Saturday, September 25, 2010

One Year Ago- Placement

One year ago today had to be one of the hardest and life changing days of my life.

I gave my daughter the best that I could, I gave her a family.
I love the J's and they are officially complete with this little girl. :)

I know this past year has proved to me that they are the best parents/brother out there for her. I couldn't ask for anything more. Thank you!
Olivia is the happiest and luckiest girl in the world because of you.

Now, you probably won't be hearing from me since I'm on my honeymoon.
I'm so excited to explore more of Park City with my HUSBAND.
I will blog next about Olivia's birthday party when I get back. Here is a post from Nic's wife on her blog. (I hope you don't mind :) I love it!)
Here are a few pictures from the wedding on my photographer's blog.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." Read about placement here.

By the way. I'm writing this post as a MARRIED woman. And I'm loving life such a huge difference to one year ago today. Instead of crying myself to sleep tonight all by myself with Olivia's hospital blanket wrapped around a teddy bear. I'll be cuddled up next to the man I call my husband. :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

One Year

Happy birthday miss Olivia!

I will never forget the day that I brought you into this world. It was such a spiritual experience and I never felt so much love for one little human and she was in my arms. It seemed like
looking back such a short time. But I could've held her forever. After she was born, I didn't want to pass her around. I wanted to look at her and admire her cute little face and see what traits of mine that she had. Listen to all these new sounds of a baby cries and sighs. I wanted to memorize her little schedule even though I only held her for two days. The best two days of my life with this little spirit. How could I ever forget? She changed me for the better and is my biggest inspiration. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am. A much stronger, better person. I am for her and I hope to make her proud someday.

I love you, Olivia.

You grew so much in so little time. One year seemed like it was never going to get here and it's here. The one year that I've watched you grow and develop into a beautiful little girl. I can't wait for the years to come to see you start talking, having an imagination, going to the first day of school, so many life experiences and I'm so lucky and grateful to still see all of this happen. It may not be right infront of my eyes. But I'm your biggest fan and did what I felt was best for you. I hope you'll understand the sacrifice not just of placement but of this year, it has been a struggle not having you in my life as my daughter but it's been such a blessing to have you as
my birthdaughter. Quoting what one of your aunts said tonight, you have to be one special spirit to have so many people love you.

You're my everything and the best birthdaughter anyone could ever ask for. Thanks for sharing today with me :)
You're going to be the most beautiful flower girl tomorrow!

One year of miss Olivia Kate:

9/23/2009 9:36 PM

1 month

2 months

3 months

4 months

5 months

6 months

7 months

8 months

9 months

10 months

11 months

One year

Just like last year, I won't be getting a lot of sleep tonight. But instead of being up with a baby all night. It's because I'm getting married in less than 24 hours. Such a change from last year but a good one. Tayler is the love of my life and I can't wait to marry him :) :) I've been waiting for this for a good 7 months. I'll see y'all when I get back. I may possibly have one post while I'm on the honeymoon. Much needed vacay.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Negative 1 Year and 39 Weeks.

One year ago. I never would've thought that tomorrow would change my life forever. One perfect little date. One perfect little angel.

"I know it's going to be really hard. But I realized if me and Nic did stay together and we decided to place for adoption it'd be A LOT harder. I think he had to hurt me to become as strong as I am now to be able to place Olivia in a home with parents who love her and are ready for her now. Nic and I love her, we're just not ready/prepared to be her parents.I think a lot of what me and Nic are feeling towards is each other is because of the bond we have with Olivia. I'm sure if she wasn't here that we probably wouldn't even be talking like that or at all.As much as people are closed minded about adoption and believe that birthmoms just give up their baby because they don't love them. It's not true, at all. I wish I could be Olivia's mom with everything that I have. I love her and it's extremely difficult not to have a bond with someone you've created and has lived inside of you the past 9 months. To see her in ultrasounds, to feel her kicking, you never want to forget those moments you've had. Because that's the time I'll be her mom and be with her everyday.Olivia won't be living in state. I'll see her a few times a year when some birthmoms I know see their babies almost every week or atleast once a month. But I know I'll cherish the times that I do get to see her. Because some birthmoms with closed adoptions never get to see their kids or contact them after they'reborn (it's mostly the birthmom's choice now that open adoption is more common). I feel lucky to know where Olivia is and what and how she's doing and feel the comfort that she's going to an amazing family and grow up in a great, stable home. Even though, I won't be parenting her or be her "mom", in my heart, she's always going to be my daughter."

