Friday, August 28, 2009

36 weeks.

Man, I should've knocked on wood my last post with the no drama thing. BAM. Now it's everywhere! Okay, not everywhere. Just in one part of my life.
Which happens to be the same part every time. Baby daddy drama.

I know, you guys are probably hating on me for posting so much about N. But listen, this is reality. Well, for some girls it is. Some girls choose not to let their BD be involved or the BD chooses not to be. N has ALWAYS been a fence sitter. I wrote him a letter back in April telling him that he needed to decide if he was going to stick around and help me out. When I contacted him two weeks later he said he didn't think he should write back because I was "venting." I'm pregnant and hormonal. When do I NOT vent?
As much as I wish and sometimes don't wish that N is involved in this or a part of this. He is. He was saying something to a friend that he feels that I don't want him to be involved. If I didn't want him to be involved wouldn't I have not even told him I was pregnant? Would I have even told him anything or be a part of his daughters life?
I guess partly, you can say I've been a fence sitter too. I was terribly stubborn in the beginning of my pregnancy, in hopes, that me and N would get back together and raise this baby. I thought he was in love with me. I was naive. I was hoping for a prince to save me. I got nothing. He was my knight in shining armor in one point of my life. But once responsibility came knocking at his door, he refused to open it. I had to take that responsibility for him.
Someone told me today that I need to do what I should've done 6 months ago and just left him out of everything. I have had NO intention of taking away his rights away as a father. I tried so hard to work it out with him. I've tried to do everything I could to listen to him and his requests. His requests to be in the room, to cut the cord, to have every right a father should have to bond with his son/daughter. I had no idea that Nic was going to be so hurt when I told him I asked D to cut Olivia's cord. N got emotional about it. I got emotional about it because I didn't want to hurt D and V, at the same time, I didn't want to hurt N.
I was VERY uncomfortable with the thought of N being in the hospital room when she's born. It's sort of a big deal. And, I'm EXPOSING myself to the world. Not anyone or N has seen that part of me in a LONG time. I'm not just going to put it out on display for him either. I had to mentally be okay with him being there.

Then, listen. N let me borrow money from him for the FSA conference. He's going to be SO mad when he reads this. I asked him to see if he would actually do it. I put him up to a test. He did. I was going to pay him back this Friday because I was feeling guilty about it. I was going to take him out and pay him back. It seemed fine and when I tried making plans, it freaked him out. It doesn't help that I'm a very sarcastic person. I asked him about a certain time and that time didn't work for him. And he was frustrated. I said, Sorry. I was just trying to figure things out not like the last minute plans when D and V came out here. *He had plans with friends the same night that me, him, D, and V were going to go to dinner. But he failed to mention it to me until the day OF and had to put the dinner together within the hour.*
He said those plans he made with his friends he made two weeks prior and I told him the week before about D and V. And I said, Well, thanks for telling me that you had plans that night and weren't available, when clearly you said you were.
He didn't text back so I sent him, "Why are we even arguing about this?"
He wrote back, "We are arguing because you always accuse me of stuff to make everything I do seem bad."

I wrote, "Well, start doing right things and I won't have to accuse you of doing wrong. :)"

Joke. Complete Joke.

He said, "I don't think I'm doing anything wrong."

I wanted to say, "I didn't get myself pregnant."
But instead of keeping up with the argument I just said, "I know. It's a joke."
He said, "It wasn't funny."
I said, "Sorry. I'll try to be funnier."

He didn't write back.
I tried talking to him the next day. I asked him if he was mad at me.
He said no.
I asked him if we still had plans because if we didn't then I had other plans.
He said, he didn't know.
I said, Well, let me know when you do. Or lets make some now.
He said, I don't think we should hang out.
I asked, Why?
He said, "Cause. I don't know. Seems like a pain to work out. And I don't know if it's a good idea anyway."
I asked, "Why?
He said, "Because you decided we aren't talking after the adoption. Which I agree with."
I said, "This is before the adoption. And I think we need to talk about that if I feel at all comfortable with you being in the hospital."
He said to me, "So you want to hang out but you don't want me there? Why is that?"
I said, "I didn't say what I wanted or didn't want."

He didn't write back... until today.

"I decided I'm not going to go to the hospital. If it's that big of a deal. I'll just see her after."

I freaked.

I tried to call him. He didn't answer and he decided to text me right before he left for work so he couldn't "talk to me about it."

