Wednesday, December 30, 2009

End of the Year & Resolutions

I look back on this whole year of 2009 and it has gone by incredibly fast! While I was pregnant, I was ready to beat people in the face because it was going by so slow. I wanted Olivia here... and now she is. 3/4 of this year I was pregnant. That's INSANE.

2009 End of the Year Survey

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?: Turned 19. Bought a car. Had a baby.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: I don't remember making any this year. But I definitely have some for 2010.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: Besides myself, a few friends that I've met from LDS Family Services, and my sister Erika.

4. Did anyone close to you die?: My grandma.

5. What countries did you visit?: No countries. I did visit the wonderful states of: Idaho, Virginia, Maryland, Oregon, Washington, and Utah.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?: A better/steady job. And money. And my own place.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: September 23, Olivia's birth.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: Bought my own car. Gave birth.

9. What was your biggest failure?: Not being able to finish my Dental Assisting hours this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?: illness: Sinus infection and strep.

11. What was the best thing you bought?: My Car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?: No idea.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?: Birth father.

14. Where did most of your money go?: Uhhh. Car payments, Phone bill, Parents.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?: Having Olivia. Meeting/Seeing Tayler. BYU vs. Utah game.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?: Tik Tok.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: Um. I'm happier with who I'm with this time.
ii. thinner or fatter?: The same.
iii. richer or poorer?: Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Saved money

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?: Spending.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?: I spent it with my fambam.

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2009?: Um. I don't remember anything in particular. It kind of bothered me that everyone happened to walk in while I was spread eagle giving birth. Someone should've warned people not to look. It's not a sight that I want everyone to see. Come on.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?: I fell out of love with an ex. I fell in love with my daughter. I've fallen in love with my current boyfriend.

23. How many one-night stands?: None. Thanks.

24. What was your favorite TV program?: Gossip Girl.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: I don't hate him. I just am not happy with him as happy as I was last year with him.

26. What was the best book you read?: Catching Fire.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: Between The Trees.

28. What did you want and get?: Kitten, Car and an amazing boyfriend.

29. What did you want and not get?: Olivia... sort of. ha. Laptop.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?: 500 Days of Summer.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: Turned 19. I got Jasper for my birthday. Um. I think I went to Church on my birthday and had family come over. That's it.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Um, not being pregnant. haha.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?: Whatever I can afford to buy that doesn't look incredibly horrifying.

34. What kept you sane?: Olivia, Tayler, Blogging, Groups, Work.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: No one really.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?: Don't pay attention to politics.

37. Who did you miss?: Ollie and Tay Tay. (:

38. Who was the best new person you met?: Tayler (:

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Money management. Wait until you're married to have babies. God is always there for you.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I can't breathe without you but I have to breathe without you, but I have to..." Taylor Swift- Breathe.

My resolutions this year:

Become temple worthy.
Go to Church every Sunday.
Bear my testimony every testimony meeting (It's only 12 times a year. Come on.)
Read my scriptures every night.
Get a dental assisting job.
ACT. (I haven't done it yet)
Go back to school.
Get out of debt.
Save money.
Move out and get an apartment.

For New Years I'm flying out to Boise and I'll be with Tayler for a few days. We fly back together on the 4th and he's meeting Olivia. (: I'm SO excited. Then he's staying until the 7th.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas (:

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Jesus was adopted today (:

Congrats to a friend of mine who had her baby yesterday,
she's placing her son with a wonderful family.
I hope she spends a beautiful Christmas with her son.
My prayers are with her.

Happy birthday to Bree's birthson today!
She placed him 8 years ago.

Adoption REALLY is all about LOVE.

I got to see Olivia on her 3 month mark.
We got a picture with a mall Santa.
Pictures to come SOON.

6 days until my Christmas present (:

I just wanted to share this poem that Bree wrote for her birthson, which I think is beautiful.
I cry every time I read it.
I hope she doesn't mind that I post this.

The morning I'll always remember
was a cold and wintry one
Others awoke to gifts under a tree
I never slept awaiting a son
That Christmas morning I will always remember
the wait for a son I will never forget

A Merry Christmas day has come
I knew only to be full of cheer
but as I lay there waiting
I knew things were different this year
and that cold feeling I will always remember
each Christmas I will never forget

Minutes build into hours
I shut my eyes so tight
wishing so hard I could stand up and leave
with no trace nor an infant in sight
and that desperate wish I will always remember
would could have been I will never forget

prisoner of a foreign bed, peace before the storm
silence broken by the large beep of a tiny heart
reminding me he is there
can I? will I? go on without that heart?
A burning question I will always remember
praying for an answer I will never forget

The time has come, nine months paid off
fears surrender to work and strain
Reward soon follows as tiny hand curls round a finger
A most precious moment washed away by tears of pain
that soft warm touch I will always remember
Cold hard tears I will never forget

Sweet Angel, sweet Christmas so pure, fresh
Do you hear me? do you feel me? please say you know me
All I have is this mothers kiss to hold you until forever
Three short days I held that precious baby
Every hour I will always remember
Each moment I will never forget

The time has come, nine months are done....dues are to be paid
I sing a soft weak song goodbye to my gentle newborn friend
only I can hear my heart screaming and only I taste whats in these tears
When it's hard to say good-bye and let go and it's hard to see it end
that song I will always remember
My newborn friend I will never forget

So with one last kiss and a whisper, I left him and how I cried
I ached because you will not hear or feel me
and I sobbed because you will not touch or be near me
and most of all in spite of it all I cried because you will forget me
and I still cry because I will always remember
and my birth son I will never forget

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I realized I have yet to make a post about Tayler coming to visit.