I was cleaning my apartment today and I just had so much on my mind. I was dragging my feet only to count down the hours until midnight. Tayler went with me to drop off my mom's vacuum. He knew something was off and we got to talking and I told him what I was feeling. He finally just told me how it is (he hates seeing me hurt/sad/upset). I can't just be moping around and acting like it's a huge regret because it wasn't. I gave my daughter what I knew was the best for her. Why should I regret that? I should be happy. I shouldn't be sad because she's not in my arms. I should be happy that she's in my heart. And reading that last sentence above, it hit me hard. He also said, "Olivia will always be your daughter, not just in your heart."

I was thinking about one year ago. I went with Andee to JCW's and I told her, that if Olivia were to be born tomorrow. I would be okay with the adoption. God is quite the jokester. I didn't quite literally mean tomorrow but it happened anyway. And I'm glad it did. The adoption happened right? I'm not sure I was completely okay with the adoption but that was Satan's way of taking advantage of me at my weakest state. He put doubts in my mind like he has been the last little bit. Why is that I was so strong to give my daughter life and to make an adoption plan for her but lately, have felt at my weakest? I told Tayler that it's like I went back in time and all the hurt is back.

He's such a sweetheart after dropping off the vacuum. He took me out into the street and started dancing with me and just let me cry. He then took me to the same JCW's just so I could relive that moment. I knew that I have felt peace with my decision with adoption and this first year like everyone has told me, is the hardest. I'm sure there will be many more years that will be hard but with time, it has gotten easier. I'm sure each year will get easier.

Instead of 2 days until my due date this year. It's 2 days until my wedding.

Thank you all for your support. I'm sure I wouldn't have made it through last year and this year without your love and prayers. I appreciate you. :)

Val, Bradshaw and Olivia fly in tomorrow morning and having Olivia's birthday party in the afternoon (right around the same time I was admitted to the hospital last year).

I love the J's for everything that they have done for me while I was pregnant and this past year. I couldn't imagine anybody better to raise little Olivia. I thank you so much for all that you do for her and what you have done for me too. You're fantastic and doing an awesome job.

I love Olivia with all of my heart. She's my little angel sent from heaven.

One year later,
One empty uterus
One hair color change
One beautiful ring
One handsome almost husband
One eternal family=
One happy birthmomma to One happy One year old birthdaughter.

Totally the same shirt from the 39 weeks pic. Can you tell? ;)

The Name Game

I've realized that it's sort of coming to the end of just my journey. I'm sharing it with somebody else. So I've decided to think of some names to change it and I'd LOVE your help. I'm probably the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. So I'm creating a poll. When I get back from my honeymoon I'll check the poll and begin the process, while I'm in the process of changing my last name. Which I'm wondering if I really can give myself the middle name Jinelle. For those of you who don't know, I don't have a middle name. My best friend since like the 6th grade, who is also my maid of honor, gave it to me. I needed a middle name. If anyone knows, I'd love to just keep that as my middle name. Everyone else thinks it is. How boring of my maiden name to be my middle name ;)

Here are the names:
The Darling Despains
The Daily Despain
The Despain Darlings
The Despain Files
SJ & T.Will
Becoming Stefanie Despain
The Despain Diaries

If you have any ideas, I'd LOVE to hear them.

It is officially September 22nd. But I don't know what it is lately. If it's just the stress of the wedding or if it really is just all the memories of the last year that has practically brought me to tears every night. Tayler is a trooper to handle such a cry baby like me.

I will continue this in a later blog. I hope I will have time to do it. I'm getting my hair colored and my nails done so I'm prettified for zee wedding. 2 days. Shoot. I thought it'd NEVER get here. I also thought Olivia's birthday would never get here either but she'll be 1 in 1 day. Unbelievable. I miss her with all of my heart. <3 I'm thinking about the J's today and I can't wait to see them TOMORROW!!

Saturday, September 18, 2010


Olivia's big brother turned 3 today.

Happy birthday, Bradshaw :)

T&S love you!

Less than a week until Olivia's birthday.
Blast from the past.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


I'm just going to keep this post short.

7 days until Olivia's first birthday.

For some reason, this weekend has just been a rough one on me. Maybe since Tayler is here I now have a real shoulder to cry on and I'm not sitting at a computer desk just crying into my hands.

I think the night that I cried about Olivia with Tayler. He said to me, "I know Olivia will always be important to you and that you'll always love her. That will never bother me."

I remember being so grateful in that moment for a man that was so understanding about the love I have for her and that he didn't feel like he was 2nd place. But this weekend, I kind of thought about it. Have I really put him in spot #2 in my life?

