Start off with some good news. Jazz beat the Cavaliers!
The rookie (Gaines) on the Jazz team made a 3 pointer and the ending score came to be 97 to 96.
An intense game :)
I went to my post placement group tonight and we kind of talked about self worth and things. And for me, I've struggled with dealing that I am good enough that I have worth. D&C 18:10- Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.
I made the comment in group that our self worth is kind of based off of other people. Sometimes it's hard being a birth mom. You almost feel ashamed of your past. I mean, people can look at you and be like, "Oh you got knocked up?" You don't know the situation.
It was hard for me to tell Tayler about Olivia at first. It took a while to finally work up the courage and just be like, "Hey. I had a daughter and placed her for adoption." He said to me after I told him that, he thought about not talking to me after that then had the feeling that he should keep talking to me. And I'm grateful that he did. He always says to me, "What's in your past is in your past. Keep it that way. I forgive you for your past and see what effort you're making for your future."
He said another thing that he wishes that he had met me earlier and how much more happy he would be being with me. But I told him, if he met me a few years back. I was a psycho. He wouldn't have wanted to be with me. I'm a totally different person.
But going along with people can judge you for being a birth mom. They can physically see you pregnant out of wedlock and feel sorry for you. Or think you're a slut.
Go ahead and say it, "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart." Samuel 16:7 King James Version
Physically, I was pregnant but no one will ever experience and the change of heart that I had so drastically just from having Olivia. I had one of the most humbling experiences just having Olivia. If I hadn't have placed or looked into adoption. I don't think I'd be the same person that I am right now. Such as making goals for myself to become temple worthy.
Only you and the Lord can have this experience.
A girl in my group tonight. I hadn't seen her come before but I work with her sister. And I was so impressed with what she said. And I'm excited to get to that point. She placed her daughter 2 1/2 years ago. And she was saying there is no reason to be ashamed of what happened in your past. With having a baby and placing for adoption. I don't want my daughter to think that I am ashamed of her and can't talk about her. I love my daughter as if she was my own.
She said that she used to not be okay with it and has finally come to terms. She's realized that she can sleep at night knowing that her daughter is happy and with who she's supposed to be with. That she had the experience that she saw her daughter with her parents come out of the temple sealed as an eternal family and that she just burst into tears. And at that moment she realized that God was letting her know that was her family.
Right after group there was a couple chat night? I'm not exactly sure what they call it but they had an "Ask a Birthmom" panel. So me and Alyssa were apart of it and 3 other birth moms. It was a bit nerve wrecking to have all of these questions thrown at you because I honestly don't feel like an expert in the adoption department. But it was just so amazing to feel how much love they have for birth moms.
They mostly just asked about what they should have on their profile and things and what sort of openness girls want.
I don't remember how we got on topic about this but I think it was something like the girls were saying that they wanted the adoptive mom to follow through everything about their pregnancy because they would never get to experience that. And I made the comment that I didn't want to step on any toes and I didn't know if that would hurt an adoptive mom to listen to a girl talk about her pregnancy and that's the only way that she'd know about her baby. But it's kind of the same way with birth moms just after the baby is born. They get to hear from the adoptive family about their baby through e-mail or whatever communication they have.
An adoptive mom expressed this, "I wanted to tell my birth mom every single detail. But I didn't know that would hurt her if just saying her baby was doing good or give out details."
And at that comment I wanted to cry. I didn't realize that's what I needed to hear. I didn't know that's what I needed until I heard that. I get emotional talking about it. I wrote D&V an e-mail about it. It's not their fault at all. I didn't realize it until now that I wanted to know every detail about Olivia.
I wanted to know if she's more smiley. If she keeps rolling over. If she's starting to giggle. If she can sit up on her own yet. If not for how long can she.
Of course, I don't want an update everyday. Maybe just a weekly one. But I've just felt like I've missed out on the past 4 months of her life. I mean, normal moms when they are asked how their babies are doing. They can say it right off the bat. For myself, I honestly didn't know. I would just say she's really good. I couldn't tell them that she has been sleeping through the night. That she has been starting to giggle.
