Friday, July 31, 2009


Today was the first day of the conference. There are classes all day. I was able to meet Rick&Liz who read my blog. I was able to meet V&D's caseworker. I was able to see some friends I haven't seen in a few years such as Tamra Hyde (she has a video on youtube called "Adoption and Abortion.") and Stephanie, who was my dawnstar walker in the wilderness program in Arizona.
The first class we went to was United by Love and Tamra actually spoke in that class. Just uniting together as birth parents and being advocates for adoption.
Less than 1% of girls choose adoption. We're the minority. If more girls knew that there are more choices besides keeping or abortion. There would be a lot more babies being placed for adoption and being made known.
There were a few scripture references- Matthew 10:37, 39
The Lord honors sacrifice.
Matthew 10:19, 29

I'm just kind of going off the notes that I have.

Birthmothers are able to relate to the story of Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac. Abraham and his wife prayed for a child and then had Isaac and then was asked by the Lord to sacrifice him. What do you do in that situation but follow the Lord?
Another biblical story would be Moses' mom. Ha, Tamra made a joke she said, "She put Moses in a basket and sent him down the river. That's the most closed adoption you'll ever GET!"

A lady made a comment and she said, that the Savior was adopted. Joseph was his father.
And we're adopted into the house of Israel.

Then we got on the topic how people don't associate the sin of how you got pregnant when you tell people that you're placing for adoption.
That adoption and sin is totally separate.

Birth mothers who place are the MOST stable people and make the best mothers because they are able to put their child first in the situation.

Tamra told a story about a girl who had a baby from rape. It was so hard for to go to groups. Tamra asked the girl to give her a ride home and they sat in her driveway for hours just talking and the girl said, "I never thought about the happiness that I can give someone."
She knew she didn't want to abort and didn't really want anything to do with the baby because of the rape. So with the adoption she didn't want to know anything about the baby. But she opened up to the idea of being okay with it and being at peace.

Being a birth mom is a chance to tell our story. About the atonement.
There are thoughts about how your life is over and that it's the end, but placement and adoption is just the beginning of life.
Because you have been given much you too must give.

There is no interest in moving on or getting over the adoption or the placement. If you are being blessed throughout your life because of it then why would you change that?
The Lord will put the words in your mouth and what you want to say.

Satan hates adoption and wants to confuse us.
Tamra told a story about a girl who knew she was going to place. And then the day before placement, Tamra went to see the girl. Tamra felt something awful. The girl was saying that she was going to keep and that the couple was just using her for her baby. Tamra called her bishop and let him know that she needed a blessing. He came and gave her a blessing. And Tamra walked back in and felt the peace.
Lord gives us sweetness and peace but Satan will try to take that away.

The Lord will put you through the fire but to solidify you.
There is no randomness or coincidence.
Satan will try to disrupt the happiness that we're entitled to and what we deserve.
Either you can use this experience as a stumbling block or as a stepping stone.

The next class was What we wish our adoptive couple knew. Tamra was also in that one. It was just a panel of two birth moms.
I figure I'll post this if there are any adoptive couple that would know how to involve the birth mother or how they want to be involved.
Talk and plan ahead and prepare about the openess. COMMUNICATE.
Learn that adoption is a process.
Learn how to be open to be taught by the spirit not that you know everything.
It's not a duty or an obligation to be there for the birth mother but a blessing.
What's more than a family but a blessing?
Love and trust your birth mother when she's trusting and loving you.
There can be a sense of entitlement on both sides of the situation. The birth mom can say that it's her baby but the adoptive couple can turn aroun and say it's theirs now but really, children don't belong to us. They belong to the Lord.
When expectations aren't met there is disappointment.
You need to be constinent with everything and not be fake about who you are. Don't pretend you're so open adoption and then not be at all.

"She's trusting you with her child, why can't you trust her with your phone number?"

The next class was kind of a disappointment. It was a birth father panel. It was said online that there were 4 birthfathers coming to talk. We were told that 3 out of the 4 birthfathers bailed on the panel. I said, "Go figure!"
But I guess the guy who was teaching the class decided to do one birthfather and his families side. I was REALLY bitter about it.
Earlier in my pregnancy I was planning on keeping. When I told N that he said that if I did that he would fight for full custody.
It hurt me and messed me up on so many levels. I really felt that I wasn't a good enough mom because he told me that.

This birthfather, I guess the girl he got pregnant decided to keep, but he was for placing in the beginning. The girl did keep and now that birthfather is fighting for full custody because the girl is making some mistakes in her life.
It brought up SO many emotions and I was just so upset. Because his parents were totally okay with it. It bothered me because the parents were holding the birthfathers kid the WHOLE time. They said that they thought this guy could do a much better job than the girl. I'm thinking, "No, YOU would do a much better job since you're the one holding her!"
Really, it's more the birth grandparents doing more, which I think is so wrong. I was VERY bitter in the end. I just broke down in tears because I was feeling so overwhelmed with those same feelings when Nic told me he would fight for full custody. And then made me think that his parents wouldn't do anything about it and probably agreed with him. Because if you guys don't know, I'm an unstable, unfit mother.

I liked the other lady that spoke. She was an adoptive mom. She read a letter from the birth father that placed his daughter with her.
He said, "January 27th probably doesn't mean anything to anyone. But January 27th is the day my daughter was born. The day that means everything to me."
I guess he didn't make it in time for his daughter to be born. But saw him after and then he and the girl he got pregnant decided to raise the baby and get married. The day she was to be discharged she called him. He was worried that there was something wrong with the baby. But the girl had decided that placement was what she needed to do. So they did.
That girl is now 21 years old. The adoptive mom's daughter decided after she was 18 to contact her birthparents. She found them through the internet somehow. Her birthmom first called her then a few days later her birthfather called. He has seen her since then. It was AMAZING.
She had pictures from the day she was born with her birthfather. Then with her adoptive parents and her and the picture is blurry. The day she met her birthfather, they had a picture of them hugging and the picture was kind of blurry. She liked that they were blurry because even though pictures are usually still. But on the inside, your emotions are just so blurry and mixed. It was an awesome day for them. I CRIED. It gave me hope to know that even though N isn't involved right now or after she's born. But if later in life they do meet and how much he loves his own kids in the future but will also feel that love for her.

