My Week

has been nothing but boring. I honestly just feel like I work and sleep. What the heck? Why can't I do something more productive in my life? I don't know. Yesterday was V's birthday. I called her and left her a message and told her happy birthday. Then she called back and I was working then I tried calling her back. YAY for phone tag!
Last night I went to my friends musical theater showcase thing with my friend Natasha. They played 3 songs from each musical. My friend was in the first musical- hairspray and she played Tracy the lead girl. There were other musicals. They did one about some ballet dancers ha. I don't remember what it was called. Then they did Big River, Little Women, Grease, Wicked, then they did one about a singing group lost in time. Ha. I don't know. And the last one was In The Heights. Which was really cool some guy rapped and it was AMAZING. I was surprised. Let's see then they all came out and sang Seasons of Love from Rent.

Um, lets see. I guess Jasper now really likes to go in the bathroom and grab toilet paper and just run off with it. So we are running out of toilet paper fast.

It's so weird, I rarely had dreams and now I've been having a million.
Last night I watched an episode of The Secret Life of an American Teenager. It's about a 15 year old girl that gets pregnant. It's the end of the season and she's having her baby in the hospital. It made me tear up. I think it's funny though because a lot of it reminds me of me and N. Well, this guy Ricky, got her pregnant (at band camp) ha. She goes to some high school dance and meets a guy, Ben, and he ends up being her boyfriend and he wants to help her take care of the baby. Sadly enough, I haven't found my Ben. Ricky slowly realizes that he's having a kid and doesn't want it to be put up for adoption and he messes it up with that. Then Amy is freaking out because she has to place the baby then I guess some girls from school help her and tell her she can still go to school because they have a daycare at the church then after school she can go to the daycare and can pay back to the daycare but staying there and watching other kids for a while. Then these last few episodes have been her in the hospital. And she had a flashback about how things even happened with her and Ricky. She's kind of beating herself up about it. I just thought this was funny. She calls Ricky and she's like, "Hey, I thought I should let you know I'm having your son, so maybe you should come to the hospital." He shows up and her mom walks in and she's like, "I brought a cheeseburger." Amy says, "Is it from the dairy shack?" And her mom says no. And Amy FREAKS out she wants a dairy shack burger. Then Ricky says, "I'll go get one." And Amy says, "Yeah, it's the least you can do." Haha.
That will probably be me. I'll be resentful towards N while I'm in pain. If he even shows up. I don't know. I'm going to get emotional now. I'm just thinking 4 months from now, after Olivia is born, I will have no contact with N. Probably not ever. I can't call him and say, hey have you seen pictures of your daughter? Or do you want to go see her? I don't know. I can't just do that. He has his own open line of communication with her. I can't just but in his life. Ha. As much as I love doing it now, I think it's just hitting me now it's coming to an end. Everything that me and N ever shared and ever had together. It's all just going to fade away. I can't change that. I just want to scream and cry at the same time. I remember I told my friend Kristy after me and N broke up, maybe if I got pregnant, we could get back together. Well, I got pregnant. Not together now. I don't know. I just don't think I was ever really given a chance to get over N. It's like we broke up, I find out I'm pregnant, and now I think about Olivia and N everyday. I have to deal with 2 heartbreaks at once. I don't know how to handle it most of the time but just cry.

I have to go. I don't want to cry anymore. Ha. Bye.