Monday, November 23, 2009

2 Months Old

We're transitioning from weekly pictures to monthly pictures now.

If you have not noticed the bumps on her face, I guess she's allergic to cats. Just so you all know I do NOT possess this allergy. But someone else does. I wonder who that could be...

I'm hating.

Here are her birth announcements that I got in the mail today from Val&Dustinn:

Birthmom Questions

I follow a blog named, This is a Site For Birthmothers by Birthmothers. And in one of the posts they had questions for birthmothers to answer. So I did and sent an e-mail and I decided to post my answers on here. If you're a birthmother and had anymore questions or an adoptive couple you can send it to me on here via comment or e-mail:

Questions for birthmothers from other birthmothers:

1. Do you have any specifics that you would change about your adoption experience had you to do it all over again? for ex pics, gifts, placement sentiments, communication, etc
I enjoyed every minute of my adoption experience. What I wish I could've done was let Valery (the adoptive mom) be more involved at the hospital. She was taking pictures when Olivia was born but I should've let her be by my and touch and hold her when she was first born. But everyone is different. I wish I could've done that.

2. Do you have any 'if i knew then what i know now' thoughts that might help others with similar albeit hypothetical situations?
It was hard for me because before I the hospital experience and she was born I had a good feeling about adoption and that when she was born nothing was going to change. Once there was an actual human being crying in my arms. It was WAY hard for me. I didn't expect it at all. I wish I could've known that it will be hard no matter what or how "good" you're feeling about the adoption.

3. If you did NOT name your child in the hospital, how come you chose not to?
If you DID name your child in the hospital why did you choose to?
I had kept a blog during my pregnancy. After I had announced to Dustinn and Valery I posted on my blog that if I was going to keep her, I would've named her Olivia. And I kept calling her Olivia on my blog because I didn't just want her to be "baby" and they decided to keep that name. They changed the middle name to Kate after Val's sister and great grandmother. If I was going to name her, her middle name would've been Nicole. On the birth certificate that I filled out her name is Olivia Nicole Farish (The birth father's name is Nicholas Farish). After I filled that out I had a feeling that wasn't her name that it is Olivia Kate J.

4. What are your top 5 high moments and your top 5 low moments of your adoption experience?
Top 5 highs
1. Telling the adoptive family I picked them
2. Knowing that I made the right decision with adoption
3. Flying out to Virginia to see the adoptive family when I was 7 months pregnant
4. Giving birth, holding Olivia the first time
5. Watching the adoptive family in the hospital with Olivia "being a family"

Top 5 lows
1. Finding out about my unplanned pregnancy
2. Finding out the birthfather wasn't going to marry me or be involved.
3. Realizing I couldn't be the mom and went with an adoption plan (This was very difficult for me because I felt as if I failed as a mother)
4. Walking out of the hospital alone and empty handed.
5. Trasitioning from being "mom" to "the birth mom."

5. Did you feel prepared for placement/relinquishment and the first year(s) after placement? if so, what did you do before hand to prepare. if not, what would you recommend for others. did you think you were and then realized later that you weren't?
I don't think anyone could ever be fully prepared for placement/relinquishment. All you can do is really prepare yourself for the hurt and the heartbreak. I think you should realize what you want after all of that happens. I know the day after placement I wanted the couple to spend a day with her so they could bond with her but then everyday after that I wanted to see her. They live in Virginia so they had to wait about 2 weeks for the ICPC papers to go through. That was the only time I was going to see my newborn as a newborn. The next time I see her she'll be 3 months old. I almost feel gyped of those months with her because I want her to come back as a newborn. Haha. You need to establish the open communication that you have with your couple beforehand. If you try after. I think it will all fall apart and become a huge mess.And I think others will be upset about expectations that weren't being met that we never made.

6. Who have you not told about your adoption and why? Who have you shared your adoption with and why? At what point were you comfortable talking freely (if ever) about your adoption experience?
I'm very open about my adoption experience. I kept a blog throughout my pregnancy and the day that I posted I was placing for adoption. My whole family knew and could keep up with it through my blog. I don't think that there is anyone that doesn't know. If there are friends or acquantinces that don't know, I don't let them. It's a pretty sacred experience for me to share and I don't want to go into detail about it. Most people don't when I say that I had a baby and placed for adoption. The conversation doesn't really go any further than that. I drop subtle hints to guys that I'm dating. I've only had one guy think it was weird because he wanted to marry a girl that waited for her husband to give away her virginity. Sorry to burst your bubble sir (:

7. Have you had a visit or even a reunion since placement?
I saw her two days after placement since I didn't have a lot of time to see her before she left to go to Virginia. I haven't seen her since they flew out to Virginia. They left October 17 and they're coming back in December to visit.

