for the baby to put it up for adoption because of my situation. But I have listened to them, even though I've heard it a million times. They are going to be the grandparents of my child and I cannot just push them away because, I don't know, I heard they didn't like me. But that's because they didn't know me. They wanted to know my feelings for N and what intentions I had. Because I know that N had been inactive in the church for many years and his parents, I'm sure, are happy to have their son back. And not so happy to think I'm taking him away from it. So I let them know, it's hard for me because I've been emotionally involved with N and am having his child and so I can't help but still have feelings for him. And as for church, I know that he's been trying his hardest and I didn't want to take away all his hard work from them.
I let them know, the night that N told me that he was going back to church, he set an example for me. And I was working on going back myself. And then I got pregnant, but I'm hoping that doesn't get in the way of me wanting to change my life, as well. Over all, it was a good conversation. And I'm sure N was in the hallway listening. But I've prayed my heart out that he and I would soften our hearts towards each other and understand how each other feels before ruining our baby's life. I have prayed for strength, I have prayed for humility, I have prayed with all of my heart from the help of the Lord to guide me through all of this. I don't know where I would be right now if God wasn't helping me along this journey. I also, told N's parents that if I kept the baby, it wouldn't be to ruin N's life, it would be a decision that I made with the Lord.
I have talked with my sister who has just gotten home from her mission. It has helped me a lot and I have talked with some other sisters. Most about adoption because they feel that is what is best too. But I let them know what was going on in my heart. One epiphany that RuthAnn (Return Missionary) had was that, Maybe it was meant to be that I was supposed to provide a physical body, but spiritually it's meant for someone else. It has stuck with me. But I still haven't come to a full decision.
I find out the gender on May 5th. I'm really excited and nervous. I've never been through anything like this. I would hope for a boy because, hello, 5 sisters and 3 nieces. I'm DONE with girls. My sister, Erika, is 5 weeks ahead of me (so 19 weeks along) and she found she's having a boy. I'm SO jealous. But anyway, yesterday I was thinking who I wanted to be there for the ultrasound.
So I decided to call N's house, thinking I'll just get the machine or his mom will answer. On the second ring I hear, "Hello?"
It's N's voice.
I reply, "Hi."
And N said to me, "I'm glad you called."
I asked, "Why?"
He said, "Well, I wanted to ask you when your next appointment was with LDS family services because I wanted to go with you."
Keep in mind that the last time we talked was after the whole, "I want full custody." So that was probably a month later.
I said, "Um, yeah. If you want to." I let him know when it was.
Then he asked, "So you called?"
And I invited him and his parents to the ultrasound. And he said to me he'll ask them and see what they say.
He told me would call me today, but he hasn't. So, I'm waiting to call tomorrow to not sound too desperate! HA.

Gosh, me? Desperate? Puh-leazz! I'm not having his baby or anything. So waiting around for basically almost 4 months waiting for him to come around has been nothing but an answer to my prayers. Atleast, I hope. I'm praying for strength in me, just in case N falls through, again. And I'm praying for strength in N, to follow through his choices and decisions. I'm not okay with my heart being broken over, and over, and over. If I wanted that I would be back together with J. But I'm not. I'm fighting my own battles. I'm fighting battles for my baby. For mine and N's.
I know there are many people who are not so happy about my situation. And guess what? Neither am I. I never thought I would get pregnant at 19 (meh, but I guess having intercourse means I would have to know the consequences) so I guess I can't use that as an excuse.

I had to delete somethings because people were getting offended by the truth.
But whatev.
It doesn't change the facts of life.


Don't judge my journey unless you've walked my path.