Val is so sweet and e-mailed me back tonight. I guess they're awake and she wrote back to me quickly. I was just surprised. I'd like to think she was in tune with the Spirit. Haha.
She was just saying that she's super cautious and didn't know what to send me if it would make me sad or not but now it makes it easy for her.
Olivia had her 4 month doctor appointment on Wednesday (10 days early). She is 14 lbs 1 oz- 50 percentile. She's gained exactly 7 pounds since she's been born. 24 inches long- 75 percentile. And added on 3 inches.
Olivia hasn't been doing so well in car rides. She asked the doctor if maybe it's car sickness. The doctor said that it probably wasn't and that she just doesn't like cars.
I guess the doctor commented several times that she is very strong and that she's going to be a mobile girl.
Also, I talked to Tayler right after I sent the e-mail. He called me right in the middle when I was writing it and I was still emotional. I mean, I just don't want to be a bother or put pressure on D&V AT ALL. And Tayler was just really sweet and let me cry and tried to cheer me up. He really is a great boyfriend (the link is to Alyssa's blog he answered some questions) and I'm grateful that he's so understanding of the situation.
Less than 12 hours that I can go see him.
Well, I also wanted to add that I do enjoy reading couples who are looking to adopt blogs. I follow them and things or couples who have been blessed through adoption. I wanted to make the links on the side of my blog. And I want to get the word out that you're looking to adopt. If you are, shoot me an e-mail with your blog.
I want to help any adoptive family out there looking because you all deserve a family. Or if you have any questions. Just ask. :) I'm willing to answer questions.
Yes, I know I've been slacking in the blog department these days. I've been preoccupied as of talking to my wonderful boyfriend aka Tayler. Or trying to plan trips to see him. And working really hard to make money. Also a lot of family drama going on as well.I've really been struggling to think about what I should write. I guess I'll kind of update you on the holidays. So when Olivia was out here I got to see her on the 17, 23, 27, and on the 4.
The 17th I had to work earlier that day and I guess I just asked for the wrong day off. And so they came over when I got off of work and we just kind of chilled. Dustinn and Val had to pick their family up from the airport so just only for a few hours.
The 23rd, we went to the mall. Me and Olivia got pictures with Santa.
On the 27, they came over and we had dinner with my family. I got to see Olivia roll over and see lots of big smiles. She is seriously SO grown up.
I had a comment made to me that was, "That's what baby's do. They grow up."
Thank you Mr. Insensitive.
When you get to see your daughter 3 months after she's born. It's a given that she'll grow up. But it's different that I don't get to watch it everyday. I didn't get to see her first big smile. I didn't get to see her roll over for the first time. I won't be able to hear her first real laugh.
It's a shock. The first time since they were out here when she was born. I tried holding her like a newborn and she would just stiffen up. I couldn't hold her like a newborn. She didn't like that anymore. At times, I wish I had my newborn Olivia back just so I can hold her and cuddle with her. I do now. But it's just going to be different every time.
I went out to Boise for New Years. I flew out on New Years Eve. Tayler had to work that night so his roommate picked me up from the airport. He made a sign that said, "Mrs. Stefanie Despain." He came over to me and asked, "Is this you?"
Maybe in the future. Ha.
So I hung out with his roommate and his girlfriend and there was this party put on by the institute at BSU. There were a ton of things going on. They had two dance floors, bowling, pool, just random things. I got cotton candy. Probably the best thing of the night.
Tayler didn't get off work until 1. His roommate dropped me off at his work and that's when I got my New Years kiss. Woohoo.
We stayed up until about 4. We watched Paranormal Activity. He couldn't sleep at all that night, he says.
I'm having a really bad memory right now.
I know on New Years Day that Tayler had to work at 4. We went out to lunch and then we went grocery shopping. I made them dinner two nights that I was out there. New Years Day I made meatloaf.
