Monday, August 31, 2009


It's midnight. It's finally September. It honestly has felt like it would NEVER get here. Ha. That I would just be stuck being pregnant forever. SURPRISE. I'm not going to be :)

Here I am, 36 weeks pregnant. WOOT. I'll be 37 weeks on Thursday. And I have a doctors appointment that day. I'm hoping I'll be dilated to atleast a 1. It's a hope of mine. I've had some contractions, false labor is not a pleasant thing for me. Can it be real yet? Haha. More Braxton Hicks so maybe I'll be more effaced? That's what I hear is that you get more effaced with Braxton Hicks. I've been trying to walk around a lot more and such.

Today, I kind of sat around and did nothing until I went to work. I was feeling sick earlier. No beuno. But I slept for like 12 hours last night. But that might be why since I didn't eat during those 12 hours. Olivia probably wasn't a happy camper. I'm feeling better now. No worries.

Oh. Before I go into a story. I thought I would update you about the N situation.

My friend had talked to him while he was on his lunch break that day that he sent me those texts. And she told him how I reacted and told him her story of when she was at the hospital and when she placed. How I was feeling more uncomfortable with the thought of him seeing me exposed like that then the thought of him being there, so I wanted him and me to be prepared for it and that's why I wanted to see him. And he was saying something to her that I probably talk crap about him all the time. She was like, "Actually. She doesn't. What she honestly tells me is that you're a great guy and could be an awesome dad." They talked more but I can't really remember what was said. Ha. I'm sure he knows I was in the room listening. He should've expected it. She told him that we were going to talk the next day.
So I called him on Friday around noon. And he was asleep? Ha. It sounded like he had just barely woken up. So I said we should probably talk about yesterday because I'm just wondering if you want to be there. And he was saying to me that he didn't think he should be there because it sounded like I didn't want him there and that it'd be a big deal. And that it seemed complicated so he misunderstood why I wanted to talk to him about it. I said to him, Listen. If I didn't want you there. I wouldn't be talking to you right now. And I did want to talk about it and how uncomfortable it'll be because it will. But also it'll be a good thing because he'll be able to see his daughter be born. He was totally okay with just being in the waiting room. I just don't even feel comfortable with that. I told him what I kind of planned for him if he was at work or something I would just update him and tell him when it would be a good time for him to come in or if I went into labor before he went to work he could just come before but it'd be a while if I went into labor on my own. So I told him if I was induced I would probably just expect him to be there the whole time on the scheduled day. He was kind of iffy about a lot of things and I finally just had to say to him. I'm comfortable with whatever you want to do. I'm asking you because I don't know what you want and I'm just seeing what is alright with you. He said he wants to be on the birth certificate so he'll be there when I sign away my rights because he has to sign his away too. He wants to be there on placement day if he's not working at all. I asked him about the visitation he wants at the hospital. Ha. It was so funny to me. He said, "Well. I don't want to wear you out if I come visit." I said to him, "You're not going to be wearing me out. I'll already be worn out. It doesn't matter. I want visitors. I just don't want you to say you want to visit and then you don't."
He said something that he didn't want it to seem like he was getting all these privileges and I had to tell him. Well, that's why I ask you to do things for me so you do feel involved. I don't do it just to be mean or evil. So that way he feels like he's done his part during the pregnancy and gets the rewards after.

Well, last night, I went to bed early. I was tired and I was getting kind of emotional. I was thinking about placement. I imagine about what Olivia will look like and the hours and hours how I'll just look at her and be in complete awe of making a life and having her be my daughter and then placing her in the arms of someone else and have her be their daughter. There are days it hurts me and I'd love more than anything to be her mom.

N was supposed to come over today so I could pay him back but he couldn't get a car before he left for work. I was working tonight and I guess people from his ward/fhe group came in to get food. I was shaking and nervous the whole time. He was talking to people. I was thinking the worst that he came in with a girl. I don't know why. I wouldn't think he would because he probably knows me all too well that I would tell her. He kept looking over at me and I was like, okay, what do I do? I don't want to approach him because I know he doesn't want everyone knowing in his ward that I'm the girl he knocked up. I waited until he acknowledged me. He gave me a high five... Yep. I'm having his baby and he gives me a high five?
I'll live with it.
He apologized about not coming over earlier. I said I didn't care but I had the money if he wanted it. He said sure. I came back over and he was like, "So have you been telling stories about me?" I said sarcastically, "All the time." And he was like, "Well, that guy (he said something else but I don't like that word so I'll edit it) over there keeps giving me glares." I had him point out which one. I said, "I'll talk to him." Ha.
He was walking away and I asked, "Are you getting anything?" He said No. He went to the back and talked with people from his ward. And then right before he left he was just leaning against the wall while I was taking an order and he waited until I was done and said, "I just wanted to say bye." I didn't know what he wanted? Ha. I just said, "Okay, bye." Haha. Anyway.

So, I went over to the guy who was giving N glares and asked him why. He told me, "I don't understand why N would do that to you. J (this other guy that we work with) who is a druggie, knocked up his 15 year old girlfriend and is fathering his child. From what I can see, N doesn't look like that kind of guy and him doing that to you and his own baby, is really messed up."
It does hurt sometimes to hear things like that. I mean, yes. I would love more than anything that if N stepped up in the beginning and we got married and were able to raise our baby. But at the same time, I'm glad it didn't happen because of what has happened and what I've been through with N. I mean, I would've just had to find out later that N only did it for his daughter and not because he loved me. It's taken me a while to realize it, but I think part of the reason why I've been so bitter or resentful towards N, is because he's kept me from the thing I can't have. I can't have my daughter because of him. I could have her and raise her myself but I'm very for having a two parent home. That basically was my deciding factor of choosing adoption.
So I guess I more resent him not stepping up in the beginning so that way he and I could be together and raise her. But I'm happy that he didn't because I now can see the full picture and know that she belongs with D and V. I can see them as a complete family. N and I would probably be a complete BROKEN family. I wouldn't want Olivia to grow up in a home like that.
I'm just in a moment of weakness where I'm just thinking about how I'd love more than anything to just be happy and wished everything happened the right way so I could keep her. But things happen for a reason.

