Monday, April 13, 2009


I guess I get to whine. Because I've been talking to a few people about this. But I called N yesterday to invite him to the ultrasound. I was talking to friends and I was asking if they wanted to go and I made the comment, "N might be there if he actually decides to do something." And that kind of stuck on my mind so I called him. No answer. But he returned my call.
This will be the phone conversation. Just so know, I'm awkward when I'm nervous.

N: You called?
Stef: Um, yep. I was just seeing how you were...
Stef: Okay... not really. I wanted to see if you were coming to the ultrasound in May. It's like 3 weeks away but I don't know how busy you are. And I figured I'd tell you now.
*This is me hitting myself in the head for even calling*
N: I don't think I should go.
Stef: What? Why?
N: From what Loni said I think she doesn't want me to go to those.
Stef: Uh, that's funny because I asked her if it was okay to invite you and said it was fine.
N: Oh. I don't know.
Stef: Yep, well, I also wanted to ask you how you were because we never talk.
N: I'm fine.
Stef: Oh. Okay. I'll let you go then. Bye!

How awkward am I?!?! Pleaseeeeeeeeee. I got off the phone and cried because I felt like an idiot for even trying! I hate whining and stuff. I just sound like a little girl throwing a temper tantrum. I told my friend Pheonix Azura (I'm putting up their screennames because I'm not sure if people want to know who they are) that I didn't know what to do. So I ended up writing in a notebook how I felt to get my anger out towards him and my frustration. And I turned it into a letter I was going to never send him. But then it turned out good. So I'm going to talk to Loni on Wednesday about whether or not I should send this letter. It's stupid. :/ I won't post it. It's WAY too personal.

I can get personal with people in private but I am NOT posting for the whole world to see.

I was talking to my old locker partner in the 8th grade and she wanted to know how I told N I was pregnant. I probably posted it in my first blog. But I looked at it and I didn't go into too great of detail about. So I thought I would copy and paste excerpts from my e-mail.

