Thursday, April 30, 2009
I told him what was happening and I wanted to let him know what was going on.
And he said he would call me and tell me if knew any place.
(Trust me, I had a lot of words exchanged like, "I shouldn't have called you." He laughed at me. Openly. And I'm like, Well I called you, I'll tell you.)
Then I asked him if he got my letter.
We argued for a bit because he was still unsure about what he was supposed to do when I wrote, which I thought was clear, either you do these two things or you're out.
And he was like, "Well, I feel involved."
Trust me, I was kind of, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Right? At that point.
I told him I didn't think he was involved because he doesn't call to ask how his baby is or if I have any appointments or something he could do to help. And he said, that he didn't call because he felt that it was just for me. Not for the baby.
(I got sarcastic and said, Well, if you could physically talk to the baby instead of through me then I would totally be okay with that) Not exactly a smart thing to say he wanted to get off the phone because the conversation wasn't going anywhere and we were just arguing.
And I said we were arguing because there has been some miscommunication obviously. And he said he didn't call me after getting the letter because he thought he wasn't supposed to write me back because I was just venting out my feelings. And I apologized and said I should've made it more clear that you talk to me so I know you're involved or you don't so I know you're not.
He said that he never changed his mind about being involved, I laugh at this, he said, I feel like I'm getting in trouble all the time if I don't call you or talk to you.
I asked him why.
And he said, "Have you read your blog?"
I said, "Um, yeah. I wrote it."
He said, What do you want from me? I feel like you just want a relationship from me. I told him, I just want to be friends. And he said, That'd be unhealthy to do that. I'll be civil and nice to you but we can't be buddy-buddy. I said, it was nothing like that. All I wanted him to know was that just because we weren't married doesn't mean he couldn't care about his kid and the person carrying it.
I got frustrated because I sounded one sided about my decision but I wasn't because I don't know and I cried and he apologized for making me cry because he didn't mean to make me upset over it. Then he started being nice. Yes, it's so nice to have some of these pregnancy hormones. Haha. Keyword: Sometimes.
We started talking about other things about adoption and what would happen if he were to be involved in it if I chose it. And he told me he would like to talk to the family. He says I would have good judgment but he would like to be at peace.
He asked me what time my ultrasound was and I told him it was on the 12th and he was like, I thought it was on the 5th and I told him they called me and changed it like a month ago, he would know if he talked to me. (Well, they changed it to the 7th a month ago, I just said it changed a month ago to the 12th and not a few weeks ago not to confuse him.) He said he'll be there and he asked me where it was and everything.
I hope V&D don't mind (they are the potential couple if I place) that I gave N, V's e-mail. And N gave me his new cell phone number (I'm not so sure if he should trust me with that). Haha. Just kidding.
I went to Wal*Mart last night and my friend was texting me and asking me what I was doing so I said I was at Wal*Mart and she was like, "Why? So you can see N?" And I was like, "Do you really think I'm that creepy?!??! I'm buying shampoo!!" haha. Thanks. I knew I came off as a total creeper but come on. Give me some slack. I'm having his baby. Ha. And just so you know, he wasn't working.
Also upon buying shampoo at Wal*Mart I got this for Jasper.
And here's a picture of me at 19 weeks. So little.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I haven't heard from N since I gave him the letter I wrote him.
Either you're in or out, sort of thing.
It's a given he's mostly likely out. Rockin'.
Um. But I talked to a guy at work yesterday and he said to me, "I saw N yesterday." I honestly gave him 20 questions. I sounded so desperate, "Where'd you see him?" "What'd you say?" "What'd you talk about?" Oh yeah. I couldn't shut up. I was a freak.
All he said was he saw him at Wal*Mart and he asked him how he was.
N said he had a lot of stuff going on right now but things are okay?
Then he had to go back to work.
I told my friend that he should've asked him how his baby was doing.
Baha. But that's because I'm a jerk and wished he wasn't heartless.
I don't know if he's "thinking" about the stuff but it's been um, a week and a few days since the letter. Maybe he's trying to think of a response or he's trying to NOT think about it. I'm guessing the second one. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to be attached but he can't help but think about me and his baby. Oh yeah, I'm just that incredible I left that good of an impression on him. PFFT. As I would like to think.
I don't want to be like, "I made a discovery, boys are dumb." Because that discovery has been made since the beginning of time. I have not discovered anything.
It was funny though, in group, I may have mentioned it before but I'm too lazy to go back and try to read it, we had a birth mom panel and she said, "Why can't the good guys get us pregnant?" Ha, if that were ever possible we wouldn't have to be in counseling now, would we?
It's a little bit easier now to write out my feelings since my blog is private. I just hope if ANYONE is friends with him or knows him and talks to him on a regular basis should NEVER tell him what I write in here. Should NEVER tell him what decision I make. Should NEVER tell him if I'm going to be having a boy or a girl. If he wants to find out for himself he can find out from ME and not through the grapevine. I'm just putting it out there.
I have some good news: I called the orthodontic office that I called yesterday. And I'm meeting with the orthodontist to set up times for when I can come in :] Yessssssssssssssss. Finally. I called the dentist I had been externing at and left a message and I thanked them for letting me extern but it was hard for me to do it while I'm pregnant but if in the future I needed hours they could help me out. Hollla. Okay. I didn't say Holla. Unprofesh. But they'd be my last resort. Sad day.
I'm going to say this, if you have friends who have read my blog before and would like to read it, don't be afraid to tell me. I'm pretty much open to anyone reading my blog. Not unless you happen to be related to N or your name is N. Then that's no beuno.
I think I might be getting sick I had a fever today. Food doesn't sound very good either. If this sickness thing is coming back that I had a month ago I might stab someone in the jaw. I'm not a violent person. Just sayin'.
Oh and I also think I want to rent a fetal doppler for a month. That'd be cool since none of my family have been to any of my appointments with me to hear the heartbeat. And it'd be awesome to hear it anytime.
I just found out about it actually, www.storkradio.com
And I just had a million hiccups in a row. Weird. The baby was moving lots on my birthday, it was probably saying, "Happy Birthday Mom!" That'd be bomb. I'm probably out of style and no one says, "bomb" anymore. But I do. Judge me.
