Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Humble and Hibernating

I know it's only been 4 days since I said I won't be on here for a while. Well, I decided that I need to make my appearance back into the blogging world and why I just sort of threw a temper tantrum. I hope I don't get any hate comments for what I'm saying. This is a VERY personal situation. I figure that I need to show that being a birth mom isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Even though you think you might get off the hook with God. He still shows you that you still have to work hard to be happy, no matter what life throws at you.

I figured, I went through the hardest thing in my life by placing my baby for adoption. God will understand me and know how hard it was since He gave the world His only begotten son to suffer the sins of the world and to be crucified. I think if anyone understands the pain and loss of a child, it's Him.

I have been praying for a heart at peace with everything. Trust me. You think that I like being unhappy and angry with everyone around me? Of course not.

On Friday, November 13, I received a phone call from my OB's office. And I knew immediately why they were calling before I picked up the phone. They did a pap smear at my 6 week appointment. They called back to say my results came up as abnormal. There was so much going through my brain and thinking that I have some crazy STD that I was unaware of my whole pregnancy. But that would be untrue because they did a pap smear right before I got pregnant and was perfectly normal.
They told me that they found SIL (Squamous Intraepithelial Lesions): Changes are seen in the cells that may show signs of pre-cancer. SIL can be low grade (LSIL, which is what they found) or high grade (HSIL).
LSIL: Early, mild changes are seen in the cells.

They really did not give me much information on the phone. All they said was that it was low grade pre-cancerous cells. After they set up the appointment to do a colposcopy (Lets your doctor look at the cervix through a special device similar to a microscope. it can detect problems of the cervix that cannot be seen with the eye alone. It's used to help diagnose SIL and cervical cancer.) and possibly and biopsy (an area of abnormal cells is seen and removes a small sample of tissue and sent to the lab to be studied), I got off the phone and cried. There was so many things going through my mind. Of course, I googled everything. And they way they treat cervical cancer is a hysterectomy. I couldn't handle the thought of placing my biological child for adoption and not being able to have anymore kids of my own.
I know some people are thinking, "you should be grateful that you atleast had a biological child of your own." But the whole time I was thinking of those people who couldn't have children. How difficult it was for me to find out that I might have cervical cancer and not have anymore children how that day was for women to find out that they won't be able to bear their own children. My heart and prayers went out to every single one of you comfort and peace for that trial that you have endured.

During that time as well, I was angry at God. I hung out with a friend of mine that night to get my mind off of things. We stayed up late and I was going to spend the night at her house but then I just wanted to go home and cry. On the way home, in my car, I cried. I prayed and screamed and even though I had so much anger in me, I felt a hug of understanding and basically feeling like He knew that He was giving me so much but I still needed to learn. And I'm thinking what do I need to learn? Definitely to humble myself. That's for sure. I had such a spiritual high while I was pregnant and a little bit after placement. I then started losing hope and giving up on myself. God is just kicking me in the butt to motivate me by giving me a wake up call. Such as being pregnant and a cancer scare. After that moment, all I could say to Him was give me all you got, just let Olivia be happy (and the J family) and never to go through anything I had to go through and I'll call that fair and do whatever He wanted me to do. Haha. I know you can't really make a deal with the Lord but I tried.

I have been given comfort. I think the OB nurse realized that it was troubling me and they sent me a pamphlet of information about abnormal pap smears. It also says, "SIL is found in women of all ages. It can range from mild (circled for me), moderate, and severe to cacinoma in situ (CIS). CIS is not yet cancer. However, if not treated, it is the type of SIL most likely to progress to cancer.
LSIL may not need to be treated. A woman may just need to have a repeat Pap test.

I talked with my caseworker the day that I found out, we happened to have an appointment set up that day. God definitely was looking out and realized that I needed help. Such as two days after Nic and I had broken up (I didn't know I was pregnant at the time) I asked my dad for a father's blessing. It helped me and then when I found out I was pregnant. I realized that with the help from that blessing that I needed God in my life and luckily, I was looking for it at that time. She told me it was okay to be angry and to ask Him why he was doing this to me. To do whatever I need to get stuff off my chest. She asked me if I were angry or frustrated with a family member or friend would I say something to them? I told her, Well, yeah. She said, "Sometimes you need to do that with God. You realize that you are His daughter and He's your Father and He does make you angry sometimes."

