Saturday, May 30, 2009

Sad Session

First question: Who will be your "breathing coach?" Your parents? Or what?

First answer: I know for sure, I probably won't be taking any birthing classes. Ha, for some reason, I don't find them necessary. At group, a girl who has had two babies, she's parenting one and placed the other, that the nurses and doctors basically help you out or notice you're not breathing, they'll tell you to breathe. So I'm not worried about classes, or breathing. So nurses and doctors will be my guide.

I had a session today with Loni. Basically, I bawled the WHOLE time.

Which was weird because I wasn't in a crying mood at all. I've been pretty cheerful. I think she just hit some major issues or nerves. Who knows? We were talking about our "Self Behavior System." How you're most defined by what your parents tell you. Like if your parents tell you, you're pretty, or outgoing, or obnoxious, you try to find Validation of Truth. Like if someone else tells you you're pretty then you have your validation so you have your identity as pretty and you behave pretty. Or if someone tells you you're obnoxious, you have confirmation, that's what you identify within yourself, and you behave obnoxiously. I think one of mine was black sheep. I had always been defined the black sheep of the family. So my validation was, people would tell me, or I would live a different standard then from my sisters. So that's my identity. So I would behave and have a different standard from the rest of my family. So we were talking about how to get out of that sort of thing is to kind of go backwards. You change your behavior, you re-identify yourself, you get validation that you have changed, and then you believe-- I'm changed. Then I guess it just kind of hit me that she was saying to me that I've come a LONG way and I'm already in the process of re-identifying myself. And that I used to not be so close to my family and then that's all I have surrounding me in my life right now. I don't really talk to anyone about anything unless it's my sisters or my mom or V. I basically consider her family. Baby connection :]

I guess what got on the belief system is that I told her I was going out tomorrow with this guy ya know? And I just was like, I don't think I should be going out with him because of my circumstances. He's a good guy, return missionary, I'm working on everything in my life. I know right now I don't want to be focused on dating but it's good to have friends to hang out with. I just don't want other people to think, oh she's pregnant, she'll corrupt him. But I haven't really gotten that response. I've told people and they're like, "REALLY?! THAT'S COOL!" People at work anyway because they know him and me. And I'll be his first date since his mission. I'm okay with that. I actually worked with him for a few hours today. He wanted to take me out for Mexican food. BLAST.

Mexican food gives me massive headaches.

Anyway, so in the end of the belief system she got to the point that I had a belief for a while, that I don't deserve happiness. I deserve to be alone. I don't deserve the best guy. So my validation is I'm in bad boyfriend land. Then my identity is, "you suck." Then my behavior is, "I'm going to do ANYTHING to keep you from leaving me." So I need to go back and change my behavior to, "I'm okay with being with you or without you." Then my identity would be, "I'm awesome." My validation would be, "Good boyfriend land." Then my belief would be, "I deserve happiness. I don't deserve to be alone (but be okay with being alone). And I do deserve the best guy. And she was telling me that N was missing out on a lot but that it was alright and I deserved better. I'm bawling at this point. And she wanted to know what was hurting me the most and I told her that I felt like I never got the chance to get over N. I found out I was pregnant with his kid after we broke up. So after Olivia is born it's like I'm losing two of the greatest people in my life.

Then we talked about the grieving process. That there are 6 steps. The last one kind of stays where it is. But that's how I'll be going through with all of this.

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Numb
6. Acceptance

And she asked me where I was with N in the grieving process and I said between 3&4. Yeah, probably the hardest ones. Then she said that since I do have a connection with N because of Olivia it will take a lot longer for me to let go. And that I need to take as long as I can because if I just pretend he never existed then I couldn't go to places that reminded me of him or do things or see things that reminded me of him and the grieving process would come back 10 times harder. And I want to see Olivia because I know that when I see her, I'll think of him. I mean come on, I know we haven't been together for almost 6 months. Each year that she gets older, I'll remember how long It'll be since me and N hadn't been together. I know. I'm SUPER dumb to even be thinking about him like that, "Boo, N hasn't be in my life for 6 months." But with Olivia, he's been apart of a HUGE life experience for me and I can't let go of that... yet.

There are days that I get REALLY angry with N. Well, of course, I don't ever let him know that I'm angry with him because it's not even a big deal. There are days where I'm like, "Hello, he told me one time that he would help buy maternity clothes because he never gets pregnant. From now on he should be buying things for Olivia. Buy me a plane ticket to Virginia to see D and V." Yeah, it's just really stupid things. Also, I've been mad about involvement for some reason, I don't know what it is, I have to always contact him or text him, and that's bothered me so I've been thinking if she asks me when she's older about him, all I'm really going to tell her is that he was the sperm donor. That he wasn't really involved in anything. But I want him to know, I don't want to have to tell her that unless he wants me to. I think what he can do is write her letters or whatever. Think of questions and answer them so that way she can kind of know who her birth dad is. Or maybe send her birthday cards for her birthday. I know I'll be flying out there for his birthday every year.
Then I get sad because I think about getting over him and then have a constant reminder of Olivia. Part me/part him. So I asked Loni what was appropriate to talk to him about or when I can contact him. And she told me I could tell him legitimate things like, "Hey, I'm feeling sick or bad, keep us in your prayers." Or I can tell him how the doctors appointments with. Because I made it clear that I only wanted him there for the ultrasound (check) and the birth. I'm kind of changing my whole thing about him being at the whole birth. Like it would be cool to have him there. But then at the same time, I don't want him to be awkward, so I don't know. It might change that he can come after I have her. Sign his rights away. See her. Then leave.

