Monday, June 29, 2009

Weekend of Adventure

So, Saturday. I had a day off so my mom and I have been planning to make blankets and quilts for little Olivia.

This purple one is the first one we tied. this lady that helped us is binding the edges together. the light purple side is the front. the dark purple is the back.

Then this is a princess blanket. the pink is the front the green is the back.

Then I measured and cut all the edges. My mom helped me tie all the single knots around it.

Later that night. RuthAnn and I saw THE PROPOSAL. It was SO funny. Surprisingly not so dirty. :) I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Sandra Bullock: What am I allergic to?
Ryan Reynolds: Pinenuts and the full spectrum of human emotion.

Sandra Bullock: I do NOT fart in front of him. I never WILL.
Ryan Reynolds: She farts in her sleep.

It makes me so proud to be Jasper's mommy when I see him sleeping and not destroying everything. I find him in the most random places sleeping. This is probably the most random. Just a stack of clean (my mom didn't like that) towels.

I think this picture was taken on Wednesday before I went to go get my glucose test done. Everyone was telling me how gross it was to drink the sugary drink. I was imagining it to be super gross with like clumps of sugar in it. It tasted like a flat orange soda. That's all. It wasn't a big deal because in the beginning of my pregnancy I craved orange soda. But it made me REALLY tired.
I stopped eating at like 10:30. I woke up at 8 to eat a HIGH protein breakfast. Wait two hours to drink the stuff. Then wait an hour for them to take my blood. I went home and slept. It took most of my energy. Probably because I didn't have sugar in me for 12 hours. EEK.

These were taken yesterday before church. 28 weeks along.

After church I had a meeting with my bishop. Just a sort of get to know you meeting. It was funny because he was asking me what I was doing with my life and I avoided the being pregnant. Then he asked me if I had been sick. And I was like.... nope... just pregnant. And he said, I know. I asked if someone told him. And he replied, my wife has had 4 kids. I know what it looks like.
I laughed openly.

My friend Z came over for dinner and we watched half of Baby Mama before dinner. Then after we went over to N's house. Yep. We went over there to pick up his baby pictures to scan on my computer which I'm working on right now. But I have a picture of me and him. DING.
I laughed because it was sort of awkward. I walked over to take the picture with him and he had his arms folded and I said, "So... are we going to pretend like we're friends?" It was a joke. We both laughed. Come on. This is us, pretending like we're friends. HA.

I don't sweat. I glisten.

Let's just say after I dropped off the pictures there was some drama. But I was talking to a friend later and I said, I'll be honest here. It would hurt me if he never met his daughter. Is that mega weird?
My friend said, No way Jose! Just because things didn't work out or currently aren't working out, whatever the situation may be, it will never change the fact that you two made a life together. Another person. There is a deep connection there that never goes away.

It helped me feel like less of a freak after all that. :)


Saturday, June 27, 2009


I had to announce this via blog. Or else I know I would ruin it for myself. My friend let me borrow her first season of Gossip Girl. I've been hooked ever since.

The 3rd season starts September 14, 2009. So there is a whole 2nd season calling my name. Ready to explore it. So what have I done?

I bought the whole 2nd season on Itunes so I can watch it on the plane to Virginia. Why am I telling you this? Since I bought it a week and a few days before my trip I NEEDED to tell the world so they can stop me if I get tempted to watch it before I step on that plane. I'm trying to resist the temptation of watching it from start to finish starting tomorrow. I can't handle it.


Oh the guilty pleasures of life.
I'm hooked.

I dumped pebbled ice and I am starting a new intimate relationship with GG 2nd season starting July 7th. It's getting pretty serious.

"And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell ... You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl"

Friday, June 26, 2009

Blog Awards :]

I got this award from Andee :]
My sister sent me her blog and I read her adoption story and she's been the sweetest girl.
I look up to her in so many ways.

Click on her name and her blog will open. On the side it says "My Adoption Story" if you would like to read her journey.

Thank you!

There are two thing I need to do upon receiving this award:

1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who granted the award and his or her blog link.
2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award

1. Dustinn and Val
2. My sister Erika
3. Kristen and Faye
4. Michelle and Korver
5. The Site for Birth Mothers by Birth Mothers
6. Britt
7. Kaylie
8. Shea Bella and Zyler
9. Puzzle Pieces: Adoption
10. The R House
11. Natasha
12. Becca and Baby C :)
13. Danielle
14. Dustin, Andrea and Avery
15. Jeana and Fernando

I'll have a new blog post by tomorrow I hope!

I love you ALL.

P.S. 28 weeks along today! 7 MONTHS!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Monday, June 22, 2009

Near Death

Why hello there.

Um, I'm trying to think of anything fun or exciting has happened since I last posted... and of course, there has been.

Over the weekend I kind of sat around and did nothing... well, I worked of course, but other than that. I did nothing. I'm sort of a loser.

On Saturday I talked to V. It was really fun. I was working on scanning pictures on the computer and I found pictures of D and V on their wedding day. SAY WHAT?! Yeah, it was kind of cool. It took most of the night to scan them.
I had been texting N about getting pictures from him and asked him if Sunday was alright since he didn't work and neither did I. But I totally spaced and forgot it was Father's day! Yeah, cool.

