Thursday, June 18, 2009


I'll be 27 weeks along tomorrow. Yes. And I have to go to the doctors next week for the glucose test or whatever. :[ Hopefully they can find my veins this time to draw the blood. Both times.
I can't eat for 12 hours. So I just am deciding to fast from 10 pm to 10 am. That will be sort of hard. I just hope I don't get sick from the super sugary drink. My mom says it's gross.

I found out in group yesterday that if you chew on ice you have an iron deficiency. I think that's a lie because I just went to the doctor and she would've told me! Boooooooooo.

Anyway, my hair is blonde. The moment you've all been waiting for.

RuthAnn says it looks a lot better in person than it does on camera.

Anyway, so the past two groups have been about wearing masks.

It's sort of like everyone wears a mask to hide something or on the outside they act like a totally different person they are on the inside. But you need to be able to be who you are inside and outside.


Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls.

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying

Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am every man
and every woman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.
-----author unknown and it has been published in a number of books.

I'll show you my masks.
We made paper mache masks last group and then painted the front side and the back side yesterday.

We had to put vaseline on our eyebrows, eyelashes, around our lips, and hairline so that way it didn't pull all our hairs out.

So my outside represent with the big golden sun on my forehead that everyone thinks I'm a golden ray of sunshine and the pink heart on my lips represents that I speak love and kind words to everyone. I added green on later... only because it's my favorite color.

The this is my inside. Yeah, it's not very pretty. Because sometimes, I don't feel pretty. The split down the middle means I'm sort of broken because I love and I'm happy and I cry because of that and on the other side I'm sad and not so happy about things. The big stress on my forehead pretty much means, I'm stressed. Duh. I don't want to be broken or whatever. The circle with the red on it- On the other side is a bow and arrow so I'm sort of shooting boys because I'm not happy with them. Ha. Then the talking bubble that looks like a fetus, I just feel like everything I say is awkward and annoying and yeah.

Mine looks really sloppy because I only had an hour to do mine. Group starts at 4:30 until 6. And I was getting my hair done at 5:30. :[ Blah. But next week I'll be able to be there the whole time. I hope. :]

But my hair took about 4 hours. It's totally worth it though right? I like it a lot.
I was planning on putting in some secret pink in there but I decided not to. Not a lot of people would be happy with that.

Anyway, I had a random crying fest yesterday. I just got really stressed out. I don't know why. But I vented to someone, yep, N. It was only awkward because he didn't write back to anything that I said to him.
First I asked him if he had any pictures and if not, if I could come by on Sunday to get some from him. And he said he didn't know right then but Sunday would be okay.
Then I just got thinking about what Loni asked me about if he would want to see Olivia. So I asked him because it's been on my mind. And he said, I don't know. But I want to be there though.
I then started venting. Bad idea. I wasn't being mean towards him it was just kind of like hoping he would talk to me about it to know I wasn't going through this alone losing a daughter. But of course, I got nothing back. So I cried. I was crying even while texting him about it. I would rather have him respond and say, Sorry, I don't really want to talk about it. Then not responding at all. :/ It just makes me feel stupid. Maybe that's how he wants me to feel about it. I don't know.

I is lame.

Just Let Me Cry
Hilary Weeks

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We’re not just tossed by the wind,
or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.
When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...
I dig my heels in deep,
and I fight to keep my ground.
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out...

Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.

But for now...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

I have felt joy,
the kind that makes my heart want to sing.
And so my tears are not a surrender,
I’ll feel that way again.

But for now...
For this moment...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel.
Isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
I believe everything happens for a reason.

My Aunt sent me this song. And oh yeah, I cried.

The lyrics that got me the most was, "Still at times, the hurt inside grows stronger."
There are days that it hurts a lot more than it did the day before.
So I just would like to cry and I guess last night was one of those nights.


  1. WOW!! That was fast!! I'm still struggling with the "CHAT". I want to swear at my computer, but of course I won't. :) I still can't believe what just happened. I do believe that "everything happens for a reason"..... I cry over the song (and it's significance in our lives) while doing the dishes, go to my computer, there you are!! It's our song sista! I can say the pain you feel really isn't going away today, nor any day soon for that matter. But in time, He will take the pain away and you really will feel joy that makes your heart sing!! I love you girl!!! It's OK to cry. I still cry, though the frequency diminishes with time.

  2. P.S. I'm getting my hair done in the morning, but it won't be to turn it blonde, it will be to hide the gray!!! :) BTW, yours looks GRRRREAT!!!!! LOVE IT!!!

  3. Nice hair Stefanie! You'll have great baby pictures in just a few months.

    The mask making looks pretty fun. You should put some strings through it and wear it around some day.

  4. I'll have great baby pictures in a few months? :/

    If I put strings through the mask I won't be able to see or breathe! They covered my eyes and my nose.

  5. Cute hair. :)

    Sorry about your cry fest. I wish that Nic was there for you more and could give you what you need. Maybe you should ask for a blessing? That always helps me when I'm feeling really stressed.

  6. That is a great Idea that Erika is suggesting... I probably need to do that... With me moving out. and I hope I can find another job before the end of June, and I need to find a car... I don't have a lot of stress like you do right now! The thing that is interesting though... I want to cry, but I can't get it out! I just let the stress pile, then I just let it all out in one night. It kinda sucks that way... :P any ways! I'm hear for ya if you need anything! :D

    Oh! I Love your hair!! It is way cute! And I like the mask thing! Very interesting, and I like that poem about the mask! :D

    Hilary Weeks is so amazing! Sadly I don't have any of her Cd's. I Like that song "Just Let Me Cry" with just reading it today, I like it already with out hearing the music.

    Good Luck hun! :D I hope things will turn out for you! LOVE Ya! :D

  7. you look SOO good. Seriously. I wish I had looked that cute when I was pregnant.

    The chewing on ice IS a sign of iron deficiancy. I did the same thing and didn't believe it until I got the blood glucose test. (the one you are getting next week) That was when they told me my iron was low. So just you wait!! haha.

    Seriously though. You look SOO good