8. What do you feel are reasonable boundaries for a birthmother as far as writing to your child, sending gifts, giving money, unplanned visits/phone calls/texts, etc?
I think when the child is old enough to contact you. I think you should let them write to you first. I think it's okay to send them gifts and spoil them on Christmas and birthdays. I think you should ask the adoptive family as well what they think and how much contact they want you to have. You can ask them that through the years before the child is enough to start sending you emails, letters, pictures, calls, texts, whatever.

9. Is your birthchild old enough to know who you are? Briefly explain if possible.
N/A She's only 8 weeks old.

10. How do you cope when the adoptive couple doesn't follow through on commitments they made with contact after finalization?
I just kind of look at this way. My adoptive couple has a 2 year old son already and now they're taking care of a baby. I'm sure they have their hands full. I can't be straight up angry with them. Just because I don't have a life except for school and work and they have a family to take care of. I've been okay with just e-mails whenever they have the time to e-mail me. But if I need an e-mail right away I'll e-mail them first or just call them.

11. Do any birthmothers out there have any ideas for me to cherish my memories of all the pictures I have of my birthdaughter???
I have been making a scrapbook. I made a scrapbook for the adoptive family of me and the birth father growing up so that way when Olivia is old enough she can look through and see whose eyes and nose she has. I did take some professional pictures when Olivia was 2 weeks old and I'm putting those in frames. You can buy a digital photo frame if you have pictures are the computer of you and your birthdaughter and put them on a memory card and put the memory card in the digital photo frame and watch it like a slide show. Or make a video of the pictures. Scan them onto your computer and put music to it.
12. How do you move forward when the parents of my child are?
It's difficult but I know that while you're grieving the adoptive couple are grieving as well. You might think that's not true because they didn't have to give up anything. But trust me. They gave up a long time ago. A dream of having their own children, babies that look them, they were able to look past the fact that they can't get pregnant but want a child in their home to be a complete family. I think they grieve for the birth mom because of the sacrifice they made and they grieve because of their infertility. Bringing home a baby that isn't theirs just confirms to them that they can't get pregnant and have to put you through so much pain as they did.

13. Has any ones aparents not followed through with the contact they had promised? if so how do you handle and cope with that?
I don't think my couple has ever not followed through. I think I kind of expected more contact. While I was pregnant I would call the adoptive mom and talk to her about anything and about the doctors appointments just so she can be involved. And I kind of wanted it to be that way after Olivia is born but I didn't express that and I realize now that she probably couldn't have done that which is totally fine. I'm cool with e-mail updates just as long as I get one (:

14. Does the hurt and pain ever go away? Maybe when they turn 18 and the aparents cant keep you from them any more?
My adoptive family is not keeping Olivia hostage at all. They want me to come visit her as much as I want. They're coming out here and letting me see her. I'm still in the very early stages of it all since I only placed two months ago. It comes and goes but atleast she's not out of my life forever. It gets easier everytime that I see her.

15. What about having more children after placement? What are your fears? Problems that youve come across? Joys?
My fears is that I can have children. At my 6 week post partum appointment they did a pap smear. The results came back abnormal and found precancerous cells. I'm not sure about the whole thing they won't be testing me for sure until December 9th. But it's a scary thought to think you might have cervical cancer and if so, what if I can't have anymore biological children? What if I just placed my only biological child for adoption? It hurts. I hope that the pap smear was wrong and it changes back to normal. But I get so excited thinking about me and my husband having children. That I know that he'll always be by my side no matter what during the pregnancy. That he'll be there right next to me in the hospital when I give birth and it'll be a magical feeling to be able to hold onto my own child and not let him/her go. Ever. Again.

16. What's the best coping method when you feel overwhelmed with guilt and sadness? Loneliness? Anger? Anything?
I keep a blog. I talk to my case worker about things. I talk to other birth moms who have been there or are going through it and what they did to keep going. I try to have fun and not dwell on it. When I felt lonely I signed up for LDS singles and went on dates with guys just for fun. Nothing serious that's for sure. I'm not ready for a serious relationship for a long time. I will definitely have my days and just cry and pray to God and ask him why he let me go through this. It's been hard but it's made me a stronger person. I sometimes feel like I can do anything but I'd also like a break from life as well, it's okay to take a pajama day from life I think.