P.S. I just added a poll thing to the side. What is occupying my uterus?
Monday, April 27, 2009
You know you're pregnant when...
you use hair conditioner at Wal*Mart as hand lotion.
Yeah, I wasn't exactly using my brain. I just knew it smelled really good and wanted my hands to smell good too.
I just need to make a long list of this. I make funny mistakes and tend to blame them on my pregnancy.
My friend had a riot at Wal*Mart though when I put it on my hands and she was just like, "Why are you rubbing conditioner on your hands?"
The sign said, "Try for free." I don't plan on washing my hair in the middle of Wal*Mart but I do plan on using free squirts of hand lotion. Yep. It was easy to get them confused. Even though I was definitely down the shampoo aisle.
Here is a picture of me from my birthday :]
His name is Jasper and he's the cutest kitten in the WORLD.
Right now I'm awaiting a call from an orthodontic office so I can extern there. They're a new office so it'd be cool if they just openly gave me a spot. Yep.
I decided I didn't like the office I was externing at because of the dental assistant there. :/
Also, I'm probably going out with my friend Kristyyyyyy if she doesn't have to work, to get some dresses from church. My car is in the shop right now so I won't be able to get it until 5. And I work at 5 until 9. Woot.
So I thought I would show off my precious kitty and my dog Angel, of course. :]
Sunday, April 26, 2009
So I got a surprise yesterday from my parents... A KITTEN. :]
I have yet to name him. Either Jasper or Cooper. I haven't decided yet. But yes, he's a male. We're so used to having female animals that everyone keeps calling him a she. Yep. Gender confused. I think so.
Today I got a purse and shower gel from my sister Katrina. :]
My parents got me that phone that hasn't arrived in the mail yet.
And scrub tops and stuff since I will be getting pregnanter soon.
RuthAnn took me out to 17 Again with Zac Efron. It was really cute but a lot of sexual things were talked about. Some parts were uncomfortable. But I learned to deal because Zac Efron is the next father of my future babies. It's a given.
But thank you for all the "happy birthdays" from everyone. You rock. :]
Oh yeah, it's a given. He's mine.
Friday, April 24, 2009
But I thought I would update on somethings. My life kind of is boring so I feel like I have nothing significant to write anymore.
Let's see, I watched the Jazz/Lakers game when they played in Lakers homecourt and I felt the baby kick me really hard. And I jumped a bit and I said, "OH!" Really loud. I'm sure the people around me thought I was a freak. Or just enthusastic about something. Ha. Who knows. But I thought it was pretty cool. [Someone told me my baby must not be a Jazz fan] ha.
I've been having some ligament pains. And to get personal, by my cervix, so I read online it's probably just the baby kicking there. How awesome is that?
The doctor called and my appointment will be May 12th. If me and Joel had stayed together that would be our 2 year anniversary. Awkward.
But I soooooooo want to know what I'm having already so I can go buy clothes and cute things for him/her. I might as well just go to a place that does it and pay like $100 to find out but whatev.
I work tomorrow then afterwards, RuthAnn is taking me to a movie for my birthday. 17 again with Zac Efron. So hot.
I read this story today, it touched my heart.
SOUTH JORDAN -- The family of Blake Strebel and Derek Jasper are speaking out about what happened. They have similar feelings about the suspects.
This is a devastating loss for two families whose sons were in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
But they say they're not angry about what happened, and they don't blame anyone.
Derek Jasper, 18, and Blake Strebel, 19, were killed when two burglary suspects running from police crushed their car.
The victims worked together at Domino's Pizza in Ogden. They were also roommates.
The young men were driving home Wednesday night after playing basketball.
Strebel was behind the wheel of the car that was hit when two men ran a red light during a police chase.
Derek's mother, Jennifer Jasper, says he was expecting a call on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints next week.
She said Derek had recently moved out of his parents' house in Ogden so he could experience living on his own before his mission.
He was working as an assistant manager at Domino's Pizza to save money for college.
"Our faith and what we believe has gotten us through this morning and will get us through the rest of our lives," Jennifer said.
She believes her son would be among the first people to forgive the suspects in the case. She says Derek was a very loving person. She said, "Derek was the most generous, loving people person who would give the biggest hugs. He loved everyone no matter who they were, what walk of life they were in."
Friends say Derek was the peacemaker in the group. They were planning a road trip to California in two weeks. Friends say Derek had talked about going into law enforcement. His family says he loved to sing and participated in choral groups since he was in elementary school. He also loved snowboarding.
Jennifer says while she knows the suspects in the chase didn't mean to kill her son, she is heartbroken.
"I hope and I pray fervently they get help so they won't do anything like this again, that they will straighten up their lives," she said. "The boys that were victims in this were the best kids in the world."
When Jennifer heard family members of the suspects apologize to them for what happened, she said, "I'm so grateful for that."
Blake Strebel's grandfather, John Strebel, says they don't blame police for the chase, and they aren't angry with anyone. He said, "Anger is not within the realm of our makeup."
Blake's father, Tim Strebel, said, "If they had been involved in criminal-type actions, they will probably end up paying for those, and to have the deaths of two boys on their heads as well, I don't know how anyone can live with that."
Strebel was a student at Weber State University. He also coached lacrosse at Weber High School.
Blake's parents say he was studying criminal justice and wanted to be a police officer like his uncle, who passed away last year.
They say he wanted to help people. Susan Strebel, Blake's mother, said, "[He was] the most loving, accepting young man. He didn't look at classifications, gender or race. He accepted everyone."
The family says if anything comes out of this tragedy it's that they want people to love each other and take care of one another.
Funeral arrangements are still being made for both men.