That's all I got.

I made this video while Olivia was super active. You don't need the sound. I probably am breathing heavily and I'm watching the Tyra Banks show. She's sort of camera shy so she was more active when I wasn't recording but there's a time where she does a wave thing. It's like a minute into the video. It's more on the left side you see her moving.

I thought this was a funny story. I mentioned before I went to a theraputic boarding school my senior year. It's called West Ridge Academy. My brother in-law and my sister came over to our house on Sunday and I guess someone he works with mentioned that their step daughter just started at WRA. And my brother in-law mentioned that his sister in-law went there. The lady was curious and asked how I was and if it helped. And all he said to her was, "Well, she's pregnant." Baha.
I found it hilarious.

Anyway, I must sleep as I work tomorrow morning. Farewell. :)

Friday, August 28, 2009

36 weeks.

Man, I should've knocked on wood my last post with the no drama thing. BAM. Now it's everywhere! Okay, not everywhere. Just in one part of my life.
Which happens to be the same part every time. Baby daddy drama.

I know, you guys are probably hating on me for posting so much about N. But listen, this is reality. Well, for some girls it is. Some girls choose not to let their BD be involved or the BD chooses not to be. N has ALWAYS been a fence sitter. I wrote him a letter back in April telling him that he needed to decide if he was going to stick around and help me out. When I contacted him two weeks later he said he didn't think he should write back because I was "venting." I'm pregnant and hormonal. When do I NOT vent?
As much as I wish and sometimes don't wish that N is involved in this or a part of this. He is. He was saying something to a friend that he feels that I don't want him to be involved. If I didn't want him to be involved wouldn't I have not even told him I was pregnant? Would I have even told him anything or be a part of his daughters life?
I guess partly, you can say I've been a fence sitter too. I was terribly stubborn in the beginning of my pregnancy, in hopes, that me and N would get back together and raise this baby. I thought he was in love with me. I was naive. I was hoping for a prince to save me. I got nothing. He was my knight in shining armor in one point of my life. But once responsibility came knocking at his door, he refused to open it. I had to take that responsibility for him.
Someone told me today that I need to do what I should've done 6 months ago and just left him out of everything. I have had NO intention of taking away his rights away as a father. I tried so hard to work it out with him. I've tried to do everything I could to listen to him and his requests. His requests to be in the room, to cut the cord, to have every right a father should have to bond with his son/daughter. I had no idea that Nic was going to be so hurt when I told him I asked D to cut Olivia's cord. N got emotional about it. I got emotional about it because I didn't want to hurt D and V, at the same time, I didn't want to hurt N.
I was VERY uncomfortable with the thought of N being in the hospital room when she's born. It's sort of a big deal. And, I'm EXPOSING myself to the world. Not anyone or N has seen that part of me in a LONG time. I'm not just going to put it out on display for him either. I had to mentally be okay with him being there.

Then, listen. N let me borrow money from him for the FSA conference. He's going to be SO mad when he reads this. I asked him to see if he would actually do it. I put him up to a test. He did. I was going to pay him back this Friday because I was feeling guilty about it. I was going to take him out and pay him back. It seemed fine and when I tried making plans, it freaked him out. It doesn't help that I'm a very sarcastic person. I asked him about a certain time and that time didn't work for him. And he was frustrated. I said, Sorry. I was just trying to figure things out not like the last minute plans when D and V came out here. *He had plans with friends the same night that me, him, D, and V were going to go to dinner. But he failed to mention it to me until the day OF and had to put the dinner together within the hour.*
He said those plans he made with his friends he made two weeks prior and I told him the week before about D and V. And I said, Well, thanks for telling me that you had plans that night and weren't available, when clearly you said you were.
He didn't text back so I sent him, "Why are we even arguing about this?"
He wrote back, "We are arguing because you always accuse me of stuff to make everything I do seem bad."

I wrote, "Well, start doing right things and I won't have to accuse you of doing wrong. :)"

Joke. Complete Joke.

He said, "I don't think I'm doing anything wrong."

I wanted to say, "I didn't get myself pregnant."
But instead of keeping up with the argument I just said, "I know. It's a joke."
He said, "It wasn't funny."
I said, "Sorry. I'll try to be funnier."

He didn't write back.
I tried talking to him the next day. I asked him if he was mad at me.
He said no.
I asked him if we still had plans because if we didn't then I had other plans.
He said, he didn't know.
I said, Well, let me know when you do. Or lets make some now.
He said, I don't think we should hang out.
I asked, Why?
He said, "Cause. I don't know. Seems like a pain to work out. And I don't know if it's a good idea anyway."
I asked, "Why?
He said, "Because you decided we aren't talking after the adoption. Which I agree with."
I said, "This is before the adoption. And I think we need to talk about that if I feel at all comfortable with you being in the hospital."
He said to me, "So you want to hang out but you don't want me there? Why is that?"
I said, "I didn't say what I wanted or didn't want."

He didn't write back... until today.

"I decided I'm not going to go to the hospital. If it's that big of a deal. I'll just see her after."

I freaked.

I tried to call him. He didn't answer and he decided to text me right before he left for work so he couldn't "talk to me about it."

I sent him, "N, I'm not trying to force you out of what you think is your rights. I jsut think we need to talk about this in person so I'm ready and you're ready for what is going to happen."

He wrote back, "No I decided that I'm just not going to. Quite frankly I think I am being treated very poorly in all this. I know I got the easier end of all this. But I still don't think I deserve all the crap I've gotten. So I'm done trying to please you. I made up my mind for myself."

