Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I really haven't had my buttons pushed in a long time to really be angry towards people who talk to me about adoption. It has seriously gone over the top. I don't want to admit it because those people who have been purposely trying to make me feel bad, will think that they've won. They're angry about my post about the crappy baby's daddy's. I'm not about to support a deadbeat dad. If he's going to post on Facebook for the whole world to see, then he should be DAMN proud of what he said. So if his family wants to pick at me and my business. Then go for it. I'm sick of you and it doesn't make you any better than me. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone. I'm just done.
My comments are going back to being approved and I might remove my Formspring. It was meant for people who have ACTUAL questions about me and adoption. Not about you trying to bring me down, because it makes you feel better. I've almost been to point of tears by what some of the hurtful things people have said. But I knew I was going to get it from after my post about baby dad's. It may seem it was directed at one person. But it was for all. He just happened to be an example. There is no other way to put it nicely about boys not being grown up enough to be fathers, but bluntly.

So some people had to be blunt to me about my adoption and the hole that I've been repairing for the past 5 months have been opened a little bit more from what people have said. I'll quote some for you.

"You talk all this crap about baby daddys but you didn't even raise your own child you gave it up! How can you be a crappy dad when the kid isn't even born yet?"

It is possible to be a crappy dad when the child isn't born. There is a difference being there for a girl when she's pregnant and not being there. I had to wait 9 MONTHS for Olivia's birth father to apologize to me and tell me that he was wrong and that he wishes he was there in the beginning. I'm just hoping guys out there don't have to wait 9 months to realize that they regret not being there. Not being there to hold the girls hair back when she's puking from morning sickness, when the girl feels the baby move for the first time and places the boys hand on her belly to feel, to see your baby on the ultrasound together, knowing this baby was made out of LOVE. When girls leave their baby's dad, it isn't that she's keeping the baby from him. It's because she's trying to protect her child, out of something potentially harmful for the baby and herself. He has all right to fight for what is rightfully his, if he's going to sit on his ass and demand it, nothing is going to happen. It just shows how uncommitted he is to the mother of his child, and his OWN child.

"And you're an adult so you could have raised your kid, but you were selfish and put yourself first ."

You're right, I am an adult. With the ability to choose and make decisions on my own. I decided to place my daughter for adoption instead of raising her. I wasn't thinking, "I can't wait to get this kid out of me and I'll be happy that I don't have to play mom all day." I cried EVERY single day of my pregnancy, praying, hoping that I can raise this child on my own. If you're a single parent yourself, have you realized how HARD it is to raise it by yourself? Don't you ever wish you had someone next to you, helping you out? Does your child ever ask why their mom or dad isn't around? Do you wish that they had that role model in their life? I CRIED the day I placed her into another woman's arms to be her mother. You don't think that was out of love, you think it was pure selfishness to give someone the gift that they couldn't give themselves?

For some of you who don't understand adoption and why mother's "give up their babies." You don't have to. I'm not going to explain it to you because it IS a beautiful, wonderful, SELFLESS thing a mother could do for their child. Going through the uncomfortable 9 months of pregnancy, the physical pain of delivering a baby, and the emotional pain that tears your heart apart by doing what you did so your baby can be happy and live a happy life with a mom AND a dad. So that baby doesn't have to be raised by it's grandparents or in a daycare. To have that baby someday grow into an adult and thank you for putting their NEEDS before your WANTS. You don't know how many times a day I WANTED to be her mom but I didn't have the NEEDS for her to be her mother and you don't know how much that KILLS me. But you also don't know how happy I am to see that she's going to be with an eternal family. A type of family that I want my future children to grow into not the one that is made after they're born, to be born to be sealed to me and to my loving husband for eternity.

