Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sour Skittles.

Before I start posting pictures of my childhood. I just wanted to lay it on the table, for some reason I've been having a feeling to say this. N and I were not a ONE time thing. I don't want people to think I don't know who my baby's daddy is. Sorry, but I was in LOVE with N. We dated for 6 months. Yeah, not a long time. But long enough to get serious. I don't want everyone to think we were just some random fling. I really thought that things were going to last and they didn't. People change. Big deal. I just wanted to get that out there.

So, I was thinking about getting my hair done before I go out to Virginia. But I can't decide what I want to do.

Blonde- I really, really miss my blonde hair right now. I love THAT.


Or red. That was my junior year in high school. My dad told us to look at the wooden deer head on the wall. Ha.

I could always go pink again. :]

Cast in your votesss. ha.

I'm probably the cutest thing ever. No lies. Ha. My nickname as a baby was Baby doll because I look like a baby doll? Ha. I don't know. But my mom really called me by that, you can hear it in old family home videos. It makes me laugh.

So, I was talking to... a friend of mine and she was telling me about how she was staying the night at her cousins and was telling her about how I'm placing and doing an open adoption. I guess her cousin made a big deal that open adoption is a bad idea. My friend who had been placed for adoption was really frustrated because she felt that open adoption wasn't because her adoption was closed and when she did contact her birth mom. Her birth mom wanted closure to know that the decision she made was the right one for her. And my friend feels that openness kind of helps the birth mom have closure and not worry and move on with life. I think it's pretty true. We were talking though about how she was scared for me that before I sign my rights away that I could change my mind.
I was thinking, yeah, I could change my mind. And that scares me. This girl in my group placed a few weeks ago and she was saying she had some time alone with her baby and she thought about seriously keeping her baby. But she knew that she wouldn't be able to. I'm afraid to be at that point and not be strong enough to give her away. It's frustrating. But I feel that if I keep a close bond with D and V that I will be able to. Because my big thing about not placing is not having trust. And I trust them with her and everything. I know that they'll be her parents and not me. That's why I didn't want an open adoption in Utah. If I had an adoption in Utah it'd be closed. Maybe pictures and letters but other than that I wouldn't want any contact because I want the parents to be the parents and not me interfere. As much as I would love for them to be closer to see her a lot, it's just better for them to be the parents.
I was talking to my mom the other day about D and V coming out here and how I'd have to sign away my rights so they are the ones that get to choose really for the week when they're out here and I have her. I can't just take over and be her mom. And my mom asked me how signing away my rights worked. And I told her that I have to wait 24 hours after I have her to sign. N could be signing away his right now. But he hasn't yet... he probably won't until at the hospital with me. If he comes. :/ And she said, well, do you think that he won't and try to take her away? I highly doubt that N would do that. If he knows that she's going to a good family and he knows that he won't be able to take care of her by himself. He's been all for adoption in the beginning because he wants her to have a better life than what me and him could give her.
He told me he thought about getting back together with me and having her and being a family. But he prayed and got the answer that adoption would be the best choice for her. In the beginning, I didn't want to believe him. I was stubborn. I was thinking that he was just thinking about himself and that he couldn't understand that I'm the one having the baby. I couldn't just pop it out and give it to someone else. It was hard for me to think about. And of course, I knew it was the right decision because I always would get offensive with people when they would ask me about it. If you asked Loni, she could've told you that I would come in and tell her that I'm keeping and our sessions were about single parenting. She wanted me to do the pros and cons and write it down. But I was always busy but I always had them in my mind.
I already feel that Olivia is V and D's daughter. At the same time, she is mine because she's apart of me. After my sister Erika forwarded me the e-mail that V sent her. I just had a feeling that she was theirs.
It's hard. It has NEVER been easy to make a decision. I know people think that adoption is the easy way out. Adoption is never easy. You bond with your baby. Ha, to be awkward, in the shower I get a hand full of water and just pour it over my belly, sort of like I'm giving her a bath. I love it. There are days that I just want to lay in bed and think about her and her future and not be around anyone else. I want to cry and hold her and never let her go. In my heart, she'll be my baby girl, I'll always know that. That's all I need to know to keep moving forward with life.


  1. I liked your Brown hair like in your Senior picture! So cute! And I also like the Blonde! :D So you're good either way! But I'd would go with Brown! I like you in the dark colors! :D you always look so cute! :D And I'm sure you'll have fun in Virginia! :D That is so exciting! :D hehehe! :D

  2. Hair colors: it's hard to be objective because I love the emotion/set-up in your senior picture. The brown hair is gorgeous!
    Your baby pictures are so cute! Is there a story behind the one where you are soaked in the sink? Is that Kim in the left of the Lion King one?
    I'm sorry Stef; we know it's such a heart-wrenching decision.

  3. My mom just says that the sink picture we were living in Virginia and we lived in a small apartment and I guess the washing machine drained into the sink and I wanted to play in it.
    And yes, that's Kimberly on the left.

    There are days that are harder than others to get through the stuff. But it gets better. :]