I cried my eyes out reading that.
I was bitter. I won't lie to you. I had my friend try to talk me out of having all of his rights of even seeing her. I never want to experience something like this again in my life. This is the thought I have right now, I hope he has changed his life around and this doesn't happen to him again because I feel sorry for the next girl he does this to.
I honestly, didn't think it was that big of a deal. He made it a HUGE deal that we hang out. I don't know what it is. It's like he's a lot more uncomfortable hanging out with me when I'm actually fully clothed but comfortable enough to be in the hospital room, watching me go through labor and delivery half naked? I'm not about to embrace and love that idea.
I'm sick of being disappointed, disrespected, and taken advantage of.
There are texts that I wanted to send to him but decided to keep my mouth shut if there is anyway of working things out. I know, you're thinking, WHAT?! You actually want to work things out?! I don't like holding grudges with others. I don't like being fights with people. I know one thing for sure, if this doesn't work out, he will never see his daughter. I was telling my friend. It's sad to me that he's going to be a father soon but he's acting like a child. If he doesn't want to be there and not want to be the father then he doesn't get the rights of a father. He doesn't get to see her, hold her, nothing. It's not like he's been trying to be a father.
He always tried to guilt trip me in the beginning saying I needed to put our child first. When has he ever put her first in his life? To me, the reason why he suggested adoption, was because he thought of the responsibility that it takes to be a parent and he got scared and bailed out and he was "putting his child first." Just wondering if you guys were reading anywhere in those texts he was saying anything about her, all I could read was how HE'S been treated poorly. How HE'S been taking all this crap. How I'M the one that's put HIM up to things to please ME. He can't please himself? He can't think ONCE for anyone BUT himself, maybe think about his daughter? Think or appreciate the fact that I'll be HAVING HIS daughter? I'm sorry, I understand you love her. But I think I remember at some point you loved me, too.

If I even remember correctly, we were driving back from West Jordan and you said you loved me about a few hundred times and you kept wanting to say it because you didn't want me to forget it? Weird that I remember this and you can't. If you love your daughter at all, you can appreciate what I will have to go through sometime this month because of what you did, because of what WE did. As much as you don't want to think about it, I have to everyday. I dream, I have nightmares of losing my little girl. Of the heartbreak that I will have to go through. But it'll be worth it if it means my daughter will have the best life possible. How's that for putting your child first?
I don't have to accuse of you making you look bad. You do a good enough job doing that yourself.

I'm done with that drama.
Let's move on to happier things :)

Let's seeeeeeeee.

Tuesday night, I went and saw Post Grad with a few friends from work. That was a blast.

Wednesday, I had a dentist appointment. I have 2 cavities :( I'll be having them filled next Wednesday. If any of you know the dental field I have a DO on 2. And a DL on 9? Baha. I had group that night and we had a pamper night. A girl talked about her placement story. And some ladies from the FSA gave us hand/foot massages. AMAZING!
I loved.

Today, I had my doctors appointment. The first pelvic exam. AWKWARD.
I now weigh, 171 pounds. Tears my friend, and they are not of joy.
I'm measuring normal. The doctor said the heartbeat was good. I didn't see it in the computer and she didn't tell me the heart rate.
She did a cotton swab to test the strep-B. It's a bacteria that is not harmful to me but can be harmful to the baby.
The baby is pretty high up there... ha. She's head down. Not breech. :) I'm not dilated but I'm 50% effaced. I think the doctor was saying she was sort of guessing with the dilation because Olivia is so high up there it was hard for the doctor to get an exact reading of it unless she wanted to be down there longer and put me in a lot more discomfort.

"Dilation and effacement refer to the condition of the cervix during pregnancy and labor. Dilation refers to the opening of the cervix, while effacement refers to the "ripening" (thinning and softening) of the cervix.
Dilation is measured in centimeters, from 0 to 10. Your cervix is fully open and you should be able to push when it is dilated to 10 centimeters. Occasionally, a physician will measure dilation in "fingers." Dilation often begins days or weeks before labor actually begins. At first, the progress may be very slow. Some women may be dilated 2 to 3 centimeters long before labor. Once active labor begins, you will begin to dilate more quickly.
Your cervix prepares for birth by softening and thinning. You won't feel this happening; it may only be measure with a vaginal exam. Effacement is measured in percent. When your cervix is normal, it is considered to be 0% effaced. When you're 50% effaced, your cervix is half its original thickness. When your cervix is 100% effaced it is completely thinned out and you are ready for vaginal delivery."
I'm trying everything I can to get this process sped up. That's for sure. Ha. I'm at the point where I am excited to have a baby. But more excited to have her out of me. Haha. That sounds so bad but it's been a lot more uncomfortable lately. Breathing. Sitting. Bending. I didn't think it'd get this bad. I thought I was in pretty good shape. Baha. I was WRONG.
I googled how to ripen your cervix... ha. One thing. I can't do because... I'm not married.
Well, obviously. That didn't stop me before ;) Just kidding.
My sister told me that Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, evening Primrose Oil Pills and walking helps.
You know what my new favorite beverage and drug is :)

The doctor was telling me that I have a pretty increased chance of having a C-section if I went into labor now because of my cervix? I don't know. Ha. And if she were to induce me before my due date that would increase the C-section risk as well. So she would induce me after my due date if I hadn't gone naturally. My only request that I had was that she was born in September. She's my September baby. She will NOT be born in October. I refuse!

The comment that may have made my day for me is that, my friend K's dad said to me, "You carry your baby well." haha. I laughed and said thanks? He said, "No, really, I mean, you look so skinny everywhere else but your belly." haha. I really laughed at that. I feel good I look skinny everywhere else. I hope this means I'll be skinny again post pregnancy.
I thought I would also post this picture.

My mom got this for Olivia. Her first Halloween costume. A cute little flower :) I can't wait to be getting pictures of her in this. :) She'll be a month old then! WHOA! I'm hoping D and V haven't gotten one for her yet. If they have, she now has two :)
What has been making me smile every day is when I receive a text. Every time I receive a text instead of having it on vibrate. It says, "Auto bots! Transform! And roll out! *Transformer transforming noises.*" Judge me.

Also, my ring tone is the Sailor Moon theme song ring tone.
No lies, my favorite cartoon when I was a young child.

For those of you who are not aware of this show. Sailor Moon was the Hannah Montana of my youth. Except for Sailor Moon was not half student half pop star, SO much cooler. Half student half SUPER HERO! Sailor Moon pwns Hannah Montana ANYDAY.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

35 weeks.

So, I haven't posted in a week.
I know. I'm so lame.
Mostly because my life is not filled with that much drama. WHOA. WHAT?! NO DRAMA?! Okay, there has been drama but nothing big. Haha.

