I'm not into writing blogs all that much, I don't even know why I decided to join this, at all.
Maybe to get my feelings out. That's cool.
Well, I have not much to say on my first blog.
I'll introduce myself:
I am 18 years old.
I will be 19 on April 26.
I am number 5 of 6 sisters.
No brothers. Kthanks.
Ugh, I'm single.
And 14 weeks pregnant.
We'll probably talk more about that last one, before "cool."
Or we can talk about it now before people start judging me because I'm living in sin.
Well, or was.
Let's start from the crappy relationship to the good one? Sound awesome?
Well, I met a boy named J and we started dating my junior year in high school. Let's say, we had our issues. He wanted to change me into something I didn't want to be, at all. All, I wanted was a boy to love me for me, and that was not enough for him. He wanted other girls to love him, too. Even if it meant being married to me and another woman. And that is definitely, not okay with me at all. I do not support anyone who is into polygamy at all. But at the time J and I got together I thought he saved me because I attempted suicide at the age of 16. Because of a boy who took advantage of me. I met J right after I had gotten out of the hospital and he just ended up being a best friend to me. And then we ended up being boyfriend and girlfriend. Things were going okay in the beginning, but of course, a lot of it started out physically. It didn't make me happy inside because I knew I was worth more than that. But he basically kept telling me I wasn't but wanting me to do things with him and other girls at the same time. I was not okay with being used, but I did it anyway. I have done things I regret, including being him a relationship with him. I suffered through mental and sexual abuse for 2 years. I have tried to break up with him but he always tried to scare me out of it by saying he'll attempt suicide. And yes, it worked. I stayed with him.
Over the summer of my 18th birthday, I started going back to work at a local fast food place. They opened up a new store and asked me to go work there. I have met people in my life, but people in my life that have not impacted me so much, in a short amount of time. I don't remember the exact day or anything but I met N. There are two things about me when you meet me, either I am really shy. Or if I like you or am trying to impress you, I talk a lot. I had a mixture of both. But when I met him, I don't even know but there was something about him that made me want to keep talking to him. I probably was more on the annoying side of things but I did get his number out of it. :] Ha. After asking his brother for it. But we texted each other but not a lot. We mostly just talked at work. I remember one night, I went to dental assisting school at night, this was in August, and I finish school in May. And I invited him to come over and see me. So he did and we talked for a bit. Then later that night I just wanted to keep hanging out with him. And honestly, we stayed up all night at his house just talking about things. I've never been so honest to someone in my life.
At that time, I was struggling with addiction to drugs, and with J. And N always tried to help and talk me out of it someway. And I remember he would tell me that he was trying to win me over away from J. Because he liked me a lot, I guess. I never had anyone try to fight for me. I was stupid and insecure and kept thinking once N got to know me, there was NO way he would still want me. J and I kept getting more and more distant and I was becoming closer with N. One night I was hanging out with N at my house and my mom asked me if I was still with J and I told her yes. And N was really upset because he didn't think I was. So later that night, I made my decision to break my own heart and someone else's. Either it had to be N or J's. After spending half of my night with N arguing about it. I went home. On my way home, I made a phone call, to J. To tell him I was being unfaithful to him. And he broke up with me. I called N bawling because I don't like hurting people but basically was telling N- I was choosing him. And he stayed with me on the phone until I fell asleep.
I think the next day, N asked me to be his girlfriend. I was thrilled. Yeah, I was still hurt about J but N and I had a connection that no one else knew. I was still struggling with drugs but was quitting because I didn't want to lie to N about my use. Because all me and J were was based on lies. And so I stopped. Probably in September. It hasn't been hard for me to want to stay away from drugs. I've had no desire to be around them at all. N was my drug, almost. Ha.
A couple of weeks after me and N became official I believe J attempted suicide twice. He had gone into the hospital and go this stomach pumped for overdosing. J also threatened to kill me, N, and a few of my friends who "owed" him with a .9 mm gun. I called the cops on him and about filed a restraining order but the victims advocate officer never called me back so I slacked off.
I can't even describe the feelings that I had for the N and the time we spent together. We probably didn't do all the fun things that a couple would do. I remember N and I went out to The Quarry and rock climbed and watched Nick and Norah's after. I think that was our first movie together. We watched a lot of movies together. I think the one night that I loved the most was the night I realized I was in love with him. After work he texted me and told me I was going to be late for school. And he picked me up and we to Olive Garden (my favorite restuarant) and we just talked about everything. Okay, well tried to talk, I stayed quiet because I was afraid to tell him how I felt. That day made me realize, maybe, he's the last good guy out there for me. N treated me like a princess. He opened doors for me, he treated me like a woman should be treated. I felt as if I didn't deserve it.
But what I will always remember being with N now, is that I deserve being treated better than how J treated me. I deserve someone to love me and care for me the way N did. I am of worth to someone and not to let them walk all over me. Me and N breaking up is the hardest thing that has happened to me. You know people say, you never forget your first love. J was my first love. But I felt like I got a second chance of having a first love all over again. And that was with N.
To end the story, N and I broke up in January. A couple of days after his 22nd birthday. He was deciding what he really wanted in life. And what he really wanted in life wasn't me. Well, sort of. He wanted to go back to church. And he couldn't be with me because I would be "too much of a temptation" for him. I understand because I'm sure I would be after being physically and emotionally involved. But that night, N broke me into pieces. I'm still trying fit them all back together. And there is one thing that is keeping me in the way. Is our baby.