I don't know what it was but the story stood out to me and had to read it before I went to work. Probably because the kids were around my age. And I couldn't even believe it that they were so young and Derek was waiting for his mission call. They're both good kids and now they're back home to their Heavenly Father way too soon than anyone had ever expected. It makes me think about me writing my blog how I have such a tough decision. But these kids didn't have any decision to make. They were having a good time with eachother and were killed instantly. They can't take that back. And so this is mostly why I hate writing blogs because I feel like I whine about things that are probably not even important to other people. People who have lost others and I'm being selfish. I'm like, look at me, I have a choice, feel sorry for me. Actually, I hope I don't come off that way. I hope people don't feel sorry for me. I put myself in this situation, kind of. Consenting in sex, there can be a consequence of having a baby.
I watched the video and both families said the boys would forgive the young men who caused the crash. My heart would be so full of anger if that happened but you have to think about it, they must've been something really special for the parents to say that about their kids. But it's true everyone needs to know how to live life without regret/grudges and forgive easily, which may be hard to do, but it can be done. I remember when I was in high school, I tried my hardest with every person I had hard feelings towards or had offended me, I forgave them. I had lost friendship with one of my really closests friends in my Sophomore year and then didn't start talking again until our Senior year.
It also makes you think about grudges towards family members. I'm pretty sure I do with one sister at the moment because she doesn't exactly understand how bad she has hurt me through this whole experience. Through hard times, you're supposed to know who will be there for you. I've dropped friends who have abandoned me through this time. But I never thought it would happen to a family member. So I don't know what will happen with our relationship in the future. It's hard for me right now to forgive her because there has been more than once than I've felt alone and felt like she was making it ten times harder on me. I thought tough times brought family closer together and I just don't understand how she turned it around so it's not that way.
What I'm trying to say now, my heart and prayers go out to the Strebel and Jasper family for their loss and hope to find comfort and strength in this hard time.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My ultrasound date has changed AGAIN. Way to go.
I don't exactly know the date yet. But it probably won't be until the 2nd or 3rd week in May. They said they'll call me tomorrow to let me know.
Tonight is my last night of school. I had two of my finals last night. I passed one of them with a 85% I don't know the other one yet.
Sorry this is a short post.
I have to work 11-9 tomorrow.
Boo work! Yay money!
3 days until my birthday.
I'm getting a new phone.
Motozine Zn5 from T-mobile :]
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
After a procedure I was cleaning up and I was trying to take apart the dental syringe that holds the anesthetic and needle. So I took out the anesthetic cartridge then I had issues with the needle. And it poked my finger. Yep. Totally got my finger numb. Awesome. It was really embarrassing.
Then I had to work on a new patient and take 4 x-rays and take impressions for bleaching trays. I was embarrassed from before I tried to do really well. I ended up making a disaster. I dropped a mirror and broke it. I basically choked the patient while taking their impression. I wasn't set up correctly and was totally jittery and running around. I can tell the patient was NOT happy with me. Yeah, and the best part of it was, the patient worked as an orthodontic assistant and gave me ADVICE to make an impression. Incredible. That made me feel ten times better.
After that, I wanted to do nothing. Be done with the day. I actually had one more patient and had to do the exact same thing. So I fixed the mistakes I made and it turned out a lot better. Besides the fact I had to re-do her impressions on her bottom side 3 times. The first two, the trays didn't fit in her mouth. But she was nice to me.
I talked the dental assistant there and I was like, hey, if you don't think your busy this afternoon do you think I can just go home? And she said it was fine. I don't even know what's wrong with me. My day has been super stressful. Maybe because I haven't gotten a response from someone. No beuno.
Oh yeah, I did deliver the letter to N on... Sunday. At his work. This is how it went.
I walked over and noticed he put blonde in his hair so I said, "Nice hair."
He kind of rolled his eyes at me. Well, that's what it looked like to me. Yeah, just super annoyed I would even think about coming into his work. Nice thank you.
I said, "Here. I just wanted to give you this. Read it later."
He put it in his pocket and I walked away.
Luckily, I saw a friend right before I walked out the store and talked to me. And I was freaking out, almost wanting to turn around and just chew him out and say, "You can at least say hi to me!" I guess, I don't get that respect.
I have school tonight, then I have my three finals tomorrow and Thursday. Tonight I'm working on two patients to pass off, just to get practice and things. Nicole is one of them, if her baby will work with us :] ha, then someone else. That no one would be happy about if I said who it was.
5 more days until my birthday. I honestly will have the most boring birthday this year. I am doing nothing. It makes me a little bit sad. But whatever, I don't need anything.
16 days until my ultrasound. Meh.
I'm excited to see my baby for the first time. I don't even believe I'm pregnant most days. I just feel fat, not pregnant. I do feel my baby move at night when I'm laying in bed doing nothing.
Well, that's my day. I'm hoping it gets A LOT better. I'm going to make some mac&cheese. Me and baby are hungry :] ha. Then probably take a nap before school. Or shower. Maybe that will help me relax.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
M's daddy, Darrell, was not very happy with that photo. Don't worry her mom was just a little bit out of the frame. Haha.This is Nicole and me. We tried to take pictures with the ducks. We succeeded below but our faces got washed out.
This is the demon duck. It ran down the mountain just so we could feed it bread and when we walked away, it ran back up the mountain. It was on QUACK!! bahahahahahah Duck joke. That was stupid. :/
I put this in black and white because I am not beautiful in all of my color glory in that photo.
Why did the duck cross the road?
M and the ducky :]
Those are the pictures from that adventure.
This is a picture of my belly this morning at 18 weeks.
19 more days until my ultrasound :]
Another side view.
Well, this morning I got up at 8:30 to go take pictures from RuthAnn's best friend. I was the photographer and edited these pictures. RuthAnn was there to support and to help me with creative things. So here are some of the pictures we took today. Her friend wanted Bridal pictures but didn't want to pay money to go get the done. She's been married for about a year and she wanted to get pictures while she could still fit in her wedding dress. :] I'll number them and you can comment on what numbers are your favorite.
YAY! I'm done with that. I've been trying to keep myself pre-occupied and not chilling at home for the past while because I have a lot on my mind. And I'll pretty much drive myself crazy if I just am at my house doing nothing.
Well, I'm going to pretend he doesn't read this and I'm going to let out what's on my mind.