Well, he was trying to get Saturday (the 12th) off of work so he didn't have to wake up early and drive down from Boise (it's about a 6 hour drive). He ended up having to work and he works until about 1 in the morning. He decided that he had all of this energy right after work and started driving down here. I stayed up with him until he got to Burley. It took him a while to get there because there was actually a snow storm going on and he got there, I think around 4. He let me sleep for a few hours. He ended up getting to my house at about 10 in the morning.
I spent the night over at Jessica's house and he called me when he got to Salt Lake. Jessica and I thought he was going to be a little bit longer so we watched some Tough Love. I told him I'd probably be at my house by the time he got there. He called me and he said, "So, do you want to come outside?" I said, "I'd love to if I was there." Yep, still totally at Jessica's.
Jessica and Tayler went to church with me at 1. We stayed only for sacrament meeting since Tayler didn't get any sleep the night before. Tayler took a nap in my room. I took a nap in the upstairs guest bedroom (don't worry we were separated every night!) haha.

That night Tayler learned how to play Kingsburg. Pretty much tradition for everyone who comes over and has never played.

We also watched Star Trek. Jessica had her friend named Joel come over. Not to get confused, it wasn't my exboyfriend Joel. Haha. I call Jessica's friend Joel, Roberto. Just for that reason.

Then next day Tayler and I went and saw the movie Brothers. It's not that great. It was very unfortunate. We went to the mall and got Olivia's Christmas present. (which she'll be getting tomorrow!) He helped me pick out some things for her. (: He's pretty much the best.

Me, Jessica, Roberto, and Tayler went to JCW's that night and went to Temple Square to see the lights.

Tayler was a complete hater. We were taking pictures by the temple and we decided to do a fake proposal picture. I wanted to do a full on let's make people believe when they walk by that you're really proposing. He wouldn't do that. So he just posed for the picture and when he got down on one knee I yelled, "YES!"

He was like, "SH!" He pretty much wanted to kick me in the FACE after that moment. Not really though, he still likes me. I think. (:

A lot of people believed my joke. Including his mom! She called him and said, "I forgot what I was going to ask you.... oh yeah! Are you getting married?"
Tayler said, "Yeah. Because I'd post it on Facebook before I'd tell you. No, I'm not getting married... yet."

Tayler left the next day.

It's pretty hard having a long distance relationship. But it makes it all worth it when you see each other and you appreciate the time that you spend together more. We talk every night. It's kind of funny because when I was just dating around before, I would get completely bored with guys and run out of things to talk about. We find something new to talk about every day and it's exciting! We also chat it up on Skype.

He is seriously one of the greatest boyfriends of all time. I picked a winner and hope he sticks around for a little while longer (or eternity... ha!).
What I like most about him is that he accepts me for who I am and has forgiven me for my past and is willing to move on to the future.
He lets me talk about Olivia. In past guys that I've dated I've always been too scared to bring her up. I didn't know how much it would bother them. I kind of didn't say a lot about her then as time went on I would keep talking more about her. And he has a conversation with me about her. Either I'm really happy or excited to see her, or when I'm in a sad state when I can't see her and miss her a lot. Anytime, he's willing to hear about her. It makes me happy. And he's so excited to meet her in January.

(It's a little bit sad that I kind of consider Tayler more of a father than Nic because Tayler actually wants to see her.)

Today, Alyssa and I did an adoption presentation at American Fork High School. I have friends who have gone there or are currently still going there. We were able to talk to 3 health classes today about our story about 30 students per class.
Kristin, an adoptive mom, came in and told her story and how she has been touched by adoption. It's simply amazing to hear other people's stories because they are all so different. She was able to get pregnant with her first then they couldn't after that. She has adopted a little boy and is adopting another boy in February.

Alyssa and I told our stories.

I pretty much talked about how in high school I used to think girls who got pregnant were sluts. But I told them, it's not true, and after my experience I can't judge girls for what has happened to them. They may have gotten pregnant out of rape or incest.
Alyssa's adoptive mom told us in the last class to kind of talk about staying abstinent. I did an... awesome job. Not.

I said, "There really is no such thing as 'safe sex.' The only way you can't get pregnant is if you abstain from sex. It's not fun... well... it is... but..."
I failed.

Here are some of the few questions that we got:

"Is the child going to be confused when they're older since it's an open adoption? Will they know who you are? Is it hard on them?"

If they are taught the correct way (and from what I have learned is to teach them from a young age that they are adopted) they won't be confused. They will know their parents as their parents and know me as Stefanie, her angel/tummy mommy. It's more difficult to find out when you're older that you're adopted because a lot of unanswered questions come up about yourself and you want to find out more. More kids with closed adoptions have tried to find their birth parents because they want to know where they came from.

"Can you take the baby back?"

No. Adoption is VERY different than it was 20 years ago and you hear stories of birth moms taking their babies back. And some people think that more girls would want to take their babies back because it's an open adoption. Which is completely OPPOSITE. Birth moms would want to fight back for their babies BECAUSE it was a closed adoption. With an open adoption you get to know more about how your baby is doing and you get to choose the couple that parent your baby. 20 years ago they just had the couples in a list and whoever was at the top of the list had your baby. You had NO idea if these people were good people. It was a closed adoption. No idea where your baby was and if it was safe. And the only way you could be at peace is if you knew your baby was okay, and so you knew he/she was going to be if they stayed with you.
The relinquishment papers are very thorough and it says you can't be under the influence of drugs while signing the papers (not even pain killers from after giving birth). It says on the paper that once you sign you can't change your mind.