I'm kind of a hater of my tickers. I know I made them that way but tomorrow is a MONTH until my due date. Yeah. 4 weeks. Not even real.
So sometime this week I'm 36 weeks. I'm going to say on the 27th is when I'm 36 weeks because I counted from my due date and that's when I would be 36 weeks. I've been off but I can't find my calendar where I wrote in the dates and it shows what week I'm actually on. I kind of just give up. Ha.
I'll be 36 weeks this week. Got it?

I've been a lot more uncomfortable lately. I've had more Braxton Hicks lately. Yesterday, I was sneezing a lot. I had a stuffy nose or something but every time I sneezed I had a sharp pain at the top of my belly. I'm pretty sure she had some sort of leg/arm/elbow/foot something just chilling there because it was not the best feeling in the world.
My family and I played Settlers of Catan until like 2 in the morning and even when I laughed, it hurt.
I did not win. I think I took 3rd. My dad obviously got to 10 victory points. I think RuthAnn got to 8? I got to 7.

My poor little Jasper was on the balcony last night. We don't ever let him outside. My mom is afraid someone might steal him because he's so beautiful.
I'm afraid since he's just so fiesty he's going to get himself killed. Ha.
My dad came across a hornets nest while BBQing and I guess there was a hornet on the deck and Jasper was playing with it. He got stung :( I tried to comfort, hold, and love him. But he was too freaked out and I have this battle wound on my hand. Ha. He's better now. It just freaked him out. I felt bad because I couldn't do anything to make him better.

I also haven't posted because I'm trying to have a life. :) ha. Whatever that means.

I think Monday, I had to work. Tuesday... I worked in the morning and I tried to make plans with people but instead I sat at home and watched TV with RuthAnn. Baha. Wednesday I hung out with my friend K and we went to group together. It was a birth mom panel, we mostly talked about placement and post placement and their experience with that.
I enjoyed a lot of what they had to say. 3 out of the 4 girls had closed adoptions.
They basically said to keep yourself preoccupied after everything and to be motivated or else you'll get stuck. And a few of them had gone back into their old life style and they thought to themselves, why did I even have that whole experience and just throw it all away? So they changed. I think all of them were married in the temple and had their own kids.
I remember in the birthmom panel thing one of the girls said, What bothered me is that people would talk and say that I was the bishop's daughter and was pregnant and all I had to think is, "So what? Your daughters or your neighbors daughters are doing it, just because some sins show doesn't make me or my family awful." And it's SO true. N's family doesn't have to deal with it at all and they get to live their lives normally and don't have to show that their son had sinned. But my family gets judged because their daughter has. It's unfair all the time.

Later Wednesday night, my parents and I went to see a family friend in the hospital who just had her baby a few days before. So cute :)
Then I went to Provo to hang out with RuthAnn and we saw The Time Travelers Wife. :) So worth it.

Thursday, I worked during the day and then that night I hung out with K. We went to Wal*Mart and purchased 17 Again. Oh Zac Efron.
My FAVORITE scene of all time!
I just love how he talks about seeing his daughter for the first time when she's born. Oh man. I almost cry every single time.

Friday day I hung out with K. I think we ended up finally watching 17 Again. I think we only had time to purchase 17 Again Thursday night. Then Friday night, I worked. And I forgot school is back in session... and so football season begins. It was HECKA busy.
I worked Saturday day. Then later I hung out with K. We were going to see a movie, but nothing is out that looks good. So we went to the mall. I saw THE cutest sweater/vest thing at Papaya that I must purchase. :) ha. Of course, I won't be able to wear it until after Olivia is born. But it's still freaking cute!
Then later that night I played games with my fambam. We played 2 rounds of Nertz (it's a card game it's combined speed and solitaire. The best!) then Settlers of Catan.

No church today because of the Oquirrh Mountain temple dedication.
I have no idea what I'm doing the rest of the day. I'll probably watch 17 Again. Go figure. Ha.

I have nothing else to write about. That's my update.
This week I work on Monday. Tuesday off. Dentist appointment and group on Wednesday. My first pelvic exam on Thursday with the doctor. Ew. My appointments are every week now. I might have plans on Friday... with... someone. You'll find out. Ha.
Then I probably work the rest of the week. I hope you all have a splendid week. Farewell. :)

Sunday, August 16, 2009



It had to be said.


Before Dustinn, Val, and Bradshaw left on Saturday they came over and we played Kingsburg with the expansion. Bradshaw LOVED the animals.

Bradshaw loving on Angel.

Bradshaw LOVED Jasper. I couldn't let him hold him or pet him because Jasper is still vicious and I didn't want Jasper biting Bradshaw. But every time I put Jasper away, Bradshaw would say, "MEOW!" And kept looking for Jasper. So cute :)

They had to go home that night :( They'll be back out here soon.
September 17th. EEEK. I don't even believe that it's almost September.
A MONTH until September 17th.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Olive Garden&Contractions

I can't really think of a title for this post. Ha. But I thought I would update. I've been so bad lately. So I'm doing it now.

Today, I woke up around noonish. Yep. I was tired. And I got on Facebook and saw a message from N saying, "What's wrong with your phone? I'm supposed to meet D and V today but I have no way of getting a hold of them." So I tried calling him on my phone. But, I realized I totally spaced on paying my phone bill. I called him on my house phone. He wanted to meet them around 2 or whatever. But it took me like an hour to try to get a hold of them because they are staying at a cabin and there is no reception out there and the phone that they had, it was busy. I got a hold of them around 1:45 and it would take them 45 minutes to get out there. Well, we decided to meet around 3. We went to Olive Garden.
Little did we know, N had already been to Olive Garden earlier. And he had the same server from before and she says to him, "I swear, I served your twin brother today!" And he says, "Actually that was me." I said, "That's embarrassing!"