I wrote a letter, yes. You all probably know that. I haven't sent it to him because I don't have his e-mail address, which he probably won't give me. But anyway, I don't know what I'm going to try to say to this at all. Because I don't want to sound desperate and start begging for him to talk to me. What the lame? If he wants to talk to me about stuff he can come to ME. I'm done going to him anymore. Except for when I'm done writing that letter and eventually give it to him. But I hope to give it to him before my ultrasound. Honestly, the only thing I want him to be involved in any of my doctors appointments is the ultrasound. I don't know if that's too much to ask for? I mean, whoops. You can't take the time off work to find out what the gender of your baby is? It's something you'll ALWAYS remember and I don't think he'll understand that. It gives me the butterflies to even think about what I might be having (Guesses anyone?). Basically, I'll get the hint if he doesn't go that he's not going to be involved ever. He'll be out of the picture then. I'll make the decision without him and he'll just have to deal with whatever happens. I'm sorry I've laid out all this respect for one person to get NO respect back.
I talked to Nicole's husband, Darrell, who had grown up most of his life without his father. It was really sad to hear the way he talks about it. I wanted to cry and everything he was saying, I was thinking the whole time, "THAT'S WHAT I DON'T WANT TO HAPPEN!" I guess, his dad finally came around by the time he was 16 or 17 and to this dad his dad feels like crap about it. He has no idea how he could ever make it up to him because he never really was a father. He never visited, he never sent birthday cards (even though Darrell waited for them). Not once, did he ever think his parents were going to get back together. He just knew since he was little that that is how it's going to be.
I just had to let that out there.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
First I called the police and they said they don't do it.
The second I called the locksmith to see how much they charged.
The third I called the locksmith again to see what I can pay with and if I can just give them a number on a card. And the guy was like, "Yeah, when my driver gets there, you can pay him." I said, "Well, do you need an address?" And they hung up on me!
HUNG UP! Really?!
So I was too embarrassed to call another time but I did and I was very angry at this guy, but it wasn't even the same guy, so he got offended that I talked sourly to him.
So I'm going to sit around my house until this guy gets here and then I'm going to go hang out with my friend in Provo and watch a movie at her house and chill with her daughter who's 2 months old. SO CUTE.
RuthAnn has a date. Maybe her date will unlock the car so I don't have to pay $44 dollars. Ha.
Let's talk about this so people don't get upset.
I have many stress factors in my life at this moment. Stress to make a decison. Stress to make money. Stress to be successful. Stress from a certain boy who reads my blogs but won't call me. Hm, weird. I never thought of myself to be intimidating. Stress that I feel like I won't get everything done that I want to get done in time. For some reason, I feel stressed that friends want to hang out and I'm like, I'm busy! I'm a bad friend!
So if you get the feeling that I'm being rude to you, just know, it's pregnant hormones. You have done NOTHING to hurt me or bother me.
My birthday is in 10 days. I am doing nothing. Cool.
4 more school days. I passed my State Radiology Test so now I am certified to take X-rays. :]
But I still have 4 more days.
Let's seee. I have one more chapter to do in my book because my teacher insists on doing it together. I have a benchmark (final type test) to take. I have to work on 2 patients on Tuesday and pass off other things I need to do.
Then, I just have my Written, Clinical, and Terminology test and I am DONE.
Well, then I still have probably about 200 more hours of externship.
Just so everyone knows, an externship is an internship without being paid.
I love it.
21 more days until my Ultrasound, I think. Sounds about right.
I'll be 18 weeks along tomorrow. WOOT.
I always have the most random stories from my work, why are all the people from my work obsessed with babies? At the same time, I love a little awkwardness.
This girl asked me if my baby was moving. Go figure, It's only about the size of my palm. I'm clearly just breathing. Ha.
I love the people I work with.
So the pop-a-lock people are here and I feel SO bad. Cause my car is pretty old school. I sport a '95 mercury cougar. And she's having issues with getting the car unlocked. Ha. I feel awful. I'm like, sorry I'm making your life difficult! Yep, this rocks. Atleast I thought it would be easier for them because it's so old and I'm like I'm paying $44 for nothing?! But, it's not nothing now. Ha. Great.
And it snowed yesterday, so it is FREEZING outside. Go Utah. Of course it's the middle of April and it snowed during spring break. Isn't it the perfect time?
My mom tells me that she's never seen someone get locked out of their car so much. I don't even want to talk about the times I get locked out of my car. The one before I had a spare key. But still, people had to drive out to get me and wait until I could get the spare key from someone. I am a difficult person.
I honestly have nothing else to write. I woke up this morning and had a massive bloody nose all the way to work. It was a good feeling.
I think they got my car unlocked. WOOT.
Peace. Thanks for reading this super pointless blog!
Monday, April 13, 2009
This will be the phone conversation. Just so know, I'm awkward when I'm nervous.
N: You called?
Stef: Um, yep. I was just seeing how you were...
Stef: Okay... not really. I wanted to see if you were coming to the ultrasound in May. It's like 3 weeks away but I don't know how busy you are. And I figured I'd tell you now.
*This is me hitting myself in the head for even calling*
N: I don't think I should go.
Stef: What? Why?
N: From what Loni said I think she doesn't want me to go to those.
Stef: Uh, that's funny because I asked her if it was okay to invite you and said it was fine.
N: Oh. I don't know.
Stef: Yep, well, I also wanted to ask you how you were because we never talk.
N: I'm fine.
Stef: Oh. Okay. I'll let you go then. Bye!
How awkward am I?!?! Pleaseeeeeeeeee. I got off the phone and cried because I felt like an idiot for even trying! I hate whining and stuff. I just sound like a little girl throwing a temper tantrum. I told my friend Pheonix Azura (I'm putting up their screennames because I'm not sure if people want to know who they are) that I didn't know what to do. So I ended up writing in a notebook how I felt to get my anger out towards him and my frustration. And I turned it into a letter I was going to never send him. But then it turned out good. So I'm going to talk to Loni on Wednesday about whether or not I should send this letter. It's stupid. :/ I won't post it. It's WAY too personal.
I can get personal with people in private but I am NOT posting for the whole world to see.
