I'm sure I write all the time that I don't know where to begin. I guess that's just my starter to help get my creative writing juices flowing. I have felt mountains and mountains of stress on my shoulders lately as my wedding gets closer. I get more and more frustrated, only because I want the perfect wedding. I know there are days that I take things for granted that I only want the nice things in life. When really, that day, I don't want to think about if the flowers aren't arranged that I want, that the frosting on my cake is melting, that nothing matches, that day will only be about me and my husband. Husband. Oh, it feels SO good to say that.
Trust me, I'm sure if you have heard anything from Tayler's side, he'd probably tell you to stay about 50 feet away from me or I might slit your throat. hahaha. Not really though.
I will sort of tell you about my weekend. It has nothing but me wanting to cry my eyes out. I went to the doctors to get a birth control (IUD). I've always been told that you have to be on a birth control a month before your wedding so your body gets used to it. I got the mirena so it has a hormone in it, the same one that they use in the BC pills. I guess it might've just gotten me really emotional. It hasn't been a year yet since I've had little Olivia. But there is still that irrational part of me that longs for a child. That craves to have a baby. But somewhere in me, there is that rational part that says that I can't provide for a baby right now. That's not why I'm getting married, just so I can have kids (contrary to popular belief). The BC is supposed to last for 5 years. I'm sure we'll have kids before 5 years (you can get it taken out whenever) and so there was that lonely part of me that I physically can't have kids now for up to 5 years. I know, I should be grateful and should feel lucky that I can atleast have kids. But I grieved for a minute or so. I vented to Tayler. He's put up with too much these past few months. But he's my foundation. He seriously knows the right words to say to me. I was in the drive thru getting food and I about broke out into tears.
"Honey, I know you want a baby. I kinda figured this was going to make you a little upset. You know that we can't support a baby right now. It will only be for a while and then we can start our own little family. You will be a mother and a great one at that with our babies. I know this for a fact. Don't you think we need to grow a little together before we bring a precious little gift into the world?"
Me: "Yeah. I know. Just lately I've missed the feeling of being pregnant. And sitting in the doctors office reminded me of all the times I would go for little Olivia. And how surreal it is that I had a baby. Because I have nothing to show for it except pictures."
Tayler: "Yes, you do have something to show for it. Your determination to do it right this time. And how good of a mom you are going to be. Remember compensation? I know I'm not a baby but I do what I can to give you the world. Honey, you're going to be a great mom and I want you to be my wife and mother of my kids. Don't worry it won't be long before we will have babies. Lets enjoy our time together and plan our future out so we can spoil our kids as much as we want. K? :)"
As most of you know or are wondering why you didn't see me at the adoption conference this year. I'm SORRY. My Aunt was visiting from Texas (I haven't seen her in years and she won't be able to make it to my wedding) and invited me to go to Rexburg with her for a day to the BYU-I education week. I really had no idea what it was about and looked online and I love classes. And I have been missing EFY. My sister is a counselor so that doesn't help me in anyway. All the classes were really good. The last two were probably what I wanted to hear the most. Or that I needed to hear.
Our devotional on Friday was given by DAVID A. BEDNAR. And guess who got to sit in the front row of it? Me and my Aunt. That's right. It's not everyday you get to listen to an apostle talk.
In a talk at BYU, Jack Marshall said, “In the Church, we most persecute families right from the pulpit, with some of the testimonies: we have 12 children, all married in the temple, etc., etc.” He then quoted a story from The Teacher Within by a Dr. Clark: Elder Marvin J. Ashton was being introduced by a stake president, who managed in his introduction to include information about his own children and how well they were doing. Elder Ashton, as he got up to speak, turned to him and said, ‘President, you go home and kneel down in your closet and express thanks to your Heavenly Father, but don’t burden the rest of us with your successes.”
I saw Andee this past weekend at her bridal/bacheloretter party and she showed me her apartment where she'll be living when she's married and we went out to dinner. She was saying that at her family's party that her and Andrea were talking about me. Haha. It's not everyday that you're the topic of someone's conversation... well... hopefully a good topic. They were just saying how ridiculous it is that some people feel the need to tell me that my marriage isn't going to work out because I'm not getting married in the Temple. Me and Tayer did have a temple date set then I felt the need to confess somethings to my bishop from the past and a temple marriage just wasn't in the picture for now. We have been counseled to get married then be sealed. And they were just saying that it's wrong that people can't just look at me and see how well I've been doing from my previous past. I learned so much from my unplanned pregnancy with Olivia, that it has changed me to my core, and I firmly believe I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm sure I'd probably be back in my old habits and my abusive relationship.
I know I'm still not a perfect Mormon girl. I still have my occasional Sundays where I go to the movies. I have seen some rated-R movies. Not as much as I used to. I'm slowly weeding it out of my life. It is hard from your track record from being imperfect to perfect. I'm just taking some baby steps to get there.
My favorite little lyric from Paramore is, "Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror."
This last class nearly brought me to tears. I wanted to go up and just hug this guy. The class was "Oh God, Where Art Thou?" Discorvering His tender mercies in the midst of mortality. "Why me? Why this? Why now?" Doctorines on the uses of adversity.
I'm not here to say that everything that I have gone through is worse than what you have ever been through. I could never say that to anybody.
But I have recently loss my best friend almost 5 months ago. This class is exactly what I needed to hear. I will just share some quotes with you that I had.
"As you overcome adversity in your life, you will become stronger. Use your ingenuity, your strength, your might to resolve your challenges. Do all you can do and then leave the rest to the Lord... Living the Gospel does not mean the storms of life will pass us by, but we will be better prepared to face them with peace and serenity."
-Joseph B. Wirthlin
"The Gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is resource in event of pain, and when that pain comes (and it will come because we came here on Earth to have pain among other things), rejoice that you have resource to deal with your pain."
-Taken from "The Uses of Adversity" by Carlfred Broderick
"Why are we left alone and often sad? Man is destined to be a God and has to act as an independent being, and is left without aid to see what he will do. Whether he will be for God, to practice him to depend on his own resources, and try his independence, to be righteous in the dark, to be the friend of God. I do the best I can when left to myself, to act on my agency as the independent Gods to show our capacity."
Brigham Young's Office or Secretary's Journal
"You that have not passed through the trials and persecutions and drivings, with this people, from the beginning, but have only read of them, or heard some of them related, may think how awful they were to endure, and wonder that the Saints survived them at all. The thought of it makes your heart sink within you, your brains reel, and your bodies tremble, and you are ready to exclaim, "I could not have endured it." I have been in the heat of it, and I never felt better in my life; I never felt peace and power of the Almighty more copiously poured upon me than in the keenest part of our trials. They appeared nothing to me."
-Brigham Young, Journal of Disclosures.
The quote of above kind of reminds me of this personal experience that I have had recently. One of my best friends had a miscarriage. Well, another girl who balantly hates her decided to be dramatic because it's okay to be immature, I guess. This girl (who is adopted) basically said to my friend, "You need to get over that you lost your baby. You can ask my birthmom, and I'm pretty sure it's harder to give up a baby than to lose one." Um, excuse me? I, being a birthmom, was clearly offended by this. It's not some contest to see who has been through the worst. I'm sure this girl is on one side of the adoption triad being the adoptee. But never ONCE being in the position to give up a child or to lose one to death, shouldn't have EVER said that. She shouldn't need to be insensitive or inappropriate to either situation. My friend couldn't go with me to Olivia's baby blessing because it made her sick to think that because she lost her baby, that her baby couldn't have that. My heart hurts for those who have lost children due to miscarriages and other complications either in the womb or older. I just couldn't handle that.
"None of us will escape tragedy and suffering, each of us will probably react differently. However, if we can recall the Lord's promise, 'for I the Lord am with you,' we will be able to face our problem with dignity and courage. We will find strength to be of good cheer instead of becoming resentful, critical, or defeated. We will be able to meet life's unpleasant happenings with clear vision, strength and power... What a joy it is to see someone of good cheer, who, when others because of an unpleasant happening or development live in angry silence or vocal disgust, meets the situation with cheerful endurance and good spirits."
-Marvin J. Ashton
"The pathway of fiery trials is the way ordained by God for His favored sons and daughters."
(Man's Relationship to Diety, Elder B.H. Roberts)
"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, or expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God... it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain education that we come here to acquire and which we will make us more like our Father and Mother in Heaven."
-As quoted in "Tragedy or Destiny" Orson F. Whitney
"There are in the Gospel warm and cuddly doctrines, and then there are some that are just outright wintry doctrines. These doctrines are true, but we avert our gaze from them, because we don't wish to contemplate them. One of them, frankly, is that we cannot approach consecration without passing through appropriate clinical experiences because we don't achieve consecration in the abstract. Sometimes the Lord hastens His work in our spiritual development by a compression of experiences... Sometimes the best people... have the worst experiences... because they are the most ready to learn."
-Neal A. Maxwell
I've had handfuls of experiences throughout the years that some of them did break me down. I was abused for two years. I was into drugs and drinking. I was pregnant and abandoned. I placed my baby for adoption. 6 months later my best friend passed away. I am now preparing to get married as everyone tries to break it apart or give me reasons why I shouldn't get married.
Because of these experiences, I have been made strong. I believe because of all of them I am ready to get married. I know what it's like to be treated poorly. I know what it's like to not have a child. I know what it's like to be abandoned by someone who you thought truly loved you. To lose a loved one to death.
I was talking to Jessica's mom today and I told her that I have just learned so much from her and everything that she has gone through to deal with losing her daughter. I admire her strength. I told her that I know Jessica would want me to be happy and I strive to be happy for her.
Jessica's mom made this video of Jessica's funeral.
I've also had problems finding a dental assisting job. It's hard because I did go to school. I did all of my training. Nothing has paid off for me. But I'm not giving up. I'm waiting until after I'm married to look again. I have been promoted to an assistant manager at the Dubs. At least, it's a job.
I have been mostly stressed out for this wedding because of money. I have been afraid that I won't be able to pay any bills or we won't have furniture for our future apartment. We were hoping to have a nice honeymoon. We wanted Florida. Then we had to settle for California. But now, we don't even think we can go to California. So we'll probably just have our honeymoon in Park City. But I was okay with that because Tayler called me to tell me some stuff and that his grandparents had paid off his credit card debt and that they're giving us some money for us to start off. I broke down into TEARS after he told me. He thought I was disappointed that we couldn't have a nice honeymoon (we were hoping they'd have a timeshare or something). But I couldn't careless if we had this spectacular honeymoon somewhere by the beach. It doesn't matter to me as long as I have him with me for the rest of my life.
I truly have been blessed. It's just been this barrier blocking my view and took it all for granted. My parents have helped me out so much for my wedding and I love them to death and thank them for their support and same with my family.
I guess, I'm just ready to be married and get all of this over with. :P
In two weeks, I'm getting my bridals done. YES. I'm SO excited.
We are about to print our wedding announcements (I probably won't get them until next week or so). My bridal shower is in three weeks. Send me your address in an e-mail if you'd like to attend (to friends and family. haha. i'm not about to send it to you if you're a stranger... sorry.). Well, I need to go to bed. I open the store tomorrow.
In a month and 3 weeks, I'll be a MARRIED woman :)
We will be living in Utah after we're married. And we'll be at the adoption conference next year ;) I'll be sure to get myself on a panel or something. That's if you want me!
The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember that it's only in the black of night, that you see the stars and those stars lead you back home.