"When your baby gets older in their teen years can they have the choice whether or not they can live with you or with the adoptive parents?"

No. Once the adoption is finalized, Olivia is bound to Dustinn and Val, legally. Like you are legally bound to your parents until you're 18. Olivia can't come to me one day and tell me she wants to live with me because she's mad at her parents. It just doesn't work that way.

I had kids ask me if me and Nic were still together. I let them know that we weren't together anymore and that I'm currently dating someone amazing.

I told them at the end of my presentation that before I got pregnant. I would imagine going to the hospital, having my baby, and being so excited to take my baby home from the hospital in my arms. But this time, I went home empty handed from the hospital. I got there pregnant. Left there without a baby to show and that's the reason why I was standing there telling my story because I didn't want them to experience that and I would want them to take their babies home with them someday.

I don't think any of you want an update on Nic. But some of Nic's family came into my work the other day and I asked how he was doing. His mom told me that she didn't know. He has lost his job, doesn't know where he's living, they can't get a hold of him. He was supposed to be at a Christmas party or something and he didn't show up. He has his mom's truck and for all she knows is that he might be sleeping in it. (I told this to one of the classes and everyone was like, he's a loser! I'm like, Yep. I'm so glad I didn't marry him!)
I did text him today because I'll be seeing Olivia tomorrow and wanted to see if he wanted to see her. He said that he wasn't sure if he could because he was spending Christmas with his family and I told him, "Well. Christmas isn't for two days. I'm sure you can come out and see her."

It bothers me to the core that he can't just say, "I love my daughter but it's too hard for me to see her." That's all he has to say instead of just leading us to believe he does want to see her when in reality, he doesn't. I just hope he can grow a back bone and just say it because I don't want to see Olivia be hurt by him like I was. He doesn't mean to, I'm sure, but he put me on an emotional roller coaster. He'd say he'd be there for something and then completely bail. It's no surprise to me that this is a regular trend since he couldn't be a father and completely bailed.
I'm not going to cover up how I feel about him. I'm being blunt and I'm sorry if this offends people but this is just how I see it.

I don't want Olivia to be upset when she's older because her birth mom will see her, but not her birth father. He will make the commitment then pretend he never made the commitment. I had a TON of abandonment issues growing up. Nic worsened it for me. And I don't want her to have to deal with abandonment or her immature birth father that plays games.
If I would've known this is what was going to happen in the future with Nic. I wouldn't have let him know anything about her or let him be involved in her life. I did it for HER benefit. I did it so he knew about his biological daughter and it hurts me as her birth mom, that he couldn't care less what he did. I'm done complaining. (:

Olivia will be 3 months old tomorrow.
9 more days until Boise!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Insensitive People in the Adoption World

Andee has been a very close friend of mine through adoption and the time before and after placement. She is a very nice person and someone great to be around. She placed her little girl Avery to an amazing family a little over a year ago. Her story has helped me so much through my own journey. I look up to her a lot. Especially after she made a post called, What NOT to say. Just some things not to say to birth mothers because some things are sensitive to us and make us upset. Whether or not you like it or think it's a legit thing to be upset over, it still makes us upset. It's not easy to tell you straight forward that makes us upset because then at any moment, if you wanted to, break us. And this is what anonymous has decided to do.

Anonymous said...

"Don't complain about being a mother
I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain."

When I read this, my jaw just dropped. What gives you the right to tell other mothers that they can't complain about motherhood in front of you because you made the decision to place your child for adoption? Don't punish other people for a choice you made that was NOT out of your hands. Nobody forced you to do this! I am not saying that it was a wrong decision AT ALL. It was your decision to make. We are all human! Of course we are going to complain about being a parent at times!! That is normal! And for you to say that you won't when you have children of your own is a total joke! You don't know that!! It's an extremely rewarding, but extremely hard job that never ends! If it was an easy job that only gave you blessings, you probably wouldn't have had to place your child. It is NOT easy! It takes a lot of work!! I just think that it is so unfair for you to get angry at people or tell the that they can't complain about parenthood! Not fair at all!

Andee said...

I never said being a mother wasn't easy because I know it's not. But that does NOT mean you should complain to me. I never said you couldn't complain to OTHERS, but it's really hard for ME to hear.

Complain to others all you want. I could care less. But I don't want to hear it. You can be angry if you want, but that doesn't change the fact that IT'S HARD FOR ME TO HEAR. I want to be a mother. I know it's a hard job, but I want to be a mother. It's as simple as that.

So don't complain to me about it because I don't want to hear it.

Patricia said...

I don't think Andee (or other birthmoms/adoptive moms/infertile couples) thinks she has the right to tell mothers they can't complain about motherhood; I think she's just giving you insight into what people involved in adoption feel, so you can be aware of how people feel? Perhaps you could be more sensitive to the feelings of other people.

It would be like complaining to someone in a wheelchair who can not walk about being sore from playing sports or even working. A comment like that could be really hurtful to them and you probably wouldn't think of saying that. You need to think of who you are talking to. Don't you think it would be more appropriate to talk about that with someone else?

Andee, I don't know you, but I completely understand where you are coming from. We are trying to adopt and I've had to gently remind people that it's a blessing to have kids and that they should focus on the good parts of raising children. I've actually had someone thank me (with tears in her eyes) for that reminder.

Anonymous said...

