I'm grateful for...
1. Safety For The Soul- Conference talk by Jeffery R. Holland.
I read something the other day that made me SICK to my stomach. Just a friend that I know, his mom fell away from the Church. I'll just quote what she said, "I regret having my children grow up in the Church." Reading this talk gives me comfort more than anything that I absolutely do NOT regret growing up in this Church. I do NOT regret choosing that Olivia will grow up in a home with parents who are firm believers in this Church and have a strong foundation in it. I hope when I'm ready to have children of my own someday that I will be to have them grow up in the Gospel.
2. I love you texts from my mommy.
"Goodnight... I love you my little Steffie-Q."
3. Taylor Swift for writing songs about D-bags that cheat on her. She just takes the words right out of my mouth.
Well, I thought I would take the time to write about dating after Olivia/placement.
I have written probably some nasty, hurtful things towards Nic while I was pregnant or after placement. Because I have been hurt... too many times. I have been bitter about the way Nic had treated me during that time in my life. I never thought he was going to turn out to be one of "those guys"... you know what I'm talking about. The jerks, the users, the cheaters, the liars, whatever you think "those guys" are. That's what he became in my heart while I was pregnant. I couldn't believe that the guy that told me he loved me, left me and his daughter to fend for ourselves. Of course, I was pregnant AND single. During that time, is when I needed people the most. I also found out who my real friends were, the ones who stuck with me through thick and thin.
I want to take the time to dedicate this blog to the slimbags that I did date. (: And I'd like to thank Taylor Swift to give me the courage to do this publically. Come on, she writes boys names in songs- I can put them in my blogs.
I dated him when I was 15. We actually got together on April Fool's Day when I was 14. Turned 15. We dated over the summer (he was gone most of the summer in California). I won't deny that I was sort of a psycho and thought we were going to get married. He was my first boyfriend. COME ON. He dumped me on the first day of school my Sophomore year. That was when I knew high school was just going to be a BLAST. Now, he's in the Army. Actually, he might be in Iraq right now.
I met Beau (15 when I was 15) in St. George while I was dating Mitchell. Beau worked at a laser arcade. I was visiting my best friend Ali since 6th grade. I got his number. I didn't text him until Mitchell and I had broken up. Beau and I had a "long distant relationship." We talked every night on the phone. I don't even know what we talked about. I mean, not a lot had gone on in my life, I was only 15. We saw each other ONCE when we were dating. We officially got together in October. Saw each other in December. We broke up in February. He pretended that his mom got mad that we were dating and broke his phone. I didn't hear from him for two weeks. He broke up with me. I found out from a girl who went to his school that he was dating someone else. Now, I actually talked to him a few days ago, randomly. He's dating a girl. They've been dating for 8-10 months. Things are going pretty good with him. He was also a little bit on the drunk side when I talked to him. HA.
Oh boy. Well, Tucker (17 when I was 15) was also a "long distant relationship." He was friends with my friend Ali. He saw I was on her "top friends" on Myspace. He added me as a friend. He wrote me and told me that him and his girlfriend of two years broke up and thought I was cute. I went to visit Ali in St. George for spring break (this was right after me and Beau broke up so in April). He gave me a stuffed animal bunny that I still have from him. The day I left he went with his ex to Las Vegas for something. I don't remember. Two weeks after that he told me about it and that he had been hanging out with her and had been cheating on me. Dumped him. They dated for a while then he moved to Colorado. I think he now lives in Cedar City. And his ex actually died of a drug overdose last month.
I knew Zach (18, when I was 16) since I was 14. Been on and off for two years. In June, I gave something to him. He then cheated on me that same day. Now, I have no idea what he's doing. The last knew is that he was dating someone.
I met him a little bit after that. My best friend Lauren was meeting him off of Myspace and his friend Blake. Shane (19, when I was 16) and I (16) ended up getting together. We broke up in August, I think. My mom found stuff from Planned Parenthood. She freaked me out saying I was pregnant. While I was at school, he came to my house and talked to my dad and told him he wanted to marry me or something. Later that day he told me he found an apartment for us. We went to the mall, I took a pregnancy test. Negative. He told me he still wanted to marry me. I dumped him. I was 16. SO not ready to get married. Sorry. Now, he's married and has a 6 month old little girl. (I found out from one of his friends)
I met Joel (17 when I was 17) my second semester of my Junior year. We didn't start talking until I had been hospitalized. I also thought he "saved me." For some reason, at that time, no one wanted to be my friend. But he befriended. I mean, I was a LOSER. No one would sit with me at lunch or talk to me. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends for lunch. We got together May 12, 2007. I would say he was my first love. But it wasn't love. He was my "high school sweetheart." I got sent away to a wilderness program October that year. Then to West Ridge Academy after that. We would write letters but we never really saw each other. Only on the weekends when I was able to come home. When I did come home he wanted to marry me. But I wasn't happy with him. He was kind of psycho. Very needy and depressed. I pretty much got with him because he gave me attention when I needed it. And I got with him to save him from his depressed state. I did nothing but made it worse. He wanted me to do things with him and other girls. He wanted me to be okay with him sleeping with other girls. I was torn APART. Because I thought I loved him and that when we got married that he wouldn't want that anymore (but he expressed me that he still did and wanted to be a polygamist). I cheated on him with Nic to get away. That was the only way I could. We officially ended in October 2008. A few weeks later, after I had changed my number, he got it from a mutual friend. He told me he was saving up money for an engagement ring for me but now he was going to kill me and Nic. (Before that he tried to kill himself twice and was hospitalized both times) Now, he's a drug dealer. He's on the verge of being homeless. I know this because he comes in and randomly stalks me at my work.
You all know about him. I thought he saved me from Joel. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I realized that I needed someone better than Joel and I found Nic. I just need to find someone better than Nic. Now, all he's doing is working. Nothing else.