I've had a lot of mixed and confusing emotions over this for the last little bit. Maybe not little bit. Ever since me and Tayler started dating. I know people have always told me that your husband is first and then your children are a close first. Or something like that.

But I did things out of order. I didn't have a husband. I had a baby out of wedlock with a guy who wasn't even my boyfriend anymore. I had a little human being that was half of me to call my own. To say that she was my daughter for 9 months+

I still looked forward to the pictures, the e-mails, the phone calls, the visits, etc. I still DO look forward to them. I have strong feelings for Tayler but I remember telling somebody that if me and Tayler ever broke up that I don't know if I could cry. I have experienced such a huge loss(?) in my life by placing my daughter for adoption that I don't know if I could be hurt by that. I know that it took me... a lot longer than it should've to realize that yeah, I would be hurt by losing Tayler. I'm so grateful to have him still by my side and that in 8 days that he'll be by my side forever.

But this weekend, I just remember crying to him and telling him that I didn't know. That I knew in my heart he should be first but I felt GUILTY for doing that to Olivia. I have an immense amount of care for Olivia. I told him that it's my mommy mode. After a year, I'm still in it. I still am protective. I guess it's not really mommy mode. It's that I just LOVE her. I love her with everything that I have and that I can't even express into words. My arms have never ached so much (well, I'm sure they have) for her.

I put Olivia first in my life. She was my number one in everything. I had to watch what I ate. I had to watch what I did and be extremely careful of my body and surroundings. I wanted her to be healthy. I wanted her to be well taken care of. I wanted to do that for her. Now having Tayler. That's been the hardest thing for me to adjust. To adjust that Olivia can't really be my number one. I gave her a family to watch over her. Take care of her. Watch what she eats. Make sure that she's healthy. I never want Olivia to think that it was easy to just be okay with that. Nothing was ever easy in all of this.

Contrary to popular belief, that adoption is the "easy way out."

It's still hard for me to say that Tayler is number one in my life. It will take a lot of getting used to. It sounds silly? I just can't put it into words. I'll be Olivia's number one fan and supporter in her life. I want what's best for her. So I gave her the best that I could and I hope she can understand that it was her. It wasn't for Tayler. It wasn't for my future. It was for her. I could barely think about my future when she was all that consumed me in the present. She is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is my motivation. She is my everything.

disclaimer: i may or may not have voiced it a lot in this blog but i care deeply and affectionately for tayler. that will never change. he is going to be my husband and number one in our own family. not by any means do i think hes not worthy to be number one in my life. he has rightfully and respectfully has earned that spot with time. not that spots should matter. hes an important part in my life. its just been difficult to figure out all these feelings and emotions.

I don't think it really matters who is in the first or second place or not.
All that matters is that they both have a place in my heart forever.

This was me. One year ago (38 weeks)
Maybe some of you remember this post.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Return

One reason that September is my favorite.

Besides the fact it's Olivia's birthday

and my soon to be wedding anniversaries...

...the return...

XOXO Gossip Girl
(Season 4 premiered today)

Saturday, September 11, 2010


This was right after I saw Olivia after they had her all cleaned up. And I LOVED her hair. My sister called it Clay Aiken hair. If you've seen 17 Again with Zac Efron. You'll understand.
She had dark roots with blonde tips. Like they pampered her in the nursery/salon.

I think lately, I miss baby Olivia. I think about this time last year. She was a baby. Not a one year old WALKING around. That's right. WALKING. It doesn't even seem like a whole year has gone by.

I'm nervous but excited for her first birthday. I don't know how I'll react. The night will probably be harder than I want it to be. I hope not. It's the day before my wedding. I know. I'm really good at planning this stuff.

Thursday, it was just a normal day. I was at group. I was good throughout the whole group. Nothing emotional. Nothing really made me want to cry. Right after group was the FSA adoption chat night. Where adoptive families come in because they are required to have certain hours? I think that's it. I'm probably totally wrong. A girl at group was saying how excited she was to see her daughter because her A-mom was going to be at the chat night.

I, sometimes, get jealous of girls like that. That I can't just call up Val everyday and be like, "Oh hey, can I stop by and see Olivia?" I picked that for myself because I knew I wanted Val to be the mom and not have me stop by and take over. That's my personal opinion.

She came in holding in her birthdaughter. I took one look at her hair. And I LOST it. Completely. I turned my head and covered my face with my hand and I said, "This is going to make me cry." And I bawled. I probably looked like a freak. But this baby's hair was just like Olivia's when she was born. It was mostly like a strawberry blonde but still messy and SO cute.

It sounds crazy but this baby's hair was a trigger for me. Is it almost a trigger because I dye my hair so much, I like to style my hair, I want to take care of my hair and make sure it looks good? I just put so much time and effort into it that I just care about my baby girl's hair? The baby Olivia that I miss? The crazy cute hair that I first saw? The hair that I couldn't help but run my fingers through?

I'm going to quote the part about while I was in the hospital and the day before placement in my blog,

"I remember that Nic was holding her and I was playing with her hair and I made the comment, "I love her hair." And it wasn't exactly that reality hit me that I wasn't going to be her mom. It was always in my mind. But I was hurting over it. I wanted to be her mom and I wanted to grow up with her and be able to wash her hair and braid it and play dress up with her. I then was freaking out because I remember girls from group telling their story about how much they were at peace with their decision with adoption. At the time, I was freaking out. I started bawling. I didn't understand the feelings I was having. It was almost second thoughts but at the time, I still knew adoption was what's best. I just almost didn't feel like I was at peace with my decision with adoption. I didn't think it was normal. All I could do was cry and think what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be her mom? Why couldn't I be able to raise her? But I would think it over and remember why I was doing it and why I couldn't be her mom. It hurts more than anything to think about not being her parent. Nic kept
asking me what was wrong or what I was thinking about. I couldn't calm myself down enough to even answer him.
I choked out the words, "Her hair."
I couldn't say anything else more. He probably thought it was the weirdest answer but that's all I got."

Tayler arrived to Utah pretty late Thursday night. I was there until he showed up. Being the amazing almost wife that I am. I surprised him with chocolate chip cookies. :)

Okay, I kind of cheated and it was pre-made cookie dough. Ha. I just had to put them in the oven. I don't have all of the ingredients in the apartment to make anything so I just have a bunch of tv dinners and canned food. Haha!

awwww. how cute.

We watched a movie. In the middle of the movie, I thought about earlier that day. And I got off the couch and went into the bedroom where our lovesac is and I grabbed the what I call- "I miss Olivia bear." It's the bear that Dustinn and Val gave me at placement and the same one that they use to take pictures with Olivia each month. I used that bear after I got out of the hospital and wrapped the bear up in Olivia's hospital blankets.

I slept with it for MONTHS like that. I curled up in a ball and I cried. Tayler has heard me cry about Olivia before. Mostly, over the phone. It really freaked him out. Only because he hadn't heard me cry that hard over Olivia before, in person. I hadn't cried over Olivia like that in a long time. I snuggled with her bear so close to my face. I wanted it to be my baby. I wanted to hear her heartbeat. I wanted to hear/feel her breathing so close to me. I wanted to hear her little sighs. I cried because I didn't have that. I had that for two days.
Really, I didn't think the flashbacks of the hospital would come to this extreme. But it has. And I can't believe it. I wanted my little angel to hold and to love. After I told him I was crying about Olivia, he was wiping the tears from my eyes and then pulled my head into his chest and told me to cry and it's okay to miss her. Why does he have to be so amazing? I left after the movie, my bff lives around the corner from our apartment and I stayed there. Me and Tayler aren't living together until we're married.

You know, when I do get depressed. At group, something at group I do remember that makes me want to be happy. The same girl was talking about how she was told by her caseworker that if we hold onto the guilt and sadness and we don't make something of ourselves. Our child knows us as this sad, depressed, guilt-driven person because of the adoption that our child feels guilty that they made us that way. They possibly think (not being adopted child but putting myself in their shoes) that, "If my birthmom/birthdad didn't place me for adoption then they wouldn't be so depressed. If maybe I came when they were ready, they wouldn't feel so guilty." I don't want Olivia to think that way. I'm not going to put on a fake face though. I think it's okay to explain to them it was hard and it was a sacrifice but not so much glorify our sadness. At the adoption chat night, we were talking about doing school presentations, and I think we also need to apply it to our lives. Keep our adoption story positive.
If things were bad between you and your child's birthfather- I don't think it's good to paint this ugly, negative picture of him to your child. What if years down the road your birthchild wants to meet him and all she's heard is that he's a sperm donor, he's no good, that you want to murder him for what he did. Because of your birthfather, your child has life. And if you were able to go through with the adoption, I think it's something to be grateful for that the adoption went through. Even if that meant he was completely aware of the adoption, or that he didn't know (maybe for your child's safety), at least it happened.

A girl at group, she placed her son when he was 3 or 4 months old. She asked her baby's dad to sign papers to place their baby for adoption. He took a few months to finally decide to sign. We took a minute and recognized that even if the birthfather wasn't involved in the adoption- he still has feelings. I was completely oblivious to Nic's feelings because I was upset that I didn't get what I wanted. I won't lie. But I'm glad that I didn't get what I wanted. I don't know if my life could be good or bad. But I know Olivia is where she's supposed to be. I think Nic had to hurt me so I could go through with the adoption plan.
The point of her story- it showed to her that the father of her child did have a tough time with it. I think I always knew that Nic cared about Olivia. But I guess it didn't really show for me until a few days before I had her. But it has definitely given me a different perspective and a lot more respect for birthfathers.

Good news: Tayler got a job down here, really close to our apartment. He is starting to move down on Tuesday. We got our marriage license on Friday before we went to Idaho and went to a friends (one of his groomsmen) reception. Today, my parents drove up to little ol' Burley to meet Tayler's mom and grandparents. We also went over some details about the open house in Idaho. I'm just glad that I'm almost over and done with all of this. I'm ready to be married already! We went to Tayler's best man's son's birthday party. So much fun :)
We also purchased a Boise State Snuggie. Baha. Since living in the apartment, I know how cold it is. I know that it will be used SO much. Well, I'll be using it because I'm always cold.
Me and Tayler are trying to figure out now if I want to take some of my stuff out of the apartment until the wedding and he'll live at our apartment. Or if he's just going to sleep in my parents guest bedroom and I'll stay there. We'll see. I will let you know.

11 days until miss Olivia is one year old :)

12 days until I'm not a miss, I'll be a Mrs. :)

P.S. I do have a lock of Olivia's baby hair. An hour or two before placement a nurse cut a lock of her hair for me. I'm always so grateful to this nurse because I don't think she will ever know how much that really meant to me in that moment.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

6 Months :(

The day after Tayler proposed. I received the news that my best friend, Jessica, had passed away earlier that morning. I was at work and I left early. Luckily, Tayler was home and I got a hold of Jessica's mom and she told me that she thought she had my number and texted me to come to the hospital. But, I guess not. She told me everything and I cried. I got off the phone and cried some more. I cried throughout the whole day. I asked for a fathers blessing that night because I didn't think I could make it through another day. The next day my eyelids were so swollen. I still cry. It was probably the hardest thing I had to go through besides placement. I felt guilty being happy and celebrating being engaged. I thought I should be mourning over my best friend. But I did come to a point that I needed to be happy and that she would want me to be happy.

You know what the best feeling in the world is? Having a best friend, that one person who loves you and never judges you no matter what, and no matter how badly you mess up. Someone who you have endless conversations with and can communicate by just using your eyes. That one person who just walks in your house, opens the fridge and grabs whatever they want out. Lastly it’s that person who knows so much about you that they could ruin your life in a second. But you trust them with your life and you know that they will never ever do that no matter what. You are that best friend to me. I wish you were here now. Joking with me, Being there when I needed someone to talk to desperately. I'm missing you today. But that's not any different from any other day. I love you, fruitie tootie.

These past 6 months have been the hardest without you here. It's hard to plan a wedding and knowing that you were going to be apart of it. Everything I do, I think about you. It
was so good to see your mom and sister at my bridal shower. My eyes watered when I saw
them because I just imagined you walking in with them. It's not the same without you here.

Olivia misses her favorite aunty. She'll be turning 1 in 15 days.
I wish you were here to celebrate her first birthday like you were there when she was born.
I miss my best friend
and capturing moments.

I miss her hate for BYU ;)
And going to the BYU vs. Utah game and wearing Utah attire.

Our love for Taylor Lautner and going to the cinematic adventure, the midnight showing, of New Moon.

Thank you for all the memories.
I will cherish them forever.

Thank you for watching out for me and being there when I needed a best friend.
You're the most amazing girl I have ever met.
I love you with all my heart Jessica Harris.
I can't wait to see you again :)

This is her favorite song, it describes her perfectly:

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

6 months

It's been 6 months since Tayler asked me to marry him.

17 more days until I'm his and he's mine. :)

Love you, babe.

3 more days until I get to see you!

6 Months by Hey Monday
You're the direction I follow to get home
When I feel like I can't go on you tell me to go
And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees
Cause you have that effect on me
You do

Everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

Months going strong now and no goodbye
Always by my side
Meant to be together
Meant for no one but each other
You love me
I love you harder so

Everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please give me your hand
So please give me a lesson on how to steal
Steal the heart
As fast as you stole mine
As you stole mine yeah

Oh and everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please give me your hand
So please just take my hand

Saturday, September 4, 2010

1. Roommate Pictures

My sister, RuthAnn, asked me to take some pictures of her and her roommates. So. That's what I did today after work. Even though I've been in pain pretty much the past week. I have pleurisy. If you don't know what that is. Google it.

Here are some pictures from today:
I felt awkward. Haha.

Koala Hug=Fail.
I face plant.

This last one is for all you hunger games lovers:
She calls this: Peeta

I am not a photographer. Nor do I claim to be. I don't get much creative juices flowing while I hurt and when I'm on meds that make me drowsy. I took some roommate pictures of RuthAnn and her best friends when they were roommates before her mission. Those ones were probably better than these. Haha. Oh well. Love them as they are.

I just bought Olivia a birthday present today. :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

2. Three Weeks

Baha. If you read my facebook status. This is what it's all about. Me and Mariel had a lovely conversation.

what are you doing?

wallowing in self pity. HA! Im watching my shows

what showsss? why are you wallowing?

americas got talent. I just got done with teen mom. I just..... am really depressed lately. I dont know :)

how are you liking teen mom??
september 9 is a birthfather panel at the post placement group.
the birthfather spoke at the wednesday group. AMAZING.

i love it, i think i am obsessed. I hate HATE amber and gary, i love Maci and her new boyfriend, I am not a huge fan of farrah, she needs to grow up, and i love love LOVE catelynn and tyler

yes. amber and gary. i can do without.
it's like not even about their kid.

she is the most whiny bad word

it's about them fighting. breakiing up. getting engaged. abuse. blah.

i know, right?

if i were with child services. i would seriously take sophia out of farrah's house. haha.

They seriously are just sooooo bad for eachother. They dont match. and their poor daughter gets, like, no attention
I know! She is the worst mom, she doesn't even know what she is doing, and she doesn't even care. And she is such a brat to her parents, who paid for, like, everything
and babysat while she left for hours

for real. she likes uses the cameramen as babysitters. the episode where she like left sophia in the kitchen sink and she turned on the faucet and put her hand under the water and clearly it was hot. and farrah was just in the living room doing whatever.

Oh my gosh i know. And then she left her on the bed, and was like "Sophia shut up, im on the phone", walked out and she fell off of the bed and started screaming. Poor girl

i about die watching farrah
and how she is with sophia.
she doesn't want to be anything like her mom. so she neglects her child? gives her space? sophia isn't independent yet. you don't hit that stage for a few more years, honey.

i know. She is like "I am a mom, i am so mature". Yeah freaking right. You dont even care about your child. Like, you can tell she is annoyed with taking sophia everywhere. Poor girl! Youre right, she acts exactly like her mom
and she makes the stupidest decisions. She said that on the last episode, she was like "I need to stop making impulse decisions". Yeah, you should have realized that when you had sophia

so true.
like having sex unprotected.

i could go on forever about her

so smart.

i know! use a condom!


well, thats hypocritical
i never used one........

i was about to say, like we're the ones that should be talking. ahha.
clearly, we're so good at using birth control.

haha i know, right?

it's like candy.

Oh yeah, we just popped them all the time
haha..... oh gosh
we are so bad

i totally want to m ake that my status on fb.

oh well. :)

i pop birth control like it's candy.

Oh gosh, that would make my day

i'm sooo doing it.
tayler will be like.... wtc???

oh gosh
I could just see his face

And that's how my facebook status was born.
haha. Tayler's little sister wrote, "I don't think we need to know that."

Tayler wrote, "It's a joke."

I said, "There is no funny business when it comes to babies, Tayler."

I crack myself up.

Unpacking. Unpacking. Unpacking.
My friendsies McCall and Mandy got me a LOVESAC. Boo ya. That's my bed.
Well, my temp bed. That's pretty much all me and Tayler need for our apartment. He has all the rest of the stuff in Idaho. I was unaware but we're getting two recliners. Tayler is bringing a desk. He also has a dresser, a coffee table, and a ghetto entertainment center. Glorious.

This was me, one year ago.

P.S. This banner is displayed at Boise State University. The banner on the left. Doesn't that guy look like a total hottie? I'm pretty sure I'm going to make him my husband. (For those of you who don't know, Tayler played in the BSU band and got to play in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. His claim to fame.)