17. I'd like to know how other birthmoms celebrate birthday's, holidays or their child? Did you have a pregnancy/adoption journal? Did you keep things from the hospital, if so what? How are you doing today and how long ago did you place?
My pregnancy/adoption journal is my blog. I took everything that I could home from the hospital. One of the nurses was nice enough to give me a lock of her hair and the bow that she had in her hair. I just live vicariously through my adoptive couple through holidays by them sending me pictures and things. I'm flying out to Virginia for her first birthday. I'm sure when I have my own family and I won't be able to see her as much that I'll celebrate her birthday with my family and bake a cake for her. I'll send her gifts for Christmas and maybe a phone call for holidays whatever it is to keep in contact with her. I'm doing fairly well today since placement. I've definitely had my share of trials since then but I know God would never put me through anything that I couldn't handle. I still feel like the decision I made for Olivia to place her for adoption was the right one for me. I placed almost 8 weeks ago and they practically send me pictures of her every day either through a picture message or an e-mail or a blog. Whatever it is they try to keep me on track with their life.

I remember having a question after placement when people would talk to me about placement. I had no idea how comfortable my adoptive couple was with me saying she's my daughter. Is it alright for me to call her my daughter? I'm not her mom but I'm her birth mom ya know? My answer kind of to that is it's hard to transition from being mom to the birth mom. And I think you should include the adoptive couple and call them mom and dad when they're with her. And say "our" daughter instead of "my" daughter. She doesn't belong to anyone, we're all God's children.

Questions for birthmothers from adoptive couples:

A. Can adoptive couples send too many letters, emails, photos? When our birth mother doesn't respond, it makes me wonder if we are sending too much....
I think that there isn't too much of anything. The birth mother is grieving the loss of a child. Sometimes I think receiving a picture is like, "Thank you for reminding me what I don't have." And I'm sure she reads them or looks at them and is grateful that you send her those things. It's just difficult for her to reply. When the time comes and she comes around to the idea of what she did was good for her and for her baby that she'll respond. I would say don't give up.

B. When is birth mothers day? Is there a different day than regular mothers day?
Birth mother's day is the day before Mother's day. So it's the Saturday before Mother's day. I have yet to celebrate that day or seen any parades for it. But it's nice to be recognized and who knows if you get gifts for it. Ha.

C. How much is ok to express while finding, in a blog that a birth mother could be reading? Example.... longing, excitement... worries, all the feelings the adoptive parent is feeling while hoping to be chosen and in the finding stages? Should we say how we are feeling anywhere? To give them a sense of who we are? Or should we just do that privately?
You know what? I'm the type of person to just say it how it is. If you're afraid that a birth mother might not accept you because you have normal feelings, then she's not the birth mom for you. She is as vulnerable as you are during this whole process. She wants to feel like it's normal to have crazy hormonal emotions through the adoption. I think a birth mom is apart of your family if she can't accept you for your flaws then why should she see your perfection? That's what I think adoptive couples are, perfection, they're the perfect family that birth moms wish they could be. They wish they could be the family for the child they're carrying with a mom and a dad and be able to be financially stable. That's part of the sole reason why we choose to place. And it'd be a little bit worried if you didn't express your longing for a child or worried that you'd never have a child.

D. We give gifts on our daughter's birthday and on birthmother's day, but run out of ideas. What are some of your favorites?
I haven't really received gifts since placement. I was given a Willow Tree figurine. Google those. I think they're amazing and meaningful. I was given one of a mother holding a baby. I think it's the figurine called "Angel of Mine." One gift that I received at placement was that me, Valery, and Olivia were given a bracelet that are matching that we all can wear. Val's dad made me a jewelry box with Olivia's name burned into the lid and they also put in little notes from their family. Those are just some ideas.

E. Did you get professional photos with your birth child? Did the adoptive couple pay for it?
I did get professional pictures taken. The adoptive couple did not pay for it. My mom did. I expressed that I wanted some and my adoptive family was totally cool with it. I had a picture taken of me and the adoptive mom kissing Olivia on each cheek. It means so much to me. I wanted professional pictures taken so I can put them in frames and things. I hope to get more as she grows up.

F. I am not sure if on the first meeting if I should bring a gift. Wouldn't giving a gift the first time we meet make her feel like she has to pick us? Like pressure? What are acceptable first time meeting gifts?
The weird thing was that I knew my adoptive couple before. I knew them since I was 14. I found out when I was 3 months pregnant that they were looking to adopt. And I had no idea what I was doing at the time but I was trying my hardest to keep. So I have no idea about giving gifts the first time you meet. I think an ipod is a very good first gift, come on, we're giving you a baby! hahaha. I'm TOTALLY joking. If I was picking between two couples and one gave me a gift and the other one didn't, I'd totally choose the one that gave me a gift because it stood out to me and it made me feel like they were looking out for me, not just because they want my baby.