Now, why did I do this? Because I'm DONE with all of that. I'm done with my past. I'm done with all the boys that hurt me.
What hurts is having memories. I've been sleeping in the basement of my house. The bed that I'm sleeping in, is kind of like the one that Nic has at his house. I woke up last night and thought I was there with him. It FREAKED me out. Like I had gone back in time to fix things. But that's not what happened. I ended up texting him telling him that it sucked getting over him but I know I will someday. It sucked having memories of him.I also told him it bothered me with the text he sent me how I was doing because he never did it while I was pregnant.
My friend Alyssa and I signed up for LDS Singles. Yeah, we're losers. I've met a few guys off of their hoping to find someone "normal." I would tell the guys before about Olivia. They did not respect my sacred experience with her. They would tell me how hard it must've been for me. But they looked at it as, "Oh, she's had sex. She's been with another guy." It's DISGUSTS me to no end to be looked at that way. I'm SO glad my subscription ends soon. I don't want to encounter guys like that ever again.
I've just been realizing that now, that Satan is working his butt OFF trying to get me to do wrong. To fall back to my old life and patterns. I realize this because right now, all I'm attracting are the guys who just want sex from me, even though they're "good return missionaries." All I have to say is SCREW YOU. It sickens me that there are so many return missionaries that come home and slack off. Like it meant NOTHING to them. I don't know about you, but I've had to do A LOT to have this close relationship with God. I don't think I want to ruin that again. I had to humble myself to make myself a better person. Sadly, I had to learn that way. And it's sad to me the guys who were "worthy missionaries" come home and do NOTHING with that. They did "what they were told" to go on a mission. It doesn't stop there. It doesn't automatically mean you're saved. I know I'm not saved from the experience I had. I still have a lot more that I have to work on. Why can't anyone understand that? I thought boys come home from their missions as men, not as pigs. Sorry. It's sad that us, girls, have to wait for the "right guy" but all the wrong ones come home.
At this time, I would like to give a shout out to all the good guys in the world. Alyssa was chatting with a guy. I was just sitting with her and she was showing me his pictures and that he's divorced and his ex wife just had a baby. When he found out she was pregnant he started going full time to school and to work so his ex could be a stay at home mom. His ex got lonely and needed attention. She cheated on him. A few weeks later, she went home to visit her step mom and cheated on him again. She told him a week later about both guys and decided to divorce her.
He said, "I cry myself to sleep every night cause I miss my daughter so much."
His ex is not letting him see his daughter and he's fighting for custody. His ex smoked and smokes around the baby.
He said, "I get comforted by Heavenly Father often, but it still hurts. I never thought becoming a parent would be this difficult. I never wanted this for my child. I know how you feel with you not being with your baby. Sorry to hear about your situation. I bet that is hard. I don't know the strong bond between a mother and a child but i am sure it was and has been emotionally hard for you.
People think I sound korny when I go against what the real world has taught that women are lower than men and should be treated as dirt. I would never spit nor slap nor hit a woman...I mean in the scripture it says Heavenly Father protected Our Heavenly Mother's name so it would not be defiled in this world like His name is... out of respect and love. That is what every woman should be given.
I am already crying. I gave my ex the world...the way in my mind I always wanted to treat a woman that I married and even though I don't care what the real world thinks of me... I wanted those immature women that settle for abuse to see that there are a handful of us decent guys left in this wicked world. I promised Heavenly Father that I would do that for the woman I decided to make the mother of my children. I guess it didn't matter to her. I tried everything. Heavenly Father says I deserve better now, but it's so hard for me to find a woman who doesn't care that I am divorced with a baby girl. Most women settle for what they got and when they see a guy that might be too good to be true they just run out of fear. My heart aches so bad. It's not the fact that I want to rush into a marriage... I just want a woman who will appreciate what I really do and the hard worker that I am. Right now I am a full time student with two jobs so if I do get my baby girl I can quit a job and can support both of us until I can find a woman who can treat my daughter as her own."
My heart hurts for HIM. I mean, I prayed with all my heart while I was pregnant that Nic could be that guy. That Nic could love me and his daughter. That he had felt that strongly and that motivated to do whatever it took to make us happy and to make it work. When he first told me that adoption was what's best. I felt like he was giving up on us. I wanted to scream and cry at him (trust me, I did multiple times). He never fully understood how much it meant to me. No guy will understand what it's like for a woman to get pregnant or the want to get pregnant.
I heard it ALL the time while I was pregnant, "A woman becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant. A man becomes a father when he sees his baby."
Nic never really understood because he wasn't there for me during my pregnancy. I can't do anything about it now because it's over. I wish I could educate the guys who do run away from the girls that they get pregnant. He may think that it's best for him and that he isn't effecting anyone. He hurts both the girl and his future child.
When I went to the high school presentation. The teacher said something that most of the reason why we placed our babies for adoption so they could have a mom AND a dad. And it looked like most of the guys left us. A lot of the boys piped up and said, "I would never do that."
Trust me, Nic said that to me, when I asked him what would happen if I got pregnant. He said to me, "I would never leave you. I think I'm ready to be a father right now."
All that I'm trying to say out of this. I'm not saying I'm ready to find my "soul mate" or get married right away. I'm saying I'm done with all the fake guys in my life that pretend that care about me. I'm ready to find a guy who has the same standards as me and want to date me. Not because they think I'm "easy" or have "experience."
Maybe I'm just not ready to date at all. And I'm totally okay with that.
I'm okay waiting for TWO years because I got a hot missionary that I'm writing. SUCKAS. (I met him at EFY when I was 17. We went out on a few dates while I was pregnant. He went into the MTC the day that Olivia was born.)
Sorry this is SO long.