Well, D and V were wanting to get to know N and asked him all these questions about himself. He talked about Soccer, Lacrosse, and Ballroom. Then talked about family and what he was interested in.
They did ask him about Olivia. They asked, "So if Olivia could have one of your traits which one would it be?" And he says, "I hope the trait she doesn't inherit is my stubbornness."
I couldn't help but laugh. I know that trait, all too well.
Then he said, "I would want her to have my openness and understanding." I honestly had to turn my head and try to stop smirking. I'm thinking, Really? YOU'RE understanding?! Where have you been the past 9 months?
He noticed that I did that and said, "She doesn't believe me with that." I said, "You're right. I don't. But I'm not going to say anything."
They asked him about how his family was handling it or how his parents handled it.

He was saying that his parents were kind of like we'll support you in whatever happens. And I guess NOW his mom is really excited for Olivia to be here. She's sad that one of her grandkids will be placed for adoption but she wants to make quilts for her and things like that.
I just thought that was weird. Because his parents have NEVER been supportive of it... well of me, anyway. I gave them my number after my 12 week appointment. I have never heard from them ONCE to see how I was doing or Olivia.
It's like, Yep. I'm the only one who got myself pregnant. Their son didn't get me pregnant. But he did help make their grandkid. Way to go. Sorry, that's just the way I see it.
He was saying that it was hard for him because he does care about Olivia and that it's his baby and he loves kids and wants to be there for her. It's just hard for him to be open with me because I get frustrated with him. I said to him, "I tell you what you can do, it's not that hard." He said, "I know. I try to do what I can."
He was telling D and V that he wants to be as open as possible with them and with Olivia. He would want D and V to tell him when they'll be in town so he can see Olivia. And he'll want pictures and stuff.
Let's see... the BEST part was. He was trying to make it sound like he's been there for me as much as possible.
He was like rubbing my belly and trying to feel her move. I'm like, excuse me? What are you doing? ha.
Because honestly, before. He would have NEVER done that. It was like he did it on purpose to show that he is involved.
We were talking about how the other day Olivia kicked V's sister's hand off my belly. And N was like, "She gets that from me."
When I was in Virginia I sent N a picture from the 3D/4D ultrasound from my phone and he says he's been showing it to everyone and how everyone compliments how beautiful she is. I'm like, "She gets that from me."
We were walking outside and he pointed out that my belly looked lopsided because lately, Olivia has been very fond of sitting on my left side. And he poked at it and he says, "That's her butt or something." I just turn to him and say, "How do you even know?!" And he says, "I don't. But I bet that's what it is. She's mooning me." You're the most understanding guy I've ever met. HA.

He then was trying to get affirmation that he has been doing a much better job at returning my texts and calls. I said to him, "No." Just flat out. He was like, "Come on! You know I have! Don't say no!" I just didn't say anything to that.

It was all sort of rushed because N had to leave at 4:30 to be with his friend. Right. Because he hasn't known about meeting with D and V for weeks. Yet. He thought it was last week. I just forgot about it? Really?
I hope some of you get my sense of humor.
I probably sound like I'm really hating on N. I don't hate him.
I just was frustrated and stressed trying to put everything together last minute because I didn't think we were going to go out to eat until later that night. And so then, I'm thinking. I'm glad that your friends are so much more important than meeting the people who are going to raise your daughter who NEVER come out here and live on the East coast. Glad to see where your priorities are.

I feel a lot of the stuff he was saying was inconsistent of what he has actually been doing. He says he's always there or tries to be. I have no idea. What do I even say to any of that? The only time I've been seeing effort is in the last month or so because he wants to be there when she's born and he knows I can take that away.
But I know, I would regret it more if I didn't let him see her.
To be honest, a lot of people have told me I've been TOO nice to him that he doesn't deserve anything.
They may be right, but I can't help it. I've tried to be mean but I always go back on my word because I care too much.

Let's see.

After that me, D, and V went to Shade then to the D.I.
My friend called me and invited me to see my friend in the hospital since she was due September 30 and her water broke on Sunday. Yep. So she's going to be having her baby early. She's been in the hospital since Sunday. It's sad.
At the hospital, right before we left, I had this FAT contraction. Ha. I'm going to be blunt. I was urinating and that's when it came. So I stopped because I was SO scared I was going to have my baby in the toilet. It's a legit fear after watching the show, I didn't know I was pregnant.
It lasted about 1-2 minutes. But I haven't had any since. No baby! Sorry!
It was all over, in the front and back, I sat down and just wanted to arch my back and make the pain go away.
Atleast it was in the hospital, probably the best place for me if I really did start going into labor.

V's mom gave me a card (and a gift card for a massage, GLORIOUS.) It was such a sweet card. Ha. I'm going to cry, but my favorite part in the card that she says, I hope she doesn't mind me sharing,
"I know I can't ease your discomfort but I hope this will help. You are truly an angel and full of love. Olivia is blessed to have 2 mothers who love her with all their hearts and want the very best for her."

It helped. ;) No worries.
She is also very blessed to have 4 sets of grandparents who love her as well.

34 weeks.

34 weeks along BABY!

So much stuff has been going on. I just don't ever have time to get on and just talk as much as I want to. Or sometimes I don't feel very open about my feelings. Meh. Well, I'll tell you what's been going on.
Things with me and my missionary have been pretty good. Except he's been having family issues and so he's been stressed out and haven't been able to see him. Then I also had a mental/emotional breakdown and it just wasn't a good time for either of us. There is a little bit of tension. I don't know if things will work out now. So I might not be dating him anymore. I told him it might've been the worst and the best time he came into my life. The worst because I'll be losing a daughter soon so I'm kind of a wreck. Then the best because he made me realize there are still good guys out there and he's been there for me a lot. I just wish I could be there for him when he needs it. I'm just going to let all this cool down before I start talking to him again. Lame. I know.
Just so everyone knows. He's a really great guy. It has nothing to do with him. I messed it up.