Pamela- (I'd also like to mention that anonymous so insensitive that she didn't even put the person's RIGHT name. That's a bit disrespectful by not even remembering the person's name you're talking to or trying to offend.)

I think the wheelchair analogy would be perfect if we were talking about somebody who was infertile, miscarried, or lost a child in a tragic accident. But from my understanding & what I have read above Andree had the opportunity to have a child of her own, but WILLINGLY placed her for adoption. Maybe a better analogy would be somewhere along the lines of complaining about your legs being sore to someone who was in a wheelchair because they cut off their own legs. I just think it is very self-righteous to say that relinguishing your parental rights is harder & deserves more praise than actually parenting a child for 18+ years. Of course at the end of the day, we all are entitled to our own opinion.

StefanieJinelle said...

Anonymous- I'm guessing you aren't reading the same post as everyone else. Because I'm not reading anywhere that it says, "Placing my baby for adoption is SO much harder than you raising your children for 18+ years so praise me and leave your family out of my personal life."

You chose a very poor argument in that wheelchair analogy. It's not like any birth mom is willing to "cut of her own legs." If we put it that way. It's giving someone legs, if they didn't have any. It's VERY different when someone was born without legs and you are complaining about walking.
It's not like when any young girl who finds out she's pregnant out of wedlock the first thought is, "It's going to be SO much fun putting myself through hell physically with pregnancy, labor and delivery. And emotionally with placing my baby with a family that can't have kids of their own."

Forgive us birthmothers who don't get the special reward of being a mother but let another woman take all the credit for us.
Like what a previous comment has been said, "Be grateful, you have never felt the heavy burden of empty arms."

Be grateful that you got to be able to walk out with every single child in your arms out of the hospital and take them home with you.
Be grateful that you still get to hug, hold, kiss, and watch that child grow up everyday before your eyes.

It's hard for us birth mothers to watch mothers be ungrateful for those experiences that mean so much to us since we have yet to experience them. I think what Andee is trying to get at is that she doesn't think it's harder she just wishes that moms would appreciate what they have as being a mother instead of complaining how difficult it is because, even though it was willing, it's difficult to hear what we want more than anything to be in the world. And that's to be a mother.

Such as an adoptive mother wishes to be pregnant and have children of her own. It's not like you're going to complain to an adoptive mom about how much pregnancy sucks because pretty sure any woman who can't get pregnant wishes to be in your shoes right now. Or at least wishes to complain about her own pregnancy. Like someday, I wish to complain about motherhood as well, as you simply show your complaints and given the right to do so because you are a mother.

But I appreciate your very insensitive and childish comments. Thank you.

-I understand that it's hard to be a mother but sometimes in the moment of placing our baby for adoption can be a much harder trial EMOTIONALLY. Any woman can be a mother, it just takes a good heart to be the best mother. And I think birth mothers show how good of a heart they have by giving that piece of their heart to someone else for them to become a mother.

I made a post before about Motherhood. Before and after placement, motherhood has been... and always will be a sensitive subject. You think that once I have my own children it won't be as bad? You can never replace a child with another child. You will always remember the child that you didn't take home with you from the hospital. The pain of your own heart breaking when you look down at your empty arms and only taking home memories.

I know complaining becomes so natural and so easy for people that they just talk to whoever about it. But realize, there are other people that you can complain when this subject isn't so touchy. I know my family has tried really hard to realize that it is a sensitive subject and have respected that and not come to me so much or tell me how hard it is to be a mother. Because they know how much I want it. So anonymous, if you could see that's all we want, not anything to do with belittling motherhood. But our only wish is to have what you have someday. And today, isn't our day. So actually, thank you for belittling our experience. It'll come when we have our days to complain, and i'll reiterate, we'll cherish those moments better because we know what it's like to love like a mother, and lose the chance of being a mother. I'm sorry you couldn't be the bigger person and realize that and left it alone, but instead had to be the smaller person and break down Andee and other birth mothers. It may have been directed at her. But it hurt me too. Think before you speak.

As you are protective over your children, we are as well.

Andee's reply to anonymous.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Olivia Visit


I know I've been sort of abandoning my blog. I'm just kind of taking a step back and trying to put all of my life together. The past few months since placement. I've been kind of going through a stage of I don't really care what's going on in my life. I've gone out with friends to get away from what I've truly been feeling. I've gone on trips/vacations to get away and not think about responsibility. But these past few weeks I feel like I'm ready to embrace a new change and step up. I know it's taken me a while and a little bit sad. But I honestly didn't think I had anything to live for and that everything was going down hill. I was in a depressed state that nothing was going to go right for me so just did what I wanted. I didn't care how much money I spent or how much I was borrowing. I didn't care much about others, especially my family, I've been out pretty much every night just because being at home is a reminder of what I don't have and that I need to face reality. I didn't want to think about adoption to be honest. I wanted to take break. I'm not angry with it. But it's everywhere I go, someone is pregnant, someone is getting married and going to have kids right away, someone is going to parent their child. What makes them so much better than me that they can parent their child and I can't?

I can't even believe that Olivia is going to be 3 months old this month and I've been sitting around in my own world. What kind of mom am I going to be to my future children if I don't?

I went in for my doctors appointment on the 9th. They did the colposcopy. They put that vinegar solution on my cervix to find a change in the cells. They found some and took a biopsy of it. They called me back the day that Tayler left for Boise on Tuesday. They said that it's changed a little bit so that's good news. But they're going to want to see me back there in 3 months to check on it.

