Midnight.

It's midnight. It's finally September. It honestly has felt like it would NEVER get here. Ha. That I would just be stuck being pregnant forever. SURPRISE. I'm not going to be :)


Here I am, 36 weeks pregnant. WOOT. I'll be 37 weeks on Thursday. And I have a doctors appointment that day. I'm hoping I'll be dilated to atleast a 1. It's a hope of mine. I've had some contractions, false labor is not a pleasant thing for me. Can it be real yet? Haha. More Braxton Hicks so maybe I'll be more effaced? That's what I hear is that you get more effaced with Braxton Hicks. I've been trying to walk around a lot more and such.

Today, I kind of sat around and did nothing until I went to work. I was feeling sick earlier. No beuno. But I slept for like 12 hours last night. But that might be why since I didn't eat during those 12 hours. Olivia probably wasn't a happy camper. I'm feeling better now. No worries.

Oh. Before I go into a story. I thought I would update you about the N situation.

My friend had talked to him while he was on his lunch break that day that he sent me those texts. And she told him how I reacted and told him her story of when she was at the hospital and when she placed. How I was feeling more uncomfortable with the thought of him seeing me exposed like that then the thought of him being there, so I wanted him and me to be prepared for it and that's why I wanted to see him. And he was saying something to her that I probably talk crap about him all the time. She was like, "Actually. She doesn't. What she honestly tells me is that you're a great guy and could be an awesome dad." They talked more but I can't really remember what was said. Ha. I'm sure he knows I was in the room listening. He should've expected it. She told him that we were going to talk the next day.
So I called him on Friday around noon. And he was asleep? Ha. It sounded like he had just barely woken up. So I said we should probably talk about yesterday because I'm just wondering if you want to be there. And he was saying to me that he didn't think he should be there because it sounded like I didn't want him there and that it'd be a big deal. And that it seemed complicated so he misunderstood why I wanted to talk to him about it. I said to him, Listen. If I didn't want you there. I wouldn't be talking to you right now. And I did want to talk about it and how uncomfortable it'll be because it will. But also it'll be a good thing because he'll be able to see his daughter be born. He was totally okay with just being in the waiting room. I just don't even feel comfortable with that. I told him what I kind of planned for him if he was at work or something I would just update him and tell him when it would be a good time for him to come in or if I went into labor before he went to work he could just come before but it'd be a while if I went into labor on my own. So I told him if I was induced I would probably just expect him to be there the whole time on the scheduled day. He was kind of iffy about a lot of things and I finally just had to say to him. I'm comfortable with whatever you want to do. I'm asking you because I don't know what you want and I'm just seeing what is alright with you. He said he wants to be on the birth certificate so he'll be there when I sign away my rights because he has to sign his away too. He wants to be there on placement day if he's not working at all. I asked him about the visitation he wants at the hospital. Ha. It was so funny to me. He said, "Well. I don't want to wear you out if I come visit." I said to him, "You're not going to be wearing me out. I'll already be worn out. It doesn't matter. I want visitors. I just don't want you to say you want to visit and then you don't."
He said something that he didn't want it to seem like he was getting all these privileges and I had to tell him. Well, that's why I ask you to do things for me so you do feel involved. I don't do it just to be mean or evil. So that way he feels like he's done his part during the pregnancy and gets the rewards after.

Well, last night, I went to bed early. I was tired and I was getting kind of emotional. I was thinking about placement. I imagine about what Olivia will look like and the hours and hours how I'll just look at her and be in complete awe of making a life and having her be my daughter and then placing her in the arms of someone else and have her be their daughter. There are days it hurts me and I'd love more than anything to be her mom.

N was supposed to come over today so I could pay him back but he couldn't get a car before he left for work. I was working tonight and I guess people from his ward/fhe group came in to get food. I was shaking and nervous the whole time. He was talking to people. I was thinking the worst that he came in with a girl. I don't know why. I wouldn't think he would because he probably knows me all too well that I would tell her. He kept looking over at me and I was like, okay, what do I do? I don't want to approach him because I know he doesn't want everyone knowing in his ward that I'm the girl he knocked up. I waited until he acknowledged me. He gave me a high five... Yep. I'm having his baby and he gives me a high five?
I'll live with it.
He apologized about not coming over earlier. I said I didn't care but I had the money if he wanted it. He said sure. I came back over and he was like, "So have you been telling stories about me?" I said sarcastically, "All the time." And he was like, "Well, that guy (he said something else but I don't like that word so I'll edit it) over there keeps giving me glares." I had him point out which one. I said, "I'll talk to him." Ha.
He was walking away and I asked, "Are you getting anything?" He said No. He went to the back and talked with people from his ward. And then right before he left he was just leaning against the wall while I was taking an order and he waited until I was done and said, "I just wanted to say bye." I didn't know what he wanted? Ha. I just said, "Okay, bye." Haha. Anyway.

So, I went over to the guy who was giving N glares and asked him why. He told me, "I don't understand why N would do that to you. J (this other guy that we work with) who is a druggie, knocked up his 15 year old girlfriend and is fathering his child. From what I can see, N doesn't look like that kind of guy and him doing that to you and his own baby, is really messed up."
It does hurt sometimes to hear things like that. I mean, yes. I would love more than anything that if N stepped up in the beginning and we got married and were able to raise our baby. But at the same time, I'm glad it didn't happen because of what has happened and what I've been through with N. I mean, I would've just had to find out later that N only did it for his daughter and not because he loved me. It's taken me a while to realize it, but I think part of the reason why I've been so bitter or resentful towards N, is because he's kept me from the thing I can't have. I can't have my daughter because of him. I could have her and raise her myself but I'm very for having a two parent home. That basically was my deciding factor of choosing adoption.
So I guess I more resent him not stepping up in the beginning so that way he and I could be together and raise her. But I'm happy that he didn't because I now can see the full picture and know that she belongs with D and V. I can see them as a complete family. N and I would probably be a complete BROKEN family. I wouldn't want Olivia to grow up in a home like that.
I'm just in a moment of weakness where I'm just thinking about how I'd love more than anything to just be happy and wished everything happened the right way so I could keep her. But things happen for a reason.

That's all I got.



I made this video while Olivia was super active. You don't need the sound. I probably am breathing heavily and I'm watching the Tyra Banks show. She's sort of camera shy so she was more active when I wasn't recording but there's a time where she does a wave thing. It's like a minute into the video. It's more on the left side you see her moving.

I thought this was a funny story. I mentioned before I went to a theraputic boarding school my senior year. It's called West Ridge Academy. My brother in-law and my sister came over to our house on Sunday and I guess someone he works with mentioned that their step daughter just started at WRA. And my brother in-law mentioned that his sister in-law went there. The lady was curious and asked how I was and if it helped. And all he said to her was, "Well, she's pregnant." Baha.
I found it hilarious.

Anyway, I must sleep as I work tomorrow morning. Farewell. :)