Ha- I got a really funny text on Father's day. I hope it doesn't offend anyone but my friend texted me and said, "Happy Father's day to YOU, because N doesn't deserve it."

He texted me at church and said his scanner wasn't working. Then I told him I could come over and get them and scan them at my house. And he told me that his mom was VERY protective of them. I told him that he could come over and protect them. He was committed... then his mom was REALLY protective so she'll get them to me sometime this week. Lame :[ I was so excited to get it all done this weekend.

I just barely sent V like 50 million e-mails of my pictures. I'm sure she'll LOVE them.
I'll show you some.

Those are natural ringlets, my friends.

My friend Z from group came over for Father's day dinner and we played Kingsburg. She enjoyed it. It was fun to hang out with her.

My grandma is in the hospital so my dad missed most of his dinner. :[

I was on my way to take Z home and we were going up this twisty road in the dark. Just a back road. And there was a car that was coming around the corner REALLY fast and we almost hit HEAD ON. Yeah, head on people. If I did swerve over, who knows what could've happened. It was the scariest thing of my life. Of course if it was just me I would've been like, "That guy is an idiot!" But Z was with me and she's pregnant, and I'm pregnant, I'm taking care of 3 people in my car plus myself! I was pretty much crying.

That was my excitement for the weekend. I am working tonight... then tomorrow I have a day off. Then Wednesday I'm going to get my glucose test. YIPEE.

I think I'm going to make myself a rootbeer float :]

I also found this picture of me and N- we're on the right. The left side is my friend and her ex.

Oh yeah, D and V texted me on Sunday. They told me that B threw a toy train at a lady 3 rows ahead of them in church. I giggled. And they also wrote, "15 more days until we see you!" 14 now! :]

Thursday, June 18, 2009


I'll be 27 weeks along tomorrow. Yes. And I have to go to the doctors next week for the glucose test or whatever. :[ Hopefully they can find my veins this time to draw the blood. Both times.
I can't eat for 12 hours. So I just am deciding to fast from 10 pm to 10 am. That will be sort of hard. I just hope I don't get sick from the super sugary drink. My mom says it's gross.

I found out in group yesterday that if you chew on ice you have an iron deficiency. I think that's a lie because I just went to the doctor and she would've told me! Boooooooooo.

Anyway, my hair is blonde. The moment you've all been waiting for.

RuthAnn says it looks a lot better in person than it does on camera.

Anyway, so the past two groups have been about wearing masks.

It's sort of like everyone wears a mask to hide something or on the outside they act like a totally different person they are on the inside. But you need to be able to be who you are inside and outside.


Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls.

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying

Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am every man
and every woman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.
-----author unknown and it has been published in a number of books.

I'll show you my masks.
We made paper mache masks last group and then painted the front side and the back side yesterday.

We had to put vaseline on our eyebrows, eyelashes, around our lips, and hairline so that way it didn't pull all our hairs out.

So my outside represent with the big golden sun on my forehead that everyone thinks I'm a golden ray of sunshine and the pink heart on my lips represents that I speak love and kind words to everyone. I added green on later... only because it's my favorite color.

The this is my inside. Yeah, it's not very pretty. Because sometimes, I don't feel pretty. The split down the middle means I'm sort of broken because I love and I'm happy and I cry because of that and on the other side I'm sad and not so happy about things. The big stress on my forehead pretty much means, I'm stressed. Duh. I don't want to be broken or whatever. The circle with the red on it- On the other side is a bow and arrow so I'm sort of shooting boys because I'm not happy with them. Ha. Then the talking bubble that looks like a fetus, I just feel like everything I say is awkward and annoying and yeah.

Mine looks really sloppy because I only had an hour to do mine. Group starts at 4:30 until 6. And I was getting my hair done at 5:30. :[ Blah. But next week I'll be able to be there the whole time. I hope. :]

But my hair took about 4 hours. It's totally worth it though right? I like it a lot.
I was planning on putting in some secret pink in there but I decided not to. Not a lot of people would be happy with that.

Anyway, I had a random crying fest yesterday. I just got really stressed out. I don't know why. But I vented to someone, yep, N. It was only awkward because he didn't write back to anything that I said to him.
First I asked him if he had any pictures and if not, if I could come by on Sunday to get some from him. And he said he didn't know right then but Sunday would be okay.
Then I just got thinking about what Loni asked me about if he would want to see Olivia. So I asked him because it's been on my mind. And he said, I don't know. But I want to be there though.
I then started venting. Bad idea. I wasn't being mean towards him it was just kind of like hoping he would talk to me about it to know I wasn't going through this alone losing a daughter. But of course, I got nothing back. So I cried. I was crying even while texting him about it. I would rather have him respond and say, Sorry, I don't really want to talk about it. Then not responding at all. :/ It just makes me feel stupid. Maybe that's how he wants me to feel about it. I don't know.

I is lame.

Just Let Me Cry
Hilary Weeks

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We’re not just tossed by the wind,
or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.
When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...
I dig my heels in deep,
and I fight to keep my ground.
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out...

Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.

But for now...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

I have felt joy,
the kind that makes my heart want to sing.
And so my tears are not a surrender,
I’ll feel that way again.

But for now...
For this moment...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel.
Isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
I believe everything happens for a reason.

