Selfish

I really haven't had my buttons pushed in a long time to really be angry towards people who talk to me about adoption. It has seriously gone over the top. I don't want to admit it because those people who have been purposely trying to make me feel bad, will think that they've won. They're angry about my post about the crappy baby's daddy's. I'm not about to support a deadbeat dad. If he's going to post on Facebook for the whole world to see, then he should be DAMN proud of what he said. So if his family wants to pick at me and my business. Then go for it. I'm sick of you and it doesn't make you any better than me. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone. I'm just done.

My comments are going back to being approved and I might remove my Formspring. It was meant for people who have ACTUAL questions about me and adoption. Not about you trying to bring me down, because it makes you feel better. I've almost been to point of tears by what some of the hurtful things people have said. But I knew I was going to get it from after my post about baby dad's. It may seem it was directed at one person. But it was for all. He just happened to be an example. There is no other way to put it nicely about boys not being grown up enough to be fathers, but bluntly.

So some people had to be blunt to me about my adoption and the hole that I've been repairing for the past 5 months have been opened a little bit more from what people have said. I'll quote some for you.

"You talk all this crap about baby daddys but you didn't even raise your own child you gave it up! How can you be a crappy dad when the kid isn't even born yet?"

It is possible to be a crappy dad when the child isn't born. There is a difference being there for a girl when she's pregnant and not being there. I had to wait 9 MONTHS for Olivia's birth father to apologize to me and tell me that he was wrong and that he wishes he was there in the beginning. I'm just hoping guys out there don't have to wait 9 months to realize that they regret not being there. Not being there to hold the girls hair back when she's puking from morning sickness, when the girl feels the baby move for the first time and places the boys hand on her belly to feel, to see your baby on the ultrasound together, knowing this baby was made out of LOVE. When girls leave their baby's dad, it isn't that she's keeping the baby from him. It's because she's trying to protect her child, out of something potentially harmful for the baby and herself. He has all right to fight for what is rightfully his, if he's going to sit on his ass and demand it, nothing is going to happen. It just shows how uncommitted he is to the mother of his child, and his OWN child.

"And you're an adult so you could have raised your kid, but you were selfish and put yourself first ."

You're right, I am an adult. With the ability to choose and make decisions on my own. I decided to place my daughter for adoption instead of raising her. I wasn't thinking, "I can't wait to get this kid out of me and I'll be happy that I don't have to play mom all day." I cried EVERY single day of my pregnancy, praying, hoping that I can raise this child on my own. If you're a single parent yourself, have you realized how HARD it is to raise it by yourself? Don't you ever wish you had someone next to you, helping you out? Does your child ever ask why their mom or dad isn't around? Do you wish that they had that role model in their life? I CRIED the day I placed her into another woman's arms to be her mother. You don't think that was out of love, you think it was pure selfishness to give someone the gift that they couldn't give themselves?

For some of you who don't understand adoption and why mother's "give up their babies." You don't have to. I'm not going to explain it to you because it IS a beautiful, wonderful, SELFLESS thing a mother could do for their child. Going through the uncomfortable 9 months of pregnancy, the physical pain of delivering a baby, and the emotional pain that tears your heart apart by doing what you did so your baby can be happy and live a happy life with a mom AND a dad. So that baby doesn't have to be raised by it's grandparents or in a daycare. To have that baby someday grow into an adult and thank you for putting their NEEDS before your WANTS. You don't know how many times a day I WANTED to be her mom but I didn't have the NEEDS for her to be her mother and you don't know how much that KILLS me. But you also don't know how happy I am to see that she's going to be with an eternal family. A type of family that I want my future children to grow into not the one that is made after they're born, to be born to be sealed to me and to my loving husband for eternity.

If you don't understand how a mother could place her baby. You don't really know the dedication it took talking to God and creating that relationship with Him to constantly seek Him out and help me out every day. To help me remember why I was doing this. Not for myself, but for HER. You don't know how many times a day I wish I just did it "right" the first time, or got the timing right, to be married first, then start a family. I just skipped a few steps and I wish I didn't because now I have to watch my daughter grow up in someone else's family. I MADE that UNSELFISH decision, as an ADULT, as a LOVING MOTHER, so she can have a happy life and give another woman a chance to be a GREAT mother and a man to be an AWESOME father. I love Dustinn and Val and I appreciate them and grateful to them to still let me be apart of her life. If they cared so much about me posting about her as if she was "still my daughter." They would've confronted me a long time ago or wouldn't have dealt with adoption in the first place. They still tell me she's my daughter and how they appreciate me sharing her with them. But the tables have turned and they're now sharing her with me and I couldn't be more grateful for what they do and how awesome they are to her and to me.

I finally understand what TRUE love means. Love means that you care for another person's happiness MORE than your own, no matter how painful the choices you make might be.

P.S. I LOVED this post. Mary e-mailed me her blog and I have her on my "Hoping to Adopt" section and it was what I needed to read more than anything. Thank you! Her post is called: Birthmothers know it's about LOVE. And that couldn't be anymore true.