I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after me and N broke up. I went to the doctors because I had an allergic reaction a few weeks before and my hives were coming back. I had been on birth control and me and N had used contraceptives every once in a while. My doctor asked me if I had missed my period because of the medicine I took for the allergic reaction made me miss my period. I told him, that was probably it. And he told me to take a test to make sure, and sure enough. It was positive. I was 4-7 weeks along at the time. I told N and at first he was kind of excited, but scared to be a father. He told me he thought he was ready. A couple of weeks later. He told me he wasn't, and wants me to put the baby up for adoption. We didn't talk for about a month.
I saw him at his work and asked if I could talk to him. And he told me he has thought about me and the baby a lot. And he said that if I put it up for adoption, he would help me buy maternity clothes and things. And if I kept it he said he would still help but he would figure out what he needed to do as a father. Later that night we ended up going out on a date, I think :] ha. He took me to the movies, our last movie together was, Taken. Then a couple of weeks later he wouldn't return my calls. So I went to his work and asked him what was up.
He spoke with his bishop. And his bishop told him, he shouldn't see me face to face. And N still didn't feel like he was ready and what was best for our baby was adoption because of our age and situation. Of course, I'm never happy to hear about this. I'm going to be selfish here, it's my baby. It will be living in me for the next 9 months. What a miracle that is! Some people would love to be able to have that opprotunity and guess what? I got it, maybe not at the best time. But I'm happy.
I talked with my caseworker at LDS family services, and she said that N told his bishop he was afraid to hang out with me because he would have sex with me. So his bishop most likely said that. I have been going to LDS family servics for counseling. And what I should do, I still haven't decided. But I'm trying my hardest to keep my options open as much as I can, even though I really would love to keep my baby.
Oh yeah, also, that night. N told me that if I kept my baby he would fight for full custody. PFFT. Yeah, right. Can you believe that? Either I give my baby away or he'll take it away! It broke my heart to hear him say that to me. It broke my heart even more to hear him say he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he cared about me, only because I'm carrying his baby? Right? Sure, why not. I have kept my distance as long as I could.
At 12 weeks, I went to the doctors and got to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time. I was in too much shock to even cry. But in the moments, where I think I'm completely happy. I ruin it for myself. To know that reality is going to hit me. I went and talked to N's parents after the appointment. And I had heard somethings and wanted to hear it from them. They, too, think that it's best for the baby to put it up for adoption because of my situation. But I have listened to them, even though I've heard it a million times. They are going to be the grandparents of my child and I cannot just push them away because, I don't know, I heard they didn't like me. But that's because they didn't know me. They wanted to know my feelings for N and what intentions I had. Because I know that N had been inactive in the church for many years and his parents, I'm sure, are happy to have their son back. And not so happy to think I'm taking him away from it. So I let them know, it's hard for me because I've been emotionally involved with N and am having his child and so I can't help but still have feelings for him. And as for church, I know that he's been trying his hardest and I didn't want to take away all his hard work from them.
I let them know, the night that N told me that he was going back to church, he set an example for me. And I was working on going back myself. And then I got pregnant, but I'm hoping that doesn't get in the way of me wanting to change my life, as well. Over all, it was a good conversation. And I'm sure N was in the hallway listening. But I've prayed my heart out that he and I would soften our hearts towards each other and understand how each other feels before ruining our baby's life. I have prayed for strength, I have prayed for humility, I have prayed with all of my heart from the help of the Lord to guide me through all of this. I don't know where I would be right now if God wasn't helping me along this journey. I also, told N's parents that if I kept the baby, it wouldn't be to ruin N's life, it would be a decision that I made with the Lord.
I have talked with my sister who has just gotten home from her mission. It has helped me a lot and I have talked with some other sisters. Most about adoption because they feel that is what is best too. But I let them know what was going on in my heart. One epiphany that RuthAnn (Return Missionary) had was that, Maybe it was meant to be that I was supposed to provide a physical body, but spiritually it's meant for someone else. It has stuck with me. But I still haven't come to a full decision.
I find out the gender on May 5th. I'm really excited and nervous. I've never been through anything like this. I would hope for a boy because, hello, 5 sisters and 3 nieces. I'm DONE with girls. My sister, Erika, is 5 weeks ahead of me (so 19 weeks along) and she found she's having a boy. I'm SO jealous. But anyway, yesterday I was thinking who I wanted to be there for the ultrasound.
So I decided to call N's house, thinking I'll just get the machine or his mom will answer. On the second ring I hear, "Hello?"
It's N's voice.
I reply, "Hi."
And N said to me, "I'm glad you called."
I asked, "Why?"
He said, "Well, I wanted to ask you when your next appointment was with LDS family services because I wanted to go with you."
Keep in mind that the last time we talked was after the whole, "I want full custody." So that was probably a month later.
I said, "Um, yeah. If you want to." I let him know when it was.
Then he asked, "So you called?"
And I invited him and his parents to the ultrasound. And he said to me he'll ask them and see what they say.
He told me would call me today, but he hasn't. So, I'm waiting to call tomorrow to not sound too desperate! HA.
Gosh, me? Desperate? Puh-leazz! I'm not having his baby or anything. So waiting around for basically almost 4 months waiting for him to come around has been nothing but an answer to my prayers. Atleast, I hope. I'm praying for strength in me, just in case N falls through, again. And I'm praying for strength in N, to follow through his choices and decisions. I'm not okay with my heart being broken over, and over, and over. If I wanted that I would be back together with J. But I'm not. I'm fighting my own battles. I'm fighting battles for my baby. For mine and N's.
I know there are many people who are not so happy about my situation. And guess what? Neither am I. I never thought I would get pregnant at 19 (meh, but I guess having intercourse means I would have to know the consequences) so I guess I can't use that as an excuse.
I had to delete somethings because people were getting offended by the truth.
It doesn't change the facts of life.
Don't judge my journey unless you've walked my path.