I wish I had pictures to show you guys but they're all on Dustinn and Val's camera. Today has been a really off day for me. I probably haven't had a day like this in a long time.
A part of me has felt that I'm starting over in the grieving process. But a part of me has moved on and I'm genuinely happy for the J family.
Tayler couldn't make it to the blessing because he worked late Saturday night and works early Monday morning. I didn't think it was a big deal but it ended up being a big deal to me. I invited some friends. One had a work. The other got sick and then another one was going to ride with the "sick one" haha. So. I had no friends. And my sisters all decided to sleep in (They had a pretty busy week, I understand. I was just mad in the moment). So it was just me and my parents.
Before anyone asks, Yes. Nic was there. If you haven't heard. He's engaged. He brought his fiance. Who brought her whole family. We're civil. That's all. Haha. Atleast. I try to be. Or genuinely caring about what's going on their life. But that's about it.
It was sweet though. She was blessed at D&V's branch (their family has a cabin). We got there and Val asked me to help her put on Olivia's blessing dress. And I sat next to D&V and had Olivia a lot of the time. Val's family all spoke today in Church and they were all wonderful talks :) Olivia's blessing dress was a simple but beautiful white dress. It looked darling on her.
The blessing was at the beginning and I didn't realize how emotional I was going to be. I almost started crying on the way up. Then once Church had started and Val's oldest brother came in she whispered to me, "I'm going to cry." And I started tearing up. I wrote down bits and pieces of Olivia's blessing. But it was sweet. When all the men came up to bless her. Val's mom put her arm around me and started to cry and said, "She's so beautiful." Hello. Welcome water works.
Seriously. The most tender blessing from a father to his daughter. It's beautiful. Dustinn had brought her back. And she was crawling over Val and reached for me and hugged me. And just snuggled with me for what seemed like a lifetime. I didn't want her to stop. (I told Tayler about it and he said it was like she was saying thank you)
This whole day has just been a rollercoaster ride for me. On the ride down from the canyon. I couldn't stop bawling. I had to supress my screams for prayers to feel at peace with everything that had happened that day. I felt out of place yet that everything that happened was right. I was torn. Completely. My heart was in two. My grief to just love her and care for her as her mother was all there again. But my heart was so full and grateful for this opprotunity for Dustinn and Val to have their family eternally.
I remember sitting in the pews and watching my mom hold Olivia. The thought ran across my mind and I tried to imagine if this is what it would've been like if I would've parented. Not so much the heartache but my heart being full of love. But it was just such an unsettling feeling for me. That everything was rightfully in it's place for her. That there IS a plan in store, not just for Olivia. But for all of us. Especially me.
I talk to my sister a lot about this. It's hard to feel support from others when all you hear is their judments. The whole "not getting married in the Temple" thing. Or "I'm settling for a civil marriage" thing. Things were meant to be hard for me. I've always felt that and I've known that. I was talking to a friend the other day about that. That even though somedays I wished that things would've been easy for me. That everything was just served to me on a silver platter which it seems like everyone's life around me is. Everyone in the Mormon community. That no one has sinned and no one has been in my place and they all lead perfect lives. But at the same time I question, would I be as grateful if I didn't have the trials that I've had? Would I be as emotionally mature enough to handle things if adversity did come my way eventually? I may not have picked the easiest life for myself. But it's something I won't take for granted because I have learned so much not just about myself. But about the love my Savior has for me and for my birthdaughter.
I have learned so much what I need to do to get myself to the Temple. It sure has hell isn't easy. I can't just one day be cured. I have to work hard. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I know I haven't made perfect choices. But everyone has consequences. I'm not complaining about them one bit. It was all MY choice. I can't blame anyone else but myself. I'm doing everything I can to make things right. I'm facing them instead of ignoring them. There is a lot in store for me that I don't know about but I'm excited to see where I am a few years from now.
I called Tayler after. I felt bad because on the drive home I was still upset and he asked me to tell him all about it. I felt gyped. I was like, "No. I shouldn't have to tell you. You should've been there." But I needed a few to calm down. I called him when I got home and told him everything. He pretty much just started crying. He was saying, "I'm so happy for Dustinn and Val. I'm happy that you were able to see all of that happen. It's because of you this happened for them. I'm proud of you and what you've done for them."
AAAAAAAAAAA. Tayler. Why do you always make me cry? haha. Seriously. Here come the water works again. He seriously is the best. I don't know how many times a day that I tell him that. But I try to tell him about a trillion times. He amazes me. He is my biggest support. I'm sad that he couldn't make it out today but he'll be here for the sealing on the 23rd of this month. I'm hoping that it'll be a little bit better and that I'll have a shoulder cry on after. Haha.
I'm truly grateful to know my little one. And to know how blessed she truly is and how awesome of parents she has. I have so many people tell me that she is one of the happiest baby's that they have ever seen. And I think it has to do a lot of how uplifting and how positive their whole family is. I couldn't ask for a better family.
I love you, Dustinn, Valery, Bradshaw and Olivia.
Congrats. You're all so lucky to have each other. And I'm lucky to be apart of all the magic that went on today. Thank you for sharing it with me.
BTW. My next post will be my 200th post. What should I write about? :)