I don't know how long D and V will be out here. I know for sure about a week. But I want anyone who lives close by, friends or family of D and V, can come to my house and visit her. Or if N's family wants to see her. My friends and family, I'm totally open. The more people who see Olivia and know her, the better. :]

Has anyone had a charlie horse in their nose? I have. It hurts. :[

With the Q&A in the beginning. Just a reminder. I might be doing a Q&A blog if I have enough questions from people. If not, I'll be answering whatever questions I get in the beginning of each blog entry I write. So you can ask me via comment. Or you can contact me via facebook or e-mail if you don't want people to know it's you. Yep. That's all. It's late. Night :]


  1. Wow!! I don't really know what to say except for Amazing! ( know weird right? I like almost bawled! But I give you *Hug*! :D hehehe! :D But yeah! I Love ya tons Stefanie! :D Do you remember Jonny Lingo? That is a perfect example of S.B.S Cause people gave Mahana the saying "Mahana You Ugly" So she believed she was Ugly most of her life. And the Only person that didn't portray her that way we Jonny Lingo! :D He made her feel special, like a Princess! My Dad has always told me that "You don't look beautiful unless you feel beautiful!" And I agree with Loni! You have come a long road and Look at you now!! :D You have made the quote "Trials Ties Families Hearts together!" You have portrayed that very well! And I really do look up to you for that! :D Even though I have always been really close to my family most of my life(yes there were sometimes where I would space myself from them, including that one time about a month or two ago...) And my attitude would be different. I DO look up to you for you being able to involve your family! And seeing you now! You look like a better person that what you were a year ago even!! :D You Look more happy(despite your time of trial right now), you seem to want to really do your best to keep Heavenly Father in your life! I don't really know all of this stuff, but You have definatly been an example to me in my life right now! and if I were in this type of situation I would be following your footsteps and do the best I can to get through that trial(you know what I mean?) Also, remember when I brought you Ice Cream Last year and we watched Juno(by the way, I Love that movie!! :D Thanks for inviting me to watch it! :D I very much enjoyed it! :D) Anyways... one of the things that poked out at me ( I thought of this along with the S.B.S was "Your future spouse will Love you now matter mood you're in, how you feel, or how Ugly you feel you look." We all deserve great guys!

    Ok... Sorry for the Long Novel! LOL I tend to do that a lot but that is what was on my mind to try to help you a little bit better(I hope). If you need anything... you know my number, e-mail, heck you know where I live! If you need to go on a walk and just talk I'll listen and give you a shoulder to cry on! (Hey That's What Friends are for! :D) I am very Excited for you! Love ya!

  2. Oh and By the Way! You totally just made my day! This weekend has been a struggle so far... :P I failed my Pharmacy Tech test and I can't sign up for it for 90 Days, and by that time comes my Year will be up... so I might have to go through the course again and do more School next January... But this time... I will definatly take the test pretty much soon after I am done with the Class again so that I have that everything fresh on my mind! And I will definatly Do better this next time! Lesson Learned pretty much! :D

  3. Hey! and here is my blog I've had it for about a year and a half but haven't really been keeping up on it... but right now I'm doing my best to keep up on it really but if you'd like to look at it here is the Link and Val and Erika if you guys would like to read you guys can! You have my permission! :D

  4. Were you ever verbally labeled Black Sheep by anyone in the family (well, besides Kim)? Because I don't think you were. Did you know that at one point I thought of MYSELF as the black sheep? And so did Ruthann? I think that the whole term "Black Sheep" is Satan's tool to give us an excuse for our bad choices. We think, "Well, I'm just not like them so I do things differently. I'm a bad person, I'm not as good as so and so. I can't change, it's just how I am..." etc. It takes an effort and a desire to change our viewpoint and I have definitely seen your desire and your attitude shifting.

    The people I talk to the most is definitely my family. When we are in high school we feel like our friends are the most important to us, but really it's our family that is. At the end of the day, during our hardest trials it is our family that is there for leaning on.

    Oh, and I've heard that you may go through the grieving process more than once, so you may want to be prepared for that possibility.

  5. I agree with Erika! Everybody goes through that process of feeling like they are the "Black sheep" of the family. We have our own experiences in our lives to make us feel that way, and also act that way.

  6. Erika- I think I remember that mom told me I was her "problem child" she didn't come out and say "black sheep" but to summarize that up. That's what I got. My validation was being sent away because none of her other kids have been sent away.

    I have also heard about multiple grievings through all of this. And I am trying to prepare myself aka anticipatory grief. I anticipate placing.