My Aunt sent me this song. And oh yeah, I cried.

The lyrics that got me the most was, "Still at times, the hurt inside grows stronger."
There are days that it hurts a lot more than it did the day before.
So I just would like to cry and I guess last night was one of those nights.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

50th blog post.

Yep. I'm on my 50th blog post. The big 5-0. How enjoyable. I wanted to make it special. Yet, I have nothing really to make it special. Just my 26 week picture.

I don't enjoy the fact that I have a fat face in this picture. But I'm smiling.

I take much pride in my belly button. I've always had an innie. LOOK AT THAT.

Ignore the fact that all my make up is wiped off and I look 99.9% nasty.

I thought I would share a dream that I had the other night, I think I've only told a few people or a short version of the dream. The short version is funny. I gave birth to a kitten.

The long version:

I was going into labor and I call D and V to tell them. And they're like, "WE'RE ON OUR WAY!" So, I'm chilling. And then I start pushing then I pass out after I give birth and in my passing out I have a dream that I gave birth to a kitten. I was REALLY mad about it.
The other funny part of the dream. That they switched me up with someone else and that I actually had a boy. I went to see him and he looked just like N. I was REALLY mad about this. I have no idea why I was mad that he looked like N. But I think I was mad because first, they got my baby wrong and gave me a kitten. Then they told me it was a boy.
I regain consciousness in my dream. I'm well enough to walk around after giving birth and I see D and V in the next room holding her. They said that they were just a few minutes late so they weren't there for the whole birth. But I guess my pass out was a COMA. I was in it for like 2 days! And I saw them holding her and that I was my first time seeing her. But I was totally okay with it. That was the only peaceful, calm part of my dream.

I think I decided I'm going to go with blonde. Just because it's the summer. I hope I don't get nasty roots when I give birth. I want cute birth pictures after. Ha. So that would probably mean epidural because I don't want to be crying from the pain.
I did just fill out a 9 page social and health history form. D and V get one from me and N just kind of to see what Olivia could possibly have. I think they get it after all the papers are signed. I'm not sure how that works.

I had a session today with Loni and that's all we really talked about was signing papers and that I need to write down my adoption plan and how I see it going. She doesn't want me to be at the hospital FREAKING out that it's not going the way I want it to and cause a big drama. So, yeah. Good plan. I'll probably figure most of it out when I go to Virginia.
Let's see, she asked me about what N was going to do the week that D and V were here and if he was going to see Olivia. I told her I had no idea. I asked her if she's signed away his rights and he hasn't yet. So he has to fill out a medical history form too. The same one. And so she might do that and see if he would want to do it then or just wait and sign it at the hospital with me or a different time. I have no idea if he wants to see her or not. Loni says it's unlikely that he will see her. But it's up to him.
I can't force him to see her. I think he's afraid of attachment for her. Shoot, if I could get away with that I totally would. But it's already happened.

Just so you know, Olivia's been CRAZY these past couples of days. Dancing, moving around, jumping around, she stretched one time and her foot was in my rib- sharp pain. She had the hiccups for a long time today. It's a weird feeling. She has been moving a lot while I've been walking around. That's definitely weird.
I think she likes to hold on to my ribs with her hands then kick her feet. Ha. That would be funny to see. Playing monkey bars with my ribs. What the heck? MY INSIDES ARE NOT A PLAYGROUND.

Man, I've been missing a lot of D and V's calls. They called yesterday and I was at work :[ when I got off work it was 12:30 their time. Then today my phone died and when I got their voicemail it was 1:30 their time. But I PROMISE tomorrow (Wednesday) is okay to call me. I don't work in the morning. I have group from 4:30-5:30. At 5:30 I'm getting my hair done. It should only take about 2-3 hours. I have A LOT of hair.

After my session with Loni, I visited the high school I graduated from. West Ridge Academy. It was a theraputic boarding school. I lived there for about 6 months. I graduated almost exactly a year ago. A little bit over a year by a few days. I was really sad though because there was a girl there that I was BEST friends with just graduated on Friday. I BARELY missed her. And she's living in Kentucky with her mom. She honestly, is a black version of ME. Ha. Yeah, we're just that cool.
I probably have a million stories with this girl. We would get up and dance in the group room on random occasions. We threw wet tampons on the ceiling to see if they would stick.We would share books. We stayed up late and pretended to be asleep when night security came to check on us. We would work out our sexy abs late at night. We made fun of the CRAZY program girls that got in trouble all the time and made fun of all the drama. We mostly stayed out of it. We talked about boys. We were probably the coolest people around. If people didn't think I was black, I was probably half.