Wednesday night was the worst for me though. I don't know what was going on. I just broke down for about 4 hours and just bawled. I felt like I was starting over with being emotional about stuff in the beginning of my pregnancy. I almost was lost in a way.
I was excited for my sister who was in labor ALL day! I got a nephew at about 10 o' clock at night. But that was during the time I was just having a breakdown.
I've been hanging out with V at her family's cabin and playing Kingsburg and stuff. I stayed the night on Tuesday and watched the meteor shower. I left. On the ride down from the canyon, I was listening to this SUPER cheesy song from Camp Rock, it's called This is Me by Demi Lovato. But it just made me think of how much of a better person I am through everything that's been going on. Then I was thinking about N meeting D and V on Friday and how HE would react to meeting them. I don't expect this big reaction but I was thinking about it. What if he DID have a big reaction? What if he acted like he actually cared and realized someone else will be raising his daughter. I wish I could fast forward time for him to meet Olivia and be like, Oh, there really is a baby on the way and she's part me.
Wednesday, I had a doctors appointment. V came with me. I weighed at 167 I think. 3 pounds more than I was last doctors appointment. They checked my blood and my iron is up. Her heartbeat was in the 140's. I was measuring at 34, which was normal at 34 weeks? ha. Anyway. Then we went and did our own things and met up again for group at LDSFS. It was an adoptee panel. The oldest was 16 or 17, and the youngest was 12. They were all pretty closed adoptions. None of them have met their birthparents. It was really interesting. They were saying that they all looked up to their birthparents for what they did for them and how much of a great life they've had. The 12 year old boy was SO cute. I guess in school, he heard this kid being bullied for being adopted, the bully was saying, "Haha! You were adopted! Your parents didn't love you and they gave you up." The 12 year old boy says, "Guess what? It's cool that he's adopted. That means he has more parents than you and they're probably better than yours." He's 12 years old! I wouldn't have thought of that when I was 12! The oldest girl was bullied in school by her teacher and the other kids joined in about her being adopted and she yelled at the teacher and left the room crying. She was saying in moments of weakness, she thought about why her birthparents didn't love her enough to raise her. But then she thinks about it was for the better. They all knew that they wouldn't have been given so many opprotunities if their birthparents didn't place them for adoption. It was a pretty emotional group. One of the birthmoms in my group said that she was scared that her son was going to hate her for placing. I just don't think that way. I think when your kid understands what sacrifices you made to bring them into the world they will look up to you and think of you as the greatest person on the planet. Even though, sometimes, you might not be in the best place.
I still cried though because yes, you do get scared. I know I went through a time... a long time... that I hated my parents. If Olivia hated me for whatever reason and didn't want to speak to me. I knew I would have no say in it. My adoption will be pretty open, I'll see them every few months. They live out of state. If they lived in state, I would probably want to see them everyday. But that's why I wanted an out of state adoption. I want THEM to be a family. I don't want them to feel like they're babysitting her for me and I come to check up on them everyday or every week.
Then one girl who placed her daughter 2 weeks ago. She was talking about her experience at the hospital and at placement. She decided to bring her daughter home from the hospital one night and then place her the next day. I was talking to her later about it because I wondered if it was harder for her to place since she was able to bring her home and have her sleep in the same bed with her. She said she knew that's what she needed to do to place because she heard about it before about a girl bringing her baby home. Even though it was the hardest thing for her to place her, it brought an enormous amount of peace. And she was talking about how days after she would just pray for that peace from Heavenly Father. Because with that peace she knew that she could overcome anything and everything. I really hope I don't become distant from everyone and push everyone away and become distant and stay in a mourningful stage and not have peace. That peace for adoption is what has kept me going. The peace of knowing the family that is going to raise my baby is what has kept me going. The peace that she will have an awesome life is what is keeping me going.

Wednesday night, I had a moment of weakness. The other day at work, a guy said to me, "So is your daughter a mistake, since you're placing her for adoption?" I really thought this, "EXCUSE ME?! If you ever call my daughter a mistake, I'll punch you in the friggin' chin." I just said to him, "No, just because I'm not ready to be a parent, doesn't make her a mistake." I mean really, there is a reason why she is coming to this Earth now, at this time. I don't know what reason. Maybe the reason is so that way D and V can continue having a family. Even though my daughter will be sealed to them, we're all sealed to our families. We are one big connection so even though I'm not her Earthly parent, I know in the next life she will still be connected to me. I was able to provide a body for her, to experience life.
When I was 16, I had a pregnancy scare. I realize when you're younger you are a lot more selfish and more defiant. I didn't want to tell anyone or get anyone's advice. I did think about abortion. *I wasn't pregnant.* Just so you know.

Now being pregnant with Olivia, the only thing I considered was keeping or placing. Abortion did cross my mind, only saying NO to it. If things worked out with me and N, I was going to keep. Even if things didn't work out with me and N (which they didn't for a long time) I was going to keep. I was stubborn to single parent because I wanted N back in my life. How awkward. But my decision to place, wasn't for me, it wasn't for N, it was for Olivia. It was- I wanted my daughter to have everything, the greatest life, 2 parents, people who are a lot stronger than me, emotionally, spiritually, everything. And I've found that for her.

Anyway, with the thoughts of being selfish. I was NOT having second thoughts about keeping. It's just what would happen if I did keep. I mean, I want to be a mom SO bad now being pregnant with Olivia. I would love more than anything to be happily married and being able to raise my own children. I know later in life, I will be able to, if I ever get married. Ha. I just know that now after placing and putting Olivia first. I'll be able to be a better mom and put my childrens needs first before mine because I'm doing that with Olivia.

I got really personal and deleted a lot of what I said. So sorry if it doesn't make sense. I just had a feeling that I shouldn't share it that it's not worth sharing. It would just hurt me, not make anything better.

I went to G (V's sister) and JT's wedding reception. It was a lot of fun. They had a photobooth there. They had karaoke and dancing. Yep. It was a blast. I did feel a little bit weird because people would talk to D and V and be like, "Oh, I hear you're expecting... with adoption." Then they'd introduce me. I can't even describe their reaction. It was almost they felt awkward saying anything about it in front of me. I'm not a fragile soul. Don't worry. I had my big, fat emotional breakdown yesterday. It's over. I'm sure it won't be happening again before Olivia is born. If you have questions for me, I'm a pretty open person. I'll let you know if I don't want to answer something. I have realized since my breakdown that I've been kind of rude to everyone. RuthAnn says I've always been this way even before I was pregnant. Ha. I'm sure she was joking... Anyway. If I come off as rude or giving you dirty glares. I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant. Expect it.