Lately, I've just been thinking about my future and that's what's kind of motivated me to get a move on with my life and stop kicking it back. I need to get serious and get what I want in life. I need to get a job so I can have a steady job. Make money and go back to school. Get stable and out of debt. I tend to write out calendars for myself and make goals and how much I need to pay people back. Borrowing money, debts, whatever it is to make it so I can get stable with my money and my life but before I can do that, I need to get to my other obligations first.
I need to find a job. I finished my dental assisting school in May and need to finish up those hours. I'm working on a resume and turn them in into some offices and start work after the holidays.

I'm sitting here now thinking about what I've been doing. And seriously, I really don't have anything to be depressed about. I'm a lucky girl. I'm lucky enough to have a family that loves me and cares about me. They could've dropped me in a second the day I found out I was pregnant. But they've all been really supportive of every decision I've made. I'm lucky to be able to have a very understanding boyfriend. I mean, my track record with my exboyfriends or some of the other guys I've dated, isn't that great. And I seriously, don't think I wouldn't be as motivated as I am right now without his help. I want to be motivated to turn my life around and have him be different from all the rest of the guys and be able to someday get to the temple with someone. And he motivates me to do that, whether or not it's with him. It's really great that he's always there and is willing to listen. I hope he knows I really appreciate him for it.

I'm lucky enough to have the option for an adoption plan. I was listening to Dawson McAllister on the ride home from Jessica's house and a girl called in about her friend who is 13 and pregnant and thinking about getting an abortion. Dawson didn't even mention at ALL about adoption and the girl did mention, I want what's best for my friend, but also for the baby. Do people REALLY think that abortion is what's best? I guess the 13 year old friend was too afraid to tell her mom. Abortion clinics REALLY let 13 year old girls go in to get an abortion without parents consent? Doubt it. If you're too afraid to tell your mom, then why are you getting yourself mixed up in it?! Girls don't understand that there are people out there who are waiting for kids and you find yourself wishing a few years from now that you wished you didn't have kids at such a young age.

I really appreciate Dustinn and Valery who are willing to have an open adoption. I'm lucky for them. They don't have to do the things that they do for me. They could've taken Olivia and left me in the dust. I know they're not that type of people and I'm SO grateful for that. I do not enjoy baby snatchers andit's sad to me when a friend tells me that she's just going to make her adoption closed because her couple has decided to kick her out of the picture when they agreed to an open adoption.

Dustinn and Val arrived in super late tonight and are making plans with me to see them tomorrow. It's been about 2 months since I've seen them and I'm really excited to catch up on things. It's so hard with a busy schedule on both of our ends to really write long, lengthy e-mails or send a phone call each way and different time schedules. But I'm lucky to even talk to them or receive pictures from them at all.

I am lucky to be able to be apart of the LDS Church. I feel lucky enough to know that I can return to God no matter what I've done in my life. I have a STRONG testimony in the atonement that God won't abandon you unless you abandon him. And he'll welcome you with open arms when you're ready to come back to him.

I'm a really lucky girl. A lot of the times, I think we all need to step back and realize how lucky we are and count our blessings.

Here are some quotes and stories from an article called, Life Lessons Learned by Elder Joseph B. Worthlin:

I have known many great men and women. Although they have different backgrounds, talents, and perspectives, they all have this in common: they work diligently and persistently towards achieving their goals. It’s easy to get distracted and lose focus on the things that are most important in life. I’ve tried to remember the lessons I learned and prioritize values that are important to me so that I can keep my eye focused on things that really matter.

I urge you to examine your life. Determine where you are and what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be. Create inspiring, noble, and righteous goals that fire your imagination and create excitement in your heart. And then keep your eye on them. Work consistently towards achieving them.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams,” wrote Henry David Thoreau, “and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

Another lesson I learned on the football field was at the bottom of a pile of 10 other players. It was the Rocky Mountain Conference championship game, and the play called for me to run the ball up the middle to score the go-ahead touchdown. I took the handoff and plunged into the line. I knew I was close to the goal line, but I didn’t know how close. Although I was pinned at the bottom of the pile, I reached my fingers forward a couple of inches and I could feel it. The goal line was two inches away.

At that moment I was tempted to push the ball forward. I could have done it. And when the refs finally pulled the players off the pile, I would have been a hero. No one would have ever known.

I had dreamed of this moment from the time I was a boy. And it was right there within my reach. But then I remembered the words of my mother. “Joseph,” she had often said to me, “do what is right, no matter the consequence. Do what is right and things will turn out OK.”

I wanted so desperately to score that touchdown. But more than being a hero in the eyes of my friends, I wanted to be a hero in the eyes of my mother. And so I left the ball where it was—two inches from the goal line.

I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a defining experience. Had I moved the ball, I could have been a champion for a moment, but the reward of temporary glory would have carried with it too steep and too lasting a price. It would have engraved upon my conscience a scar that would have stayed with me the remainder of my life. I knew I must do what is right.

The Light of Christ helps us to discern right from wrong. When we allow temptations to drown out the still voice of our conscience—that is when decisions become difficult.

My parents taught me to react quickly when temptation comes and to say “No!” instantly and emphatically. I recommend that same counsel to you. Avoid temptations.

Another lesson I learned was the joy of service to others.

Each week during priesthood meeting, Bishop Perschon had the Aaronic Priesthood bearers recite the following phrase: “Priesthood means service; bearing the priesthood, I will serve.”

We all possess spiritual gifts. Some are blessed with the gift of faith, others the gift of healing. In the body of the Church, all of the spiritual gifts are present. In my case, perhaps one of the spiritual gifts for which I am most grateful is that I have been blessed with an obedient spirit. When I heard wise counsel from my parents or Church leaders, I listened and tried to make it part of my thoughts and actions.