I visited with my therapist and told him about my adoption plan. I also visited with 3 of the teachers there and some of the girls that I still knew. Just a couple of them are there. It's a 10 month program. Some stay longer, either court ordered or the state or church are paying for them to be there. It's not a cheap program.
It kind of makes me laugh because on youtube if you look it up, there have been some sort of petition against West Ridge. There are couple of kids who are claiming that they were abused when they went there.... 7 years ago?! What the heck? Butt hurt much? The time I was there, I saw NO abuse. They restrain you if they believe you are a harm to yourself and/or others. There was a thing called work crew if you made a pretty big mistake and needed to learn your lesson. Sometimes you could ask to be on work crew if you believed that your mistake was a big deal. But work crew, you obviously cleaned, they had you do grass drills. You are disciplined like that because it's kind of a thing like, you don't EVER want to be on work crew. That's what they're trying to do. You are not allowed to talk to anyone. You have to raise your hand for permission to talk and to sit. You are last in the food line. I was on work crew maybe 3 times my whole program. 1st time, I screwed up on a home visit and snuck out to see J. 2nd time, I talked to boys on the boy side- who weren't even cute, I have to add. 3rd time, I contacted a girls boyfriend for her while in the program. It's not like you're on work crew forever. Your therapist will take you off if they feel like you learned your lesson.
Anyway, overall, it was a good visit. :]

I laugh because one of my teachers wrote a book. He asked me on Facebook what are some shows that teenagers watch. I thought he was going to watch them, I listed a few and I said, "But they're not very appropriate." He was like, "Oh no, they aren't for me!" Then I looked at his Facebook page and he was a fan of Gossip Girl. One of the shows I recommended. I made fun of him and told him that he lied to me and it really was for him. Which reminds me I need to rent the second season of Gossip Girl. Addicted? I think so.

Another one of the teachers I talked to, he was my music teacher. I just talked to him over the phone and he's like, I heard your having a baby! I was like, yes. Then he said, I heard you're getting married! I was like, nope. Not me. I laughed at it. But I told him my adoption plan too. I tell you, I'm pretty open about EVERYTHING. He was working on the boys side. So I didn't see him. The boys side is like 50 feet away. But a pregnant girl walking on campus in the middle of his class. Talk about AWKWARD.

Here's a funny story from work- I get REALLY irritated at work when people ask me EVERYDAY how my baby is. It hasn't changed since yesterday. She's still there. She's alive. She is living off a tube in her belly button, what more do you want? But this mexican lady, who is not fond of the idea of me placing for adoption, she asked me how it was. And I said good. She rubbed my belly and she said, "I love your baby!" I said, "Do you love my baby more than me?" She said, yes. Straight face, no stuttering, no thinking about it. Just a plain yes. And walked away.
So much joy.


I'm sure my mom appreciated this joke. She just texted me to ask me if I was awake. It's 12:30. And I said yes. She asked if I could put my dog out on her chain because she's been peeing on the floor. And I texted her and said, "Oh, that's been me peeing on the floor. Olivia just kicks and my bladder explodes."
She loved it. No worries.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sour Skittles.

Before I start posting pictures of my childhood. I just wanted to lay it on the table, for some reason I've been having a feeling to say this. N and I were not a ONE time thing. I don't want people to think I don't know who my baby's daddy is. Sorry, but I was in LOVE with N. We dated for 6 months. Yeah, not a long time. But long enough to get serious. I don't want everyone to think we were just some random fling. I really thought that things were going to last and they didn't. People change. Big deal. I just wanted to get that out there.

So, I was thinking about getting my hair done before I go out to Virginia. But I can't decide what I want to do.

Blonde- I really, really miss my blonde hair right now. I love THAT.


Or red. That was my junior year in high school. My dad told us to look at the wooden deer head on the wall. Ha.

I could always go pink again. :]

Cast in your votesss. ha.

I'm probably the cutest thing ever. No lies. Ha. My nickname as a baby was Baby doll because I look like a baby doll? Ha. I don't know. But my mom really called me by that, you can hear it in old family home videos. It makes me laugh.

So, I was talking to... a friend of mine and she was telling me about how she was staying the night at her cousins and was telling her about how I'm placing and doing an open adoption. I guess her cousin made a big deal that open adoption is a bad idea. My friend who had been placed for adoption was really frustrated because she felt that open adoption wasn't because her adoption was closed and when she did contact her birth mom. Her birth mom wanted closure to know that the decision she made was the right one for her. And my friend feels that openness kind of helps the birth mom have closure and not worry and move on with life. I think it's pretty true. We were talking though about how she was scared for me that before I sign my rights away that I could change my mind.
I was thinking, yeah, I could change my mind. And that scares me. This girl in my group placed a few weeks ago and she was saying she had some time alone with her baby and she thought about seriously keeping her baby. But she knew that she wouldn't be able to. I'm afraid to be at that point and not be strong enough to give her away. It's frustrating. But I feel that if I keep a close bond with D and V that I will be able to. Because my big thing about not placing is not having trust. And I trust them with her and everything. I know that they'll be her parents and not me. That's why I didn't want an open adoption in Utah. If I had an adoption in Utah it'd be closed. Maybe pictures and letters but other than that I wouldn't want any contact because I want the parents to be the parents and not me interfere. As much as I would love for them to be closer to see her a lot, it's just better for them to be the parents.
I was talking to my mom the other day about D and V coming out here and how I'd have to sign away my rights so they are the ones that get to choose really for the week when they're out here and I have her. I can't just take over and be her mom. And my mom asked me how signing away my rights worked. And I told her that I have to wait 24 hours after I have her to sign. N could be signing away his right now. But he hasn't yet... he probably won't until at the hospital with me. If he comes. :/ And she said, well, do you think that he won't and try to take her away? I highly doubt that N would do that. If he knows that she's going to a good family and he knows that he won't be able to take care of her by himself. He's been all for adoption in the beginning because he wants her to have a better life than what me and him could give her.
He told me he thought about getting back together with me and having her and being a family. But he prayed and got the answer that adoption would be the best choice for her. In the beginning, I didn't want to believe him. I was stubborn. I was thinking that he was just thinking about himself and that he couldn't understand that I'm the one having the baby. I couldn't just pop it out and give it to someone else. It was hard for me to think about. And of course, I knew it was the right decision because I always would get offensive with people when they would ask me about it. If you asked Loni, she could've told you that I would come in and tell her that I'm keeping and our sessions were about single parenting. She wanted me to do the pros and cons and write it down. But I was always busy but I always had them in my mind.
I already feel that Olivia is V and D's daughter. At the same time, she is mine because she's apart of me. After my sister Erika forwarded me the e-mail that V sent her. I just had a feeling that she was theirs.
It's hard. It has NEVER been easy to make a decision. I know people think that adoption is the easy way out. Adoption is never easy. You bond with your baby. Ha, to be awkward, in the shower I get a hand full of water and just pour it over my belly, sort of like I'm giving her a bath. I love it. There are days that I just want to lay in bed and think about her and her future and not be around anyone else. I want to cry and hold her and never let her go. In my heart, she'll be my baby girl, I'll always know that. That's all I need to know to keep moving forward with life.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