I was talking to my old locker partner in the 8th grade and she wanted to know how I told N I was pregnant. I probably posted it in my first blog. But I looked at it and I didn't go into too great of detail about. So I thought I would copy and paste excerpts from my e-mail.
Before we broke up I had an allergic reaction to penicillen because I had a sinus infection and so I took this medicine to make the allergic reaction to go away. The doctor told me my birth control pills might not work so to use other contraceptives. That night we ended up buying a box of condoms. Ha. But we were obviously not faithful to that. After we broke up my allergic reaction came back, and I called my mom (she was in Arizona at the time) and I was like, WHAT IS THIS?! I have not been taking any penicillen! And she thinks it might've just stayed in tissue and it has come above the surface. I said, Oh and I'm supposed to be on my period right now. I'm 3 days late. And she's like, It must just be from the anti-allergy pills. Ha. And I figured she was right. Then on the 21st I went to the doctors and he was going to put me on some medicine then I told him I'm missing my period that I'm a week late. And he thought it was from the medicine and so he had me take a test just in case and he came back and said it was a "pretty" positive test. PRETTY POSITIVE?!?! Either it is or it isn't Sherlock.
He had me take a blood test to confirm it so the next day I found on the results and it was positive. On the day I took the urine test I called N and asked him if I could see him and talked to him on Thursday because I didn't work that day and he said it was fine. But he was a little unsure about it because we had just broken up so later he told me he thought I was trying to get him to get back together with me. But when I said it was "important" he figured it was something bigger than that. I went over there and I still had all of his stuff at my house and so I brought a box over full of his stuff. And he took it from me and he asked me, "So you wanted to talk?" And I said, "yes." We went into his brothers room and sat down and I said, "Well, I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant." And he said, "I figured from my phone call." And I asked him what he wanted to do. He said to me he wasn't sure and that he would pray about it and talk to his bishop. I told him it was fine.
Since I was already over there and my parents knew but his parents didn't that we would tell them right then and he said he would just tell them. He took like two weeks to tell him. It was really annoying. But the first week he was really excited and he said he wanted to help out and be a dad and thought he could do it. But then he stopped returning my calls and I found out he hadn't told his parents so I posted on facebook I was pregnant because I was friends with some of his family and friends. I figured the word would get around. It did. N got on FB later that night after I posted it and he chewed me out and told me I was immature for posting it and told me I needed to grow up and put the baby up for adoption. It hurt. Not lying there.
We didn't talk for about a month then I went to his work. At his work he said in the beginning he was excited and he thought about marrying me but then he thought about what was best for the baby and he figured he wasn't going to be the best dad in the world so adoption is the only way to go. After he got off work he took me out on a date (I call it a date. We used to go to movies all the time and they would be dates.) and told me he wanted to help me out (If adoption he would help buy me maternity clothes-since he never gets pregnant he never has to buy them or get sick. If I kept he would have to figure out what he wanted to do as a father but he would still help pay for maternity clothes.).
Then a week later he stopped returning my calls. And so I went to his work and talked to him after work and he said he talked to his bishop and his bishop told him that we weren't allowed to see each other face-to-face. And he was telling me if I kept the baby he would fight for full custody. Yep. What a winner. I made this story really long. We didn't talk for a month again. Then a few weeks ago he called me on Sunday and told me he wanted to go with me to LDS family services. And I said it was fine. I was really excited he wanted to go to be involved and I was going to give up. Then I didn't hear from him for two weeks. But I found out the next day he went to LDS family services and talked to my caseworker and my caseworker suggest we all meet together.
So that was, two Fridays ago? I don't remember. I put it on my blog though. It was awful. I called him yesterday. I didn't put this in my blog because it would just be me throwing a temper tantrum. But I asked him to go with me to the ultrasound and he said what he got from the session is that he shouldn't go. I told my caseworker that and she was like, "That's funny that he would interpret that because it's completely his choice." I mean, what professional would say that he wasn't allowed to go? I'm about 4 1/2 months pregnant. COME ON. I'm just really sick of him and basically just giving up.
It's hard because I know I won't be able to do it alone financially and of course, if I kept he would pay child support. But the baby does need two parents and that's when adoption would be good and I'm just not a happy person with him. When I think about adoption it breaks my heart and brings me to tears to even think about it ever happening. I have a full on attachment and don't know what to do. I can't exactly give up the things I love. They all kind of go away from me. I really loved N when we were together. But I guess it was different for him. And I don't want this baby to go away from me too. So much love and sacrifice has already gone out to this baby. I'm emotionally drained from the day just thinking about it and what I should do. When it's 4 o' clock in the afternoon I'm about ready to call it a day! I'm so overwhelmed.
Ew, this is why I wouldn't post this on my blog. I sound so whiny! How annoying! Sorry!!
Yep, that was from the e-mail and I apologize again. But that's what's going on. :/
Oh, my mom bought me a book today, "What to Expect when You're Expecting." How cute. I love my mommy!
Funny story of the week: I work with a lot of hispanics. They all know I'm pregnant and they are VERY excited for me. They rub my belly all the time like I'm Buddha. It's great. So one day this older lady was pushing on it and said something in Spanish to her daughter (have I mentioned they're all related?) and her daughter says to me, "That's where your baby is!" And I just look at them and in my most straight face ever I say, "That's definitely my hip."
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Anyway, my crazy dreams, you will think I'm SO weird but I don't get to choose my dreams. The night before my dream was that N and I signed a marriage license at Wal*Mart. I guess we decided to get married at his work. And he didn't believe we were really married so he avoided for a while. Yep. Not a fun dream.
The one last night, N went with me to my ultrasound and I found out I was having a boy. I don't know if my dreams are telling me the future about what I'm having. I've had a few dreams now that I'm having a boy. But it might just be because I would like a boy. But I'll be happy with whatever I have. :]
Last night me and my friend went to the movie Knowing. I thought the ending was REALLY weird. We were just kind of like, Um... okay. Then we went cosmic bowling at Jack&Jill's. I love being able to go out and not have to worry about anything. It's so much fun!
I didn't take any pictures because I forgot my camera!