G. We have an idea of what we want to do on the day we bring the baby home for our birth mother. We are having so much fun putting a basket together of very thoughtful and loving gifts. Are there any you suggest?
I think that's so cute! I would put in there a stuffed animal and also give the baby a stuffed animal just like it so she feels like they share something. My couple gave me a stuffed animal that Olivia has and I sleep with it every night and pretend it's her. Or that she's sleeping with hers as well.

I find this post very fitting since Olivia is 2 months old today (:

Friday, November 20, 2009


This Friday has been a WONDERFUL Friday if I may say!

I went and saw the midnight showing of New Moon. A few days ago Jessica and I decided we wanted to see New Moon. Of course, most of the movie tickets are sold out only a few days before. So we went onto KSL. Some ladies doctors office rented out a theater at the Provo mall the tickets were 10 dollars but we got a VIP pass. And there were door prizes. Jessica and I won bookmarks.

I had some of the funniest moments of my life there.

I don't even know what was going on. There were 4 guys in the front row. With no dates. (Come on, I even went with a date. Not Jessica. He is of the male species.) And they were making fun of all the girls like screaming in the movie. I'm like, really? You're with your gay lovers at the movie. People should be making fun of YOU. (I don't hate on gays. One of my best friend's is gay.)

One of them says, "This is the riskiest thing that I have ever done." I said loud enough for him to hear, "That's a little bit sad if the riskiest thing you've done is see a midnight Twilight movie."

During the movie, one girl said, "I hate it when people talk in movies." I said, "You just did!"

It was a good movie. I was very impressed. It was not a let down unlike Twilight. I was just glad that it actually ran smoothly like a movie unlike Twilight which was a hot MESS.

I'd like to give a shout out.

Thank you New Moon for being everything I wanted you to be.

Thank you for making Edward sufficiently attractive in this movie. I'd like to keep my eyesight.

Thank you Taylor Lautner for being an actor and making up for Kristin Stewart's and Robert Pattinson's bad acting jobs.

And can someone PLEASE get me Taylor Lautner's personal trainer's address? I need to send him a thank you note.

(Taylor Swift definitely has some competition with the whole female population!)

And for all you Twilight fans- Eclipse comes out June 2010!

If you all haven't been aware already. I've been writing a missionary.

A little bit about him... I met Trey when I was 17 at EFY. I had a HUGE, GIANT crush on him and EVERYONE knew. He even knew. But he still hung out with me. That's weird huh? Well, the problem was that he lived in St. George. There was NO way that I could have a long distant relationship and plus at that time Joel and I were on a "break."
Trey and I still kept in contact throughout the years by texting. Actually, sometime last year, my friend Jen and I went to UVU for some weird reason and he happened to be in the building studying so we hung out with him for a little bit. I think it was in December right before me and Nic broke up.
Then in January after me and Nic broke up, my friend Natasha invited me to go to an institute dance with her at UVU. I texted Trey to come hang out with me because I wasn't going to know ANYONE. At the time, I had a thought that I was pregnant but I didn't say anything to anyone. Trey and I were seriously attached to the hip the whole dance and jumped around and danced. We ran into some of his friends who were EFY counselers that summer so we did a bunch of EFY dances with them. It definitely reminded me of old times. He was planning on taking me home that night but I had someone else take me home. I kind of really wish that he did take me home that night.

Anyway. I think a week later I found out I was pregnant. I really think he texted me the night that I found out and asked me when we were going to hang out again. And I said, "I'm pretty sure you don't want to hang out with me." He kept bugging me and asking me what was wrong and I told him I would tell him later. I didn't want like all of my friends knowing before my family and Nic found out that I was. I think after I told Nic the next night I texted Trey and told him that I was pregnant and was pretty sure he didn't want to hang out with me because of that. And all he said was, "So?!"
I'm thinking, Really? He still wants to hang out with me?

On Valentine's day he came over to my house and we had a tv show watching marathon of Ghost Whisperer. He also gave me a nice back/shoulder massage. Not a naughty one. Come on.
Valentine's day was on a Saturday so my parents invited him to go to Stake Conference with us the next day. And he did. He came over for dinner as well and for some reason my pregnancy hormones got the best of me. At dinner I just cried. I had NO reason to cry. I just felt like crying. He probably thought that was FREAKY. My parents invited him to go to the Draper Temple open house but I think we both were busy and couldn't go.