This post is going to be short. But when I was working two nights ago, there was a glorious rainbow so I took a picure of it.

Who doesn't love rainbows? Plus with all this mucky weather it was good to see something pretty.

This girl from my work got me this shirt when she found out I was pregnant. Oh yeah. :]

Well, I talked to N yesterday and he's okay with the scrapbook thing. yyyyyyyes. I'm so excited for this. It's going to be awesome, I think.

I was trying to look for baby pictures of me to post but I found THIS.

I really used to have pink hair. I don't have a lot of pictures of it because a little bit after that I got my hair done I got sent to Anasazi. A wilderness program in Arizona for troubled teens. That's right. I was a double T. Bring it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


I got an e-mail the other day from a person who has read my blog and I thought I would post it, I hope it's alright with her. :]

"I just wanted to say I found your blog and started reading it. Just a little about me I recently became an adoptive mom. My son is 7months old now. We love him to pieces as well as his birth mom. You are so amazing and such a strong person to be going through all that you are going through. Thanks for sharing your journey online. It has even helped me. You see my husband and I can't have children (ya, we are infertile and it sucks, but we all have our trials right?) and we have wanted children for years and finally when our little boy came to us through the miracle of adoption we have been so blessed and happy!!
Anyways, a few months ago, I got a priesthood blessing and in that blessing it talked about a baby girl (sister for our son). I have been so so worried about it and wondering if we would ever be chosen again, since we already have a baby boy. Many birth moms choose couples who don't have children.
BUT when you talked about placing Olivia with the couple you chose and how their 'family looked like they needed a baby sister, since they have a older brother' I just cried and cried,and it gave me more hope. Anyways, because of you, now I know that there will be a birth mom out there some day, that will think like you and want their baby girl to have a older brother and will choose us. So I just wanted to say thanks again for sharing your journey. It was an answer to my prayers, I know God was giving me comfort and more faith when I read your blog and letting me know everything will work out.
I am sure that little Olivia will grow up with admiration, love and appreciation for you. I pray for the best for you and Olivia and your adoptive family. Thank you again for sharing your journey, and letting a little 'blog stalker' like myself read it and be touched by your words. I am sure there will be many more people whom you will be an inspiration to."

No lies. I love getting e-mails like these. It brings so much joy to my soul.

It hailed today. It was pretty cool. I just watched it all gather up on my balcony. It was intense. It's been raining all week. So no surprise to the hail. But being pregnant makes me delusional. I swear I thought it said on the news it was going to SNOW. Everyone thinks I'm on crack. Yep. 3rd trimester is a BLAST. P.S. my camera phone is so cool it has the hail in ACTION.

I went to Wal*Mart yesterday to pick out some fabric for a blanket I'm making for Olivia. I made a sweet find might I add. I'm excited to make it.
I had a funny experience at Wal*Mart but I'm not going to post it. It just makes me giggle to myself.

I don't know if I posted anything on here about an idea of making a scrapbook for Olivia when she's older of mine and N's family. I was going to go out to Virginia to make it with V. It will be joyful... whenever I get pictures. V's idea was to get pictures of me and N growing up so that way she can say, "She has mommy Stefanie's eyes or daddy N's chin." No lies. I cracked up when she said that about his chin. Oh boy, not to be hating, I just hope she doesn't have his chin. I think he has a cute little nose and I hope she gets that. I hate my nose. :]
Yeah, I just can never get a hold of N or someone to get pictures. I would scan them on my computer have them sent to V's e-mail or something and then print them out there. But I would return the pictures before I went to Virginia and if there are a lot of pictures I need them... now. If I'm busy with work then I'll never have time to get on except for Sundays. But whatev.

I'll be 26 weeks along. BELIEVE IT.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Man, my week has been pretty boring. I don't really have anything to post.
I was just going to post my 25 week picture.


I'm going to be working A LOT this week since I'm trying to save up money for Virginia next month. I'M SO EXCITED! :]

My mom got Olivia these cute little footie pj's. She'll look adorable. Oh man, I want her out of me now. I want to see who she looks like. I want to see her beautiful little face. I want to see her all dressed up. YAYYYYYYYY!