My birthday is in two weeks. I have NO idea what I'm doing for my birthday. It's on a Sunday. I highly doubt I'll have a party. Maybe I'll go clubbing and just dance. Ha. Or sit at home and eat ice cream cake :] I love it. That sounds SO good right now. Go cravings.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The little girl looks cute with the brown hair. But it's inaccurate because me and N definitely do not have brown eyes. Both of our eyes are blue.
I'm having way too much fun on the website. makemebabies.com
I took a picture and all of a sudden I have popped out a belly!
I'll show you some pictures.
Tonight I'm going out with this girl I met at LDS family services. We're going to go see a movie (Knowing) and then go bowling or something. I'll take some pictures :]
Man, I talked to Loni (my caseworker) yesterday. I miss her. I saw her at our group on Wednesday but I miss talking to her. The blog is nice to write out your feelings but it's always good to talk to someone. She called me yesterday while I was work then I called her back and we talked about how the appointment did not go okay. Ha. She's awesome. I really appreciate her and all that she does, not just for me, but for other girls. It's her job, but she takes out the time in her day to talk to her clients about things and make sure they're doing okay. She rocks. Just a little grateful for her moment there!
Here are the pictures:Sorry, here's some skin for ya. Ha. This is me at 12 weeks.
And this is me from yesterday. 17 weeks. I look more tan in my 12 week photo. Dang it.
I take pictures from both sides because I always forget which side so I can do a little time line thing.17 weeeeeks baby!
Yeah, this post is kind of boring. Nothing really exciting has been going on. Just working and stuff.
Oh, I did talk to a really cute boy today that I used to work with at the other store. It was kind of funny because all we talked about was work. We are LAME.
7 more school days left!
15 more days until my birthday!
And 26 more days until my ultrasound!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
My friend made the video. :p She didn't really know what to listen for. But you can hear my heartbeat really well! Ha. I don't think you can hear the baby's in either video.
But that's okay. :]
In the 1st one we're looking for the heartbeat.
In the 2nd one we just finished hearing the heartbeat and the nurse says it's growing like ti should be. Ha.
I have my next appointment on May 7th. They changed my ultrasound date. It was May 5th but the Ultrasound tech won't be there that day I guess.
I got a postcard in the mail yesterday from Fetal Fotos and they have an office in Salt Lake and with the postcard I get like $10 off the ultrasound. I want to wait and do the 3d or 4d ultrasound when I'm farther along to see what he/she really looks like. :]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! One more month until I find out what I'm having.
It'll probably be the longest month of my life.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
My subject may be confusing but you may be very happy. :] Well,N broke up with me last night. Saturday night. Yes, I'm not a happy person about it. But the reason why he broke up with me was because he wants to focus on himself. He wants to start going back to church. When he told me, I was very understanding of his decision. I was sad that we were breaking up but happy for him to be who he wants to be and find out who he is. And I told him everything I was afraid of. First off, he was scared that I was mad at him for breaking up with me. And I told him I was far from mad and I was more envious of him. To be able to push past his pride and be able to stand up for himself. Things that I've been wanting to do for years. He and I talked about the church. A reason why he wants to go back to church is because before when he was dating other girls he just thought of it as entertainment and not going anywhere. But with me, he thought of marriage and family, and it scared him because he does not have a stable life right now. He doesn't have a job and he's not going to school for anything. And he knows that if he goes back to church that everything will fall into place. He broke up with me was because he knows that he won't be able to withstand the temptation of being around me since we have done things that only married people should do. And I respect him for that. I want him to be able to change his life. I think I respect him more for telling me this than just holding off on our relationship then just drop the news. He told me in person when we broke up. He cares about me enough to tell me in person then to just call over the phone and say it's over. The reasons I am scared is, to find out who I really am. Or to let other people find out who I was and have them judge me. I mean, what guy wants to be with me if he has saved himself, and I haven't? Also, I'm afraid to end up alone. I told N he wasn't very good with timing because I just have lost a lot of friends. I was struggling with some personal issues and decided to end them. And those friends weren't happy about it and left. I guess they weren't my friends in the first place right? So I just felt so alone not really being able to talk to anyone. And then having N break up with me I just felt completely alone. I only felt like one good thing was happening in my life, and it was N. N has helped me through a lot of struggles. J, drugs, and being alone. N has also helped me become a better person to others and hopefully,have a better and stronger family bond. N was talking to me about wanting to have a family being together forever. And there was no moment in my life where I had felt more grateful for knowing about the truth. He was telling me that he didn't just want his family in this life but in the next life as well. When he was telling me this, I knew in my heart, that he was the one that I am supposed to be with. I had something just struck me and tell me. That's what I need in life. Maybe not be with N. But someone like him, someone passionate enough to love his family, to just start all over. N has made me learn a lot of things in life. I didn't think this would be one of them. It has been hard for me to cope with the break up because I care about him a lot. And I thought we were going to get married and I don't know maybe sometime down the road it might happen. He went to church today and I was still pretty bummed. The night before he told me that we could always be friends. And I asked him to promise not to leave me. And he grabbed my face and had me look at him and he said, "I'm not going anywhere. The day you tell me to leave you alone is the day I leave. I'm not leaving you. I'll always care and love you Stefanie." He told me he would love to be with me for the rest of his life, but not just this one either. No matter who he ends up with, that's how he wants it to be. But he also wanted to tell me that we may not be together again. When he called me today before he went to the bishop, I just asked him why he didn't want me to go to church with him, and he said that it didn't work out that way. I haven't spoken with him since he talked with his bishop. But I have done a lot of thinking. I thought about how hurt I was because I didn't want N to go to church. To a singles ward and meet other people and make him forget about me. I didn't want him to forget that I was his friend. And I just kept feeling lonely. I remember that N said to me, Satan works the hardest on the best of us. And it's true. I didn't realize it in the moment until I've had time to look back on it. Satan has taken me in at the most vulnerable times in my life and has ruined me. I never thought I could be the same person I used to be. The morning that N broke up with me, I had an old friend text me and ask me