Let's see. Since it's almost 3 in the morning on Friday. D and V are meeting N later today. I'm not excited, I'm not nervous either. I just want them to meet. I just hope N isn't like, "I don't have a good feeling about them." I'll just say, "That's too bad. I guess if you do. I'm keeping." I know that I really wouldn't but I'd be mean and play that "I'm keeping" card to scare him. Not anyone else. Ha.
I hope things go well. I'm sure he's not excited at all to meet them. I'm kind of doing it for myself to be prepared about what will be happening in a month. I want them to meet before I have her. Just so I don't stress myself out and think about him not having a connection with them so he can't have a connection with Olivia.
Anyway, I'm done. I haven't stayed up this late in a long time. I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

33 weeks.

This was Saturday at the FSA conference. I figure I'm going to finish up what I learned on Saturday. This is me and Andee. We took a picture because we were both matching. I guess they decided to take our picture at the same time... so we're looking at her camera. I'm sure her picture is a lot better than mine.
We honestly did not plan this matching, but everyone kept asking us. Accidental. I swear. I try not to coordinate my outfits with others. Please.

So, there was a birth parent panel in the morning. They had 3 birth moms and 1 birth father. It was very interesting.
We had lunch and then went to class. The first class was Who, When, and How to tell your adoption story.
How to tell your family, or boyfriends, or whoever.

I'm going off the notes that I have.

Be respectful if people ask you about your adoption and you're not ready to talk about it yet.
-If that is making any sense. I'm giving an example, if someone asks me or was like, "I heard you had a baby and placed for adoption." I could just say, "Yeah, but I'm not ready to talk about it right now." Instead of being snotty about it.

There is a time and a place to talk about it. Don't feel obligated. Stand proud- the world may view it differently but be confident in your story and the world can change.

Send the message of the joy and beauty- not just to tell it.
Speak positively of adoption push away the old image. Put a good face on adoption.
Share it with the utmost joy as you saw your baby's precious face.


They had a visual. They had a carton of (hardboiled) eggs. The egg was the adoption/story and she threw one egg and the lady was able to catch it. She threw two eggs at a time and she was able to kind of catch them but struggled. Then she threw a lot at a time and they were everywhere and she wasn't able to catch them all.

In this it means you don't have to show/tell everything on the first date. Just one egg at a time.

Finding out that you're a birth mom or did adoption, it's new to them. They don't know how to react. Even if it's simple and basic it could be too senstive. So just gradually let them know.

People can exploit or take advantage of your experience. Protect it.
Use disgression. Follow the spirit.
Have the spirit as your guide when telling your story.
Let them see the person you've become instead of the person you used to be or before you tell you tell your story.
When healed enough you will be able to tell your story.
If your story is told negatively- your story can become negative.

If there isn't a positive reaction within your family then there is time to fix it.

Family grieves with you.
Focus on yourself and don't be hurt by them.
Letters and updates.
Fullfill your needs, don't let them dictate your needs.
Tell them you need them, help, and support.

The ones who know the least, grieve the most.

Find your "rock"
Find people who completely understand. Have a support group for your healing.

Don't pretend it never happened, because it did.

Continue to build relationships.

Talk about it in a safe way for both parties.
Being a birth mom is not a negative thing. Birth moms aren't fornicators.
Let people know the positive (adoption) not the negative (sin).
It's not healthy to feel shame and to conceal how you feel.
"Who you are is NOT what you've done."
Listen to inner promptings.
"This experience is no longer for you."
You never know who needs to hear your story. You don't know where your story will end up.

The next class I went to was Desires, Expectations, and Disappointments.
This was about adoption and what you sort of expected from the adoptive couple and saw what actually happened after and how you feel. And how to deal with the disappointments.

Here are some desires and expectations:
Continual contact
Be told about major events.
Be considered part of their family.
Continual friendship.
You want to see the happiness and the completed family.
(one girl said that's the reason why we placed because if we kept it would've been broken and only a one parent home. But when we place we see the whole picture, the completed family.)

Greatest possiblity to be happy.

You're the birth mom instead of a friend.
You feel you took a step down from level of importance.
A piece of the process.
You aren't the parent.
Promises aren't kept.
Obligations aren't met.
Hope that they grow to love you as you, not as the person who provided them a child.
You don't want to feel like an obligation.

You want the family to be a "whole."

There is healing on both sides.
They feel as if you're only friends with them because they have your baby.

One girl said that she went to see her baby and hung out with the family.
The adoptive mom tried to "create" moments for her and her baby. Like take pictures and stuff.
But that's not what she wanted, she wanted.
She felt like she didn't want to get to know her or communicate. It was just a visit. Just a commitment.

The child misses out on blessings of family if it's torn apart.

Ways how to deal:

Take it a day at at ime. Live day to day- it's a process.
It takes two to make a relationship and also two to break one.
You can only be disappointed in yourself if you don't step up and do something. Don't be afraid to be open.

-Becoming a parent gives you a total different perspective on life.
Remember your child's future and the happiness your child will have.
Remember why you placed.
Time heals.
Give them time to establish a family.
Give them time to rediscover the relationship.
Be understanding.

There is a dynamic shift in the relationship after the baby is born.
The couple is unaware of the friendship you want.

Take ownership. Grieve in the moment. Count your blessings.

The last class was Letting Go and Moving Forward.

There were two birthmoms who lead this discussion. They told their story of finding out, choosing adoption, and then placement.

This is their advice.

Be an example.
Learn how to love yourselves.
You did placement because you love your child and yourself.

Make goals after placement.
1. Be spiritual.
  • church
  • scriptures
  • prayer
  • journals
2. Physical
  • exercise
  • eat well
3. Emotional (Stronger)
  • Self-help books
4. Financial
  • Learn to budget
5. Social
  • Find "good" friends
  • Support system
  • Make social dates

"Let go"
What's my place after placement?
Be an example to your son/daughter.
Allow your couple to be the family.

Set boundaries and rules while dating. Get to know them as a friend.
Date the good guys who will be okay with your experience.
Accept you and work past it.

Move past mistakes and become a better person.
A year after the adoption don't make any big decisions.
Take it slow.
Value education.
You have to work hard to become better.
Come out a better person after pregnancy.
It's easy to go back into old habits.