I just added these on after I made the post. And yes, that is my true bedsheet. the blue one is a newborn size. the kitty one is 0-3 months.

Olivia is kicking right now. Last night I was totally craving a chocolate moose bar. And of course, you can only buy those at Macy's and it was closed. I got a frosty instead. It's close enough. She had a pretty good work out last night while I was eating it. She enjoys frosty's like her mommy.
I get paid tomorrow and I would like to purchase some pebbled ice. Why do I love it? I have no idea.

I don't really have anything else to say. I slept for a REALLY long time. And it was definitely enjoyable. And my mom beat everyone in Kingsburg. I took 2nd. My dad was LAST. BOO YA! He always wins.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


About Your Pregnancy:

Is this your first pregnancy?: Yes
When did you find out you were pregnant?: January 21st
Was it planned?: No
What was your first reaction?: Scared
Who was with you when you found out?: Just me and my family doctor.
Who was the first person you told?: My mom.
How did your parents react?: Considering the situation. I think they took it well.
How far along were you?: 4 weeks.
What was your first symptom?: I didn't really have a symptom that let me know, I missed my period, that's all. I went to the doctor cause I had an allergic reaction again. And he asked if the medicine I took for the last one made me miss my period. And I said, That's probably it. And he said, "We'll make sure." The test came out positive.
What is your due date?: September 24th, 2009
Do you know the sex of the baby?: Yes.
If so, what is it?: Girl :]
Have you picked out names?: Yes.
If so, what are they?: Olivia Kate.
How much weight have you gained?: Yeah... I don't even want to go there.
Do you have stretch marks?: Little baby ones on my thighs. I'm lathering that stretch mark lotion. No worries.
Have you felt the baby move?: Yes :]
Have you heard the heartbeat?: A few times.
About the birth: Home or hospital birth?: Hospital
Natural or medicated birth?: I haven't decided yet. I was going to play it by ear with everything. I just hear you heal faster from a natural birth. I'm totally okay with that if I have a lot of pain for a few hours.
Who will be in the delivery room with you?: I have NO idea. My mom, Dustinn and Valery, I don't think I want Nic there in the room-- probably just outside, and sisters.
Will you breastfeed?: No.
Do you think you'll need a c-section?: I hope not.
Will you cry when you hold the baby for the first time?: Of course I will!
What's the first thing you might say to him/her?: Hi Olivia :]
Would you let someone videotape the birth?: Sure? Ha. Just as long as it's not footage of me pushing or something. Ha.
Are you excited about the birth, or scared?: Both. I've never had a baby before!

About the mommy!
Name: Stefanie
Age: 19
First child?: Yes

About the daddy!
Name: Nic
Age: 22
First child?: Yes

Finding out!!
What day did u find out?: January 21
How did u feel when u found out?: Scared.
Who was with you?: The doctor? Ha.
Who was the first person you told?: My mom.
How did they react?: My mom said she was scared for me.
How did the daddy react?: He was excited at first. Then he got scared.

Telling the grandparents!
How did your parents react?: My dad wishes I was married. Well, I do too. Ha.
How did his parents react?: They told him that he wasn't ready to be a husband or a father.
Are they helping with baby names?: No.
Have they bought anything for the baby yet?: Not yet.
How often do they call to check on you?: I live with my parents. Nic's parents never call.

About the pregnancy!
When was your first appointment?: With the MA Feb 23. With the gyno March 10.
When is your due date?: September 24, 2009
How far along are you?: 25 weeks.
Pre-pregnancy weight?: 145
Weight now?: 157 :[
Have you had an ultrasound?: Yes.
Have you heard the heartbeat?: Yes.
What was the heartbeat?: The first time was around 160.

Sex of the baby!
What do you want?: I'm happy with my baby girl.
What does the daddy want?: He told me he wanted a boy.
What do you think you are having?: Girl. Ha.
Have you had your big ultrasound yet?: Yes :]
If so, what are you having?: Girl.
Are you happy with what you are having?: SO happy.

About the birth!
Do you know what you are taking with you?: Toothbrush.
Who is going to be with you?: Parents&Dustinn&Val
Are you going to videotape it?: I'm not going to, but someone else might.
Natural or medicated?: I haven't decided yet.
Do you think you will need a c-section?: I hope not.
Will you cry when you hold your baby for the first time?: Yep.
Do you know what you will say to the baby when you first hold him/her?: Look above.
Are you scared about the labor?: VERY

Do you have a name picked out?: Some
Girl names: Olivia Kate J.
Boy names: I liked Oliver.
Is your baby going to be named after someone?: Her first name is the name I would've chosen if I was going to keep her. Then Kate is Val's great-grandmothers and sisters name.