In March, I went over to his place and we made cookie dough (it sounded SO good) and spaghetti (I know, a great romantic combo). We watched Twilight (he hadn't seen it). Then after that I think we played some Call of Duty 4. Let's just say I'm not very skilled in those killing games BUT I did kill him first when we first started playing. He thought I was so good at the game from that point on that he didn't go easy on me. And I lost. Horribly.
We then put in Juno. He was definitely a cuddler but at the time I totally wasn't in the cuddling mood. But I did it anyway. Ha. Then I left.

For some reason we stopped contacting each other. I think around that time is when my old Facebook account got hacked and I can't get into it anymore. And that was a lot of how we communicated as well. That's how the Ghost Whisperer plans came up because I think I posted on my Facebook status that I was always lonely on Valentine's day.

I think in July. Right after I got home from Virginia. I texted Trey because I was visiting Jessica. And he asked, "Who is this?"

I'm thinking, "Great, so he really has been purposely ignoring me for the past few months and wants to forget about me."

I told him. And he said, "I was just thinking about you the other day! I had to get a new phone and I lost ALL my old numbers so I'm glad you got a hold of me."
I said, "Oh really? I hope they were good thoughts of me!"
He said, "Well, duh! I don't think anything bad about you!"
I said, "Intrigue me. What were thinking about?"
He said, "I was thinking that I haven't heard from you in a while and that the last time we hung out I should've kissed you."

Get this. I've never kissed him. The 2 years that I've known him since EFY. We have never kissed.

I said, "Oh yeah? Well... we should hang out sometime soon!"

Then... we never made plans. I just got busy that day and then at the same time I had a lot of other stuff on my mind.
I'm thinking he never saved my number in his phone because I didn't hear from him since.

RuthAnn works in the MTC. And he came into her office and saw her nametag and said, "Are you Stefanie's sister?!" She said, "Yeah... who are you?" He said, "I'm Trey. I'm Stefanie's friend. Did she have her baby yet?" She said, "Yes." (This was like two days after I had her) And he said that was cool and left.

She looked up his information for me and I sent him a letter. I guess the day that he got my letter he went into my sister's office and said, "Thank you for giving Stefanie my information!"

I've received two letters from him. (I've sent him 3. I sound desperate! I've written once a weekHe says he's been very busy in the MTC. I bet.
He's going to Hong Kong China.

I'll update you guys (:
This is what he wrote:

"-Cantonese is coming along nicely, slowly, but surely.
-I'm in the MTC for 3 more weeks, and even though I wish I was fluent already, and am not, I still can't wait to leave!
-Cantonese is harder than I thought, but not a surprise so I wasn't caught off guard.
-The food here has gotten pretty lame...
-I have two companions. One is 24 and ex-army, so he's kind of too serious sometimes, but he's really mellowed out a lot since day one and we're closer. My 2nd companion is from St. George and freshout of High School. But he's pretty mature and fun to hang around he is a peacemaker, which is good because all 3 of us are very strong willed.
-My classes are usually pretty boring, honestly. I wish I had the 5-6 hours of class we use in the day to sudy on my own, but some days it's really good, so once in a while is okay...

So there is the way boring low down..."

I laughed at his P.S.
"Since I only have 3 more weeks, you will have to write you're angry, "Why didn't you write sooner?" letters, fast. I don't think I'll be writing much if at all, when I'm in Hong Kong. (a very poorly drawn -thoughtful- heart at the end)"

I danced around the room when I got the letter. Let's speed up these next 22 months, how about that?

I totally forgot the cool things about this. He went into the MTC the DAY that I went into labor and had Olivia. Coincidence? I think not.
Let's see. The first letter I wrote him I told him about the adoption. In March was the last time that I saw him and still during that time I was undecided in my plan.

"Let's see here... No I don't have one lady friends waiting for me, nor do I have plural lady friends waiting. Just so you know and no one is confused." Well, now one is (:

"That's great to hear that your baby is so healthy! I guess your sister didn't tell you in time, I got into the MTC the same day you had your baby! So that means she is now... one month old! (: Sweet. I'm glad you tried to do the best thing for her even though it was hard. I personally think that you did the right thing."

(insert now my very poorly drawn -thoughtful- heart at the end)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Humble and Hibernating

I know it's only been 4 days since I said I won't be on here for a while. Well, I decided that I need to make my appearance back into the blogging world and why I just sort of threw a temper tantrum. I hope I don't get any hate comments for what I'm saying. This is a VERY personal situation. I figure that I need to show that being a birth mom isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Even though you think you might get off the hook with God. He still shows you that you still have to work hard to be happy, no matter what life throws at you.