If you don't understand how a mother could place her baby. You don't really know the dedication it took talking to God and creating that relationship with Him to constantly seek Him out and help me out every day. To help me remember why I was doing this. Not for myself, but for HER. You don't know how many times a day I wish I just did it "right" the first time, or got the timing right, to be married first, then start a family. I just skipped a few steps and I wish I didn't because now I have to watch my daughter grow up in someone else's family. I MADE that UNSELFISH decision, as an ADULT, as a LOVING MOTHER, so she can have a happy life and give another woman a chance to be a GREAT mother and a man to be an AWESOME father. I love Dustinn and Val and I appreciate them and grateful to them to still let me be apart of her life. If they cared so much about me posting about her as if she was "still my daughter." They would've confronted me a long time ago or wouldn't have dealt with adoption in the first place. They still tell me she's my daughter and how they appreciate me sharing her with them. But the tables have turned and they're now sharing her with me and I couldn't be more grateful for what they do and how awesome they are to her and to me.

I finally understand what TRUE love means. Love means that you care for another person's happiness MORE than your own, no matter how painful the choices you make might be.

P.S. I LOVED this post. Mary e-mailed me her blog and I have her on my "Hoping to Adopt" section and it was what I needed to read more than anything. Thank you! Her post is called: Birthmothers know it's about LOVE. And that couldn't be anymore true.


  1. Wow...those people said those things JUST to push your buttons Stefanie.

    Either that or they're plain stupid.

    Anyone with a brain knows that placing her for adoption wasn't for YOU. That makes me sick.

  2. Wow, I am so sorry that you have been attacked like that. I saw what kinds of pain you were dealing with as you went through everything and I'm sorry that people would so easily dismiss that. It's obvious that these people didn't read your story and were just trying to hurt you.

    I know you are angry with deadbeat birth fathers, but maybe venting that on your blog isn't the best idea (as you've learned). There's a little bit of karma there, for ya. I still think it's terrible that someone would attack a birth mother because it is seriously so selfless to place your baby. And adoption is such an incredible, heart wrenching blessing. It is hard for others to understand if they have not been close enough to an adoption to see that, though.

  3. That's the problem with things that allow anonymity. People will say things anonymously that they don't have the guts to say as themselves.

    One thing I've come to realize since placing my little girl is that there are always going to be people who have to be a-holes about it, and there's nothing you can say or do that will change their arrogance or stupidity or cowardice.

    I'm sorry people have been jerks to you. You deserve better.

  4. I love you Stef. I went through months and months of sperm donor telling me how selfish I was. It hurts so bad. But you and I both know the truth. You made the most selfless decision anyone could make. Hang in there. I'm always here if you want to talk

  5. I am so sorry that what started out to be fun and informative has turned out to something mean. I understand where you are coming from. I have issues with my own husband giving me a hard time.

  6. Wow! Is pretty much all I can say! It's sad that people don't really understand what adoption is really about! My stake Relief Society President Just recently adopted a cute little 2 year old from Haiti and that took 27 months for them to finally get him! She always talks about him and how cute he is, especially through the lesson this past Sunday! The lesson was about being able to Love yourself and those around you!

    I'm so grateful to you as my friend of truly showing me what Adoption is really about, and it has been a blessing and a privilege to being able to choose to support you through this whole ordeal! I may not know how it feels to place for adoption, but through you and other people I know, I'm able to understand a little better and be able to share an opinion of how Beautiful it really is. It's just as sacred as having a baby after Marriage. And it should be respected as such.

    I Love you like crazy! And I hope people will realize how important this experience is to you, as well as Olivia and her family! <3 You are an amazing person to me and I look up to you!

  7. "If you don't understand how a mother could place her baby. You don't really know the dedication it took talking to God and creating that relationship with Him to constantly seek Him out and help me out every day."

    In all reality Stefanie, HIS opinion is all that should matter to you. I have been dealing with these same questions, these same ignorances and these same assumptions for over 20 years now, and it has to roll off my back. I listen to people, take in what they have to say and if it makes me think...well great. But I do not take it with me. I cannot allow anyone else to change my truths as I know them. Not everyone will understand why we chose to let our children walk without us, not everyone will be nice in their comments or rants. Just like you want to be heard, so do they. Sometimes they will be rude, hurtful, irrate and down right closed to your opinions. It may seem like easy advice, but you will have to just let it go. YOu know how you feel, you know your reasons for feeling the way you do and not everyone will feel the same as you.