Other random questions!!
Where was your baby conceived?: Awkward...
Have you felt the baby move?: Yes.
What race will your baby have?: Caucasian.
Do you have stretch marks?: :[
What was your first symptom?: Missed period? I was only 4 weeks along. I got morning sickness the day I found out!
What religion will the baby know?: Mormon. LDS.
What music or interests do you want the baby to know?: Any. I hope she'll be athletic :]
Will your baby have godparents?: I'm not sure.
Who will the god mommy be?: I have no idea.
Who will the god daddy be?: I have no idea.
What is the baby's room theme?: Pink and Girly?
What was the first thing you bought for the baby?: I have some onesies in my room that I bought for her when I was only like 12 weeks.
Are you ready to be a mommy?: Not exactly, but her mommy Valery is :]

My Pregnancy
Mother Name: Stefanie
Age: 19
Birthday: April 26, 1990
Birth Place: Syracuse, New York
Height: 5'8"
Pre-pregnancy weight: 145
Current weight: 157
Location: Lehi, Utah
Job: Counter girl at the Dubs.

Are you with the baby's father?: No.
Are you married?: No.
If together, how long have you been together?: We dated for about 6 months.

Is this your first pregnancy?: Yes
How did you find out you were pregnant?: Doctor.
What kind of pregnancy test did you take?: Urine and Blood
How many?: 1 urine and 2 blood.
What were your first symptoms?: Missed period.
Who did you tell first?: My mom.
Who was with you when you found out?: The doctor.
Was baby planned?: No.
When was baby conceived?: January 2? According to some online thing.
When was your first appointment?: With Gyno. March 10.
How far were you when you found out?: 4 weeks.

What was your reaction?: Scared and I cried.
What was the baby's father's reaction?: At first excited, then scared. Mostly in shock for the first while.
What was the parent's reactions?: My parents: Supportive. His parents: Not so supportive.
What was friends and family reactions?: Some excited. Some not so excited.

Due date: September 24.
Do you want to know the sex?: Yes.
Do you know the sex?: Yes.
If so, boy or girl?: Girl.
Any names?: Olivia Kate.
Any ultrasounds?: One.
Have you heard the heartbeat?: Yes.
Baby ethnicity?: Caucasian
Who do you think baby will look like?: Well, not to brag. I probably have the cute genes.
Will baby have any siblings?: A brother.
Will baby have their own room?: I don't know?
What is baby's nursery theme?: Girl?
Have you and dad felt baby move?: I have. He hasn't.

Who is your OB/GYN?: Dr. Smith.
What hospital will you deliver in?: American Fork.
Who will be in the delivery room?: Sisters, mom, Dustinn and Val.
Will you use medication?: I don't know.
Are you scared about labor?: Yep.
Will you videotape or take pictures?: Pictures maybe video.
How will you react when you see baby? Cry.
What will you say?: HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you have morning sickness?: I did a lot more in the second trimester.
Did you have any cravings?: I craved a few things at one time then got sick of them. Chips and Salsa. But now I crave the #7 from Sonic (Popcorn chicken) and instead of fries I get mozzarella sticks. I also crave chewing on ice. Pebbled ice.
Did you have any mood swings?: More than you can ever imagine.
Are you a high risk pregnancy?: Not that I know of.
Any complications?: I hope not.
Formula or breastfeeding?: Formula :]
Have you bought anything for baby yet?: I bought her a few onesies. A pink BYU onesie. A flower sundress and pink slippers.
When did you start to show?: I popped a belly out at 17 weeks.
How long could you wear your regular clothes?: Still wearing them.
Are you excited?: VERY.
Who will help with baby after their born?: Well, she'll be living with in Virgina with her family :]
What is your favorite thing about being pregnant?: The excuse to be a BEEWITCH.
What is the worst thing about being pregnant?: Being fat and exhausted 24/7.

BD&ME :]

What are your middle names?:
Mine: I don't have a middle name, Jinelle is a middle name a friend made up for me in JR. high.
His: Ryan
How long have you been together?
We dated for about 6 months.
How long did you know each other before you started dating?
2 months.
Who asked who out?
He asked me.
Who said I love you first?
Me. But it was cute. I remember, we were just laying in his bed about to go to sleep and he was teasing me and I just looked at him and I said, "I love you." And he said, "What did you say?" And I said, "I love you." He rolls on top of me and kisses me everywhere and whispers in my ear, "I love you, too." :] Then I yelled, GOSH TAKE FOREVER! He said he was too scared to tell me first.
How old are each of you?
Me: 19
Him: 22
Do you have any children together?
Obviously :] Just this one.
What about pets?
I have a kitten named Jasper.
Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Being pregnant.
Did you go to the same school?
He graduated before me. But he went to Lone Peak. I went to Lehi.
Are you from the same hometown?
Who is the smartest?
Me, I've stuck around through this whole thing. Not to be cocky.
Who is the most sensitive?
Probably me.
Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We ate out at Olive Garden A LOT.
Where is the farthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Utah to Idaho then back to Utah.
Who has the worst temper?
Who does the cooking?
Well, we did make pizza together. But he's more of a cook than me.
Who is the most social?
We're both social.
Who is the neat-freak?
None of us. Ha.
Who is the most stubborn?
We're both realllllly stubborn.
Who hogs the bed?
ME! HAHHA. He hogs me though. Especially when I'm trying to fall asleep. I remember one night he licked my BACK to keep me awake!
Who wakes up earlier?
Where was your first date?
Well, we always went out to movies. But one night he surprised me and he was like, "You're going to be late to school." (When I was in dental school) And it was the first time he took me out to eat to Olive Garden. It was SO sweet.
Who has the bigger family?
Well his parents and my parents both had 6 kids. But he has more nieces and nephews.
Him: 2 sisters and 3 brothers. 4 nephews and 2 nieces.
Me: 5 sisters. 3 nieces. And a nephew on the way.
Do you get flowers often?
Nope. But I told him he doesn't have to be afraid to buy them for me anytime :]
Who do you spend the holidays with?
Each other. We live close enough that I went there for an hour to his house for Christmas Eve then he came to my house for an hour.
Who is more jealous?
I don't really know. I'm probably more jealous. But I'm not a lot.
How long did it take to get serious?
Not long. :]
Who sings better?
Who does the laundry?
I do.
Who’s better with the computer?
Who drives when you are together?
Him :] even though I'm the one with the car.
Who picks where you go to dinner?
We agree, usually. I just am VERY picky. I do not enjoy mexican or chinese.
Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Who wears the pants in the relationship?
I do baby. This relationship is non-existent.
Who has more tattoos?
It's equal. We don't have any tattoos.
Who eats more sweets?
Who cries more?
Are you two still a couple?
Not at all.

