Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sorry, it's probably a super fake smile but I look depressed if I don't smile. But that is my outfit of the day. I bought that shirt at the local grocery store, Albertson's. Oh YES.
I had a conference call today with D and V. I texted N the night before and invited him but he said that he didn't think he was able to make it. I think it turned out well. I didn't talk very much, Loni did say she sort of wanted to direct it. I didn't really have any questions in mind since me and V talked on Mother's day. We kind of just talked about the openness of the adoption and if they're going to be here for the birth. I thought it was way cool to find out though that their son, B, his due date was September 24th and that's Olivia's due date! We're probably meant to be. I don't know what came over me but like I had a flood of tears come out when we were talking. I think it was a mixture of tears of joy and comfort and then tears of reality setting in. Because I've tried so much to block out of my mind that I'm having my daughter and giving her away to most amazing family and know that I couldn't give her the life that this family can. Atleast not for a while with my own children. I think what hit me the most is that Loni said something like, you don't have to take her to Disneyland every summer to be good parents because Stefanie knows that you'll do a good job with whatever you do. And it's true. D and V are amazing. I know that I would have no idea what I would be doing right now with my life trying to prepare for Olivia to come into the world. I would feel so unprepared and scared and hope to be the best mom ever.
I think what hurts me is there are people at work who have told me before when I didn't know what I was going to do. They told me I would be a bad mom if I placed my baby for adoption. In my honest opinion, I don't think that makes you a bad mom. It makes you probably the greatest mom in the world to know that you're looking out for your own daughter to be unselfish and say, I know I can't give you everything right now but there are people who can. That doesn't make me love Olivia any less.
What I've been thinking in my mind is that I'm not having MY daughter, I'm having THEIRS. In my scriptures I wrote, "Physically she's yours, but spiritually she's someone elses." I think it's true. I get more and more excited for September for D and V to have their family. Also and to know Olivia and what a gift she is to me. And how much she has changed my life. I wouldn't change this experience for the world.
So after my appointment I went to Wal*Mart (I had to go to McDonald's and get a soft pretzel). But I think it helps me mentally and brings a comfort to me that Nic might be there and bring him closer to Olivia. I think I just sound ultra creepy going into his work at all. It's not in hope to see him, it's just the thought of him and his daughter in the same room. Because that will probably only happen once after she's born, if he even goes to the hospital.
Yeah, I also got chicken nuggets from McDonald's and Jasper always has to have his share. What the H?!
RuthAnn and Katrina are getting some drinks from the gas station and are going to redbox "He's just not that into you." We all haven't seen it so we're going to watch it until I have to go to work at 5. I would be going to my group tonight but since it starts at 4:30 I would only be there for like 20 minutes. Also, it's about assertiveness. Yep, I'm pretty sure I'm assertive. I don't need any lessons in that. But, I'm pretty sure SOMEONE does. haha.
Haha, when Loni did bring up baby names I was going to suggest Bathsheba as a joke. ;] I'm also probably eating a ton of fast food. So I hope little Olivia is a baby and not a Big Mac. Holla. I'm working on eating healthy. Don't worry :]
Well, Ruth and Kat are back and they brough the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I went a roadtrip to Idaho and pulled an all nighter the night before. It was me, N, and my friend Kristy, we were visiting her exboyfriend. (her boyfriend at the time) and we saw that. I totally slept through the whole thing.
Farewell. I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!