Wednesday, November 4, 2009


November 3- I'm grateful for...

1. New 20 dollar pants and 40 dollar boots. Thank you Fred Meyer and Kohl's for making me so stylish.
2. Flights that are on time. (I got home from Oregon yesterday)
3. That I'm not one of the "Plus Eight" from Jon&Kate.

November 4- I'm grateful for...

1. Having a healthy pregnancy and wonderful healthy baby.
2. Adoption. All the blessings, opportunities, and people that come with it.
3. Babies- I'm an Auntie times 5. My oldest sister is due in July. I found out on Monday.

I just got back from a week long vacation with my sister Erika. It was a blast seeing her and her children. I hadn't seen her since March.

She has posted some pictures from the trip on her blog. It was definitely fun and nice to be able to get away from everything. Hey, if guys can run away when they find out they got their girlfriend pregnant. I can run away after I placed my baby for adoption. Probably not the best thing, but it was nice to have someone who knew my situation and not having to be bombarded with questions everyday and have to repeat myself over and over.

I was able to see my Grandma and my Aunt.

I did kind of grow a back bone while in Oregon. Well. Out of the random, Nic texted me.
Yeah, I NEVER hear from him. It's always me having to initiate conversation.
All he asked was how I was doing.
I told him I was good and in Oregon and how he was.
He said he was good and he was just checking on me to see how I was doing.

For some reason, this BOTHERED me. I mean, I didn't really have to think about him at all during my trip. Okay, that's a lie.
When my dad dropped me off at the airport, this time last year, Nic and I were together. He was planning on getting a job at the airport and moving out to Salt Lake and he wanted me to move in with him. It didn't help that there was a couple on the airplane with a baby. It made me think about when Dustinn and Val flew home with Olivia. And I just cried. I cried because I was alone. I cried because I had empty arms and nothing to show. I cried because I was happy that Dustinn and Val did have that. Lots of emotion.

Well, I thought about it most of the day. I mean, why would he start asking me NOW? He didn't ask me how I was doing while I was pregnant.

I texted him the day after he sent me that text and I said to him, "Look Nic, you don't have to pretend that you care about me and ask me how I'm doing. I know you don't."
I didn't get anything back.

But that's just how I feel. I don't want someone to PRETEND that they care about me. And I know that he doesn't because if he did, we'd be together. We'd be a family. I'm just sick of his BS and want to find someone who really does care. I was at the point where I thought I was getting over him and ready to move on. Then he texted me out of the blue. This next year will be really hard on me. I hate memories. Everything good has to come back to me. Mine and Nic's relationship was great. Not so great after he dumped me and didn't care to come back to me. I remember all the good things.
Erika and I went to Kohl's and I got a mommy&me frame and going to put a picture of me and Olivia in there. And I saw a daddy&me and thought about getting it for Nic for Christmas. I CAN'T think that way. I was with Nic during Christmas, so of course, all of that came back. I can't listen to Saving Abel at all these next few months because it brings back too many memories of us listening to them together. I wish I had some way to block him out of my mind. But I can't. He's always there. Just like Olivia is always going to be there.

To me, it felt like Nic was just seeing how I was doing since I haven't talked to him in a while. It's like he missed his fan club. Baha. I don't know. I'm sure that it's just me ranting about how much I still care about him and feels like he doesn't. I really don't know how he feels so I can't tell you that. I don't ever talk to him. So.

I talked to Nic and apologized for what I said to him and that I just felt like he didn't care. And he said, "Well I wouldn't do it if I didn't care but I'll leave you alone."
Meh. That's my life. Sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm going out on a double date tonight. (:
I love this blog post.
November is the National Adoption Month. Woot.


  1. I love your thankful lists!
    J&K+8? --It makes sense that your lists are so clever & entertaining because your facebook status always is.
    I'm sure Nic didn't mean to upset you. I remember him saying that he wished there was a way he could be supportive without causing hurt & confusion. You two have been through so much (both together & separate.)
    I'm sorry the plane ride was so nostalgic and made you sad. :(

    We're excited to hear about your date tonight. Doubles are so fun! I love Erika's picts from Oregon. The waterfalls are gorgeous.

  2. Thanks for the shout out! I love your new jeans and boots, btw! I'm sorry you had a hard time though (hug!)

    PS: I'm also glad I'm not part of Jon & Kate + 8. LOL

  3. *******HUG******* You are awesome! And I'm sorry that you had a hard time on the plan! :( That really really really sucks! :( And I Love the Jeans! Did you get them at Kohl's? Or fred Meyer? And The pictures are pretty much awesome! :D

  4. Ok..this is not letting me post a comment? outfit is FAB I love Khols ( besides the weird bedazzled skank stuff) and love reading your goings on. thanks!!

  5. The boots were definitely the right choice. Much better than the fur ones. And I'm just sickened by your size 5-ness. Sick.

    And way to be STRONG! It's good that you are feeling like you are starting to be able to get over him. :) Now if he would just leave you alone...