Friday, June 5, 2009

25 weeks.

Well, it was a surprise to wake up this morning with my mom showing me this. I guess my dad found it on our front porch before it rained. Ha. If you can't read it, it says.

Dear "Stephony" (Symphony),

Thank you for bringing so much "(Almond)Joy" into our lives. We are "Extra" blessed to adopt your "Baby(Ruth)". We're so excited that "(Her)She(y)'s" a girl! Major "Skor!" We will shower Olivia with "Mounds" of love. She is "Fast(break)" becoming the "Reisen" for Val to go shopping. She will have "Sweet(tarts)" clothes. Stefanie, you "(pop)rocks!"

Love, D,V,&B

P.S. We hope you like Twix!
P.P.S. We hope this card made you "Snickers."

That's what it says. Um, Let's see. I was "snickering" about the Twix thing cause it could be "twins".... I'm pretty sure I only saw one baby in my ultrasound. :] I just thought about it. But I'm sure that's not what they meant.

But thanks D,V, & B. It definitely made my day.

I was sort of having a crappy day yesterday. Thank you pregnant hormones. I don't know. I was really mooody about random things. I had my doctors appointment. Everything is going good. Her heartbeat was 142 BPM. Let's see.... I'm measuring normal so they think she's big enough. Ha. The MA asked me if she had been moving a lot more. I said, "Yeah, she wouldn't let me sleep last night." She was actually going crazy at that moment. Either she hates the doctors or she loves it.

I texted Olivia's daddy (she always seems to kick when I talk about him) and told him the doctors went well.


I then texted him and told him about my trip to Virginia next month. I was thinking of making a scrapbook out there for Olivia of my family. And that I had the idea of to make one of his family too since she's his too. Or to take anything out there.


I was really frustrated. I went to work and felt like everyone hated me or was annoyed with me.

Then I stayed up late watching the first season of Gossip Girl. Only two more discs. Ha. There are 5. I went to sleep and in my sleep I had dreams of Olivia kicking me and of course, she really was. And I remember in one of my dreams, N was in them and I asked him to feel her kick. And he said no. I finally talked him into it. And so he did, and then everytime she kicked he said he didn't feel anything.

After I woke up this morning, the weather was very rainy and gross. And my friend is supposed to be doing my maternity pictures today. But it looks like we're going to have re-schedule. The rest of my family left for Idaho. So it's just me and RuthAnn for the weekend.

I was very happy about the little candy card and will be stuffing my face in a minute. But, I've just been an emotional wreck. I've been crying most of the day. I need to do something productive so I'm not stuck at home feeling sorry for myself. I was looking at my friends profile on Facebook and she's in his ward. And she had a picture of him up and I just started bawling. Because it made me think of Olivia and who she will look like and if I'll ever be able to even look at her.

I'm 25 weeks along as of today. And I'm in my 3rd trimeseter says my doctor. Two thirds of the way to the finish line.

Oh. P.S. With my TV show The Cougar. She did not choose Colt. :[ She chose Jimmy. Oh well. I'll take Colt :]
Just admire his perfection.

Song of the day:

Somebody Out There
David Archuleta

Sittin' all alone in your room
Thinkin' that the world's let you down
All you ever wanted to do is trust someone to always be around
You've had a lot of lessons to learn from
Some of them hit you so hard
And I keep believing someday you'll see, you don't have to be alone

There's somebody out there, somebody somewhere
To show you the tenderness you need
Somebody to hold you when worries control you
I'd give anything if only you knew it was me
Ohh... mm..

I've been watchin' you go through all of these things for a while, oh
There's gotta be a way to bring you back
'Cause it's worth it when you smile, oh
It doesn't have to hurt you forever
It doesn't have to last too long, yeah
If you're wondering where to turn to
I hope that you know

There's somebody out there, somebody somewhere
To show you the tenderness you need
Somebody to hold you when worries control you
I'd give anything if only you knew it was me

I wanna be there when you're in need
I would never be long if you were waiting
When you gonna see, if you could only see

There's somebody out there, somebody somewhere
To show you the tenderness you need
Somebody to hold you when worries control you
I'd give anything if only you knew it was me


I'd give anything, oh
Anything at all
I think it's time that you knew it was me