Friday, August 14, 2009

34 weeks.

34 weeks along BABY!

So much stuff has been going on. I just don't ever have time to get on and just talk as much as I want to. Or sometimes I don't feel very open about my feelings. Meh. Well, I'll tell you what's been going on.
Things with me and my missionary have been pretty good. Except he's been having family issues and so he's been stressed out and haven't been able to see him. Then I also had a mental/emotional breakdown and it just wasn't a good time for either of us. There is a little bit of tension. I don't know if things will work out now. So I might not be dating him anymore. I told him it might've been the worst and the best time he came into my life. The worst because I'll be losing a daughter soon so I'm kind of a wreck. Then the best because he made me realize there are still good guys out there and he's been there for me a lot. I just wish I could be there for him when he needs it. I'm just going to let all this cool down before I start talking to him again. Lame. I know.
Just so everyone knows. He's a really great guy. It has nothing to do with him. I messed it up.

Wednesday night was the worst for me though. I don't know what was going on. I just broke down for about 4 hours and just bawled. I felt like I was starting over with being emotional about stuff in the beginning of my pregnancy. I almost was lost in a way.
I was excited for my sister who was in labor ALL day! I got a nephew at about 10 o' clock at night. But that was during the time I was just having a breakdown.
I've been hanging out with V at her family's cabin and playing Kingsburg and stuff. I stayed the night on Tuesday and watched the meteor shower. I left. On the ride down from the canyon, I was listening to this SUPER cheesy song from Camp Rock, it's called This is Me by Demi Lovato. But it just made me think of how much of a better person I am through everything that's been going on. Then I was thinking about N meeting D and V on Friday and how HE would react to meeting them. I don't expect this big reaction but I was thinking about it. What if he DID have a big reaction? What if he acted like he actually cared and realized someone else will be raising his daughter. I wish I could fast forward time for him to meet Olivia and be like, Oh, there really is a baby on the way and she's part me.
Wednesday, I had a doctors appointment. V came with me. I weighed at 167 I think. 3 pounds more than I was last doctors appointment. They checked my blood and my iron is up. Her heartbeat was in the 140's. I was measuring at 34, which was normal at 34 weeks? ha. Anyway. Then we went and did our own things and met up again for group at LDSFS. It was an adoptee panel. The oldest was 16 or 17, and the youngest was 12. They were all pretty closed adoptions. None of them have met their birthparents. It was really interesting. They were saying that they all looked up to their birthparents for what they did for them and how much of a great life they've had. The 12 year old boy was SO cute. I guess in school, he heard this kid being bullied for being adopted, the bully was saying, "Haha! You were adopted! Your parents didn't love you and they gave you up." The 12 year old boy says, "Guess what? It's cool that he's adopted. That means he has more parents than you and they're probably better than yours." He's 12 years old! I wouldn't have thought of that when I was 12! The oldest girl was bullied in school by her teacher and the other kids joined in about her being adopted and she yelled at the teacher and left the room crying. She was saying in moments of weakness, she thought about why her birthparents didn't love her enough to raise her. But then she thinks about it was for the better. They all knew that they wouldn't have been given so many opprotunities if their birthparents didn't place them for adoption. It was a pretty emotional group. One of the birthmoms in my group said that she was scared that her son was going to hate her for placing. I just don't think that way. I think when your kid understands what sacrifices you made to bring them into the world they will look up to you and think of you as the greatest person on the planet. Even though, sometimes, you might not be in the best place.
I still cried though because yes, you do get scared. I know I went through a time... a long time... that I hated my parents. If Olivia hated me for whatever reason and didn't want to speak to me. I knew I would have no say in it. My adoption will be pretty open, I'll see them every few months. They live out of state. If they lived in state, I would probably want to see them everyday. But that's why I wanted an out of state adoption. I want THEM to be a family. I don't want them to feel like they're babysitting her for me and I come to check up on them everyday or every week.
Then one girl who placed her daughter 2 weeks ago. She was talking about her experience at the hospital and at placement. She decided to bring her daughter home from the hospital one night and then place her the next day. I was talking to her later about it because I wondered if it was harder for her to place since she was able to bring her home and have her sleep in the same bed with her. She said she knew that's what she needed to do to place because she heard about it before about a girl bringing her baby home. Even though it was the hardest thing for her to place her, it brought an enormous amount of peace. And she was talking about how days after she would just pray for that peace from Heavenly Father. Because with that peace she knew that she could overcome anything and everything. I really hope I don't become distant from everyone and push everyone away and become distant and stay in a mourningful stage and not have peace. That peace for adoption is what has kept me going. The peace of knowing the family that is going to raise my baby is what has kept me going. The peace that she will have an awesome life is what is keeping me going.

Wednesday night, I had a moment of weakness. The other day at work, a guy said to me, "So is your daughter a mistake, since you're placing her for adoption?" I really thought this, "EXCUSE ME?! If you ever call my daughter a mistake, I'll punch you in the friggin' chin." I just said to him, "No, just because I'm not ready to be a parent, doesn't make her a mistake." I mean really, there is a reason why she is coming to this Earth now, at this time. I don't know what reason. Maybe the reason is so that way D and V can continue having a family. Even though my daughter will be sealed to them, we're all sealed to our families. We are one big connection so even though I'm not her Earthly parent, I know in the next life she will still be connected to me. I was able to provide a body for her, to experience life.
When I was 16, I had a pregnancy scare. I realize when you're younger you are a lot more selfish and more defiant. I didn't want to tell anyone or get anyone's advice. I did think about abortion. *I wasn't pregnant.* Just so you know.