I figured, I went through the hardest thing in my life by placing my baby for adoption. God will understand me and know how hard it was since He gave the world His only begotten son to suffer the sins of the world and to be crucified. I think if anyone understands the pain and loss of a child, it's Him.

I have been praying for a heart at peace with everything. Trust me. You think that I like being unhappy and angry with everyone around me? Of course not.

On Friday, November 13, I received a phone call from my OB's office. And I knew immediately why they were calling before I picked up the phone. They did a pap smear at my 6 week appointment. They called back to say my results came up as abnormal. There was so much going through my brain and thinking that I have some crazy STD that I was unaware of my whole pregnancy. But that would be untrue because they did a pap smear right before I got pregnant and was perfectly normal.
They told me that they found SIL (Squamous Intraepithelial Lesions): Changes are seen in the cells that may show signs of pre-cancer. SIL can be low grade (LSIL, which is what they found) or high grade (HSIL).
LSIL: Early, mild changes are seen in the cells.

They really did not give me much information on the phone. All they said was that it was low grade pre-cancerous cells. After they set up the appointment to do a colposcopy (Lets your doctor look at the cervix through a special device similar to a microscope. it can detect problems of the cervix that cannot be seen with the eye alone. It's used to help diagnose SIL and cervical cancer.) and possibly and biopsy (an area of abnormal cells is seen and removes a small sample of tissue and sent to the lab to be studied), I got off the phone and cried. There was so many things going through my mind. Of course, I googled everything. And they way they treat cervical cancer is a hysterectomy. I couldn't handle the thought of placing my biological child for adoption and not being able to have anymore kids of my own.
I know some people are thinking, "you should be grateful that you atleast had a biological child of your own." But the whole time I was thinking of those people who couldn't have children. How difficult it was for me to find out that I might have cervical cancer and not have anymore children how that day was for women to find out that they won't be able to bear their own children. My heart and prayers went out to every single one of you comfort and peace for that trial that you have endured.

During that time as well, I was angry at God. I hung out with a friend of mine that night to get my mind off of things. We stayed up late and I was going to spend the night at her house but then I just wanted to go home and cry. On the way home, in my car, I cried. I prayed and screamed and even though I had so much anger in me, I felt a hug of understanding and basically feeling like He knew that He was giving me so much but I still needed to learn. And I'm thinking what do I need to learn? Definitely to humble myself. That's for sure. I had such a spiritual high while I was pregnant and a little bit after placement. I then started losing hope and giving up on myself. God is just kicking me in the butt to motivate me by giving me a wake up call. Such as being pregnant and a cancer scare. After that moment, all I could say to Him was give me all you got, just let Olivia be happy (and the J family) and never to go through anything I had to go through and I'll call that fair and do whatever He wanted me to do. Haha. I know you can't really make a deal with the Lord but I tried.

I have been given comfort. I think the OB nurse realized that it was troubling me and they sent me a pamphlet of information about abnormal pap smears. It also says, "SIL is found in women of all ages. It can range from mild (circled for me), moderate, and severe to cacinoma in situ (CIS). CIS is not yet cancer. However, if not treated, it is the type of SIL most likely to progress to cancer.
LSIL may not need to be treated. A woman may just need to have a repeat Pap test.

I talked with my caseworker the day that I found out, we happened to have an appointment set up that day. God definitely was looking out and realized that I needed help. Such as two days after Nic and I had broken up (I didn't know I was pregnant at the time) I asked my dad for a father's blessing. It helped me and then when I found out I was pregnant. I realized that with the help from that blessing that I needed God in my life and luckily, I was looking for it at that time. She told me it was okay to be angry and to ask Him why he was doing this to me. To do whatever I need to get stuff off my chest. She asked me if I were angry or frustrated with a family member or friend would I say something to them? I told her, Well, yeah. She said, "Sometimes you need to do that with God. You realize that you are His daughter and He's your Father and He does make you angry sometimes."

My mom realized I was going through a hard time as well. I haven't really talked to anyone the past few days. And trust me, if you have stood in my way. You probably got an earful. I apologize.
My mom (or maybe my dad) printed off an article that they found on There was an article in the magazine, Liahona in 2004, given by President James E. Faust called, "Where Do I Make My Stand?"
Here are some of my favorite points from this article:

I humbly pray this morning that I may be understood and not misunderstood. In an increasingly unjust world, to survive and even to find happiness and joy, no matter what comes, we must make our stand unequivocally with the Lord. We need to try to be faithful every hour of every day so that our foundation of trust in the Lord will never be shaken. My message is one of hope and counsel for those who may wonder about the seemingly unfair distribution of pain, suffering, disaster, and heartache in this life. Some may ask:

“Why was I born with physical or mental limitations?”

