Okay, I'm going to keep this brief.
So, Tuesday evening N texted me out of the blue. He asked me why I treated him like crap. I was VERY surprised to get this text because I hadn't talked to him since maybe the Wednesday before, so a week. I just asked him, "What are you even talking about?" He had read some of the things I had posted or what friends have said about him and how I make him out to be this horrible person and I insult and demean him for entertainment.
Honestly, I have not had a heart a war with N for a very long time. Since the time he told me he wasn't going to be at the hospital... 3-4 weeks ago. Who knows. I'm the kind of person after things are worked out, I forgive and forget. When he sent me the text it shocked me to be honest. My friend had tagged him in a photo that said, "I call this me and the sperm donor." He wasn't a happy person about it. But I understand, I wouldn't want to be known as that either. I had posted that picture up maybe end of June, beginning of July. It had all blown over for me, whatever hurtful feelings I had for him at the time, so I'm thinking, "Why is he making a big deal out of this now?"
I didn't want to argue so I said to him, "I don't think you getting mad at me is going to change anything that has been said or what other people say. If you want things to change then do something about it. You're not really proving yourself right now by picking an argument with me."
He said, "I know you're trying to be all smug and what not but all your doing is excusing your own behavior and saying I'm wrong. I have done nothing to wrong you. I am sick of trying to do things for you just so you can go cry about me behind my back. You say I haven't proved anything. But what have you proved? That you are still immature and have to do anything for attention. You think you have all the power. That's only because I have let you have it. I'm done. I want a paternity test when the baby is born. IF she is mine we will go from there?"
I'm FREAKING out at this point.
It's taking everything I got not to go to where ever he is and just punch him in the face after he calls me immature and an attention seeker. And then he wants to demand paternity? He's trying to stop the adoption? A week before my due date? In spite of me? I should've gone into labor then by all the shock! Ha.
I hadn't said anything back to him because I was trying to get a hold of my caseworker. I couldn't get a hold of her until later but at the time I just said, "I'm just wondering if you have any idea what you're doing. If you even know what it means to demand paternity. Why are you deciding now to try to step up? Because you're mad at me? Real mature. I can tell you're ready to be a father. I'm not going to say anymore until you and I have a meeting with our caseworker."
He said, "Tell me when."
I'm furious. I'm just thinking about how I've been preparing myself for the adoption for my baby to be with another family. A family that was flying out in two days to be there for her birth and everything and he was trying to take that away? I honestly didn't know what he had in mind when he said, "If she's mine, we'll go from there." It could mean ANYTHING. And, I'm a girl. I jump to conclusions.
We ended up having our meeting today. I was keeping everything on the down low because I didn't know how far he had taken this demanding paternity thing. If it was serious or if he was just making empty threats. And I hadn't told D and V (I told them tonight. Things went well obviously or else I wouldn't have told them).
Well, before the meeting, I was freaking out. I sent him a text before the meeting because I didn't want to show up and him not show up at all. I was rude. I'll be honest. A. I was angry B. I just didn't care. Because before, when he was going to meet D and V he told me that day he had plans the same night but he didn't tell me even though I had reminded him two days before. But, I said to him, "Just so you know, our meeting is today at noon. Not last Friday or next Friday. Just in case you made plans or something."
He didn't text back but I was like, great. He probably was planning on showing up and now isn't going to. Go me. :/
He showed up and we went back to Loni's office. I'm shaking because I'm angry and trying to not lose my temper. Loni was the mediator and just listening to her talk, it made me realize how much bitterness that I've had towards him that it's really stupid that I should have any. Even though I had been praying that N softened his heart and dropped the paternity test, I probably should've been praying for my heart to soften towards him. I was able to and listen to what I needed to hear it just would've been nice. Ha. We were talking mostly about respect and it was more aimed towards me but we both have felt disrespected. In the beginning, Loni asked him if he was still for the adoption and he said yes. And she asks him, But you want a paternity test? And he said, "Yeah. I just don't think the dates match up." This was in the beginning, and oh yeah, I'm furious for him to even THINK that I'm that much of a... dare I say it... slut? He didn't say it. But, I almost felt like that's what he meant. And she was asking stuff about the hospital and how things were going to happen and she said, "Are you going to be there?" N looks at me and says, "I don't know." I just said, "I DID want you there." And he said, "I guess not. But it doesn't matter to me either way."
This is me at my heart at war, my thoughts and feelings are, of course it doesn't matter. She doesn't matter to you.
Loni then got off that subject and just said, we are here to talk about the baby. We're not here to play the blaming game. So, that's when I felt like I needed to listen and know that this IS for her. I had known it was but I was too busy being mad that N would take away the best life possible for her. She was saying that even what has been said before, in the past, or what has been done, is over. We can't change that. But what we can do since we have a connection to each other and there's no way we're going to stop contact. We need to respect each other even if it's just on the common ground of Olivia and the adoption. And she said, We don't want her to grow up to think that her birth parents made her out of hate. That kind of got me, because obviously, you don't make a baby out of hate. I loved N. I still care about him, but my daughter, will always come first to me in all of this. Even though, I'll be placing for adoption and I won't be her mom, she'll be my number one in my life besides God and family. Yeah, they're all level one. They're just that cool.
I bet you guys are thinking... way to go by keeping this blog brief, Stef. Yeah. I know. I'm working on it.
N and I didn't really say much to each other. The awkward part of it all was Loni said, "Maybe you guys should thank each other." N and I definitely had the same question in our minds, "FOR WHAT?!" N said it first. I didn't want to say it. Haha. Loni said, "Well, you should thank Stefanie for carrying your baby for 9 months, going through all of this, and delivery is coming up soon. And also, for picking probably the best family possible for your baby." Then for me was to thank him for being there when he has been and to letting the adoption go through and make it possible and letting me choose the family. We both said thanks.
Then Loni went over relinquishment papers with him, he didn't sign. He's waiting to sign with me at the hospital. I told him I would be okay with him signing anytime just as long as I watched so I don't have nightmares that he didn't sign and he'll take her away.
He seemed okay with it.
I think I was still in my bitter mood and Loni was telling him that it's okay to bond with Olivia after she's born and to look at her and see all the features of him in her. And that it's okay to talk about it. She was telling him she wanted him to go to post placement meetings because birth fathers before have gone to placement and been fine but then six months down the road, doing drugs and other things and she doesn't want to see him go through that. And neither do I. I don't want anyone to take that path. It's not fun.
But as I was saying, I think Loni was talking about how we need to talk about after placement and families seeing her and stuff and that we need to openly communicate when he or his family is going to see her. Or when my family is going to see her. And how sometimes our schedules might conflict. And it freaked me out. I almost feel like he has to ask ME if it's okay his family can see her or when he wants to see her. I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing her every day, hour, minute, second of my time while she's out here.
But I almost want to be there when his family sees her. I don't know. I'm just weird like that.
Anyway, after the meeting, I kind of wanted to talk to N for a little bit. He and I didn't do much communicating in the meeting. Mostly, Loni just talked but it was good for me. So I said to him, "I just wanted to explain to you why I kind of changed my mind about you being in the room. I mean, if you don't feel like you're the father. Then why should I give you the privilege of being in the room?" He said to me, "I don't feel like the father because the dates don't match up." I said to him, "What do you mean?" And he said, "We broke up January 8." I was surprised he knew that... but it was actually January 10. Not meaning to correct ;) just saying.
I explained to him how the whole pregnancy calendar all worked out. It starts from the first day of your last period (mine happened to be December 17) and conception is about a week or two after that. He just said to me, "Can I trust you? That it's true that she's mine?" And I just looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yeah." I wanted to say, or else I might be growing a miracle baby because I haven't been with anyone since you. When I told my friend that she's like, "You're having a Jesus!" And I said, "In female form." haha.
He apologized to me about the threatening paternity and that he shouldn't have gotten angry with me. I apologized to him about what things have been said and stuff that I've been frustrated and said somethings I shouldn't have. But feelings get hurt and things happen and things that are said that you don't mean. So, basically, we're starting over. He said to me, "I don't know how you feel disrespected but I wanted to say that I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you or wasn't there in the beginning. I could've been more supportive but I was afraid of leading you on and I see now, that it was wrong of me. But I can't change that but I've learned from it."
I was speechless. I'm like tearing up right now thinking about him saying that because that's probably what I've been wanting to hear these past 9 months. That he wishes he could've been a support to me and to her. He said that it hurt him that he believed what people had said how I was handling it and didn't talk badly about him but then he read what I had written or agreed with other people what they've said and it just bugged him. But he said at the time, I guess I was just bitter with him and have calmed down now and gotten over it. He said to me that even though I feel like I don't think he cares about her, he does. And he said, even though you don't think I want anyone to know, I don't really care who knows. I had forgotten a lot of the things I was going to ask or say to him, so he told me to text him and ask him. I asked him about what he meant by "we'll see what goes from there if she's mine." And I told him I was scared about him stopping the adoption and he said, "I thought about it but I know it's not the right thing to do."
Anyway, I think it was an overall good conversation. I let him know that D and V were in town and if he ever wanted to call them to go for it.
Just so everyone knows, I'm hoping that there won't be anymore blogs about me whining about N because I feel like it went well overall and we're on, I guess you could say, good terms. I'm sure he's a hater that I posted this. But, I hope at the same time, he sees how I feel/felt about everything. If he wanted to, he could go back through all the blogs I've written about him, or lately that I don't hate him. I don't think any part of me ever could. It could be bitter or misunderstanding towards him. I can't hate the person who helped me create the person I love the most in this world.
I went over to D and V's cabin and we watched 17 Again. Bradshaw took a really long nap today and they were planning on taking him to Kangaroo Zoo but he slept in for too long.
Sad day, we'll be going another day. And we're hoping to get tickets for the BYU vs Florida State.
I have a secret desire to paint my belly and go support :) Ha. Yep.
Well, I'm going to go to sleep. I didn't get much sleep last night because of contractions. Haha. This reminds me, so I hadn't told N about the induction date because I was trying to protect Olivia and such so I didn't want him to know. I told him in the session, so he's aware if I don't go into labor on my own that Olivia will be born then. And so before we ended our conversation out in the parking lot I told him about the contractions at the cabin. And he said, "Were you just so excited?" I said, "To see you? Oh yeah! Olivia was too, she just wanted to get out!" He laughed and said, "That's not what I meant, that you were excited because you're almost done being pregnant." I said, "Probably that too."
Thanks everyone again for being there and for your prayers :)