Before we broke up I had an allergic reaction to penicillen because I had a sinus infection and so I took this medicine to make the allergic reaction to go away. The doctor told me my birth control pills might not work so to use other contraceptives. That night we ended up buying a box of condoms. Ha. But we were obviously not faithful to that. After we broke up my allergic reaction came back, and I called my mom (she was in Arizona at the time) and I was like, WHAT IS THIS?! I have not been taking any penicillen! And she thinks it might've just stayed in tissue and it has come above the surface. I said, Oh and I'm supposed to be on my period right now. I'm 3 days late. And she's like, It must just be from the anti-allergy pills. Ha. And I figured she was right. Then on the 21st I went to the doctors and he was going to put me on some medicine then I told him I'm missing my period that I'm a week late. And he thought it was from the medicine and so he had me take a test just in case and he came back and said it was a "pretty" positive test. PRETTY POSITIVE?!?! Either it is or it isn't Sherlock.
He had me take a blood test to confirm it so the next day I found on the results and it was positive. On the day I took the urine test I called N and asked him if I could see him and talked to him on Thursday because I didn't work that day and he said it was fine. But he was a little unsure about it because we had just broken up so later he told me he thought I was trying to get him to get back together with me. But when I said it was "important" he figured it was something bigger than that. I went over there and I still had all of his stuff at my house and so I brought a box over full of his stuff. And he took it from me and he asked me, "So you wanted to talk?" And I said, "yes." We went into his brothers room and sat down and I said, "Well, I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant." And he said, "I figured from my phone call." And I asked him what he wanted to do. He said to me he wasn't sure and that he would pray about it and talk to his bishop. I told him it was fine.
Since I was already over there and my parents knew but his parents didn't that we would tell them right then and he said he would just tell them. He took like two weeks to tell him. It was really annoying. But the first week he was really excited and he said he wanted to help out and be a dad and thought he could do it. But then he stopped returning my calls and I found out he hadn't told his parents so I posted on facebook I was pregnant because I was friends with some of his family and friends. I figured the word would get around. It did. N got on FB later that night after I posted it and he chewed me out and told me I was immature for posting it and told me I needed to grow up and put the baby up for adoption. It hurt. Not lying there.
We didn't talk for about a month then I went to his work. At his work he said in the beginning he was excited and he thought about marrying me but then he thought about what was best for the baby and he figured he wasn't going to be the best dad in the world so adoption is the only way to go. After he got off work he took me out on a date (I call it a date. We used to go to movies all the time and they would be dates.) and told me he wanted to help me out (If adoption he would help buy me maternity clothes-since he never gets pregnant he never has to buy them or get sick. If I kept he would have to figure out what he wanted to do as a father but he would still help pay for maternity clothes.).
Then a week later he stopped returning my calls. And so I went to his work and talked to him after work and he said he talked to his bishop and his bishop told him that we weren't allowed to see each other face-to-face. And he was telling me if I kept the baby he would fight for full custody. Yep. What a winner. I made this story really long. We didn't talk for a month again. Then a few weeks ago he called me on Sunday and told me he wanted to go with me to LDS family services. And I said it was fine. I was really excited he wanted to go to be involved and I was going to give up. Then I didn't hear from him for two weeks. But I found out the next day he went to LDS family services and talked to my caseworker and my caseworker suggest we all meet together.
So that was, two Fridays ago? I don't remember. I put it on my blog though. It was awful. I called him yesterday. I didn't put this in my blog because it would just be me throwing a temper tantrum. But I asked him to go with me to the ultrasound and he said what he got from the session is that he shouldn't go. I told my caseworker that and she was like, "That's funny that he would interpret that because it's completely his choice." I mean, what professional would say that he wasn't allowed to go? I'm about 4 1/2 months pregnant. COME ON. I'm just really sick of him and basically just giving up.
It's hard because I know I won't be able to do it alone financially and of course, if I kept he would pay child support. But the baby does need two parents and that's when adoption would be good and I'm just not a happy person with him. When I think about adoption it breaks my heart and brings me to tears to even think about it ever happening. I have a full on attachment and don't know what to do. I can't exactly give up the things I love. They all kind of go away from me. I really loved N when we were together. But I guess it was different for him. And I don't want this baby to go away from me too. So much love and sacrifice has already gone out to this baby. I'm emotionally drained from the day just thinking about it and what I should do. When it's 4 o' clock in the afternoon I'm about ready to call it a day! I'm so overwhelmed.

Ew, this is why I wouldn't post this on my blog. I sound so whiny! How annoying! Sorry!!

Yep, that was from the e-mail and I apologize again. But that's what's going on. :/

Oh, my mom bought me a book today, "What to Expect when You're Expecting." How cute. I love my mommy!

Funny story of the week: I work with a lot of hispanics. They all know I'm pregnant and they are VERY excited for me. They rub my belly all the time like I'm Buddha. It's great. So one day this older lady was pushing on it and said something in Spanish to her daughter (have I mentioned they're all related?) and her daughter says to me, "That's where your baby is!" And I just look at them and in my most straight face ever I say, "That's definitely my hip."

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.


  1. I understand we have our differences and that you always seem to be upset at me for one reason or another. However I find it funny that while you advertise it you don't want to live it. "Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.". You have no idea what this is like to me and what it means to me. Or even how I feel about it. And don't get me wrong it's not like i haven't told you once or twice. Maybe I don't enjoy talking to you directly because I feel like you don't really listen to me and just hear whatever it is you want to hear. Glad to see what you really think though...

  2. you can put my name up. Doesn't bother me. :)

  3. Nic- I don't know what you want me to say. I'm not judging you negatively. I'm judging you or interpreting what you're saying because you have not be 100% clear with me. Even though you believe you have told me a million times. I'd gladly would hear your thoughts if you want to make them clear to me. I'm sorry you believe I have reasons to always be mad at you but I can't help it if you have to hide behind every excuse you're given, "Loni says, I shouldn't go." Or when I tell you what's important to me or how you can be involved, you don't even take that chance. So I can only "hear or see what I want" when that's all you give me. If you really even want to have this conversation you can talk to me over e-mail and you've figured and sorted out your feelings or you can join in a session with me and Loni. It's up to you. But thanks for reading. :]