Have GOALS, work towards them.
After you choose what's right for your baby, you have to choose what's right for yourself.
Strive to prepare yourself for your own family. Be your best to be in the best situations.
Don't let the mistake, define you.
Hold your head high in confidence.
The Atonement will take care of you.
Don't be ashamed of adoption or a birthmother.
Don't let go and don't forget what you learned.
You're in a battle, everyday.
This process made you who you are today.
Love what you stand for.

How are you moving forward?

You will move on.
Have boundaries. Express desires. Support the couples decisions because you trusted them with your child.
Be confident with the openness. No doubts will happen.
Respect the couple.
Set the expectations day to day.
Let teh child know their origins. Do what's best for your child after placement.

Understand your role.
You're not the mother/parent, they are.
It takes years to learn who you are and respect yourself.
Self-respect and self-esteem.
Don't let go of it all.

Let go of guilt and shame and being her/his mother.
Don't let go of family and the learning experience.

Trials come and go. Remember the love Heavenly Father had for you during your time and your closeness to Him.

Those are all of my notes.

So, I had my date later that night.

I'm not saying his name because things aren't serious and I don't want you guys asking me about him on my blog or Facebook (he has a FB, don't stalk). Ha.
Or I don't want him to be creeped out. I told him I have a blog. I hope he doesn't try to find it. I don't care if he does, but if he reads the things I say, he'll probably think I'm a FREAK.

My date on Saturday was MAGICAL. We ended up leaving around 5ish from Layton. It took me an hour and a half to get home. I told him to meet me at my house at 6:30. I had to drop two girls off at their house, then get home. So by the time I got there, he was already there. And I was so hoping to look sort of good. Then I just gave up. I brought my stuff in and he talked to my dad. They found out they served in the same exact area. My dad pretty much loved it. Then after that we went to JCW's by my house and ate food and talked. Ha. Mostly about future stuff. I asked him about school.
He's finishing his generals up at Salt Lake Community College then transfer to BYU. He wants to start his own business. But he's not sure what he's going to do yet. He was so funny. He asked, "So can you go boating while you're pregnant?" I just said, "Uh... yeah. I think so. I probably just can't do all the water skiing and tubing and stuff." He was like, "We should go." I said, "Uh, while I'm pregnant?" He said it'd be too cold if we waited until after. I said it was true.
He asked me about N at this time. I really didn't want to bring him up at all. He was just like, "So, how far away does the sperm donor live?" I just said, "Oh, he lives like 10 minutes East." He said, "Oh." I said, "Yeah, But it's not like I ever run into him. Only when he's working." And he asked where he works. I told him Wal*Mart. He then asked, "So... what's his name?" I said, "I'm not telling you! You might go after him!" He laughed and he said he wouldn't but he looked familiar. So I just said his name was N. And then he says, Alright. He's going DOWN. Haha.
Then we went to a park by my house and swung on swings. We sort of just talked about our families and stuff and what he's been up to. He was asking me stuff about the adoption. I'm trying to think... he asked me about the hospital and how long I have to stay there. So I told him I have her then 24 hours later I relinquish my rights and then when I get discharged from the hospital. I do placement. Where I physically place Olivia in the adoptive couples arms. I told him I heard it was the worst/best day. Worst because you're losing a child. Best because you're giving something to someone that they can't give themselves. And he says to me, that just shows what kind of person you are. and you're amazing. i don't think i could ever do anything like that.
We were sitting at the bottom of some slides at the time just talking. And Olivia had the hiccups. And he asked me before if he could feel her if she moved. That's the most she moved that whole night. I think she was nervous ;) ha. He felt them and thought it was the coolest thing ever.
We went back to my house and taught him how to play Kingsburg. It was just me, him, and my dad. K and my mom were out doing some errands. My dad beat both of us. But I beat my date. He said he's going to win next time. You know how the expansion set for Kingsburg came out this month? Well, we have it. And my dad taught us how to play it but we didn't have enough time to play it.

Anyway, after that we had family prayer and he joined us. Then I walked him out to his car. And I hugged him and he kissed me on the cheek. I told him good night and started to walk away and he said, Wait. I turned around and he just grabbed me and kissed me. Um, YEAH. This is FOR REAL.
He then said he would call me or text me on Sunday if he could come over.
He didn't come over on Sunday because he had a fireside to go to. He asked me how Olivia was.

Sunday I got some pictures done by my friend Michelle, she hasn't posted any yet. But when she does. I'll post them :)

Then Monday we were talking about work and how I'd have to get work off before and after Olivia was born. I would just play it day by day after because I don't know how I'll react to the adoption. He wrote back, If you need help, I'm here for you. I told him he probably wouldn't want to be around me because I'll be an emotional wreck. He wrote back, Nah. That's when I'll be closest to you, because you'll need it most.

He was going to go to my group at LDSFS with me, yesterday, but he couldn't get work off early enough. We hung out after though. We ate dinner with my family. Him and my dad swapped mission stories.
It was interesting to hear about them. They talked a lot about the crazy gangs and being robbed and stuff. Ha. Yeah, I guess at one point on his mission he got robbed at gun point. WHAT THE HECK?! And he wants to go back to Brazil?!? haha. That scares me.
We then went to the dollar theater and watched Terminator. He hadn't seen it yet since he just got home like a month ago. He hasn't seen Star Trek either.

Yes, I might be seeing him again on Friday. One of his friends is getting married, but he's not sure if he's going to the reception because it's pretty far. But if he does, he'll come see me after since it's on the way home to his house.
That's all I got.

33 weeks along.

I get to see D and V next week :)
V will probably be going with me to my doctors appointment on Wednesday and to group!
It'll be cool if she goes, they're actually doing an adoptive child panel. Where kids who have been adopted talk about their experiences being adopted and about their birth parents, if they have contact with them at all.
V's sister is getting married. I'm planning on going to the reception and stuff.
Then Friday V and D are going to meet N. If he doesn't bail.
No set plans for Saturday. Probably Kingsburg. :) We just got the expansion, and they'll have fun trying to play that. And D needs to win sometime!