Thursday, December 17, 2009


I know I've been sort of abandoning my blog. I'm just kind of taking a step back and trying to put all of my life together. The past few months since placement. I've been kind of going through a stage of I don't really care what's going on in my life. I've gone out with friends to get away from what I've truly been feeling. I've gone on trips/vacations to get away and not think about responsibility. But these past few weeks I feel like I'm ready to embrace a new change and step up. I know it's taken me a while and a little bit sad. But I honestly didn't think I had anything to live for and that everything was going down hill. I was in a depressed state that nothing was going to go right for me so just did what I wanted. I didn't care how much money I spent or how much I was borrowing. I didn't care much about others, especially my family, I've been out pretty much every night just because being at home is a reminder of what I don't have and that I need to face reality. I didn't want to think about adoption to be honest. I wanted to take break. I'm not angry with it. But it's everywhere I go, someone is pregnant, someone is getting married and going to have kids right away, someone is going to parent their child. What makes them so much better than me that they can parent their child and I can't?

I can't even believe that Olivia is going to be 3 months old this month and I've been sitting around in my own world. What kind of mom am I going to be to my future children if I don't?

I went in for my doctors appointment on the 9th. They did the colposcopy. They put that vinegar solution on my cervix to find a change in the cells. They found some and took a biopsy of it. They called me back the day that Tayler left for Boise on Tuesday. They said that it's changed a little bit so that's good news. But they're going to want to see me back there in 3 months to check on it.

Lately, I've just been thinking about my future and that's what's kind of motivated me to get a move on with my life and stop kicking it back. I need to get serious and get what I want in life. I need to get a job so I can have a steady job. Make money and go back to school. Get stable and out of debt. I tend to write out calendars for myself and make goals and how much I need to pay people back. Borrowing money, debts, whatever it is to make it so I can get stable with my money and my life but before I can do that, I need to get to my other obligations first.
I need to find a job. I finished my dental assisting school in May and need to finish up those hours. I'm working on a resume and turn them in into some offices and start work after the holidays.

I'm sitting here now thinking about what I've been doing. And seriously, I really don't have anything to be depressed about. I'm a lucky girl. I'm lucky enough to have a family that loves me and cares about me. They could've dropped me in a second the day I found out I was pregnant. But they've all been really supportive of every decision I've made. I'm lucky to be able to have a very understanding boyfriend. I mean, my track record with my exboyfriends or some of the other guys I've dated, isn't that great. And I seriously, don't think I wouldn't be as motivated as I am right now without his help. I want to be motivated to turn my life around and have him be different from all the rest of the guys and be able to someday get to the temple with someone. And he motivates me to do that, whether or not it's with him. It's really great that he's always there and is willing to listen. I hope he knows I really appreciate him for it.

I'm lucky enough to have the option for an adoption plan. I was listening to Dawson McAllister on the ride home from Jessica's house and a girl called in about her friend who is 13 and pregnant and thinking about getting an abortion. Dawson didn't even mention at ALL about adoption and the girl did mention, I want what's best for my friend, but also for the baby. Do people REALLY think that abortion is what's best? I guess the 13 year old friend was too afraid to tell her mom. Abortion clinics REALLY let 13 year old girls go in to get an abortion without parents consent? Doubt it. If you're too afraid to tell your mom, then why are you getting yourself mixed up in it?! Girls don't understand that there are people out there who are waiting for kids and you find yourself wishing a few years from now that you wished you didn't have kids at such a young age.

I really appreciate Dustinn and Valery who are willing to have an open adoption. I'm lucky for them. They don't have to do the things that they do for me. They could've taken Olivia and left me in the dust. I know they're not that type of people and I'm SO grateful for that. I do not enjoy baby snatchers andit's sad to me when a friend tells me that she's just going to make her adoption closed because her couple has decided to kick her out of the picture when they agreed to an open adoption.

Dustinn and Val arrived in super late tonight and are making plans with me to see them tomorrow. It's been about 2 months since I've seen them and I'm really excited to catch up on things. It's so hard with a busy schedule on both of our ends to really write long, lengthy e-mails or send a phone call each way and different time schedules. But I'm lucky to even talk to them or receive pictures from them at all.

I am lucky to be able to be apart of the LDS Church. I feel lucky enough to know that I can return to God no matter what I've done in my life. I have a STRONG testimony in the atonement that God won't abandon you unless you abandon him. And he'll welcome you with open arms when you're ready to come back to him.

I'm a really lucky girl. A lot of the times, I think we all need to step back and realize how lucky we are and count our blessings.

