Monday, November 1, 2010

1.Car Anology

I promised a good post. So here it is.

Mrs. R talked about how she went to the FSA conference in 2007 and the teacher gave this anology.
the car analogy.
a young man and a young woman are out on the lawn outside of a very busy street.
the child they are both responsible for runs out into the street. at the same time the couple becomes aware that there is a car coming at a very high rate of speed. there is no chance that the child will not get hit. the car is coming much too fast.

the couple as four options.
1.they can do nothing and watch the child get hit and killed by the car. the psychological memory of this inaction burned in their minds forever.
this is abortion.

2.they can both jump out and sandwich the child between them to brace the child for the collision. if they can stay together, there is minimal injury to the child. however, there is a 80-90% chance that they will split upon impact. this is couples that try to stay together and/or get married because of a crisis pregnancy. of the parents can jump out in front of the car by themselves. injuries to the child are more substantial.
this is single parenting. or both of the parents and run out into the street and push the child out of the way of the speeding car and into the outstretched arms of a couple on the other side of the street.
this is adoption.

however, even with adoption, the birth parents always get hit by the car.
i imagined myself in this analogy, watching this wreck happen. mr. r and i were not the cause of the wreck. we are begging to be part of the solution with open arms and hearts. once tyson was pushed out of the way of the speeding car, we watched his sweet birth mother get hit by the car and his birth father turn his back and walk away.
but, what do we do?
do we take the child and run away?
do we rush to her side to try and help her?
do we call 911?
how do we help this birth mother heal?
collisions like this are happening everyday, in every stake and in every neighborhood.
for every 16 adoptions there are 1,000 unwed births.
for every 17 adoptions there are 1,000 abortions.

I had never heard this anology before and it brought me to tears. I will definitely be using this in the high school presentations. The visual of reading it just leaves such an impact. And especially when I visualize my story. I could NEVER let Olivia get hit by a car or get hurt. I would willing let that car hit me if it saves her life. And I did. And I wasn't alone.

How many A-fams are like Mr. and Mrs. R that want to run to the aid of the birthparents? How many are the ones that turn your back to the accident and pretend it never happened? That all that matters is your baby is safe? And watch us as we bleed and cry out in agony? Do you care enough for the people who pushed that little baby into your arms? Will you ever wonder what happened to them if you didn't help them?

I know some of you aren't sure of what to do to help. Maybe sometimes we do just need a minute to recover ourselves. Try and clean up the wounds on our own. Or maybe we just need to look back at the accident and realize that it was for the best. Even though, its hard to look back at it sometimes. We just have to see that our child is safe and unharmed. That's what we wanted in the first place. Would you be willing to give us that peace?

I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with Taylor Swift. It may be one sided. But she shares such great music with everyone. :) There is a song called Never Grow Up. To me, it's a song to Olivia.

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I tuck you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny

You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And, you're mortified
Your mom's dropping you off
At, fourteen there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But, don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too

And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJ's getting ready for school

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad get's home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said

And all your brothers favorite songs
I just realized everything I had is someday gonna be gone

 So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never (had to) grow up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even you want to
Please, try to never grow up

Whether I like it or not. I know you're going to grow up. Don't take anything for granted. Your birthparents love you and wanted what was best for you. And hurting ourselves was what was best to give you everything you wanted so you didn't have to be hurt. We loved you enough to be hit by that car and put you in the arms of new parents and a brother who love you too. They will take care of you. And we'll always be here. No matter what.


  1. This is really a beautiful post. I really liked it but there is only one thing that I think all people need to remember. Adoptive parents split and get divorced too. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Some people can marry and make it. Others can't. Again, it's really beautiful post.

  2. Beautiful post. It brought me to tears.

  3. oh man! so lucky to have read this tonight. what a fabulous post!

    and "birthmothertalks" i have read a lot of research on that topic. here's a little something form that may give some insight:

    Myth: Adoptive parents are more likely to divorce.

    Fact: There is no evidence to support this and in fact, there is reason to believe that the opposite is true. Adoptive parents undergo a great deal of scrutiny individually and as a couple during the homestudy process. If a marriage is on shaky ground, the agency will recommend against adoption and reject the application. Further, most adoptive and many foster parents have experienced infertility and have longed for and struggled emotionally and financially to become parents. If the marriage survives the stress of infertility, it is logical to assume that the adoptive parents will work very hard to keep the marriage and the family intact.

  4. ...and the taylor swift comment was hilarious!

  5. oh this was just beautiful! Thank you for sharing!

    (oh and I know you don't know who I am...I found you through Mrs. R) :)

  6. I never said that all adoptive parents split and get divorced too. It could happen though. The couple that adopted my daughter are still married after all these years and that does make me very happy, but divorce could happen. I have only a few examples in my life of couple making it for forever. Most of them, have been my clients who got married before it was even common for divorces to even happen. My parents split after 16 years of marriage and my first husband's marriage ended shortly after the children were 18 years of age.
    When birthparents lose their children to adoption and marry.. you would think that they been through so much that they would work very hard to keep the marriages intact too but I think sometimes it's common for birthmothers to marry the first person that comes along after an adoption and settle for less. I know that I did it and that's why we divorced after 11 years and it just didn't bother me. Except for the damage done to the children.

  7. Oh this just brought me tears. Beautiful.