I kind of stopped the whole I'm grateful for each day thing. It was kind of a hassle to get on the computer everyday to post what I was grateful for. And I haven't been on lately just a lot of things are happening in my life and I'm just trying to keep myself preoccupied.
When I'm on here I tend to pour out my personal secrets to the world. And that's something that I don't want to do right now until I have more information.
The post placement group on Thursday was alright. Two girls told their pregnancy/adoption stories. That was fun to listen to.
We just got on the topic of the New Year. One girl asked if anyone was excited for the New Year to have a "new beginning."
In a way, I don't need the New Year to have a "new beginning." My new beginning started after placement. My motivation is Olivia. Years from now, I want her to look up to her birth mom who changed her life around for the better. I want her to see that I did get married in the Temple and I returned to virtue.
I really have been having a hard time lately. Not anything particularly with adoption. I have my days, who doesn't? I try to focus on the positive of everything. But there are some negatives in my life. I don't want to focus on any of that either.
At group, there was something that stung me for some weird reason. A girl was talking about that she placed her son for adoption... last week. She was saying how painful it was for her to see him and how she is in the "awkward" or "uncomfortable" stage with her couple where she doesn't know what to talk to them about.
For me, it has been a little bit of a struggle or a transition to being the birth mom. When I was pregnant I would call and e-mail Val about every little thing about the pregnancy and let her be involved. I was excited for myself and excited for her. Now, I really don't have anything to talk about. I'm on the other end now, getting calls and e-mails about Olivia. It's exciting.
What I realized is that, that's the only way I'm going to watch her grow up. There are girls whose families live down the road and can see their baby any time of the day if their family will let them. They have that luxury. Sometimes it gets to me when girls say to me, "I haven't seen my baby in over a week and it sucks." Tell me when you haven't seen your baby in two months, then come talk to me.
I've really been bitter and depressed lately. I'm working on it. There are days that I really don't want to get out of bed and take on the world because all it does is let me down. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. But it's a scary thought to me. First, I place my baby for adoption hoping that everything in my life would be good after that. Then life smacks me in the face. Trust me, I had a screaming and crying battle in my car with God just not understanding why everything was happening and that there was so much already going on. And I'm just waiting for a break here.
I can't even talk about it right now without being angry and frustrated. So I'm pretty much done here. If you don't hear from me in a while, don't worry. I'll be okay. And I'd appreciate it if I don't get any messages asking me how I'm doing. I'll tell you what's going on if I want to. Don't pry it out of me.