Sad Session

First question: Who will be your "breathing coach?" Your parents? Or what?

First answer: I know for sure, I probably won't be taking any birthing classes. Ha, for some reason, I don't find them necessary. At group, a girl who has had two babies, she's parenting one and placed the other, that the nurses and doctors basically help you out or notice you're not breathing, they'll tell you to breathe. So I'm not worried about classes, or breathing. So nurses and doctors will be my guide.

I had a session today with Loni. Basically, I bawled the WHOLE time.

Which was weird because I wasn't in a crying mood at all. I've been pretty cheerful. I think she just hit some major issues or nerves. Who knows? We were talking about our "Self Behavior System." How you're most defined by what your parents tell you. Like if your parents tell you, you're pretty, or outgoing, or obnoxious, you try to find Validation of Truth. Like if someone else tells you you're pretty then you have your validation so you have your identity as pretty and you behave pretty. Or if someone tells you you're obnoxious, you have confirmation, that's what you identify within yourself, and you behave obnoxiously. I think one of mine was black sheep. I had always been defined the black sheep of the family. So my validation was, people would tell me, or I would live a different standard then from my sisters. So that's my identity. So I would behave and have a different standard from the rest of my family. So we were talking about how to get out of that sort of thing is to kind of go backwards. You change your behavior, you re-identify yourself, you get validation that you have changed, and then you believe-- I'm changed. Then I guess it just kind of hit me that she was saying to me that I've come a LONG way and I'm already in the process of re-identifying myself. And that I used to not be so close to my family and then that's all I have surrounding me in my life right now. I don't really talk to anyone about anything unless it's my sisters or my mom or V. I basically consider her family. Baby connection :]

I guess what got on the belief system is that I told her I was going out tomorrow with this guy ya know? And I just was like, I don't think I should be going out with him because of my circumstances. He's a good guy, return missionary, I'm working on everything in my life. I know right now I don't want to be focused on dating but it's good to have friends to hang out with. I just don't want other people to think, oh she's pregnant, she'll corrupt him. But I haven't really gotten that response. I've told people and they're like, "REALLY?! THAT'S COOL!" People at work anyway because they know him and me. And I'll be his first date since his mission. I'm okay with that. I actually worked with him for a few hours today. He wanted to take me out for Mexican food. BLAST.

Mexican food gives me massive headaches.

Anyway, so in the end of the belief system she got to the point that I had a belief for a while, that I don't deserve happiness. I deserve to be alone. I don't deserve the best guy. So my validation is I'm in bad boyfriend land. Then my identity is, "you suck." Then my behavior is, "I'm going to do ANYTHING to keep you from leaving me." So I need to go back and change my behavior to, "I'm okay with being with you or without you." Then my identity would be, "I'm awesome." My validation would be, "Good boyfriend land." Then my belief would be, "I deserve happiness. I don't deserve to be alone (but be okay with being alone). And I do deserve the best guy. And she was telling me that N was missing out on a lot but that it was alright and I deserved better. I'm bawling at this point. And she wanted to know what was hurting me the most and I told her that I felt like I never got the chance to get over N. I found out I was pregnant with his kid after we broke up. So after Olivia is born it's like I'm losing two of the greatest people in my life.

Then we talked about the grieving process. That there are 6 steps. The last one kind of stays where it is. But that's how I'll be going through with all of this.

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Sadness/Depression
5. Numb
6. Acceptance

And she asked me where I was with N in the grieving process and I said between 3&4. Yeah, probably the hardest ones. Then she said that since I do have a connection with N because of Olivia it will take a lot longer for me to let go. And that I need to take as long as I can because if I just pretend he never existed then I couldn't go to places that reminded me of him or do things or see things that reminded me of him and the grieving process would come back 10 times harder. And I want to see Olivia because I know that when I see her, I'll think of him. I mean come on, I know we haven't been together for almost 6 months. Each year that she gets older, I'll remember how long It'll be since me and N hadn't been together. I know. I'm SUPER dumb to even be thinking about him like that, "Boo, N hasn't be in my life for 6 months." But with Olivia, he's been apart of a HUGE life experience for me and I can't let go of that... yet.

There are days that I get REALLY angry with N. Well, of course, I don't ever let him know that I'm angry with him because it's not even a big deal. There are days where I'm like, "Hello, he told me one time that he would help buy maternity clothes because he never gets pregnant. From now on he should be buying things for Olivia. Buy me a plane ticket to Virginia to see D and V." Yeah, it's just really stupid things. Also, I've been mad about involvement for some reason, I don't know what it is, I have to always contact him or text him, and that's bothered me so I've been thinking if she asks me when she's older about him, all I'm really going to tell her is that he was the sperm donor. That he wasn't really involved in anything. But I want him to know, I don't want to have to tell her that unless he wants me to. I think what he can do is write her letters or whatever. Think of questions and answer them so that way she can kind of know who her birth dad is. Or maybe send her birthday cards for her birthday. I know I'll be flying out there for his birthday every year.
Then I get sad because I think about getting over him and then have a constant reminder of Olivia. Part me/part him. So I asked Loni what was appropriate to talk to him about or when I can contact him. And she told me I could tell him legitimate things like, "Hey, I'm feeling sick or bad, keep us in your prayers." Or I can tell him how the doctors appointments with. Because I made it clear that I only wanted him there for the ultrasound (check) and the birth. I'm kind of changing my whole thing about him being at the whole birth. Like it would be cool to have him there. But then at the same time, I don't want him to be awkward, so I don't know. It might change that he can come after I have her. Sign his rights away. See her. Then leave.

I don't know how long D and V will be out here. I know for sure about a week. But I want anyone who lives close by, friends or family of D and V, can come to my house and visit her. Or if N's family wants to see her. My friends and family, I'm totally open. The more people who see Olivia and know her, the better. :]

Has anyone had a charlie horse in their nose? I have. It hurts. :[

With the Q&A in the beginning. Just a reminder. I might be doing a Q&A blog if I have enough questions from people. If not, I'll be answering whatever questions I get in the beginning of each blog entry I write. So you can ask me via comment. Or you can contact me via facebook or e-mail if you don't want people to know it's you. Yep. That's all. It's late. Night :]