Brethren of the priesthood, I urge you to cultivate the gift of an obedient spirit. The Savior taught that “whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man. … And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man.” Matthew 7:24, 26.

How do we know if we are wise or foolish? When we hear inspired counsel, we obey. That is the test of wise or foolish.

What does it profit us if we listen to wise counsel and do not heed the words? Of what use is experience if we do not learn from it? What good are the scriptures if we do not cherish the words and incorporate them into our lives?

President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that “[Heavenly Father] will shower down blessings upon those who walk in obedience to His commandments.”

Although I didn’t fully understand it at the time, it is clear to me now that these lessons—and many others I learned as a youth—served as the foundation upon which the rest of my life has been built.

I seriously cannot believe she's already smiling.

All ready for Utah (:

Monday, December 14, 2009

Apparently, I'm judgemental.

A comment from anonymous:

"Hooray for LDSSingles dot com. It's good to know that, paraphrasing your words, there is an online haven for the weird and/or perverted LDS men and for the girls who "make mistakes" but are still judgmental!"

Dear anonymous,

You sound a bit bitter.

The judgemental girl that makes mistakes.


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Winners&Red Hair

I know I picked a winner when...

Tayler asked me if I wanted to go to the Fiesta bowl with him. BSU vs TCU in Arizona... beginning of January. Warmth.

Then said, if all of the plans are too complicated he'd rather meet Olivia instead. And is excited to meet her and Dustinn&Val.

I'm pretty sure I found perfection.

I gloat.

I get to see him on Sunday (:

My hair= HECKA red.
I'm in love.

Saturday, December 5, 2009


Example #49873897493 why Tayler is the sweetest ever.

My wonderful boyfriend surprised me with flowers today (:

He's absolutely amazing.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

BYU vs Utah game

I went to the BYU vs Utah game.

Jessica got tickets to go to the game. She said the only way I could go is if I wore Utah apparel. I did. I feel a little bit bummed that the team that I was cheering for LOST.
But, I'm not a fan of Max Hall. Nice display of sportsmanship buddy. If you're unaware. You can youtube Max Hall calling Utah fans "classless." Seriously?

We're not losers either. We went with fellas.

Monday, November 23, 2009

2 Months Old

We're transitioning from weekly pictures to monthly pictures now.

If you have not noticed the bumps on her face, I guess she's allergic to cats. Just so you all know I do NOT possess this allergy. But someone else does. I wonder who that could be...

I'm hating.

Here are her birth announcements that I got in the mail today from Val&Dustinn:

Birthmom Questions

I follow a blog named, This is a Site For Birthmothers by Birthmothers. And in one of the posts they had questions for birthmothers to answer. So I did and sent an e-mail and I decided to post my answers on here. If you're a birthmother and had anymore questions or an adoptive couple you can send it to me on here via comment or e-mail:

Questions for birthmothers from other birthmothers:

1. Do you have any specifics that you would change about your adoption experience had you to do it all over again? for ex pics, gifts, placement sentiments, communication, etc
I enjoyed every minute of my adoption experience. What I wish I could've done was let Valery (the adoptive mom) be more involved at the hospital. She was taking pictures when Olivia was born but I should've let her be by my and touch and hold her when she was first born. But everyone is different. I wish I could've done that.

2. Do you have any 'if i knew then what i know now' thoughts that might help others with similar albeit hypothetical situations?
It was hard for me because before I the hospital experience and she was born I had a good feeling about adoption and that when she was born nothing was going to change. Once there was an actual human being crying in my arms. It was WAY hard for me. I didn't expect it at all. I wish I could've known that it will be hard no matter what or how "good" you're feeling about the adoption.

3. If you did NOT name your child in the hospital, how come you chose not to?
If you DID name your child in the hospital why did you choose to?
I had kept a blog during my pregnancy. After I had announced to Dustinn and Valery I posted on my blog that if I was going to keep her, I would've named her Olivia. And I kept calling her Olivia on my blog because I didn't just want her to be "baby" and they decided to keep that name. They changed the middle name to Kate after Val's sister and great grandmother. If I was going to name her, her middle name would've been Nicole. On the birth certificate that I filled out her name is Olivia Nicole Farish (The birth father's name is Nicholas Farish). After I filled that out I had a feeling that wasn't her name that it is Olivia Kate J.

4. What are your top 5 high moments and your top 5 low moments of your adoption experience?
Top 5 highs
1. Telling the adoptive family I picked them
2. Knowing that I made the right decision with adoption
3. Flying out to Virginia to see the adoptive family when I was 7 months pregnant
4. Giving birth, holding Olivia the first time
5. Watching the adoptive family in the hospital with Olivia "being a family"

Top 5 lows
1. Finding out about my unplanned pregnancy
2. Finding out the birthfather wasn't going to marry me or be involved.
3. Realizing I couldn't be the mom and went with an adoption plan (This was very difficult for me because I felt as if I failed as a mother)
4. Walking out of the hospital alone and empty handed.
5. Trasitioning from being "mom" to "the birth mom."