“What did I do to deserve this heartache?”

“Why did my father have to suffer so much following a cruel, disabling stroke? He was such a righteous man and always faithful and true to the Lord and His Church.”

“Why did I have to lose my mother twice—once to the ravages of Alzheimer’s disease and, secondly, to death? She was such an angel.”

“Why did the Lord let our little baby girl die? She was so precious, and we loved her so much.”

“Why hasn’t the Lord answered our prayers the way we wished?”

“Life isn’t fair. We know some people who have done some very bad things, and yet they seem to have everything they want or need.”
Dr. Arthur Wentworth Hewitt suggested some reasons why the good suffer as well as the wicked: “First: I don’t know. Second: We may not be as innocent as we think. Third: … I believe it is because He loves us so much more than He loves our happiness. How so? Well, if on a basis of strict personal return here and now, all the good were always happy and all the bad suffered disaster (instead of often quite the reverse), this would be the most subtle damnation of character imaginable.”

President Kimball gave this insightful explanation:
If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency. … There would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.

How we use our God-given moral agency explains why some things happen in our lives. Some of our choices have unforeseen results, which may be good or bad. But often we know in advance that some of our choices will have detrimental or even harmful consequences. I call these “informed choices” because we know our acts will have disastrous results. These informed choices include illicit sexual relations and the use of drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. Such poor informed choices may prevent a person from going on a mission or receiving temple blessings. We may make incorrect informed decisions because the lures of the world distort reality and make us vulnerable. In dating relationships with the opposite sex, making a wrong choice early may limit making the right choice later.

President Howard W. Hunter once said, “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see. None of us knows the wisdom of the Lord. We do not know in advance exactly how He would get us from where we are to where we need to be, but He does offer us broad outlines in our patriarchal blessings. We encounter many bumps, bends, and forks in the road of life that leads to the eternities. There is so much teaching and correction as we travel on that road. Said the Lord, “He that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.” (D&C 136:31) “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.” (Heb. 12:16)

As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee. (2 Kgs. 20:5) Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord.

President Brigham Young offered the profound insight that at least some of our suffering has a purpose when he said:

“All intelligent beings who are crowned with crowns of glory, immortality, and eternal lives must pass through every ordeal appointed for intelligent beings to pass through, to gain their glory and exaltation. Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. … Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.”
-It was so hard for not to post the whole article. It was purely amazing, if you ask me.
I know that God is watching out for me and for everyone. Sometimes he gives us soft nudges into the right direction and at times, we need to be pushed off a cliff to realize what direction we need to take. I'm definitely grateful for that guidance and the prayers that everyone has given me during this time and trial in my life. I'm grateful that there is a right direction in life and to have that support with me.
My doctors appointment isn't until December 9th. Wish me luck. As I wish you luck and prayers in your journey.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I kind of stopped the whole I'm grateful for each day thing. It was kind of a hassle to get on the computer everyday to post what I was grateful for. And I haven't been on lately just a lot of things are happening in my life and I'm just trying to keep myself preoccupied.
When I'm on here I tend to pour out my personal secrets to the world. And that's something that I don't want to do right now until I have more information.

The post placement group on Thursday was alright. Two girls told their pregnancy/adoption stories. That was fun to listen to.

We just got on the topic of the New Year. One girl asked if anyone was excited for the New Year to have a "new beginning."
In a way, I don't need the New Year to have a "new beginning." My new beginning started after placement. My motivation is Olivia. Years from now, I want her to look up to her birth mom who changed her life around for the better. I want her to see that I did get married in the Temple and I returned to virtue.

I really have been having a hard time lately. Not anything particularly with adoption. I have my days, who doesn't? I try to focus on the positive of everything. But there are some negatives in my life. I don't want to focus on any of that either.

At group, there was something that stung me for some weird reason. A girl was talking about that she placed her son for adoption... last week. She was saying how painful it was for her to see him and how she is in the "awkward" or "uncomfortable" stage with her couple where she doesn't know what to talk to them about.
For me, it has been a little bit of a struggle or a transition to being the birth mom. When I was pregnant I would call and e-mail Val about every little thing about the pregnancy and let her be involved. I was excited for myself and excited for her. Now, I really don't have anything to talk about. I'm on the other end now, getting calls and e-mails about Olivia. It's exciting.
What I realized is that, that's the only way I'm going to watch her grow up. There are girls whose families live down the road and can see their baby any time of the day if their family will let them. They have that luxury. Sometimes it gets to me when girls say to me, "I haven't seen my baby in over a week and it sucks." Tell me when you haven't seen your baby in two months, then come talk to me.