My mom realized I was going through a hard time as well. I haven't really talked to anyone the past few days. And trust me, if you have stood in my way. You probably got an earful. I apologize.
My mom (or maybe my dad) printed off an article that they found on There was an article in the magazine, Liahona in 2004, given by President James E. Faust called, "Where Do I Make My Stand?"
Here are some of my favorite points from this article:

I humbly pray this morning that I may be understood and not misunderstood. In an increasingly unjust world, to survive and even to find happiness and joy, no matter what comes, we must make our stand unequivocally with the Lord. We need to try to be faithful every hour of every day so that our foundation of trust in the Lord will never be shaken. My message is one of hope and counsel for those who may wonder about the seemingly unfair distribution of pain, suffering, disaster, and heartache in this life. Some may ask:

“Why was I born with physical or mental limitations?”

“What did I do to deserve this heartache?”

“Why did my father have to suffer so much following a cruel, disabling stroke? He was such a righteous man and always faithful and true to the Lord and His Church.”

“Why did I have to lose my mother twice—once to the ravages of Alzheimer’s disease and, secondly, to death? She was such an angel.”

“Why did the Lord let our little baby girl die? She was so precious, and we loved her so much.”

“Why hasn’t the Lord answered our prayers the way we wished?”

“Life isn’t fair. We know some people who have done some very bad things, and yet they seem to have everything they want or need.”
Dr. Arthur Wentworth Hewitt suggested some reasons why the good suffer as well as the wicked: “First: I don’t know. Second: We may not be as innocent as we think. Third: … I believe it is because He loves us so much more than He loves our happiness. How so? Well, if on a basis of strict personal return here and now, all the good were always happy and all the bad suffered disaster (instead of often quite the reverse), this would be the most subtle damnation of character imaginable.”

President Kimball gave this insightful explanation:
If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency. … There would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.

How we use our God-given moral agency explains why some things happen in our lives. Some of our choices have unforeseen results, which may be good or bad. But often we know in advance that some of our choices will have detrimental or even harmful consequences. I call these “informed choices” because we know our acts will have disastrous results. These informed choices include illicit sexual relations and the use of drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. Such poor informed choices may prevent a person from going on a mission or receiving temple blessings. We may make incorrect informed decisions because the lures of the world distort reality and make us vulnerable. In dating relationships with the opposite sex, making a wrong choice early may limit making the right choice later.

President Howard W. Hunter once said, “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see. None of us knows the wisdom of the Lord. We do not know in advance exactly how He would get us from where we are to where we need to be, but He does offer us broad outlines in our patriarchal blessings. We encounter many bumps, bends, and forks in the road of life that leads to the eternities. There is so much teaching and correction as we travel on that road. Said the Lord, “He that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.” (D&C 136:31) “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.” (Heb. 12:16)

As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee. (2 Kgs. 20:5) Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord.

President Brigham Young offered the profound insight that at least some of our suffering has a purpose when he said:

“All intelligent beings who are crowned with crowns of glory, immortality, and eternal lives must pass through every ordeal appointed for intelligent beings to pass through, to gain their glory and exaltation. Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. … Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.”
-It was so hard for not to post the whole article. It was purely amazing, if you ask me.
I know that God is watching out for me and for everyone. Sometimes he gives us soft nudges into the right direction and at times, we need to be pushed off a cliff to realize what direction we need to take. I'm definitely grateful for that guidance and the prayers that everyone has given me during this time and trial in my life. I'm grateful that there is a right direction in life and to have that support with me.
My doctors appointment isn't until December 9th. Wish me luck. As I wish you luck and prayers in your journey.


  1. I just found your blog from Que and Brittany's blog. I've enjoyed it. I appreciate that you are honest about the whole adoption process instead of trying to pretty it up and make everything seem happy and wonderful. I can't abide by optimism-bordering-on-dishonesty. I've tried to do the same in my blog, I don't think it does anyone any favors to make things out to be easier than they are.
    On the subject of precancerous cells:
    I had something similar happen to me before I got pregnant last year. It was scary and it sucked.
    I won't lie, the colposcopy hurts, like someone is forcing you into a menstrual cramp (but it was a cakewalk compared to labor). And the waiting sucks, and the more time you have to wait, the more fears and worries come up, and it's hard not to research everything that could happen as a result ...
    I wish I could say don't worry, it will all be okay. But there are no guarantees in life.
    That said, it's my own belief (Book of Jill, chapter 18 verse 22) that God smiles upon birth mothers, and I don't like to think that He would ask you to give up a biological child and then never let you have one again, especially at your age.
    Okay, I'll shut up now.

