50th blog post.

Yep. I'm on my 50th blog post. The big 5-0. How enjoyable. I wanted to make it special. Yet, I have nothing really to make it special. Just my 26 week picture.


I don't enjoy the fact that I have a fat face in this picture. But I'm smiling.


I take much pride in my belly button. I've always had an innie. LOOK AT THAT.


Ignore the fact that all my make up is wiped off and I look 99.9% nasty.

I thought I would share a dream that I had the other night, I think I've only told a few people or a short version of the dream. The short version is funny. I gave birth to a kitten.

The long version:

I was going into labor and I call D and V to tell them. And they're like, "WE'RE ON OUR WAY!" So, I'm chilling. And then I start pushing then I pass out after I give birth and in my passing out I have a dream that I gave birth to a kitten. I was REALLY mad about it.
The other funny part of the dream. That they switched me up with someone else and that I actually had a boy. I went to see him and he looked just like N. I was REALLY mad about this. I have no idea why I was mad that he looked like N. But I think I was mad because first, they got my baby wrong and gave me a kitten. Then they told me it was a boy.
I regain consciousness in my dream. I'm well enough to walk around after giving birth and I see D and V in the next room holding her. They said that they were just a few minutes late so they weren't there for the whole birth. But I guess my pass out was a COMA. I was in it for like 2 days! And I saw them holding her and that I was my first time seeing her. But I was totally okay with it. That was the only peaceful, calm part of my dream.

I think I decided I'm going to go with blonde. Just because it's the summer. I hope I don't get nasty roots when I give birth. I want cute birth pictures after. Ha. So that would probably mean epidural because I don't want to be crying from the pain.
I did just fill out a 9 page social and health history form. D and V get one from me and N just kind of to see what Olivia could possibly have. I think they get it after all the papers are signed. I'm not sure how that works.

I had a session today with Loni and that's all we really talked about was signing papers and that I need to write down my adoption plan and how I see it going. She doesn't want me to be at the hospital FREAKING out that it's not going the way I want it to and cause a big drama. So, yeah. Good plan. I'll probably figure most of it out when I go to Virginia.
Let's see, she asked me about what N was going to do the week that D and V were here and if he was going to see Olivia. I told her I had no idea. I asked her if she's signed away his rights and he hasn't yet. So he has to fill out a medical history form too. The same one. And so she might do that and see if he would want to do it then or just wait and sign it at the hospital with me or a different time. I have no idea if he wants to see her or not. Loni says it's unlikely that he will see her. But it's up to him.
I can't force him to see her. I think he's afraid of attachment for her. Shoot, if I could get away with that I totally would. But it's already happened.

Just so you know, Olivia's been CRAZY these past couples of days. Dancing, moving around, jumping around, she stretched one time and her foot was in my rib- sharp pain. She had the hiccups for a long time today. It's a weird feeling. She has been moving a lot while I've been walking around. That's definitely weird.
I think she likes to hold on to my ribs with her hands then kick her feet. Ha. That would be funny to see. Playing monkey bars with my ribs. What the heck? MY INSIDES ARE NOT A PLAYGROUND.

Man, I've been missing a lot of D and V's calls. They called yesterday and I was at work :[ when I got off work it was 12:30 their time. Then today my phone died and when I got their voicemail it was 1:30 their time. But I PROMISE tomorrow (Wednesday) is okay to call me. I don't work in the morning. I have group from 4:30-5:30. At 5:30 I'm getting my hair done. It should only take about 2-3 hours. I have A LOT of hair.

After my session with Loni, I visited the high school I graduated from. West Ridge Academy. It was a theraputic boarding school. I lived there for about 6 months. I graduated almost exactly a year ago. A little bit over a year by a few days. I was really sad though because there was a girl there that I was BEST friends with just graduated on Friday. I BARELY missed her. And she's living in Kentucky with her mom. She honestly, is a black version of ME. Ha. Yeah, we're just that cool.
I probably have a million stories with this girl. We would get up and dance in the group room on random occasions. We threw wet tampons on the ceiling to see if they would stick.We would share books. We stayed up late and pretended to be asleep when night security came to check on us. We would work out our sexy abs late at night. We made fun of the CRAZY program girls that got in trouble all the time and made fun of all the drama. We mostly stayed out of it. We talked about boys. We were probably the coolest people around. If people didn't think I was black, I was probably half.

I visited with my therapist and told him about my adoption plan. I also visited with 3 of the teachers there and some of the girls that I still knew. Just a couple of them are there. It's a 10 month program. Some stay longer, either court ordered or the state or church are paying for them to be there. It's not a cheap program.
It kind of makes me laugh because on youtube if you look it up, there have been some sort of petition against West Ridge. There are couple of kids who are claiming that they were abused when they went there.... 7 years ago?! What the heck? Butt hurt much? The time I was there, I saw NO abuse. They restrain you if they believe you are a harm to yourself and/or others. There was a thing called work crew if you made a pretty big mistake and needed to learn your lesson. Sometimes you could ask to be on work crew if you believed that your mistake was a big deal. But work crew, you obviously cleaned, they had you do grass drills. You are disciplined like that because it's kind of a thing like, you don't EVER want to be on work crew. That's what they're trying to do. You are not allowed to talk to anyone. You have to raise your hand for permission to talk and to sit. You are last in the food line. I was on work crew maybe 3 times my whole program. 1st time, I screwed up on a home visit and snuck out to see J. 2nd time, I talked to boys on the boy side- who weren't even cute, I have to add. 3rd time, I contacted a girls boyfriend for her while in the program. It's not like you're on work crew forever. Your therapist will take you off if they feel like you learned your lesson.
Anyway, overall, it was a good visit. :]

I laugh because one of my teachers wrote a book. He asked me on Facebook what are some shows that teenagers watch. I thought he was going to watch them, I listed a few and I said, "But they're not very appropriate." He was like, "Oh no, they aren't for me!" Then I looked at his Facebook page and he was a fan of Gossip Girl. One of the shows I recommended. I made fun of him and told him that he lied to me and it really was for him. Which reminds me I need to rent the second season of Gossip Girl. Addicted? I think so.

Another one of the teachers I talked to, he was my music teacher. I just talked to him over the phone and he's like, I heard your having a baby! I was like, yes. Then he said, I heard you're getting married! I was like, nope. Not me. I laughed at it. But I told him my adoption plan too. I tell you, I'm pretty open about EVERYTHING. He was working on the boys side. So I didn't see him. The boys side is like 50 feet away. But a pregnant girl walking on campus in the middle of his class. Talk about AWKWARD.

Here's a funny story from work- I get REALLY irritated at work when people ask me EVERYDAY how my baby is. It hasn't changed since yesterday. She's still there. She's alive. She is living off a tube in her belly button, what more do you want? But this mexican lady, who is not fond of the idea of me placing for adoption, she asked me how it was. And I said good. She rubbed my belly and she said, "I love your baby!" I said, "Do you love my baby more than me?" She said, yes. Straight face, no stuttering, no thinking about it. Just a plain yes. And walked away.
So much joy.

:]

I'm sure my mom appreciated this joke. She just texted me to ask me if I was awake. It's 12:30. And I said yes. She asked if I could put my dog out on her chain because she's been peeing on the floor. And I texted her and said, "Oh, that's been me peeing on the floor. Olivia just kicks and my bladder explodes."
She loved it. No worries.