5. Did you feel prepared for placement/relinquishment and the first year(s) after placement? if so, what did you do before hand to prepare. if not, what would you recommend for others. did you think you were and then realized later that you weren't?
I don't think anyone could ever be fully prepared for placement/relinquishment. All you can do is really prepare yourself for the hurt and the heartbreak. I think you should realize what you want after all of that happens. I know the day after placement I wanted the couple to spend a day with her so they could bond with her but then everyday after that I wanted to see her. They live in Virginia so they had to wait about 2 weeks for the ICPC papers to go through. That was the only time I was going to see my newborn as a newborn. The next time I see her she'll be 3 months old. I almost feel gyped of those months with her because I want her to come back as a newborn. Haha. You need to establish the open communication that you have with your couple beforehand. If you try after. I think it will all fall apart and become a huge mess.And I think others will be upset about expectations that weren't being met that we never made.

6. Who have you not told about your adoption and why? Who have you shared your adoption with and why? At what point were you comfortable talking freely (if ever) about your adoption experience?
I'm very open about my adoption experience. I kept a blog throughout my pregnancy and the day that I posted I was placing for adoption. My whole family knew and could keep up with it through my blog. I don't think that there is anyone that doesn't know. If there are friends or acquantinces that don't know, I don't let them. It's a pretty sacred experience for me to share and I don't want to go into detail about it. Most people don't when I say that I had a baby and placed for adoption. The conversation doesn't really go any further than that. I drop subtle hints to guys that I'm dating. I've only had one guy think it was weird because he wanted to marry a girl that waited for her husband to give away her virginity. Sorry to burst your bubble sir (:

7. Have you had a visit or even a reunion since placement?
I saw her two days after placement since I didn't have a lot of time to see her before she left to go to Virginia. I haven't seen her since they flew out to Virginia. They left October 17 and they're coming back in December to visit.

8. What do you feel are reasonable boundaries for a birthmother as far as writing to your child, sending gifts, giving money, unplanned visits/phone calls/texts, etc?
I think when the child is old enough to contact you. I think you should let them write to you first. I think it's okay to send them gifts and spoil them on Christmas and birthdays. I think you should ask the adoptive family as well what they think and how much contact they want you to have. You can ask them that through the years before the child is enough to start sending you emails, letters, pictures, calls, texts, whatever.

9. Is your birthchild old enough to know who you are? Briefly explain if possible.
N/A She's only 8 weeks old.

10. How do you cope when the adoptive couple doesn't follow through on commitments they made with contact after finalization?
I just kind of look at this way. My adoptive couple has a 2 year old son already and now they're taking care of a baby. I'm sure they have their hands full. I can't be straight up angry with them. Just because I don't have a life except for school and work and they have a family to take care of. I've been okay with just e-mails whenever they have the time to e-mail me. But if I need an e-mail right away I'll e-mail them first or just call them.

11. Do any birthmothers out there have any ideas for me to cherish my memories of all the pictures I have of my birthdaughter???
I have been making a scrapbook. I made a scrapbook for the adoptive family of me and the birth father growing up so that way when Olivia is old enough she can look through and see whose eyes and nose she has. I did take some professional pictures when Olivia was 2 weeks old and I'm putting those in frames. You can buy a digital photo frame if you have pictures are the computer of you and your birthdaughter and put them on a memory card and put the memory card in the digital photo frame and watch it like a slide show. Or make a video of the pictures. Scan them onto your computer and put music to it.
12. How do you move forward when the parents of my child are?
It's difficult but I know that while you're grieving the adoptive couple are grieving as well. You might think that's not true because they didn't have to give up anything. But trust me. They gave up a long time ago. A dream of having their own children, babies that look them, they were able to look past the fact that they can't get pregnant but want a child in their home to be a complete family. I think they grieve for the birth mom because of the sacrifice they made and they grieve because of their infertility. Bringing home a baby that isn't theirs just confirms to them that they can't get pregnant and have to put you through so much pain as they did.

13. Has any ones aparents not followed through with the contact they had promised? if so how do you handle and cope with that?
I don't think my couple has ever not followed through. I think I kind of expected more contact. While I was pregnant I would call the adoptive mom and talk to her about anything and about the doctors appointments just so she can be involved. And I kind of wanted it to be that way after Olivia is born but I didn't express that and I realize now that she probably couldn't have done that which is totally fine. I'm cool with e-mail updates just as long as I get one (:

14. Does the hurt and pain ever go away? Maybe when they turn 18 and the aparents cant keep you from them any more?
My adoptive family is not keeping Olivia hostage at all. They want me to come visit her as much as I want. They're coming out here and letting me see her. I'm still in the very early stages of it all since I only placed two months ago. It comes and goes but atleast she's not out of my life forever. It gets easier everytime that I see her.

15. What about having more children after placement? What are your fears? Problems that youve come across? Joys?
My fears is that I can have children. At my 6 week post partum appointment they did a pap smear. The results came back abnormal and found precancerous cells. I'm not sure about the whole thing they won't be testing me for sure until December 9th. But it's a scary thought to think you might have cervical cancer and if so, what if I can't have anymore biological children? What if I just placed my only biological child for adoption? It hurts. I hope that the pap smear was wrong and it changes back to normal. But I get so excited thinking about me and my husband having children. That I know that he'll always be by my side no matter what during the pregnancy. That he'll be there right next to me in the hospital when I give birth and it'll be a magical feeling to be able to hold onto my own child and not let him/her go. Ever. Again.

16. What's the best coping method when you feel overwhelmed with guilt and sadness? Loneliness? Anger? Anything?
I keep a blog. I talk to my case worker about things. I talk to other birth moms who have been there or are going through it and what they did to keep going. I try to have fun and not dwell on it. When I felt lonely I signed up for LDS singles and went on dates with guys just for fun. Nothing serious that's for sure. I'm not ready for a serious relationship for a long time. I will definitely have my days and just cry and pray to God and ask him why he let me go through this. It's been hard but it's made me a stronger person. I sometimes feel like I can do anything but I'd also like a break from life as well, it's okay to take a pajama day from life I think.