I sent him, "N, I'm not trying to force you out of what you think is your rights. I jsut think we need to talk about this in person so I'm ready and you're ready for what is going to happen."

He wrote back, "No I decided that I'm just not going to. Quite frankly I think I am being treated very poorly in all this. I know I got the easier end of all this. But I still don't think I deserve all the crap I've gotten. So I'm done trying to please you. I made up my mind for myself."

I cried my eyes out reading that.
I was bitter. I won't lie to you. I had my friend try to talk me out of having all of his rights of even seeing her. I never want to experience something like this again in my life. This is the thought I have right now, I hope he has changed his life around and this doesn't happen to him again because I feel sorry for the next girl he does this to.
I honestly, didn't think it was that big of a deal. He made it a HUGE deal that we hang out. I don't know what it is. It's like he's a lot more uncomfortable hanging out with me when I'm actually fully clothed but comfortable enough to be in the hospital room, watching me go through labor and delivery half naked? I'm not about to embrace and love that idea.
I'm sick of being disappointed, disrespected, and taken advantage of.
There are texts that I wanted to send to him but decided to keep my mouth shut if there is anyway of working things out. I know, you're thinking, WHAT?! You actually want to work things out?! I don't like holding grudges with others. I don't like being fights with people. I know one thing for sure, if this doesn't work out, he will never see his daughter. I was telling my friend. It's sad to me that he's going to be a father soon but he's acting like a child. If he doesn't want to be there and not want to be the father then he doesn't get the rights of a father. He doesn't get to see her, hold her, nothing. It's not like he's been trying to be a father.
He always tried to guilt trip me in the beginning saying I needed to put our child first. When has he ever put her first in his life? To me, the reason why he suggested adoption, was because he thought of the responsibility that it takes to be a parent and he got scared and bailed out and he was "putting his child first." Just wondering if you guys were reading anywhere in those texts he was saying anything about her, all I could read was how HE'S been treated poorly. How HE'S been taking all this crap. How I'M the one that's put HIM up to things to please ME. He can't please himself? He can't think ONCE for anyone BUT himself, maybe think about his daughter? Think or appreciate the fact that I'll be HAVING HIS daughter? I'm sorry, I understand you love her. But I think I remember at some point you loved me, too.

If I even remember correctly, we were driving back from West Jordan and you said you loved me about a few hundred times and you kept wanting to say it because you didn't want me to forget it? Weird that I remember this and you can't. If you love your daughter at all, you can appreciate what I will have to go through sometime this month because of what you did, because of what WE did. As much as you don't want to think about it, I have to everyday. I dream, I have nightmares of losing my little girl. Of the heartbreak that I will have to go through. But it'll be worth it if it means my daughter will have the best life possible. How's that for putting your child first?
I don't have to accuse of you making you look bad. You do a good enough job doing that yourself.

I'm done with that drama.
Let's move on to happier things :)

Let's seeeeeeeee.

Tuesday night, I went and saw Post Grad with a few friends from work. That was a blast.

Wednesday, I had a dentist appointment. I have 2 cavities :( I'll be having them filled next Wednesday. If any of you know the dental field I have a DO on 2. And a DL on 9? Baha. I had group that night and we had a pamper night. A girl talked about her placement story. And some ladies from the FSA gave us hand/foot massages. AMAZING!
I loved.

Today, I had my doctors appointment. The first pelvic exam. AWKWARD.
I now weigh, 171 pounds. Tears my friend, and they are not of joy.
I'm measuring normal. The doctor said the heartbeat was good. I didn't see it in the computer and she didn't tell me the heart rate.
She did a cotton swab to test the strep-B. It's a bacteria that is not harmful to me but can be harmful to the baby.
The baby is pretty high up there... ha. She's head down. Not breech. :) I'm not dilated but I'm 50% effaced. I think the doctor was saying she was sort of guessing with the dilation because Olivia is so high up there it was hard for the doctor to get an exact reading of it unless she wanted to be down there longer and put me in a lot more discomfort.