to go party with her and do drugs. And I've been working on that and I had no desire to do anything like that because I was depressed. But, I have been happy to say I've been sober and happy about it for about 3 months. And I didn't know that Satan had that power, it's like he told my friend to ask me at that moment cause he knew exactly what has been happening. Satan also knows how much I've felt alone and insecure about things. I have felt unhappy and felt a piece of me missing. I thought N was the missing piece, but now I'm coming to realize that the piece doesn't come from someone else, it comes from within yourself. I thought about going back to church just for N. To show that I was happy to go back with him and be married and have a forever family with him. But I knew that in my heart it would NEVER work out that way if I did it for him. I'm doing this for myself. I asked dad for a fathers blessing about 2 hours ago. Ever since last night I've been non-stop crying. But after the blessing I haven't shed a tear. Yes, I've teared up. But not one little drop has left my eye. Ha. For this next week, I'm working on myself and where I stand in my faith. I'm going to be praying and trying to wake up early to work out (I've been getting fat :P ) (pregnancy fat)and feel good about myself and study some scriptures. I have not told N anything about this, and I don't plan on it. Because it's not for him. It's for me. I have never had a feeling this right before. It's like what I'm supposed to do. I've been talking to a few friends that have been struggling about going back to church but wanting to go. And when I told them that's what I'm going to do, I set an example for them. Like N had set for me. They are going to try their hardest like I am. I'm happier now so that way when you come home from your mission that I won't feel like I'm hiding anything or that you'll judge me from all the bad that I'm doing and that I'm actually going to be doing good. I'm sorry this letter is so long and that you have to write everyone back and stuff. But I just thought I would let you know what was going on. And I've always known that the church was true. I've had it hidden in my heart and it just wasn't ready to come out until someone had to make it come unhidden by their testimony and their strength. I hope to strengthen mine and become a better person than I am right now. And to not be afraid to find out who I am. I'm so happy for what you're doing for the Lord because people need to know the truth and feel this happiness as well. Thank you.
I know it's hard for someone of you to grasp the real feeling, but I challenge you to find your inner happiness and what makes you happy. It may be God, praying, your family, or yourself. And I know most of you are like, "N's stupid, do this by yourself." If you took the heart and time to read that letter. You know it wouldn't be without him that I'd have the courage to tell you all about having my own "conversion" story. I was BIC (born in the covenant) but I call it my conversion story because I never really learned for myself why the church has been important.
I wrote that letter on January 11th, I found out I was pregnant January 23rd.
P.S. sorry the font is so small. If you want you can copy and paste it and make the font bigger. If I make it bigger you won't be able to read all of it.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Today I didn't go to my extern, someone made me stay up really late last night! Ha. So I thought about going to West Ridge (it's the school I graduated from) and seeing people but there was only one or two people I would see that I knew. It's near Salt Lake. :[ I'll just have to visit them soon. I ended up calling one of my friends from West Ridge who had her baby about two months ago. I would post pictures of her baby but I don't think she wants them posted for the whole world to see, people would be jealous. ;]
Then afterwards I applied for a job at Western Wats, it's a call center. But I'm thinking I'll be huge soon and I don't think I want to be up and running around at the Dubs (it's a fast food place where I work now) being 8 months pregnant! But I could change my mind.
I went to school at 6. And I've been dreading going to school because I've been feeling like it's taking forever to get done and that I'll never finish. I'm supposed to have 450 classroom hours and 300 extern hours. An externship is an unpaid internship. I have 12 for observation hours. Then I started on the 23rd of March at my general dentist's office. Altogether I have 32 hours (I've been sick for the last week, okay! And unmotivated! HA). So I have 10% of my hours done. I have to have half of my hours at a general dentist and half at a specialty. The specialty I am choosing is...
I was going to do pediatric dentist but that's the same hours of a general dentist and if I keep my baby, I'm probably not going to be happy seeing my baby 6 weeks straight to not seeing it at all for 9 hours. And at an orthodontics office it's slow in the morning and more concentrated on one patient because they're either putting on or taking off braces. Then in the afternoon you're just debanding and re-adjusting wires (I'm sure it's a harder job then it sounds but I'll make it work). So I've been thinking to work in the afternoon because time goes by faster and they need more people working around that time. And I think it'd be perfect. And I think I'm also excited to do it because we did a LONG chapter tonight on Orthodontics.
I figured out my hours and I only go Monday-Thursday each week to school and it's 4 hours a night. I've been doing that since August. And I've had like 140 hours from last year. So it SAVED me. We figured out my hours and started tomorrow is the countdown when I'm done with school. 10 more days! Can I just list the days I have school? It just makes me excited to write it out :] April 7-9. 13-15. (16th is spring break) 20-23. And I'm DONE!!! YAY!!!
So after the 23rd I can start working nights at the Dubs and make more money, save, and pay off my car debt, (and my ticket). Yep, I got a stop sign violation ticket last Wednesday. Incredible. I did a rolling stop. I just looked to see if anyone was coming so they weren't so I went and there was a cop hiding in the dark. YES. I LOVE them. This was my 2nd time being pulled over. My first time was because my license plate light was out and I was FREAKING out. It was my first time ever being pulled over and I didn't know why. Yep. The 2nd time I was more chill. But I got a ticket. :[
Anyway, so with my extern hours I'll probably try and find an ortho office on Wednesday after my doctors appointment. I will work in the mornings for my general dentist from 8-lunch (around 1) Then work at the ortho office from 2-4 (or 5 until their last patient) and do that Monday-Thursday. Incredibleeeeeee.
I feel a lot more happy and motivated to know almost everything is done and coming into place. I figured out that if I did monday through wednesday 8-5 I would be done with my hours the beginning of July. But adding on an extra day I'll probably done by mid June. Between the week of the 22-25 I should be done. I totally just figured that out. Ha. I'm so lame.
Anyway, I did take some new pictures of my belly at 16 weeks. :]
I've been sick so I'm skinnier :[
I was listening to Dawson McAllister last night on 97.1 and he said something that sounded pretty real and true to me. He said, "We're wired to carry other peoples burdens besides our own." That's pretty much me. I try to help other people out as much as I can, or sometimes I don't even try to. I said that quote to someone today and they said, "Can I just disconnect you somehow so you can be happy all the time?" I like to put peoples happiness before my own happiness and that's what gets me feeling stuck most of the time.