    I, like you, asked God for guidance when I was pregnant and he lead me on the path that HE deemed fit. I, like you, was brave enough to admit that I could not care for my children the way I thought they should be cared for. I prayed and prayed, and HE helped me. I have taken a LOT of flak these last two decades but I am always reminded that I did what I thought was best. It was my decision, it was a choice that I went with and nothing I can do or say can change that now. You will have many more days when people try to cut you down, try to make you feel inferrior because you did what you knew in your heart was right. Don't take their ignorance with you. Keep your chin up, keep your heart true and continue to ask HIM for help...HE will always answer!

    My last bit of advice is from Eleanore Roosevelt, and I say this to myself EVERYDAY!!!
    "No one can make you feel inferrior without your permission."

    You have a friend out here who will always understand what you are feeling. Don't be silenced or change your convictions for someone else, you are worth more than that!

  8. Amen sister, Well said!

    I had some nasty adoption "trolls" last October and I know how it can tear you down. I was told that I "poop" (they used a harsher word...) rainbows pretty much because I actually have a positive adoption story to tell. Keep reminding yourself of the truths you just posted, some people will never understand the selfless love part of adoption and take their anger out on other people. *hugs*

  9. blah, i just wrote the longest comment and then lost it.

    stef, whoever said you were selfish for placing olivia needs a kick in the pants.

    you know you did the right thing for her. i'm so grateful for my birthmom who placed me so i didn't have to grow up in a day care, not knowing my dad, and not being able to see my mom because she had to work her freaking A off to support us. i had a stay at home mom, and wonderful dad who i am incredibly close to, i had dance lessons, and piano lessons, and so many more things that i wouldn't have had.

    i know carrin didn't give me up so she could just get back on with her life. it wasn't because i was a total inconvienience to her. she took care of me while i grew, and she made sure i was going to my right parents.

    now that we've met again and are building a relationship, i just see it as i have more people out there that love me. the non-adopted kiddos are the jipped ones...i have so many people that love me and care for me and want to see me succeed.

    olivia will be so proud of you and all the things you're getting ready to sealed in the temple, start your own family, get an education...i know because i am so proud of carrin for what she's done to pull herself together and straighten her life out.

    you did the right thing. you know you did. and i seriously admire you for that.

  10. I am so sorry that people have said that stuff to you. Please don't let them get to you, You know and I know and your baby knows and the Lord knows that what you did was one of the most selfless things a birth mother could do. Give her child the gift of having a mother and a father who were aching so badly for a beautiful baby to raise as their own. I recently had a beautiful baby girl, Her name was Colette, she only live 5 hours before she returned home to our Heavenly Father. I never even got to hold her while she was alive. That car ride home from the Hospital with an empty car seat is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Giving your baby up either to another earthy mother and father or to our Heavenly Father and Mother....either's not for wimps an I can only hope and pray that great blessings are in store for both of us one day :)

  11. As the parent of an adopted child, I say kudos to you. My daughter is a very special gift that was given to me from another woman. Whatever her reasons, they remain with her; however without her I couldn't have the love of my daughter! Love allows us to do things we might not otherwise be able to.

  12. Delete Formspring!! That thing is the devil!!!!!

  13. I love you Stef! It is so frustrating when people don't understand the sacredness of your choice as a birth mom. You gave Olivia more. You did it out of love for her. I feel it is a love that most people don't even have the chance to comprehend. I feel the same about our birth mom and what she did for our son. You are amazing women! Don't allow anyone to make you feel differently about yourself and your decision that was clearly guided by our Heavenly Father.

  14. Oh Stef I'm so sorry! I had no idea this was going on. I read it to Dustinn and we were both totally shocked that people would so badly misunderstand your adoption! (And the people must've found formspring from facebook because if they had read any of your blog it would be crystal clear the deep love you have for your daughter and the horrific pain and grief you felt doing this for her.) I'm so sorry they such cruel things. We love you. We hope things have gotten better since this.