"Dilation and effacement refer to the condition of the cervix during pregnancy and labor. Dilation refers to the opening of the cervix, while effacement refers to the "ripening" (thinning and softening) of the cervix.
Dilation is measured in centimeters, from 0 to 10. Your cervix is fully open and you should be able to push when it is dilated to 10 centimeters. Occasionally, a physician will measure dilation in "fingers." Dilation often begins days or weeks before labor actually begins. At first, the progress may be very slow. Some women may be dilated 2 to 3 centimeters long before labor. Once active labor begins, you will begin to dilate more quickly.
Your cervix prepares for birth by softening and thinning. You won't feel this happening; it may only be measure with a vaginal exam. Effacement is measured in percent. When your cervix is normal, it is considered to be 0% effaced. When you're 50% effaced, your cervix is half its original thickness. When your cervix is 100% effaced it is completely thinned out and you are ready for vaginal delivery."
I'm trying everything I can to get this process sped up. That's for sure. Ha. I'm at the point where I am excited to have a baby. But more excited to have her out of me. Haha. That sounds so bad but it's been a lot more uncomfortable lately. Breathing. Sitting. Bending. I didn't think it'd get this bad. I thought I was in pretty good shape. Baha. I was WRONG.
I googled how to ripen your cervix... ha. One thing. I can't do because... I'm not married.
Well, obviously. That didn't stop me before ;) Just kidding.
My sister told me that Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, evening Primrose Oil Pills and walking helps.
You know what my new favorite beverage and drug is :)

The doctor was telling me that I have a pretty increased chance of having a C-section if I went into labor now because of my cervix? I don't know. Ha. And if she were to induce me before my due date that would increase the C-section risk as well. So she would induce me after my due date if I hadn't gone naturally. My only request that I had was that she was born in September. She's my September baby. She will NOT be born in October. I refuse!

The comment that may have made my day for me is that, my friend K's dad said to me, "You carry your baby well." haha. I laughed and said thanks? He said, "No, really, I mean, you look so skinny everywhere else but your belly." haha. I really laughed at that. I feel good I look skinny everywhere else. I hope this means I'll be skinny again post pregnancy.
I thought I would also post this picture.

My mom got this for Olivia. Her first Halloween costume. A cute little flower :) I can't wait to be getting pictures of her in this. :) She'll be a month old then! WHOA! I'm hoping D and V haven't gotten one for her yet. If they have, she now has two :)
What has been making me smile every day is when I receive a text. Every time I receive a text instead of having it on vibrate. It says, "Auto bots! Transform! And roll out! *Transformer transforming noises.*" Judge me.

Also, my ring tone is the Sailor Moon theme song ring tone.
No lies, my favorite cartoon when I was a young child.

For those of you who are not aware of this show. Sailor Moon was the Hannah Montana of my youth. Except for Sailor Moon was not half student half pop star, SO much cooler. Half student half SUPER HERO! Sailor Moon pwns Hannah Montana ANYDAY.


  1. I love the Halloween outfit!:) To cute!! Keep your head up and everything will work out with BD!

  2. Of course Oliiva will wear the halloween costume! Val's already thinking of complementary costumes for Bradshaw to wear with Olivia.

  3. ok, you make me cry. your blog is so much better than mine! and you know my opinion of BD...sigh. we need to play...soon!

  4. Oh my gosh-SO much to say about this post... Loved it!
    Firstly I love that you bolded "dilation" and "effacement"- if I had any doubts as to what they meant before, I don't now!
    Now, when you google anything that starts with "how to" does ripening your cervix always pop up? thats funny.
    Wowzers I can't believe its already your 36th week. I cannot wait to meet this little bundle of joy!
    Lastly, we're in the same generation- why have I never heard of Sailor Moon before? The girls look a bit familiar, but not enough to remind me of this amazing show you seem to love.
    Anywho- I'm back in Provo for school! Send me a text or something, its been too long. :)

  5. I don't think I've ever seen a cuter little girl costume. Olivia will be especially adorable in it. Awww.

    Have fun at the dentist tomorrow! (haha that's sounds like an oxymoron but I know you are one of the few who enjoy the dentist.)

  6. Aww! Cute Costume! Ahh! I feel like I am so behind on your blog like crazy! I hope to get internet at my apartment soon, cause yeah! I'm going nuts! :P Ahh! I can't believe it's September though! I am so dang excited! And I hope I am not working on the day you have Olivia so I can come and visit you at the hospital! :D Shoot me a text when you'd like me to come see you and your sweet Daughter! :D I am in Lehi for Labor day Weekend... so I will be at church tomorrow at the singles ward... I hope to be able to see you there... if I don't see you... Love ya! And I hope things will get better with Nic! Tell him that I think he is a Bum for me ok? LOL ;)