17. I'd like to know how other birthmoms celebrate birthday's, holidays or their child? Did you have a pregnancy/adoption journal? Did you keep things from the hospital, if so what? How are you doing today and how long ago did you place?
My pregnancy/adoption journal is my blog. I took everything that I could home from the hospital. One of the nurses was nice enough to give me a lock of her hair and the bow that she had in her hair. I just live vicariously through my adoptive couple through holidays by them sending me pictures and things. I'm flying out to Virginia for her first birthday. I'm sure when I have my own family and I won't be able to see her as much that I'll celebrate her birthday with my family and bake a cake for her. I'll send her gifts for Christmas and maybe a phone call for holidays whatever it is to keep in contact with her. I'm doing fairly well today since placement. I've definitely had my share of trials since then but I know God would never put me through anything that I couldn't handle. I still feel like the decision I made for Olivia to place her for adoption was the right one for me. I placed almost 8 weeks ago and they practically send me pictures of her every day either through a picture message or an e-mail or a blog. Whatever it is they try to keep me on track with their life.

I remember having a question after placement when people would talk to me about placement. I had no idea how comfortable my adoptive couple was with me saying she's my daughter. Is it alright for me to call her my daughter? I'm not her mom but I'm her birth mom ya know? My answer kind of to that is it's hard to transition from being mom to the birth mom. And I think you should include the adoptive couple and call them mom and dad when they're with her. And say "our" daughter instead of "my" daughter. She doesn't belong to anyone, we're all God's children.

Questions for birthmothers from adoptive couples:

A. Can adoptive couples send too many letters, emails, photos? When our birth mother doesn't respond, it makes me wonder if we are sending too much....
I think that there isn't too much of anything. The birth mother is grieving the loss of a child. Sometimes I think receiving a picture is like, "Thank you for reminding me what I don't have." And I'm sure she reads them or looks at them and is grateful that you send her those things. It's just difficult for her to reply. When the time comes and she comes around to the idea of what she did was good for her and for her baby that she'll respond. I would say don't give up.

B. When is birth mothers day? Is there a different day than regular mothers day?
Birth mother's day is the day before Mother's day. So it's the Saturday before Mother's day. I have yet to celebrate that day or seen any parades for it. But it's nice to be recognized and who knows if you get gifts for it. Ha.

C. How much is ok to express while finding, in a blog that a birth mother could be reading? Example.... longing, excitement... worries, all the feelings the adoptive parent is feeling while hoping to be chosen and in the finding stages? Should we say how we are feeling anywhere? To give them a sense of who we are? Or should we just do that privately?
You know what? I'm the type of person to just say it how it is. If you're afraid that a birth mother might not accept you because you have normal feelings, then she's not the birth mom for you. She is as vulnerable as you are during this whole process. She wants to feel like it's normal to have crazy hormonal emotions through the adoption. I think a birth mom is apart of your family if she can't accept you for your flaws then why should she see your perfection? That's what I think adoptive couples are, perfection, they're the perfect family that birth moms wish they could be. They wish they could be the family for the child they're carrying with a mom and a dad and be able to be financially stable. That's part of the sole reason why we choose to place. And it'd be a little bit worried if you didn't express your longing for a child or worried that you'd never have a child.

D. We give gifts on our daughter's birthday and on birthmother's day, but run out of ideas. What are some of your favorites?
I haven't really received gifts since placement. I was given a Willow Tree figurine. Google those. I think they're amazing and meaningful. I was given one of a mother holding a baby. I think it's the figurine called "Angel of Mine." One gift that I received at placement was that me, Valery, and Olivia were given a bracelet that are matching that we all can wear. Val's dad made me a jewelry box with Olivia's name burned into the lid and they also put in little notes from their family. Those are just some ideas.

E. Did you get professional photos with your birth child? Did the adoptive couple pay for it?
I did get professional pictures taken. The adoptive couple did not pay for it. My mom did. I expressed that I wanted some and my adoptive family was totally cool with it. I had a picture taken of me and the adoptive mom kissing Olivia on each cheek. It means so much to me. I wanted professional pictures taken so I can put them in frames and things. I hope to get more as she grows up.

F. I am not sure if on the first meeting if I should bring a gift. Wouldn't giving a gift the first time we meet make her feel like she has to pick us? Like pressure? What are acceptable first time meeting gifts?
The weird thing was that I knew my adoptive couple before. I knew them since I was 14. I found out when I was 3 months pregnant that they were looking to adopt. And I had no idea what I was doing at the time but I was trying my hardest to keep. So I have no idea about giving gifts the first time you meet. I think an ipod is a very good first gift, come on, we're giving you a baby! hahaha. I'm TOTALLY joking. If I was picking between two couples and one gave me a gift and the other one didn't, I'd totally choose the one that gave me a gift because it stood out to me and it made me feel like they were looking out for me, not just because they want my baby.

G. We have an idea of what we want to do on the day we bring the baby home for our birth mother. We are having so much fun putting a basket together of very thoughtful and loving gifts. Are there any you suggest?
I think that's so cute! I would put in there a stuffed animal and also give the baby a stuffed animal just like it so she feels like they share something. My couple gave me a stuffed animal that Olivia has and I sleep with it every night and pretend it's her. Or that she's sleeping with hers as well.

I find this post very fitting since Olivia is 2 months old today (: