Well, I've been waiting for SO long to write this blog entry. And the day has come. I wrote on here that my ultrasound date had changed to May 12th. But I did this to throw off some certain people. These certain people have changed my life for the better. Their names are D&V. They are going to be the ones taking care of my little girl. They are the adoption couple. Yep, I had my ultrasound on May 7th. Later that day I sent D&V a box full of girl things, a copy of the ultrasound, and a letter explaining to them what was going on.
I decided around the 22nd I was placing for adoption. I knew in my heart it has always been a good decision. There is no "right" or "wrong" decision in this situation at all. I had been thinking for a while though because I don't see myself with a kid a year from now. It just wouldn't be my life ya know? I always wanted to have kids after I got married and had a husband, who I know would be there for me. What am I going to be doing with a kid at 19 years old and single? I have people who tell me I can get through it and do it on my own. Yes, I know I'm capable of it. But there's so much more to it. I can't give my daughter a father (maybe if I ever get married. Whenever that is), I won't be able to spoil my daughter as much as I would like (spend money on things), I would be on a tight budget most likely living in my parents basement for however long I needed to until I could get on my own two--four feet.
And to be honest, I'm lucky. I know that I'll be able to have kids and not every couple has that opportunity. I'm sure there are thousands of them out there and I had to narrow it down to one. It's not an easy task. Trust me. I had people sending me messages on facebook or random couples texting me, how their cousins-sisters-friends-nieces-cows-uncles-brother couldn't have kids or something. I'm just kind of like, "Thanks but no thanks." And also, at that time I was anti-adoption. Because, I felt like EVERYONE was shoving it down my throat. Sisters, Baby's daddy, Baby's daddy's family, best friends. I honestly didn't know who to turn to. All I really talked to about my feelings was my caseworker and God. On Wednesday night I told Loni, "There is only one man in my life right now. And that's God." Ha. It's kind of funny. But true. I don't know where I would be right now without his guiding influence in my life. And the influence he has brought to me to know this amazing family.
Also, I did choose a family that lives out in Virginia. Because number one, if chose a family in Utah. I would feel like they lived down the road from me and I could just say, "Look, I could be the parent." And not go through with adoption. It gives D&V a chance to be the parents of my little girl. They have a son named B-Rad who is 19 months old. He was born in September and that's when I'm due. Ha ha.
Instead of referring to my little girl as a "her" if I was keeping her I would name her Olivia Nicole. So I'll call her Olivia.
I did write a letter to V&D I did think about putting it on here. But it's their letter. It's not for everyone. It's a special thing. I did have to share. I was anti-adoption as well because I have trust issues. I would be so afraid to give up my baby to some stranger that I had to learn how to trust in less then 9 months. I didn't think it was possible. I know V&D from my sister's husband. They're like best friends. So, I found out they couldn't conceive anymore and my heart went out to them.
I had prayed before about adoption and I had a "no" feeling about it. Then when I prayed to keep it was more of a "yes" feeling. But then you know it's a "no" feeling when you get mad at people. Like I would get mad at people telling me about adoption. So finally, I was just like, Look. God. Give me an answer. And when I said that, the feeling I got was. Look, Stefanie. I'm not going to just give you an answer. You have to search it for yourself. You're not going to take the easy way out. Have an open mind and you'll find your answer.
Of course, there is no "easy" way out. Or "easy" answer. But I looked into both with all of my heart. Single parenting and adoption. What I love about LDS family services is they don't say, "Giving up your baby for adoption" they say, "placing your baby for adoption." I don't feel like I'm giving up on Olivia at all. Giving up is abortion. Olivia has been apart of me since day one. It wasn't like I hadn't tried my hardest. And it isn't like adoption is my last resort just hand her off and say, "I couldn't give Olivia the best life." It's the total opposite. I'm placing her for adoption because I know that I am giving her the best life that she could ever have.
Also, to clarify from some previous entries. When I called N and talked to him and I said I got frustrated and started crying. It was because I wanted HIM to ask ME what I was doing. I didn't want to straight out say what was going on. That I had made a decision. I told him I was really big on my baby having a father. And he's like, "you're right. that's why adoption would be great." And I said, "Yes, that's why." And he said, "Then why do you want me to be there?" And I said, "Because you're her father!" He got really mad so finally I blurted out, "Look N. I'm placing our baby up for adoption! It's not the easiest decision on the planet. So you could atleast be a little bit nice to me. I'm sorry that I couldn't figure out in the first place that adoption was right like you did. But I had to figure it out on my own and find out for myself." And he apologized he said he understood and that it didn't just come right to him as well, that he had his own personal revelation and had to find out for himself. But he was glad I found out and that he didn't want to be the number one influence because he didn't want me doing it for him. It would be for Olivia or myself. Then I told him he should feel lucky that I even told him because I wasn't planning on doing it until the day I gave birth to her. I think he agreed to go to the ultrasound because he knew that he didn't have to pay child support for the next 18 years of his life.
There has been one time since I've cried after my ultrasound. I think it just finally hit me that Olivia just isn't "baby." Olivia is a she, her, my everything. Seeing her just made me so excited. I was more excited though for D&V to find out then for me to go to the ultrasound. Some people think I'm sad that I didn't get a boy. But you know what? I'm happy either way because Olivia isn't just mine. She's D&V's. I'm not giving her to them. They're giving her to me to share a bit of their family for 9 months. To have that connection. Olivia will always be my little girl, but she'll always be theirs. And I'm grateful for her. She has changed my life in more ways than she will ever know.
I love D&V, they are the sweetest people. I'm so grateful for God to let him share them with me in my life. I love Olivia, I can't help but announce that I'm having a baby of my own, a little girl, I'm proud of her. It's not that I'm showing her off, what parent doesn't show off their kids? I'm just so excited to see her. I cried last night because it was more of a reality that from the ultrasound, just seeing her on the big screen TV, that that's how I'll always be watching her. From a distance, from the sideline. I was really sad about it because it will be a while before I have my own children and not have to watch them from a distance and hold them and love them every single night. But I told my friend that it'd be like watching grow up from the sidelines and he said, "But you'll be cheering her on, like every good parent does for their kids." And it's true.
But, I'm going to go to bed. I forgot I totally volunteered to clean the church tomorrow morning at 10. Then I work 11:30 to 5. I'll come home and crash most likely. There has just been too much excitement in my house to go to sleep. I'm sure Olivia hates it. But she sleeps like 12-15 hours a day. I wish I got that much sleep!
Here are some pictures from the ultrasound and what I sent to D&V.
Me and N at the ultrasound. Yeah, not the greatest picture, AT ALL.
Olivia on the big screen.
She's flexing her arm.
Her beautiful profile.
Her leg :]
Foot print :]
Her arms :]The picture that defines that "baby" is a "she."
This is what I sent to them, a little picture postcard that says It's a girl! And it's the profile picture from the ultrasound. A copy of the ultrasound. A pink BYU onesie. Flower dress. Pink slippers that say, "Thank heaven for little girls." Then the, "I love my big brother" bib.
I was going to post a picture of the box after all the stuff was in it about to do some over night shipping but then I realized it has D&V's address. Don't want to post that all over the internet, now do we? ha.
I don't really have a good ending. I showed my boss my ultrasound pictures and he's like, "I don't think I want to look at them too long. I'm looking at your uterus." I'm like, "Yeah, it's not like you're committing adultery looking at a baby in someone else's uterus." Ha. Yeah. Awkward.