Here are some quotes and stories from an article called, Life Lessons Learned by Elder Joseph B. Worthlin:

I have known many great men and women. Although they have different backgrounds, talents, and perspectives, they all have this in common: they work diligently and persistently towards achieving their goals. It’s easy to get distracted and lose focus on the things that are most important in life. I’ve tried to remember the lessons I learned and prioritize values that are important to me so that I can keep my eye focused on things that really matter.

I urge you to examine your life. Determine where you are and what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be. Create inspiring, noble, and righteous goals that fire your imagination and create excitement in your heart. And then keep your eye on them. Work consistently towards achieving them.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams,” wrote Henry David Thoreau, “and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

Another lesson I learned on the football field was at the bottom of a pile of 10 other players. It was the Rocky Mountain Conference championship game, and the play called for me to run the ball up the middle to score the go-ahead touchdown. I took the handoff and plunged into the line. I knew I was close to the goal line, but I didn’t know how close. Although I was pinned at the bottom of the pile, I reached my fingers forward a couple of inches and I could feel it. The goal line was two inches away.

At that moment I was tempted to push the ball forward. I could have done it. And when the refs finally pulled the players off the pile, I would have been a hero. No one would have ever known.

I had dreamed of this moment from the time I was a boy. And it was right there within my reach. But then I remembered the words of my mother. “Joseph,” she had often said to me, “do what is right, no matter the consequence. Do what is right and things will turn out OK.”

I wanted so desperately to score that touchdown. But more than being a hero in the eyes of my friends, I wanted to be a hero in the eyes of my mother. And so I left the ball where it was—two inches from the goal line.

I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a defining experience. Had I moved the ball, I could have been a champion for a moment, but the reward of temporary glory would have carried with it too steep and too lasting a price. It would have engraved upon my conscience a scar that would have stayed with me the remainder of my life. I knew I must do what is right.

The Light of Christ helps us to discern right from wrong. When we allow temptations to drown out the still voice of our conscience—that is when decisions become difficult.

My parents taught me to react quickly when temptation comes and to say “No!” instantly and emphatically. I recommend that same counsel to you. Avoid temptations.

Another lesson I learned was the joy of service to others.

Each week during priesthood meeting, Bishop Perschon had the Aaronic Priesthood bearers recite the following phrase: “Priesthood means service; bearing the priesthood, I will serve.”

We all possess spiritual gifts. Some are blessed with the gift of faith, others the gift of healing. In the body of the Church, all of the spiritual gifts are present. In my case, perhaps one of the spiritual gifts for which I am most grateful is that I have been blessed with an obedient spirit. When I heard wise counsel from my parents or Church leaders, I listened and tried to make it part of my thoughts and actions.

Brethren of the priesthood, I urge you to cultivate the gift of an obedient spirit. The Savior taught that “whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man. … And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man.” Matthew 7:24, 26.

How do we know if we are wise or foolish? When we hear inspired counsel, we obey. That is the test of wise or foolish.

What does it profit us if we listen to wise counsel and do not heed the words? Of what use is experience if we do not learn from it? What good are the scriptures if we do not cherish the words and incorporate them into our lives?

President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that “[Heavenly Father] will shower down blessings upon those who walk in obedience to His commandments.”

Although I didn’t fully understand it at the time, it is clear to me now that these lessons—and many others I learned as a youth—served as the foundation upon which the rest of my life has been built.

I seriously cannot believe she's already smiling.

All ready for Utah (:


  1. You will probably find as the years go by that you will go through different stages of grief and the what if's. I think we all do it. My daughter's adoption was a closed one so I do see you as being lucky, but that isn't quite fair either. Choosing someone else to raise your child is hard. I am simliar to the 13 year old you mentioned. I didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant and adoption was pretty much forced on me. So, they're young girls for one reason or another don't feel that they can go to their family. Olivia is very cute!

  2. Olivia is so adorable! I just want to squeeze her!

    And thanks for putting things in perspective. I needed some perspective putting just now and that helped. A lot.

  3. yeah! Thanks for those quotes! Those helped a lot! :D You are so amazing! And I'm glad that you're able to see Olivia! She is so dang cute! I can't believe she is almost 3 months old! ahh! :D

  4. WOW! She is 3 months old already?! It's unbelievable how time flies! I was thinking about you today as I prepared a Christmas gift for our daughter's Foster parents and one to put in her file in case her Birth Mom ever comes looking.

    I too feel you are lucky. I would give so much for my daughter to be able to know her Birth Mom, and for her Birth Mom to know what an amazing little girl she gave birth to, and then loved enough to make an adoption plan for.

    Let yourself grieve, let yourself feel joy, look into yourself and dream - DREAM BIG - and then make it happen!!! You are a wonderful person, and all of you are lucky to have one another!!!!

    Merry Christmas!!!