The next day Tayler had work off and we went out to Olive Garden then went back to his apartment. We also went to his roommate's brothers house and played Rock Band and Phase 10.
On Sunday, I went to Tayler's singles ward and met his bishop. I also bore my testimony in relief society. I couldn't do it in front of everyone. I got too nervous.
I made stew for dinner that night. And we played Cranium and watched Tough Love.
Monday we flew back out to Utah together. Actually, not really together. The flight was REALLY crowded so he sat at one of the end of the plane and I sat at the other end.
Tayler got to meet Dustinn, Val, and Olivia. And it was magical.
The 4th was also a magical day since Boise State beat TCU in the Fiesta Bowl! Go Broncos! ;)
He's very proud of the fact that he was able to get her to go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure she likes him.
I know you want all the magical details about Tayler. I feel really blessed to have met Tayler and have him in my life.
I look back at a year ago today. I would just barely be getting over my break up with Nic. We broke up on January 10, 2009. I didn't even realize it until January 12. It's been a whole entire YEAR.
I never would've thought that I would be the person that I am today and a lot of it has to do with Olivia and how much she has impacted my life. Just from Nic, that one experience of getting pregnant, I have a closer relationship with God and I'm excited to think about having an eternal family of my own. I get excited thinking about that day. I get excited for the day that I'll be married to the love of my life and it will be for eternity- not just until death do us part.
One night I was just having a really bad night. And Tayler just says to me out of the blue, "Stefanie, you're one of the strongest girls I know. You had a baby. You placed your daughter for adoption. If it was me in that situation, I don't think I'd be able to do that. But you did. You are strong willed and determined. Just showing what you did for your daughter, you'll be the greatest mother someday."
He tends to say the things that I need to hear. Or things just to make me smile.
I understand that you some of you might be concerned that me and Tayler might be moving too fast. We're going out our own pace that is comfortable with us. So I'm sorry that you can't support us and feel the need to break us up. The one guy that makes me honestly, truly, happy and you're the only one that doesn't see it. Maybe you should form your own opinion, instead of your boyfriends. Yeah, I'm just a bit bitter. The damage is already done.
He stayed in Utah until the 7th. On the 5th, we went to the mall and I used my American Eagle gift card on new jeans and t-shirt. I.E. picture above.
We went and saw Avatar in 3d that night.
On the 6th, we went to 5 guys, then to the mall again (I forgot to bring my papaya gift card with me) and went shopping a little bit more. Some jewelry shopping. ;)
We went and saw It's Complicated that night with my friend Joy. She's 18 weeks pregnant and she's having a boy! I'm so excited for her!
Speaking of pregnancy- not me, of course. But I went to the expectant parent group that night and there was a girl there that was 26 weeks pregnant. She's having a girl. And I just had the urge to just want to feel a baby kick. I MISS being pregnant. I know, sounds crazy because when I was pregnant I missed the random things. Being able to sleep on your stomach. Being able to eat whatever the heck you want without getting heartburn.
I was trying to feel her baby kick/move and I just wanted to burst into tears. I really can't wait for the day that I can have babies of my own with my husband. To have him feel our future child together kick and move and to have me realize that I can actually ENJOY being pregnant. I don't have to dread the day that I give birth because I won't have to let go of my baby. Ever.
There's my new blog post.
Tomorrow- Jazz vs. Cavs! I SO wish I was going to that game.
It's going to be intense. I'm faithful to the Jazz but... Cavaliers are pretty much the best in the NBA.
Also tomorrow after the post placement group I'm doing a panel for adoptive couples. It's like a, "Ask a birthmom" panel. I'm stoked. I haven't done anything since the high school presentation and stuff.
Friday- I'm going out to see Tayler. We're meeting halfway in Burley and we're going to Idaho Falls so I can meet his dad. I'm NERVOUS. But excited to see him again. :)