Now being pregnant with Olivia, the only thing I considered was keeping or placing. Abortion did cross my mind, only saying NO to it. If things worked out with me and N, I was going to keep. Even if things didn't work out with me and N (which they didn't for a long time) I was going to keep. I was stubborn to single parent because I wanted N back in my life. How awkward. But my decision to place, wasn't for me, it wasn't for N, it was for Olivia. It was- I wanted my daughter to have everything, the greatest life, 2 parents, people who are a lot stronger than me, emotionally, spiritually, everything. And I've found that for her.

Anyway, with the thoughts of being selfish. I was NOT having second thoughts about keeping. It's just what would happen if I did keep. I mean, I want to be a mom SO bad now being pregnant with Olivia. I would love more than anything to be happily married and being able to raise my own children. I know later in life, I will be able to, if I ever get married. Ha. I just know that now after placing and putting Olivia first. I'll be able to be a better mom and put my childrens needs first before mine because I'm doing that with Olivia.

I got really personal and deleted a lot of what I said. So sorry if it doesn't make sense. I just had a feeling that I shouldn't share it that it's not worth sharing. It would just hurt me, not make anything better.

I went to G (V's sister) and JT's wedding reception. It was a lot of fun. They had a photobooth there. They had karaoke and dancing. Yep. It was a blast. I did feel a little bit weird because people would talk to D and V and be like, "Oh, I hear you're expecting... with adoption." Then they'd introduce me. I can't even describe their reaction. It was almost they felt awkward saying anything about it in front of me. I'm not a fragile soul. Don't worry. I had my big, fat emotional breakdown yesterday. It's over. I'm sure it won't be happening again before Olivia is born. If you have questions for me, I'm a pretty open person. I'll let you know if I don't want to answer something. I have realized since my breakdown that I've been kind of rude to everyone. RuthAnn says I've always been this way even before I was pregnant. Ha. I'm sure she was joking... Anyway. If I come off as rude or giving you dirty glares. I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant. Expect it.

Let's see. Since it's almost 3 in the morning on Friday. D and V are meeting N later today. I'm not excited, I'm not nervous either. I just want them to meet. I just hope N isn't like, "I don't have a good feeling about them." I'll just say, "That's too bad. I guess if you do. I'm keeping." I know that I really wouldn't but I'd be mean and play that "I'm keeping" card to scare him. Not anyone else. Ha.
I hope things go well. I'm sure he's not excited at all to meet them. I'm kind of doing it for myself to be prepared about what will be happening in a month. I want them to meet before I have her. Just so I don't stress myself out and think about him not having a connection with them so he can't have a connection with Olivia.
Anyway, I'm done. I haven't stayed up this late in a long time. I'm going to bed.

Good night.


  1. Hi, I'm not actually sure how I ended up on your blog and as i am a *complete* stranger, there's probably no need for me to comment, but apparently i am anyway....

    My name's Louise, I'm 22 yrs old and 21 weeks pregnant (exactly 21 today actually). I can't believe you've managed to make such a massive decision about your little girl's life! I'm not married, my boyfriend has pretty major depression which he's not getting any proper help for, neither of us have proper jobs, and my Dad is a bishop, so i was totally terrified when i found out about Bubs, but you sound so very very together!

    I really hope you don't mind me asking, and i really don't want to offend you, but i'm curious about the religious...impetus(??) to your decision. I believe in God, i have a strong faith, but i'm not so good with churches and stuff - over the years i've found that you end up feeling a lot of pressure from a lot of people trying to tell you what God wants and thinks and feels, and i don't think it's necessarily right. At the end of the day, each of us individually are the ones who have to answer to God and i've always felt comfortable with that because i have my own relationship with God that isn't filtered through others.

    I'm struggling to find my point, sorry for the essay! My boyfriend and i aren't in the best place emotionally, financially or (in the eyes of some people) spiritually right now, but we are going to love this baby so much - already do, in fact - and it's not going to want for anything real. Material stuff doesn't matter in the end. I'm not judging you for wanting to place - I think it's an amazing thing to do and you'll be giving so much joy to that family - but you've already named your little one and it sounds like you have an amazing bond with her. I just hope you're not giving up on yourself because other people have made you believe you can't do it. I imagine being a single mother would be SO hard, but i know friends of mine who are doing it beautifully - and they're not really alone because they have their families and all their friends to help whenever we can.

    I really mean it when i say i'm not judging you, and i know that whatever happens in the end will be the best for you and Olivia. I think you're an incredible person and i truly wish you all the best!


    By the way, i am very jealous that you get to know the sex - the Docs here won't tell me 'cause they got sued once for getting it wrong!

  2. Thanks for the update. Cute belly pics!

  3. stef, you are an amazing lady and you'll do beautifully when it comes to this little girl. i know you'll always play an important role in her life and with the amazing parents that she'll have, she'll never have to wonder where she came from.

    p.s. verrry cute dress. i love it.

  4. Stef you are so amazing! I hope you know that! :D And I can understand of when the right time to share feelings and also the right things to say when you feel you need to share them! :D I hope things will turn out really well for you and your missionary friend! Family drama isn't fun! :P Love ya like crazy! :D

  5. Ok so seriously...DONT FORGET TO CALL ME AND SEND ME PICTURES!!!!!!!! for real. I would be sooo upset :P actually no...ive been through it and honestly the last thing on my mind was calling people lol so if youre preocupied i will totally understand but i still expect a pix message at least lol :P I'm super excited. I can't wait!!!

  6. I cried when you said, " 'No, just because I'm not ready to be a parent, doesn't make her a mistake.' I mean really, there is a reason why she is coming to this Earth now, at this time. I don't know what reason. Maybe the reason is so that way Dustinn and Val can continue having a family." Thank you for saying that. Olivia is a miracle.