  2. Stefanie I have been thinking about you a lot lately (and I haven't even read your blog due to my schedule) so after reading this post, I started bawling.

    I love you and I hope you know that you can come to me for anything.
    We need to get together again.
    But only if you want to.

  3. I am usually a lurker, but wanted to let you know my personal experience with abnormal paps. I had them, had the colposcopy a few times, even had the LEEP (where they burn the abnormal cells off).

    All of this happened before I had my son and I was able to have a healthy pregnancy afterwards.

    It is rare that they have to preform a hysterectomy because of this. That is why you get a PAP smear done every they can catch it at a very early stage.

    I wish you peace as you go through this next hurdle and my prayers are with you.

  4. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and i know sorry will not cover it :) but that article you posted is amazing. I know that i have found peace myself by reading through the Ensign, and im glad that your parents found that article for you. I really hope that you are getting peace and strength. I love you :)

  5. as someone who recently found your blog and am super impressed with the way you've opened your life to others to compassionately empathize and laugh along with, and feel your feelings through your amazingly strong and beautifully written words. Thank you for not leaving your blog, keep writing, I feel like that you get so much out when you do and it's gotta help even if just a little bit. You seem like an amazing person with an abnormal amount of strength and tenacity.

  6. It makes me so proud of you to hear how you are handling this scary ordeal. Way to turn to the Lord, it just proves how much your experiences with Olivia has changed you.

  7. Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I will pray for you!

  8. HOLY COW you are so brave & mature! I'm so sorry Stef. I can only imagine how scary that must be, but stay positive! Everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. <3

  9. OH My Gosh Stefanie you are so amazing!!!!!!! :D I agree with Andee! I have been busy lately, but once I read this post! Man, That would have been something that I really needed to hear! Wow! You're so amazing! I may not be able to relate to you or other Birth Mothers, because you know I'm not one. But truly this post is to any one that is having a hard time! That was so amazing! And I truly agree! I realized this past week I have been complaining so much lately, and it hasn't been good. Because I know other people that are having more of a hard time than I am, and I should just shut my mouth and not Complain! I Should just smile, and do the best I can no matter how bad some days can be(and that can be hard especially when you are Moody all the time with Hormones! :P) And I know that I do keep on complaining, Heavenly Father is going to send me another message to get me back in the right Direction! Remember When I broke my foot almost 3 years ago? yeah... that was a wake up call(long story though), and the Car accident was telling me to stay on the road that I was on, and that I was doing fine! :D haha! any ways! I know I have said this like a million times! I agree with Erika with what she said that even though it is tough you still keep you head up high no matter how hard it can be! And you know? It's ok to cry, even if we may feel like we're Cry babies all the time, it's a way to get rid of stress, and emotion. cause it isn't healthy to hold it all in! You are such an amazing friend and I keep you in my prayers every where I go! I'm thinking about you every day! Let me know when you're ready to hang out or what ever cause I miss you like crazy! Love ya tons! :D You're doing great! Just keep on going with a smile on your face and keeping your head up high(I know that can be hard sometimes, but give it a try! :D) <3 Love ya! <3

  10. I'm sorry to hear all that your going through. I will keep you in my prayers! I really enjoyed that article you posted, thanks for sharing it.

  11. Grrrrrr to the person who says, "be grateful you had your own biological child" and curses on them too! That is just plain wrong. There is a complete difference between ANYone deciding to not have children and being told they CAN'T have children. There is a very deep and painful loss, and I think it must hurt all the more BECAUSE of (and not in spite of) your being a birthmom, and feeling such great love for Olivia, and doing what you did for her, and knowing so clearly the love you have in you for her and future children. My heart hurts so much for you and I can't even imagine going through what you have. I'm definitely praying for you, and having faith that everything will be good and happy in the end.

    P.S. You can totally make deals with God! I mean, maybe not always, and I've never seen a scripture that says, "thou canst make deals with God. It worketh." but Hannah made a deal with God when she essentially said, "if you'll just give me a son, I'll give him up so that he can serve you always" and she had Samuel who was raised by Eli in the temple, and went on to be the prophet in Israel. So you never know. :)