I think that's how I feel with this whole situation with N. I get all the time, it's YOUR decision with YOUR baby. N doesn't have to be involved at all. But if people ever saw N the way I do, it hurts him to not know how to be involved. So I try as much as I can to make him be involved and put him first when I need to do other things first. :/
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Well, I got to LDS family services and was waiting for Loni to call me back. And N walked in. He sat next to me but didn't say hi. Like two minutes later I did to fill the silence. There was other people in the lobby but he didn't say anything.
Loni took us back. And we sat down and first we talked about what we both wanted. N went first and said he still wanted adoption because he believed it was best for the baby. Then it was my turn and I said I didn't know what I wanted to do yet but I wanted to figure it out for myself instead of just doing what people told me.
Then she went back and forth about pros and cons for adoption and single parenting.
My pros for adoption: To find a good family to raise my baby in the gospel and give my baby the life that I probably wouldn't be able to provide for it right away.
His pros: Basically the same thing.
My cons: I don't want the baby to lose it's identity and hate me or not want to talk to me because I wouldn't really be in it's life. And I would be afraid of finding and placing my baby with a bad family.
His cons: Just the family part.
My pros for single parenting: Having the baby grow up and with me and know it's mother and be able to care for him/her or take care of him/her.
His pros: Getting to know the baby I guess? Ha. I don't really remember.
My cons: Not being able to provide everything financially at first. Living pay check to pay check most likely.
His cons: He didn't want to give the baby false hope like if he came to visit for like a birthday party or something he didn't want the baby to think his parents would be getting back together.
Then she asked us for the pros and cons of us getting married or not getting married. Ugh, this was hard and frustrating because I had no idea that she would ask us this. And she said she normally doesn't do this.
My pros: The baby having two parents. And knowing the parents.
His pros: Same thing.
My cons: He doesn't have feelings for me anymore so it would be wrong to be together just because we're having a baby.
His cons: We both want different things so it wouldn't work.
Oh and she also asked us the pros and cons of our relationship before.
My pros: We got along and it felt like a pretty trustworthy relationship.
His pros: We had an easy going relationship and we didn't argue and we got along fine.
My cons: He didn't have a job while we were together and he got one after we did.
His cons: Things changed and we wanted different things.
Basically what he said about single parenting that he would pay child support and want part custody and stuff. And that he still cared about me but he's trying to figure out his life and go back to school so it wouldn't be a good time to get married right now. Or he probably just doesn't even want to marry me.
I felt like it was an awful session. I'm not going to lie. It's not because I didn't get to "hear everything I wanted." I guess he said something and he turned to me and he's like, "You're mad about what I said. I can tell." And I said I wasn't mad. Then Loni was like, "Stefanie, what's making you mad?" What I can tell you that makes me mad is that people accuse me of being mad. I had unanswered questions and feelings. So it was hard for me to know how I was feeling or say the right things at the right time.
I guess he wants to be involved that's why he doesn't want to give up his rights as a father. And also, I said to him that I didn't want him to feel like the baby was a burden or just a pay check you had to pay every month. He said it wouldn't be like that but I can't prove it. All I get to do is sit around and wait for things to happen or whenever he feels like being involved. He told me the reason why he was abandoning before was because he didn't know what to say most of the time or give me false hope like we would get back together or he would hurt me again. And all I said, No matter what you do, if you sit around and do nothing, you will hurt me. If you be involved, you will hurt me, you don't win either way but that's life.
Or it came out like that. Ha. I hope.
Anyway, we're not allowed to see each other or hang out (not like we were anyway) but if I call him it has to be a legitimate reason or about the baby. And if he doesn't answer when I call he has 24-72 hours to call me back. And the same for me to him.
Ugh, I've just been emotionally exhausted the past couple of days and don't even want to face the world. I ended up going out with my friend Joy and I told her not to mention to me at all that I'm pregnant. I was really upset that I didn't even want to think about it.
And I've been taking some medicine for anti-nausea and it makes me really tired. And I worked a 9 1/2 hour shift today. Go general conference!
Well, that's the story of the appointment. No biggie to you. But to me, it's a whole other ball game.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I'm still semi-sick. I ended up having to call my OB/GYN and the nurse called back and gave me a prescription for anti-nausea medicine because I was having a hard time keeping everything down. I couldn't even hold down water. I didn't even have bad morning sickness at all my first trimester. Then all of a sudden I'm sick. But my little sister did have the flu. So I probably caught some of that. But I'm getting better and hope to be well on my feet on Monday for work and school.
Well, I went to my group yesterday. It was a single parent panel and so single parents came and talked to us and answered questions. One girl was 16 the other was in her 20's.
Let's see. After the group, I talked to my caseworker, Loni. And so it's official that me, her, and N are meeting tomorrow for a session. But I am scared out of my mind! I asked her what everything they talked about and stuff. And I guess he didn't really say a lot. He asked her if I was going to single parent. And she told him I was looking at that but wasn't for sure. Then asked him what he would do if I did that. And he said that he would help pay money but he probably wouldn't ever want visitation. Loni thinks he's pretty much settled on that, even after the baby is born. She doesn't think he'll change his mind. But I broke out in tears when I heard her say that. It just hurts my heart that he would do that to his own child. Basically, feel like the only responsibility he has is to pay child support.
I mean, what do I say tomorrow without getting mad at him just walking out? I guess he told her he feels bad about jumping ship but he feels like he won't be a good father. Well, especially cause he started working at Wal*Mart in January and still wants to go back to school. Yes, he wants a family and to get married but not anytime soon. I just don't want him to regret later when he does get married and have a family and his wife goes through it. I don't want him to think of how much he missed out.
There's days where it's hard for me to be excited to have a baby. And those are the toughest to try to make it through the day.
I honestly don't know what to say tomorrow to him. I'm just going to have to pray lots for the next few hours to find the right words to say without being angry. :/
Wish me luck and maybe a few prayers would be nice! Ha.
Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.