I've really been bitter and depressed lately. I'm working on it. There are days that I really don't want to get out of bed and take on the world because all it does is let me down. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. But it's a scary thought to me. First, I place my baby for adoption hoping that everything in my life would be good after that. Then life smacks me in the face. Trust me, I had a screaming and crying battle in my car with God just not understanding why everything was happening and that there was so much already going on. And I'm just waiting for a break here.

I can't even talk about it right now without being angry and frustrated. So I'm pretty much done here. If you don't hear from me in a while, don't worry. I'll be okay. And I'd appreciate it if I don't get any messages asking me how I'm doing. I'll tell you what's going on if I want to. Don't pry it out of me.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

7 weeks old.

Nov. 11-

I'm grateful for...

1. The troops fighting in Iraq.

2. Everyone in the Military. Including my dad who was in the Military for 25 years and retired as a Lt. Colonel. He has done a lot for our family to provide for us growing up.

3. Little Olivia being a healthy 7 week old baby girl (Same with the whole J family. They've been sick with colds the past week or so.)

Nov. 12-

I'm grateful for...

1. Friends who buy the same shirt as me and buy me a Utah hat (Sorry BYU, you have not made me proud this season to buy a hat for you.) Yes, we did go out in public wearing the same shirt. We rock.

2. Thursday group. I know I've mentioned it before. But I always learn something new everyday. Either about myself or life lessons.

3. The crazy kiosk people that stop you in the mall, I was able to get something for my mommy for Christmas. Oh how I love early Christmas shopping... not.
I hate how good they are at their jobs. They suck me and I end up buying the whole dang kiosk.

She asked, "Do you know someone who is need of a Christmas present? Mom? Sisters?" I said, "I have a mom." She said, "Really? I have three!" I asked, "WHAT?! Are you serious?!" With a straight face she said, "No." Touche crazy kiosk lady.

She asked me, "So what do you say?" I said, "Yes....?" You had to be there.

That's all I got.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Pay Day!

I'm grateful for...

1. Having a job and Paychecks and having $.
2. Cute clothes from Papaya.
(I purchased a shirt that says "The Haters heart ME".) 3. Diet Coke. I'm addicted (:


So, please, just be patient. I'm so afraid to care about
someone. I know it seems like I'm this strong girl who can get
through anything, but inside I'm very fragile.
I've had so many things thrown at me, & each one has only
made a crack. what I'm afraid of is shattering.

Every single person has at least
one secret that would break your heart.

Just tell me why I was never good enough. I think you
owe me at least that much. After all the months of
second guessing and falling down, you owe me this. So before
you go and run away, look me in the eyes
and tell me why after I nearly killed myself trying to be
perfect for you, I still never really lived up to your expectations?

In life, don't just trust people who change their feelings
with time. Instead, trust those people whose feelings
remain the same even when time changes.

It was like she was only there when it was convenient for him.
Like she was the gas station no one ever visited unless their tank was
coming up on empty. Yeah, there were days when she hated him and there were
days when she was head over heels, too. But none of those days mattered,
because she could never have him no matter how hard she fell.

It doesn't make sense to let go of something you had for so long,
but it also doesn't make sense to hold on when nothing's there.

Don't ever break for someone who would never bend for you.

I love you. I've never tried to pack so
much into one phrase in my whole life.

My body feels too small to hold all that I'm feeling.

I saw you out last night and you seemed so surprised that
I could walk right by you and not blink an eye. Look at me,
You probably think i'm doing fine. Good thing you can't read my mind.

You get to her. You make her cry late at night. You make her
scream at the top of her lungs. You make her second guess everything
you say. But she's not about to admit it to you. Her pride is
too strong. but really, would it matter anyway?

The minute you think you're going to lose something,
it suddenly becomes the most important thing in your life.

It made me wonder how many times we forgive just
because we don't want to lose someone,
even if they don't deserve our forgiveness.

One day you're going to wake up and realize how much you
care about her. But when that day comes she'll be waking
up beside the guy that already knew.

Crying doesn't indicate that you are weak.
Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.

It's upsetting to think that someone can, after so long, so many
memories and so much love, just turn around and say, “Sorry, I don't love you anymore.”
After everything they have gone through, it hurts to think about how somebody can
change their mind on such a thing as their love for another. I can't even begin
to understand the reasons behind this. I know things change and nothing lasts,
but I just can't seem to comprehend how can a feeling change,
just like that, in a blink of an eye? And it scares me, so much.