So, I called N. Yes, I called him. I'm lame and said I wouldn't contact him. Trust me, I wasn't happy at all. But I was sort of desperate. There was some drama last night at my house and I'm like trying to look for a place to live. Or was. I'm not sure yet.
I told him what was happening and I wanted to let him know what was going on.
And he said he would call me and tell me if knew any place.
(Trust me, I had a lot of words exchanged like, "I shouldn't have called you." He laughed at me. Openly. And I'm like, Well I called you, I'll tell you.)
Then I asked him if he got my letter.
We argued for a bit because he was still unsure about what he was supposed to do when I wrote, which I thought was clear, either you do these two things or you're out.
And he was like, "Well, I feel involved."
Trust me, I was kind of, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Right? At that point.
I told him I didn't think he was involved because he doesn't call to ask how his baby is or if I have any appointments or something he could do to help. And he said, that he didn't call because he felt that it was just for me. Not for the baby.
(I got sarcastic and said, Well, if you could physically talk to the baby instead of through me then I would totally be okay with that) Not exactly a smart thing to say he wanted to get off the phone because the conversation wasn't going anywhere and we were just arguing.
And I said we were arguing because there has been some miscommunication obviously. And he said he didn't call me after getting the letter because he thought he wasn't supposed to write me back because I was just venting out my feelings. And I apologized and said I should've made it more clear that you talk to me so I know you're involved or you don't so I know you're not.
He said that he never changed his mind about being involved, I laugh at this, he said, I feel like I'm getting in trouble all the time if I don't call you or talk to you.
I asked him why.
And he said, "Have you read your blog?"
I said, "Um, yeah. I wrote it."
He said, What do you want from me? I feel like you just want a relationship from me. I told him, I just want to be friends. And he said, That'd be unhealthy to do that. I'll be civil and nice to you but we can't be buddy-buddy. I said, it was nothing like that. All I wanted him to know was that just because we weren't married doesn't mean he couldn't care about his kid and the person carrying it.
I got frustrated because I sounded one sided about my decision but I wasn't because I don't know and I cried and he apologized for making me cry because he didn't mean to make me upset over it. Then he started being nice. Yes, it's so nice to have some of these pregnancy hormones. Haha. Keyword: Sometimes.
We started talking about other things about adoption and what would happen if he were to be involved in it if I chose it. And he told me he would like to talk to the family. He says I would have good judgment but he would like to be at peace.
He asked me what time my ultrasound was and I told him it was on the 12th and he was like, I thought it was on the 5th and I told him they called me and changed it like a month ago, he would know if he talked to me. (Well, they changed it to the 7th a month ago, I just said it changed a month ago to the 12th and not a few weeks ago not to confuse him.) He said he'll be there and he asked me where it was and everything.
I hope V&D don't mind (they are the potential couple if I place) that I gave N, V's e-mail. And N gave me his new cell phone number (I'm not so sure if he should trust me with that). Haha. Just kidding.
I went to Wal*Mart last night and my friend was texting me and asking me what I was doing so I said I was at Wal*Mart and she was like, "Why? So you can see N?" And I was like, "Do you really think I'm that creepy?!??! I'm buying shampoo!!" haha. Thanks. I knew I came off as a total creeper but come on. Give me some slack. I'm having his baby. Ha. And just so you know, he wasn't working.
Also upon buying shampoo at Wal*Mart I got this for Jasper.
And here's a picture of me at 19 weeks. So little.