Sunday, December 20, 2009

Insensitive People in the Adoption World

Andee has been a very close friend of mine through adoption and the time before and after placement. She is a very nice person and someone great to be around. She placed her little girl Avery to an amazing family a little over a year ago. Her story has helped me so much through my own journey. I look up to her a lot. Especially after she made a post called, What NOT to say. Just some things not to say to birth mothers because some things are sensitive to us and make us upset. Whether or not you like it or think it's a legit thing to be upset over, it still makes us upset. It's not easy to tell you straight forward that makes us upset because then at any moment, if you wanted to, break us. And this is what anonymous has decided to do.

Anonymous said...

"Don't complain about being a mother
I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain."

When I read this, my jaw just dropped. What gives you the right to tell other mothers that they can't complain about motherhood in front of you because you made the decision to place your child for adoption? Don't punish other people for a choice you made that was NOT out of your hands. Nobody forced you to do this! I am not saying that it was a wrong decision AT ALL. It was your decision to make. We are all human! Of course we are going to complain about being a parent at times!! That is normal! And for you to say that you won't when you have children of your own is a total joke! You don't know that!! It's an extremely rewarding, but extremely hard job that never ends! If it was an easy job that only gave you blessings, you probably wouldn't have had to place your child. It is NOT easy! It takes a lot of work!! I just think that it is so unfair for you to get angry at people or tell the that they can't complain about parenthood! Not fair at all!

Andee said...

I never said being a mother wasn't easy because I know it's not. But that does NOT mean you should complain to me. I never said you couldn't complain to OTHERS, but it's really hard for ME to hear.

Complain to others all you want. I could care less. But I don't want to hear it. You can be angry if you want, but that doesn't change the fact that IT'S HARD FOR ME TO HEAR. I want to be a mother. I know it's a hard job, but I want to be a mother. It's as simple as that.

So don't complain to me about it because I don't want to hear it.

Patricia said...

I don't think Andee (or other birthmoms/adoptive moms/infertile couples) thinks she has the right to tell mothers they can't complain about motherhood; I think she's just giving you insight into what people involved in adoption feel, so you can be aware of how people feel? Perhaps you could be more sensitive to the feelings of other people.

It would be like complaining to someone in a wheelchair who can not walk about being sore from playing sports or even working. A comment like that could be really hurtful to them and you probably wouldn't think of saying that. You need to think of who you are talking to. Don't you think it would be more appropriate to talk about that with someone else?

Andee, I don't know you, but I completely understand where you are coming from. We are trying to adopt and I've had to gently remind people that it's a blessing to have kids and that they should focus on the good parts of raising children. I've actually had someone thank me (with tears in her eyes) for that reminder.

Anonymous said...

Pamela- (I'd also like to mention that anonymous so insensitive that she didn't even put the person's RIGHT name. That's a bit disrespectful by not even remembering the person's name you're talking to or trying to offend.)

I think the wheelchair analogy would be perfect if we were talking about somebody who was infertile, miscarried, or lost a child in a tragic accident. But from my understanding & what I have read above Andree had the opportunity to have a child of her own, but WILLINGLY placed her for adoption. Maybe a better analogy would be somewhere along the lines of complaining about your legs being sore to someone who was in a wheelchair because they cut off their own legs. I just think it is very self-righteous to say that relinguishing your parental rights is harder & deserves more praise than actually parenting a child for 18+ years. Of course at the end of the day, we all are entitled to our own opinion.

StefanieJinelle said...

Anonymous- I'm guessing you aren't reading the same post as everyone else. Because I'm not reading anywhere that it says, "Placing my baby for adoption is SO much harder than you raising your children for 18+ years so praise me and leave your family out of my personal life."

You chose a very poor argument in that wheelchair analogy. It's not like any birth mom is willing to "cut of her own legs." If we put it that way. It's giving someone legs, if they didn't have any. It's VERY different when someone was born without legs and you are complaining about walking.
It's not like when any young girl who finds out she's pregnant out of wedlock the first thought is, "It's going to be SO much fun putting myself through hell physically with pregnancy, labor and delivery. And emotionally with placing my baby with a family that can't have kids of their own."

Forgive us birthmothers who don't get the special reward of being a mother but let another woman take all the credit for us.
Like what a previous comment has been said, "Be grateful, you have never felt the heavy burden of empty arms."

Be grateful that you got to be able to walk out with every single child in your arms out of the hospital and take them home with you.
Be grateful that you still get to hug, hold, kiss, and watch that child grow up everyday before your eyes.

It's hard for us birth mothers to watch mothers be ungrateful for those experiences that mean so much to us since we have yet to experience them. I think what Andee is trying to get at is that she doesn't think it's harder she just wishes that moms would appreciate what they have as being a mother instead of complaining how difficult it is because, even though it was willing, it's difficult to hear what we want more than anything to be in the world. And that's to be a mother.

Such as an adoptive mother wishes to be pregnant and have children of her own. It's not like you're going to complain to an adoptive mom about how much pregnancy sucks because pretty sure any woman who can't get pregnant wishes to be in your shoes right now. Or at least wishes to complain about her own pregnancy. Like someday, I wish to complain about motherhood as well, as you simply show your complaints and given the right to do so because you are a mother.

But I appreciate your very insensitive and childish comments. Thank you.

-I understand that it's hard to be a mother but sometimes in the moment of placing our baby for adoption can be a much harder trial EMOTIONALLY. Any woman can be a mother, it just takes a good heart to be the best mother. And I think birth mothers show how good of a heart they have by giving that piece of their heart to someone else for them to become a mother.

I made a post before about Motherhood. Before and after placement, motherhood has been... and always will be a sensitive subject. You think that once I have my own children it won't be as bad? You can never replace a child with another child. You will always remember the child that you didn't take home with you from the hospital. The pain of your own heart breaking when you look down at your empty arms and only taking home memories.

I know complaining becomes so natural and so easy for people that they just talk to whoever about it. But realize, there are other people that you can complain when this subject isn't so touchy. I know my family has tried really hard to realize that it is a sensitive subject and have respected that and not come to me so much or tell me how hard it is to be a mother. Because they know how much I want it. So anonymous, if you could see that's all we want, not anything to do with belittling motherhood. But our only wish is to have what you have someday. And today, isn't our day. So actually, thank you for belittling our experience. It'll come when we have our days to complain, and i'll reiterate, we'll cherish those moments better because we know what it's like to love like a mother, and lose the chance of being a mother. I'm sorry you couldn't be the bigger person and realize that and left it alone, but instead had to be the smaller person and break down Andee and other birth mothers. It may have been directed at her. But it hurt me too. Think before you speak.

As you are protective over your children, we are as well.

Andee's reply to anonymous.


  1. *Claps hands* Stef you are amazing! I don't have a comment because, I know I can't relate and haven't place a child for adoption. I have to agree with You, Andee, and Pamela. And also I respect your situation(although it doesn't show at times..)and I look up to you for that! Love ya tons! :D

  2. I just love all you birth mom's!!!!! I love our daughters birth mom and I am so proud of your courage and the mean words all of you have had to hear by so many mean people. You all are AMAZING!!!