I was able to talk to the lady after. She gave me a tissue. Ha. It was really nice. But my emotions were still high. And I went to the next class which was Husbands of Birthmothers.
During that class, the guy who I'm going out with tomorrow night texted me and he asked me how I was. I told him I was on an emotional rollercoaster. He asked why. I just told him that I was at the adoption conference and that there was a lot to take in. And he said to me, If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you.

Um, what? It made me cry even MORE.

But anyway, this panel was really good.

They had four guys.
1 guy had been adopted before.
2 guy didn't really talk much. ha.
3 guy had just gotten married 2 months ago so a lot of things were fresh from the dating life.
4 guy had a divorce and dealt with remarrying to a birthmom.

3 guy talked a lot but it helped because he said he had questions about the birthfathers involvement.
He didn't really understand why she wouldn't have changed what happened to her. He felt like she wasn't sorry for her mistakes and was afraid she hadn't changed. But after getting to know her it made him realize that's just apart of who she was.

He was worried about her intimate past with the other guy and sharing that moment with some other guy. He didn't want to have to fill in someone's else shoes. He wanted his own relationship developed and not have to be better than the other guy. He was worried that he'd be 2nd best.
But the girl he married has always put him first and the adoption second.

They were giving advice in the end and the guy said, what you've been through you'll be with an amazing person.

For other guys they just need to love her, listen to her, be patient and supportive and have an open communication. Sometimes mothers day isn't always happy.
There is a permanent feeling there with adoption.
There will always be a struggling reminder if she did the right thing.

With adoption, it has been a postive experience and relationship between them.

4 guy gave advivce that said that all you need is hope. And to work on things and never give up on hope.

The 2 guy said don't settle for less, you're worth it.
Don't lower yourself for what you've been through or what you've gone through.
It will pass.

The 1 guy said if the guy doesn't get the adoption or isn't supportive, he isn't worth it. You'll find someone who is supportive and is worth it.

The last class of the day was Step-by-Step through pregnancy and placement.
I missed the first half. I went to a class that was what adoptive children want from their birthparents. But there was only one girl that was an adoptive child and didn't talk so I left. I'm much closer to placement day.

The girl who spoke first talked about her pregnancy and placement experience. Since she was able to bond with the adoptive parents and be okay with adoption that she had a happy pregnancy.
She said something that made me think about things. She was looking back on her first emails to her couple and asked, "How will you teach responsibility?" Because really, with birthmoms, you learn responsibility the hardest way possible. How will they know? We don't want them to have to go through that.
Also, if our child got mad at us later in life and didn't want to communicate with their birth mom anymore, you have to learn to be okay with that. You can't fight back. And also, learn your own boundaries. But no birthmom wants to try to be a mom.

The girl ended with saying, I can do difficult things. I'm a stronger person. I've found out who I am. I make the best of a rough situation and prepare for the future.

I've felt the spirit a lot of the day and know that I'll be at peace. I know placement and all this will be hard. But I know, I'll be okay. :)

That's all I have to say. We have 3 more classes tomorrow. But I'll be so antsy to just go on my date already! Ha!

Gotta go!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Good NEWS.

I'm SO tired but I thought I would make a post. I'll be gone most of the weekend in Layton for a Families Supporting Adoption Conference. I'm pretty stoked. Me and two girls will be getting a hotel room and it'll be fun to just RELAX. Oh man, how much I've missed relaxing since Virginia. I honestly came home to so much drama. I wanted to puke my guts out. Then I thought I'd have less hours at work but I came back to 30 hour weeks.

Well, I talked to N. Dun dun dun.

I asked him to help me out with something for the FSA conference and he's willing. And he's willing to meet D and V when they come out here in a few weeks for V's sister's wedding. We're talking tomorrow, probably just for a little bit because Layton is an hour and a half away. And I'm carpooling and we're planning to leave around 1. But I have to stop by his house.
I'm just kind of happy that he's actually being willing to help. So, I can't be mad at him. I just don't want him to do it if he's just being nice. But maybe he's being legit and really wants to try to be there. And now that I'm giving him suggestions what he can do, he's pretty cool with it.
I told him I decided he can be in the room, so I hope he doesn't make me regret my decision. :) ha. I know, threats aren't good. I just hope he knows that it's a privelege to be in the room, not a right.

I had my doctors appointment today. It was good. Ha.
I was waiting to go see the doctor and the receptionist said to me, "So how do you like The Bachelorette?" I said, "I don't know. I've never watched it." She was definitely on the phone with someone... I still felt like we bonded.
I'm measuring normal. I'm 164 pounds. Ew.
When the medical assistant was looking for the heartbeat you could hear mine and Olivia's at the same time. It was intense. Her heartbeat was 135 BPM.

Today at group was about bringing out your inner diva. I think I have that checked off my check list. I am a diva. Bring it.
After group, I locked my keys in my car. How embarrassing. Luckily, we were in the D.I. parking lot and this guy mysteriously knew how to break into cars. Ha. I felt like I should pay him. But I figure he'll be paid with blessings :)

Oh, so me and my friend went to Walmart after group to get snacks... I ran into N and then later I saw him with a girl... yep.
But, I decided not to care.

Because, I'm going on a date on Saturday.

RuthAnn already approves. :)

I hope he doesn't read this and think I'm a freak. I've honestly been on one date since I've been pregnant. I don't go out much. Probably just with friends to the movies. I don't go out much because I feel weird going out with guys. I don't feel weird going out with him because I know him.
He just got home from his mission a month ago.
He went to Brazil. It was cool because my dad went to Brazil, the Rio De Janeiro mission. That mission doesn't exist anymore. But the one this guy served was the North Rio mission which used to be just the Rio De Janeiro mission. He was pretty excited when he found out about my dad.
We knew each other before his mission, I actually dated one of his friends. Ha. Weird, I know.
But I'm excited. We're planning on going out to eat, maybe play Kingsburg with my fambam so he can talk to my dad, then go out to Salt Lake and walk around temple square. It'd just be fun and talk and catch up. Plus, there aren't any good movies out anyway.
P.S. He is aware of my situation and he doesn't care. :)

Well, I hope I come back to post with LOTS of pictures from the FSA conference and from my date. EEEEK.
OH! And on Sunday, my friend Michelle will be doing some maternity pictures for me. She got really excited from my last ones because I didn't care I was half naked. She just wants to undress me. HA. False.

I need my rest. Goodnight!

Monday, July 27, 2009

32 Weeks

My friend edited this photo of me. I love it LOTS. :) ^^






Meh, I decided to have my own little photo sesh.
I was bored. Really.

Sorry that I'm in my bra in some of them. It's better than being topless ;)

Friday, July 24, 2009


31 weeks and my friend's dog named Abby. She's probably my favorite dog ever.

This is kind of intense. I don't normally do these. I'm 23 weeks pregnant here.

31 WEEKS BABBBBY!! That line is not a stretch mark P.S. it's from my shirt.

Yes, I'm 32 weeks today. But, I haven't posted any 31 week pictures.

A friend of mine had her baby a few days ago. I can't say her name because it's confidential. :)
But, it was a really neat experience. I went and saw her at the hospital maybe 2 hours after she delivered. Just being around her was so peaceful. She was just really content with everything. She is placing for adoption. And it was so neat. I got to meet her couple who are the sweetest people in the world. I really look up to her. I honestly, almost got emotional when I found out she delivered. It has been so incredible to see her, she's a trooper.

It makes me SO excited, even though I have 2 more months. I just want to start planning everything now. That's probably why I'm kind of laying down the law with a certain person. This is how I see it. He can believe he has the rights to see her because he helped make her. But really, he got the easy, fun part. If you know what I mean. Ha. Then I get the 10 months of sickness, weight gain, fatigue. Not to mention, I get to go through the pain of labor and delivery. He then gets to have the fun of holding her and loving her. Yeah, no. If I have to work for it. He has to as well. He may not be physically or emotionally attached to her right now. He can at the least support me or help me when I ask him for it. He doesn't really know how to be involved so, guys who are dads or soon-to-be dads, you can leave me some comments about what you think I should tell him or how he can help be a support. I have no idea. He feels like it's all for me but Olivia is not her own person. So yes, it's mostly just emotional support. I'm not asking for financial or physical support. More just having the idea of if he supports me, than he supports her. It's more of a state of mind type of thing. That I know if he cares about me, he cares about her. But I'm not saying care as in, he HAS to love me, he HAS to be with me, it's just a genuine care for the person carrying his baby.

I know a lot of people are telling me all the time not to give him the time of day. Not to be harsh, but this is what I have to say. 1. He isn't my husband. He's not going to be there for me everyday after she's born. I don't get to come home to him every night and know he'll be there to support. Because he isn't there, we're not getting married, we don't live together. I don't know everyday that he would really want to be there for Olivia. 2. You probably have never been pregnant or had that emotional connection with someone to understand why I would want him to be there. Even though that there has been so much drama and hurt, it doesn't take away that Olivia is part him. You are reminded of that when you take your first at home pregnancy test that you didn't make this baby by yourself. You are reminded when you hear her heartbeat for the first time and he's not there to listen. You are reminded when you're throwing up and cursing that he's the reason why you are. You are reminded when he's with you at the first ultrasound and smiling at her. You are reminded when you feel her kick and know that he's never felt that.
Ew, I'm getting emotional writing all of that.

Anyway, I'm trying to be excited. I think when Dustinn and Val come out here for Val's sisters wedding, I want them to meet him. Because he would've had to wait until at the hospital. Surprise, these are the parents of your child! That would probably be a bitter moment for him if he meet them after she was born. I don't know, actually. I don't know how he feels about all of it. We'll see what all happens. But I'm for real, guys, any guys really. Or if girls want to give their advice too. What specifically can I do or not do to help him come around? Trust me, I've been working on it for 8 months. I've been working on ignoring him. I've been working on writing letters to him about how I feel. I've been working on talking to him in person how I feel. I get nothing. So when I feel like I get nothing, I feel like he deserves nothing. I'm not a person to hold grudges so I wouldn't be able to do that. I've told him a simple conversation with me would help me out, if he texted me back, called me back, whatever. I understand that maybe in the beginning that he decided to stay away to make me realize that we were never getting back together. Got the hint, buddy. You can come around now for your daughter. Not for me.

It makes me excited for Olivia to be here to meet new people. Or for everyone to meet her. It'll be really cool. I kind of want to a baby shower/open house? after she's born so people who didn't get to meet her at the hospital can come or haven't met Dustinn and Val or me. Whatev. It'll be a BLAST. :) Oh the joy of little babies.

I'm dubbing my sister RuthAnn to be in charge of all the photos in the hospital. She has to capture every moment. She better not fail me. :) Oh man, is it almost September yet?!?!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

VA Picture Blog

#1- 3d/4d ultrasound :)

#2- L and I at the beach.

#3- Beach

#4- 3d/4d ultrasound

#5- Brigham Young

#6- The park

#7- Pregnant curves.

#8- The pool.

#9- B being studly.

#10- B being an A&F model.

#11- Olivia's closet :)

#12- I thought this was cute, bins of clothes for Olivia.

#13- Olivia's crib.

#14- V's favorite firework picture.

#15- My favorite heartshaped firework.

#16 the ceiling in the Rotunda.

#17- Foot in the sand.

#18- Flower in the gardens.

#19- Spider web.

#20- Jefferson Memorial

#21- Pedicures.

#21- L and I at the Jefferson Memorial.

#22- Jefferson Memorial again.

#23- Infront of Obama's crib.

#24- White house.

#25- It rained for a second.

#27- You can kind of see the Washington memorial in the background.

#28- V and I at the Lincoln Memorial.

#29- B and I

#30- B and I looking at Mr. Abe.

#31- For RuthAnn.

#32- Playing in the water.

#33- World War II memorial.

I numbered them so it would be easier to comment.
So, here's a story. I talked to N today. Well, I ran into him at his work. I was buying things for a friend and I was walking out and saw him sitting at McDonald's. I thought he was on break and I had on me a copy of the 3d/4d ultrasound so I gave it to him.
Uh, I don't think I should go into huge details about the conversation.
He doesn't understand why I'm mad at him all the time.
I just don't think it's fair that I have to go through the 10 months of pregnancy (40 weeks peeps, come on.) and then he gets to have the fun part after I'm all done going through all of that.
It's frustrating.
Then he doesn't know how to be involved because I don't really tell him how and that he thinks it's just for me and not for Olivia.
All I said is that she's not her own person yet to support her so he's just going to have to deal with me for a while. And it may not be financial support or physical support. More just emotional support. If I see him trying to make an effort to talk to me and see how I'm doing or how Olivia is doing. Or if I it's even just a simple conversation then I'll be okay to know that he's doing his best in supporting her. I don't think I'm asking for a whole bunch. I'm not asking him to marry me or to be Olivia's father. I'm not asking him to hand over thousands of dollars or asking him to buy me things all the time or to buy her things. It's more I'm asking him to at least appreciate the girl carrying his baby.


Monday, July 20, 2009

Here We Go Again.

Here We Go Again
Demi Lovato

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone that we are through
Cause I'm so much better without you
But it's just another pretty lie
Cause I break down
Everytime you come around

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Every time that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you're always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it's no use
Can't Be With Or Without You

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go go again

I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
Swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go
Here we go again
Here we go again

Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again

That's probably the song of the week for me.

I wish I could tell you all everything about my baby daddy drama but that's his personal life. Even though I may get no respect, I respect his life. Funny how that works out.
The most I can really tell you is that I'm not happy with him and I've given up on him. I'm sure I've probably said that a million times. But I've had enough. I'm tired. I'm 8 months pregnant. I should've learned in the beginning that I can't do anything to make him change. So I'm learning that now. I'm done making an effort if he's not going to do anything. I told him last night if he didn't talk to me then he wouldn't ever see his daughter. He can make the effort if his daughter is at all important to him.
Of course, he said nothing back.

This is what me and him need to talk about: the birth plan, the hospital, and the adoption plan.

This is my birth plan, hospital, adoption plan without involving him:
I'm probably not going to tell him when I'm in labor or when she's born.
If someone in my family thinks that's wrong they can go ahead and call him and try to get him to come because I'm not going to. I'm sure he won't go if I ask.
I'm sure if he did come I'll be in pain and angry at him for making me go through this.
I'm hoping he'll sign away his rights before she's born because I don't want him to be at the hospital at all. I don't want him to have the chance to see her.

-I know this is sounding really bitter and rude. I'm just asking he makes the effort to talk to me about a birth plan and adoption plan. Because all of that up there will change if he does something. I'm sure it's hard to have a simple conversation when you haven'ttalked to me at all in the past 8 months. It's the least he can do.

The only time I'll probably let him see her or let him know she's here is the last day they're in town.
If V&D come and visit then he can find out for himself.
I'm planning on changing my phone number after she's born, even though N doesn't ever try to get a hold of me. He doesn't deserve to know anything remotely close relating to his daughter.

-I was talking to a friend last night and I was telling her I was going to ask him to change his number too. It'll just be easier for us to move on then try to repair anything. If I could let go now, I would in a heartbeat. But I know for myself, I can't when I'm carrying his baby.

It hurts sometimes to realize that we used to be so close and be such really good friends. And to realize that we can't ever be friends again. I really think we should be civil and not end on a bad note because I will have an open relationship with Olivia and if she ever wants to meet her dad, I'm not going to tell her no. But again, it's up to him if he'd ever want to see her later in life. I hope he'll mature by then.
But with the song, "How did you get under my skin?" I ran into him at his work. I really was hoping I wouldn't. He came up and talked to me, I was also with one of my friends. If it was just myself then he probably wouldn't have. I was printing off pictures at the picture kiosk. Really our conversation was,

"What's up?"
"Nothing just trying to print off some pictures but it's taking a long time."
"Oh. Well have fun."

"Is it still taking a long time?"
"You have a lot of pictures."
"Yep, there's more."
"I believe it."


It just confuses me. He acts like a totally different person when I'm with other people. It's like he's trying to make a statement like, "Look, I'm not an ass like she says I am. I'm talking to her."
If I was by myself would you come talk to me? Probably not.
I've just heard too many things for me to believe that he could ever change and try to come around.
He does a lot of things just to "be nice" not because he wants to do them. I realize that he may not have to get pregnant and not have to tell anyone that he got a girl pregnant because he doesn't have to show it. Because if you haven't heard, ONLY GIRLS CAN GET THEMSELVES PREGNANT!
Isn't that so WEIRD?!!
I believe it.
When a guy doesn't take responsibility of making a child, he doesn't get the credit of having a child.

To end on a happy note,

Wednesday will be a pretty productive day.
I have a meeting with Loni in the morning.
I'm hanging out with Z.
I have a doctors appointment at 2. My 32 week appointment :)
Then I have group at 4:30-6.
Then Z is going to the hospital to have her babyyyyyy. YAY! I'm SO excited for her.

My parents are going out of town for their anniversary, a cruise to Alaska.
Of all places. PFFT.

Friday and Saturday is a FSA conference. I'm hoping I can get work off to go.

V&D are coming out here in a few weeks for V's sister's wedding!! :) I get to see them again before Olivia's born. I'm SO excited.

I'm SO disoriented. For some reason I thought this Wednesday was the 29th! And that's when my doctors appointment is. So, I'm doing everything else that I said I was doing on Wednesday minus the doctors appointment.
And the FSA conference isn't until NEXT weekend.
I figured this out after I went to my work to turn in a schedule request, we're supposed to do it every Saturday night and I forgot. But my boss had already made the schedule so I was like nooooo, there is no way they'll let me have Friday AND Saturday off. Then I looked and I'm safe.
Look at what stress does to me. I don't even know the days of the week.

I also finished the 2nd season of Gossip Girl last night. :) I'm SO excited for season 3 to start!

Quotes of the day:

She's backing off. That's what he wants. He's too afraid of
commitment. Too afraid to let somebody into his life. He doesn't
want to love anybody. To him, it's being weak. He doesn't want
to need someone. He wants to want someone. He should love because
he wants to. Not because he has to. But he can't. He's tried, and he can't.

Some people pass through your life and you never think about them again.
Some you think about and wonder what ever happened to them.
Some you wonder if they ever wonder what happened to you.
And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.

No, he doesn't always make me happy. There are times when I
really just want to punch him in the face, get up and walk away
because it seems so much easier. But that's not what true love is about.
It's about learning to forgive him for his mistakes, not holding grudges and
bringing up the past. It's about learning to love and admire him even more
for all the small imperfections, because not one person on this earth is perfect. It's
about discovering something new about each other every day, and falling in love
all over again every time you look into his eyes. It's about understanding
and working through problems, not just giving up when something goes
wrong. True love wasn't meant to be easy, but it's definitely worth it.

He ignores her every chance he gets. Unless they're alone,
she doesn't exist. He never returns her calls and never
keeps his promises. So why is she still waiting for him to love her?

One of these days you'll realize that I was the one for you.
How you threw it all away. And when that day comes, I'll smile
and tell you the same things you once told me: That you're my
friend, and that's all I want us to be. And maybe,
if you're lucky.. You'll open your eyes and see how those words
can never be comforting. And you'll never say them again.

It's amazing the things you realize when you lose someone:
You get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a
million times, you take for granted the days spent doing nothing
when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken,
at any time in our lives, but we always wait until they're
gone to say the things we never had the courage to before.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because you're mad, maybe it's
because you're afraid, maybe it's because you're also a little
confused, maybe it's because you want to act cool;
but whatever the reason, you're breaking my heart.

Sometimes you want something so bad that you're afraid
of the consequences are you really afraid of the
consequences? Or are you afraid of what you really want?

Remember all those times I swore I needed you? Well consider
them lies. Because baby, here I am. Without you and I survived.

I'm leaving you this message to let you know that nothing
has changed. You're still a disappointment. I'm leaving you
this message to let you know, I'm not surprised.

It's almost like you had it planned. It's like you took my
hand and said, "Hey, I'm about to screw you over big time."

Friday, July 17, 2009


Oh man, I've been having a feeling that I should write this post. But I haven't and then I've been inspired to.

Let's start off with, I've been bitter with a certain someone. I know he thinks I'm ALWAYS mad at him. But if you were in my situation then you can't help but think about him and what he did to make you this way and what he's not doing now to support you. It hurts. I know people tell me that I need to hear his side of the story. What if I've given him many opportunities to contact me and he hasn't even taken one? Even when I confront him about things and get lied straight to my face about it.
Just so you get an idea of my bitterness, I don't even know if I should give him the opportunity to see his daughter after she's born. That's how bitter I am. Sadly enough, I've asked everyone but one person- God.
I mean, I've felt great. I had a fantastic week in Virginia and wished it never had to end. Then I come home to the drama. I wish I could make you all understand how I feel. But I can't. My friend's post was just sort of an awakening to me. Ever since... Wednesday night at group, I've felt emotional pain thinking about him. And I pushed God away because I want to try to make things right on my own.
But guess what? God has been there for me since day one of this journey. He's not going to let me off the hook with this one. He knows I need His help and this is his way of showing it. Andee posted a few quotes which I will post that feel applicable to me in my situation.

This is advice given from Elder F. Enzio Busche from the Quorum of the Seventy at a BYU devotional in May of 1996.

"When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love towards God."

"In your life, there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take."

"God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us -- everything will fall into place."

"When you cannot love someone, look into that persons eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him."

"If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again."

"Avoid at all costs any pessimistic, negative or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm."

"The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it."

"When you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better."

If you want to read or watch more you can go to Youtube and type in: Advice from Elder Busche

My group on Wednesday at LDS family services was about Grief. I had no idea what it was about before I came in. And as soon as I found out I knew I would be crying. Of course, I did. I got to crying right in the beginning.
Just from this song. I thought this was funny the same friend that posted the quotes made this video of her placement and we played it in group. Just listen to the words. I just listened to it a second time and cried even harder.

I have put up a post before about a session I had with Loni about the stages of grief.
But mostly I was grieving over the thoughts of N and how he hasn't been involved. Now that some things have happened and realized that I don't need him in my life or in Olivia's life I can move on.

Here is a list of appropriate grief expectation you can have for yourself during grief:

  • Your grief will take longer than most people think (minimum 1 year).
  • Your grief will take more energy than you would have ever imagined.
  • Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your life: psychological, social, physical, spiritual.
  • You will grieve for many things both tangible and symbolic, not just the placement alone.
  • Your grief will depend on how you perceive the loss.
  • You will grieve for what you have lost already and for what you have lost for the future.
  • Your grief will entail mourning, not only for the actual person, but for hopes, dreams, and unfulfilled expectations you held for and with that person.
  • Your grief will involved a wide variety of feelings and reactions, not solely those that are generally thought of as grief (i.e. depression, anger, sadness, etc.).
  • The loss will ressurect old issues, feelings, and unresolved conflicts from the past.
  • You may have some indentity confusion as a result of this major loss.
  • You may experience reactions that may be quite different for you.
  • You may have a combination of anger and depression, such as irritability, frustration, annoyance, and interolance.
  • You may feel anger and guilt, or at least some manifestations of these emotions.
  • You may experience sudden grief episodes that occur without warning.
  • You may have trouble thinking or making decisions.
  • You may feel like you're going crazy.
  • You may become obsessed or preoccupied with the adoption.
  • You maybe being to sense an increase in your spirituality, religion, or philosophy of life.
  • You may find yourself acting differently in your social interactions.
  • You may experience a number of physical reactions.
  • Certain dates, events, or stimuli may bring upsurges of grief.
  • Experiences later in life may ressurect grief reactions for you temporarily.
The feelings I hate to admit is that I've been hurt. I don't want to admit that. But I know that there will be a lot more hurt in my life but I need to prepare for it and with God I can be comforted and know that everything will be okay.
I also hate to admit being scared. I am so excited for Olivia to enter the world. But at the same time I'm so scared for her.
In group, there were some adoptive moms there with their birth moms and they were saying that they felt some post partum depression because they feel like they have to cater to the birth moms needs and feel like they're doing a good enough job for you. Sometimes they feel like it's not enough. I hope V doesn't feel that way and she has to be this awesome, fantastic mom that I can't be. I just want her to love Olivia with everything she has and I'll be satisifed. And I already know that she does.
With that out of the way, I'm scared of Olivia coming into, what I feel, a scary, awful world. I've had my trials that have hurt me and caused me pain. But I know that they've made me a stronger person. But when you're going through a trial, all you feel clouded with is pain. You feel surrounded by thoughts of judgement from others. I know that Satan is trying to influence me to make me believe that everyone is against me. I know it's not true. But I've been so distant to God, I feel, that I do feel that way at times. I just know I have to take a few steps back and look at my situation and realize I have an awesome support system and I'm doing the best I can. And that's all the Lord asks for. Even if I stumble, He'll always be there.

With the list of grief I thought I would add the list of Taking Care of Yourself while during grief and what rituals you can do to remember our loved ones in loving, healing ways and with a sense of peace. You don't need to "hold on" to the pain in order to remember the person.

Taking Care of Yourself

  • Eat well-balanced meals
  • Try to get adequate rest- try going to bed earlier and sleeping a little later.
  • Try taking slow deep breaths in through your nose, exhaling through your mouth.
  • Exercise on a regular basis.
  • Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine.
  • Avoid making big decisions- let things stay the same for a while.
  • Avoid taking on additional commitmnets, large or small or a while.
  • Make a list of things that you used to enjoy and do one thing daily- even if it is small.
  • Keep a journal- it helps you gauge your progress over time.
  • Keep track of your dreams- they may help you understand what is going on inside.
  • Engage in a creative activity.
  • Try reading a book on grief, it may help you understand what you are experiencing.
  • If Sundays, holidays, or other dates are difficult, schedule comforting activities.
  • Express your feelings to someone you trust. All feelings are okay.
  • Invite other living things into your life, a new plant, a pet, etc.
  • Take time to be by yourself, but don't spend all your time alone.
  • Avoid napping during hte day, it can offset your sleep at night.
  • Take a warm bath.
  • Engage in relaxing activities.
Grief Rituals

  • Buy a very special candle and light it at times that are special to your loved one's memory (i.e. birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc.)
  • Write a special note, tie it to balloons and let them go.
  • Help feed the hungry/homeless at Thanksgiving, or other holidays.
  • Create a scrapbook of memories/photos.... a memory book.
  • Donate gifts, quilts, etc. in your loved one's name.
  • Plant a strong healthy tree or rosebush in your loved one's name.
  • Find a tree in the canyons or woods, tie a yellow ribbon around it, go frequently to remember (this is especially helpful when ashes have been scattered and there is no gravesite.)
  • Let balloons go, along with a prayer or special wish, to your loved one.
  • Offer a scholarship in the loved one's name.
  • On birthday's, holiday's, anniversaries, etc., buy your loved one a gift and donate it to a hospital, nursing home, or charity of your choice.
  • For Christmas, hnag up a stocking for your loved one and let everyone write a special note to put inside.
  • Buy a Christmas ornament each year to remember your loved one.
  • If you go on a trip at a special anniversary time, do something special to remember your loved one on the trip (toss a rose in the ocean, light a candle, etc.)
  • Have a wedding ring made into a new setting for a necklace.
  • Have a birthday party for your loved one on his/her birthday.
  • Have a family "memory" evening where you share photos, memories, reminisce about special times, and create a scrapbook of this occasion.
I know right now that I'm not the only one going through grief or a trial. But just remember you're not alone. You can't do it on your own. I've been selfish about it and thinking I could but I can't. God or your support system, such as friends or family, can help you through your tough time. Don't let that go. :)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I'm home now from my wonderful week in Virginia.
P.S. you all stink at leaving comments, how dare you not leave me comments on my last post? Whatev. I expect about 50 for this one because there are going to be a MILLION pictures.
Even the people who are afraid to comment on my blog. GO FOR IT.
No hata's (that's gangster for: haters) please!

So, I'll start from where I left off.
Friday, after we watched Stick It- B was still sleeping- we put in The Notebook. V's favorite movie.
Then after that we went to Olive Garden and L brought a friend with her.
After that we went to the monuments.
There was an emotional time in the car because it had been on my mind. I needed to talk to them about the birth plan but I didn't exactly know how to say it or what to say. L and her friend were in another car and it was me, D, V, and B in the other. And we talked and I asked D to cut the cord. Then I told V she could hold Olivia first. And I just started crying after I told her that. She was just like, "You don't need to do that. You'd want to hold her first." And I told her, "She's yours. You can." Ha. I'm almost about to cry now just thinking about it.
I figure the doctor will probably put her in my arms first. But I think it'd just be cool to have them see and hold their daughter first. It'll all just be amazing though to even see her and hold her.
Then we came home late and put Bradshaw to bed and played Kingsburg.

Saturday, me, D, and V went to the holocaust museum. L stayed home and watched B while we were gone. We went back and watched Push. I was starting to fall asleep and V needed to go print off more pictures for the scrapbook at Wal*Mart so I went with her and we got to talk and bond. :) ha.
I'm trying to think of what we did after that. Horrible memory :(
I remember now. We went to Kings Street and walked down and looked at all the shops. There was a clothing store for babies but it was closed. But it had such cute things in the window. We ate at 5 guys, burgers, and fries. Ha. They're definitely the Dubs comp out here. But I tried it. I still think JCW's is better. :)
Then we watched some fireworks. It was funny. It was super crowded and the spot we chose was kind of lame. Because we couldn't see the fireworks. There were trees in front of it so we ended up moving just a little bit over. I got some pretty cool pictures of that.

Sunday, we went to church. Then after B took his nap we played Kingsburg and then we went to the Jefferson Memorial, which is D's favorite.
V and I also saw the White house.
I don't think we played Kingsburg that night.

Monday, V, L, B, and I went swimming at the pool. It was fun and relaxing. No sunburns. Which is a surprise if you saw my delicate fair skin in person.
We went back and let B take a nap. V and I worked on the scrapbook and watched, He's Just Not That Into You and then watched Confessions of a Shopaholic.
Then we waited until D got home and we ate dinner and went out to Rita's. They have custard ice cream. It was very rich. Super good. It was almost fluffy like frosting or something.
I enjoyed it. I wish there was one out here.

I'm trying to remember, I think we were on our way to the white house/Jefferson memorial and V's idea was to make wishes for Olivia.
It was just really random ones. I wished for her to have blonde, naturally curly hair. V wished for her to have blue eyes, which she will because N and I both have blue eyes.
Hahaha. I remember L wished she had an interest in music and V says, BORING! And D says, I wish for her to be happy. And L yells, AND MINE WAS BORING?! ha. I loved it.
We wished for lots of things for her to be athletic and for B and her to be the best of friends.

They also grilled me with 20 questions the day we went out for the picnic and the decapitated bird died on me. I guess it's a family tradition. But I don't mind. I kind of like to fill out questionnaries and things but it was interesting to do it in person.

Monday night, we sat down and just talked. I texted Loni to ask her what I needed to ask D and V and she told me she would call me. So she did. And she told me what I needed to tell them or ask them.
Most of it was pretty much already done. I was trying to figure out when they were coming out here. V and B are coming out here on the 17th and D will be flying in between the 17-21 or something like that.
I think we watched Juno on Sunday and in the scene when Juno's water breaks and yells, "Thundercats are GO!" That is our code when I'm in labor.
Placement will be at the hospital. They have to say 7-10 days after she's born, The ICPC? Ha. I totally just looked it up. It's the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children. I'm not exactly sure what all of that means or what it includes in that magical package but I just know they have to stay in Utah for a week.
I just think placement would be a lot harder on me if I waited to do it like the day before they left for Virginia because I'd have a week with her of being "her mom." When V is really her mom. So, yeah.

Then today, V and I finished up the scrapbook. I took it home with me to put it in a bigger binder and add on a few pages and to buy stickers and crafty things.
Afterwards, we tried to fit in sometime to go swimming. My flight departed at 5:30. We went swimming at 3 and then left at 3:30 and I had to shower really quick. I was done around 4 and got to the airport around 4:30.
V and D walked me to the security line and said goodbye. I really didn't want to go. It was so much fun. :)
After I saw them walking away, I almost started crying. But I didn't. I tried not to anyway because I was more focused on buying snacks and trying to hurry and get on my flight.

I watched Gossip Girl on the way. I still have a few more episodes left to watch. But it was pretty insane. I almost cried.
I'll kind of try to tell you.
Serena (is pretty much the main girl) and Dan (her on and off again boyfriend)- their parents (Serena's mom, Lily and Dan's dad, Rufus) had a fling like in high school or whatever. Lily was married Bart Bass (pretty much the richest guy of Manhattan) and Bart had a private investigator trying to cover up a ton of stuff in their lives. I guess, Lily went to a hospital when she was about 19 years old. And Bart's investigator found out why she was really there. After Bart found out I guess he was on his way to talk to Lily about it and got in a car accident and died. I know, brutal.
His son Chuck, found out about it and blamed Lily and Rufus for the death of his father. Lily's mom has hated Rufus because of what happened to Lily at 19 but he had no idea. I guess Rufus and Lily were planning on going on a trip and when he showed up to pick her up or something he said to her, "All I want to know is if it's a boy or a girl."

I'm thinking WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! At first I thought Lily was pregnant with Bart's baby. Then at the same time I thought she was pregnant with Rufus' baby because I think they hooked up before her and Bart got married.
But then I remembered it had to do with why she was at the hospital when she was 19.

Lily had a baby at 19 years old and placed it for a closed adoption and never told Rufus and had her and her mom hide it from him. How horrible is that? Now her son that she placed is 19 years old. I just was thinking how crazy it was. I could NEVER hide this from N. I wouldn't have the heart to do it. I think it would kill me inside to even think about it. But Rufus freaked out because, well, he has had 2 other kids so he's like, I had a son and didn't even know about. I've had a son for 19 years! Whoa. Yeah.
But what Lily said made me almost cry on the plane. She was just like, I was so young and couldn't take care of a baby. And he said he understood why she did it. Then she said, But you need to understand that as much as it's hurting you now that you didn't know. That you don't realize how much of a hole it's left me, wondering about him everyday if he was happy if it was the right thing to do.

They end up going to the adoption agency and since it was a closed adoption. Their son would have to put his name out there saying he was searching but he wasn't. And so the agency contacted the adoptive couple and they said they didn't want to meet with them. But the adoptive dad called Rufus later and said he would meet with them but didn't want his wife to know.
So they met for dinner and the adoptive dad told them that a year ago their son died in some sort of accident. He had drown or something. And that's why the adoptive mom didn't want to meet with them because it was so hard on her.
But later on after Lily and Rufus leave, the adoptive mom comes up and says, did they believe it? They even gave them a newspaper clipping. And the adoptive dad said that Lily and Rufus had money and could take him away and they had already lost one son and could lose another.

I have a feeling that sometime later on in this season that they'll find out about it. Ugh. That makes me SO mad. All they kept saying was that they just wanted to talk to him and see him. They weren't there to take him away. I mean, he's had his whole life. It wasn't like they could just take them and try to keep raising them as their parents. It frustrates me that the couple would keep the birth mom/parents from seeing their own baby... well... he's not really a baby anymore. But still, he's still their kid. I just don't understand how couples could be so ungrateful about that birth mom sacrificing her own flesh and blood for another family as much as she loves and wants her baby, she is doing something that she knows that will let him have a better life. They could atleast give her that much of seeing/talking to her son when she went through the emotional and physical pain that bringing a child into the world does to a mother.

Boo. But it just made me think about N and if years from now he'd do the same thing and try to find Olivia... well, he wouldn't try very hard to find her because it's an open adoption. But try to find her and get to know her after he's had his own kids. Because to me, it would be frustrating to be like, I had a daughter I never knew. The adoption will be very open. Atleast, I hope it will be. I'll probably try to visit atleast once in the summer and then for her birthday. I know I would fly out there when they'd have her baby blessing and her baptism. I just don't know if it'll keep getting harder every year, whenever I get married and start my own family, we might have to be neighbors or something. Ha.

There was another thing that kind of made me think on the trip. When V and I were working on the scrapbook. B was awake (we tried to do it during his naptime) and he saw and pointed at N's picture and yelled, "Daddy!" I thought it was cute that he did that. But it made me think about other things. That N will probably never hear his daughter say that. I honestly don't know how open he wants his end of the adoption to be. It also just made me sad to think about having her, how much of all of this going on would be different if different things happened. Like if N and I did get married. It would bring joy to me to hear her call N, daddy and me, mommy. I know that D will be a good dad to Olivia so I'm happy about it. He's a good guy. And V will be an awesome mom :) So I'm not too worried. There are just days that you will have to think about the future when you don't want to because you're afraid of it. But sometimes you have to face your fears.

Oh well, talk to you all later. Goodnight.

I'll do a whole picture blog tomorrow because it's midnight. It's like 2 AM in Virginia. I've been on and off about Utah and Virginia time. I'll get used to it soon. But here are some pictures.
Jasper has gotten HUGE. I was so surprised! But still super vicious. Daaaaang it.

29 weeks along.

30 weeks along. :) I bought that shirt at the DC airport. I'm such a tourist.

Friday, July 10, 2009


Oh hey.
I'm in Virginia right now.
I thought I would update. There won't be a lot of pictures because I didn't bring my USB.

I got on the plane Tuesday morning and then arrived in Virginia around 4:30 PM. D, V, and B met me at the airport. Then V's sister L picked us up in the car and we went to their apartment.
I started teaching them how to play Kingsburg and Bradshaw got really fussy so we went on a walk to a pond close by their house and threw rocks in the river and such.
Then we came home and ate dinner and put B to bed and finished Kingsburg.

Then Wednesday was my sister's 23 birthday. :)
Let's see. I woke up late and let B take a nap and we watched 2 movies and did some scrapbooking while he was napping.
D came home and we went on a picnic by the river and watched planes take off. It was funny. We were eating and we heard this loud chirping noise and thought it was a baby bird. It totally landed on my leg! And I yell, "DID A BIRD REALLY JUST LAND ON MY LEG?!" It wasn't a bird... it was some nasty bug. Ew.
Then we went back home and put Bradshaw to sleep and played more Kingsburg and watched Baby Mama :)

On Thursday, We woke up early because we had a tour of the capitol. It was at 10:40. When we got there we were informed that there was a mysterious package found in the capitol so they had shut down all the tours. I guess this package thing was sort of a distraction to let a group of AIDS activists in the Rotunda and do a protest. I guess they were all dressed in white and chained up around it. Ha. All of them, all 26 of them, got arrested. We ended up having to go at a later time.

So while we were waiting to go on the tour we went to the Gardens across the street. Then we went to Potbelly's for lunch. I enjoyed the tour it was super cool.
Then afterwards we drove to Annapolis, Maryland to do a 3D/4D ultrasound. It was SO cool. I found out that Olivia is still a girl :) Ha. I've been having dreams that she's a boy and it scared me.
We also found out that she's breech. It makes sense to me now. It's just one of her legs that were up by her face. So I could feel her kicking on my right side by my ribs and then on the lower left side. It's interesting.
Her eyes were wide open in the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was really excited about it. She's like, "Babies eyes are never that open during the ultrasound!"
She's yawning!
She's so beautiful :)

This is her with her foot in her mouth.

We did eat some Frosty's before the ultrasound and all the walking and then resting must've woken her up.

Then later we went to the beach in Maryland. It was awesome :)
I haven't been to the beach since I was like 10 years old. I love the beach! I really want to live by the beach sometime in my life.
We ordered some pizza and then we put B to bed and played more Kingsburg.

Today me, V, and L got a pedicure. Right now we're watching Stick It and about to do some more scrapbooking things.
Tonight we're going to Olive Garden to celebrate that I have 10 more weeks. I'm 30 weeks along today.
D really wants to take us to this desert place called Rita's to buy "Happiness." And I said I've never had it... like I've never been there. And he's like, "You've never had happiness? That's sad." Ha.
We're also going to see the monuments later tonight when they're all lit up.
But I thought I would update.
I come home late Tuesday night.

Miss you all. :)