I forgot one more thing about Labor and Delivery. Sorry. :P
My little sister K got me a gift it was a little wooden angel and on the front of the box it says, "Always in my mind, Forever in my heart." I really like the saying and it's sitting on my nightstand by my bed :) I see it every night and I think about the night Olivia was born and when K gave it to me. It's a really great gift and I cherish it.
September 24, 2009
Well, that night my mom stayed with me and I wanted to sleep with Olivia and my mom was worried that the nurses would freak out with me sleeping with her. So she said that she would just take Olivia when I fell asleep. I did fall asleep but I woke up to my mom holding her in the rocking chair which I thought was adorable. I think it was around 3 that time when I woke up and I couldn't fall back asleep. I almost just wanted to stay awake to watch Olivia and be around her all the time. My mom thought it would be a good time to feed her and so we fed her and then I had to call one of the nurses to help me go to the bathroom. For some reason they need to help you go to the bathroom the first time, I guess they don't want you like falling or passing out. I still had my IV in and they said they would take it out when I went. So the nurse took it out and she tried to clot it but it didn't clot very well because when I tried to sit myself up on the bed after she bandaged me my hand exploded with blood. It was the weirdest feeling because I noticed my hospital gown was wet and I looked down and there was blood everywhere. I'm like... uhhhh... and looked at my hand and it was drenched in blood. So the nurse helped me clean up and then I had to get a new hospital gown. What a great time.
Olivia at the time, was sleeping in her bassinet and so after the nurse left I tried to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. Or I would and I would hear Olivia's little sighs and noises and would wake up immediately and check to see if she was okay. So I finally just had her go to sleep with me and when the nurse came back she didn't really seem to mind. None of them did really. We got up at 6 to feed and change her and then I couldn't fall back asleep and just stayed up talking to my mom and took a shower and then I think around 9 I fell back asleep holding Olivia and just took an hour nap. I felt bad because my mom didn't get much sleep either and so she was just waiting for N to get there. I texted him around 10:30 and told him that Olivia misses her daddy. So he said he'd be there soon and that he's just helping around the house. He was dropped off at the hospital by his parents but they couldn't stop in and see Olivia.
It was N and I together for a few hours with her. And we just kind of talked. He was telling me that his mom was pretty upset the night before because she wouldn't be Olivia's grandma. I remember that N was holding her and I was playing with her hair and I made the comment, "I love her hair." And it wasn't exactly that reality hit me that I wasn't going to be her mom. It was always in my mind. But I was hurting over it. I wanted to be her mom and I wanted to grow up with her and be able to wash her hair and braid it and play dress up with her. I then was freaking out because I remember girls from group telling their story about how much they were at peace with their decision with adoption. At the time, I was freaking out. I started bawling. I didn't understand the feelings I was having. It was almost second thoughts but at the time, I still knew adoption was what's best. I just almost didn't feel like I was at peace with my decision with adoption. I didn't think it was normal. All I could do was cry and think what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be her mom? Why couldn't I be able to raise her? But I would think it over and remember why I was doing it and why I couldn't be her mom. It hurts more than anything to think about not being her parent. Nic kept asking me what was wrong or what I was thinking about. I couldn't calm myself down enough to even answer him.
I choked out the words, "Her hair."
I couldn't say anything else more. He probably thought it was the weirdest answer but that's all I got. D texted me and said, "Hey new mommy! We hope you're having a great morning with Olivia. We just wanted to see if we could stop by and let B meet Olivia. We don't want to intrude." D and V came over to have B meet Olivia for the first time. My mom and I had her dressed up in this warm fleece outfit that my sister Katrina purchased for her the night before because we didn't really have any clothes for her. I didn't think about packing any. But the hospital gives you little onesies. Olivia did scratch her face though that morning, I didn't realize it that her nails were SO long and able to do that. We covered her hands with socks so she didn't scratch her pretty face. :)
When they got there Olivia was kind of getting upset. She was bundled up in that fleece outfit and two blankets. So we switched her out of that into a onesie that said, "I'm the little sister." And she seemed pretty content not being bundled up, she was probably just feeling really hot from being warmed up. After D and V came, my little sister K walked over from the high school to see Olivia. And my friend Natasha who has been there since I found out I was pregnant and introduced me to my current singles ward that I'm attending, she's been a really great friend and she was able to stop by and meet Olivia.
Around 3:30, our caseworker Loni, showed up to talk to us. I was already on edge with my emotions and knew she needed to talk to us about placement and the adoption. And I didn't even want to look at her or talk to her. I kind of was just feeling numb towards her presence because I didn't want to think about the adoption. I wanted time to enjoy my little Olivia as I'm being her mom for that time. Loni had everyone leave the room and she asked how we were doing. I avoided the question and said, "Good."
N then said, "I'm sorry but I'm not going to cover up for you. She had a breakdown this morning." Then the tears started coming again and Loni asked me what I was thinking about. And I just said, "She's here now and I don't want to let her go." Atleast that was to the extent of what I said. Loni then asked N how he was doing and he said that he was doing okay but it's hard for him. He told her that it didn't really hit him that he was going to be a dad until Monday night when he was feeling Olivia move and when I told him that she was playing hide and seek with her dad. He kind of got emotional and I had never seen N really get to the point where he was on the verge of tears when he and I were dating. Or ever after that.
Loni then said it was going to be hard but we'll make it through. She then left to give us sometime and talk to everyone who was waiting to come back in. I was overwhelmed with the amount of people who were there visiting at the same time. I almost just wanted everyone to leave. I looked at Olivia and just cried. She was everything I dreamed about. She was my angel. My little sweetheart. N turned to me and said, "You know, this isn't goodbye, it's just a see ya later." I said, "I know. But it still hurts."
I told Loni when she was there, before everyone came back in that it didn't bother me when D and V came by to see her because it felt good to see them together as a family. Because that's why I chose them to be a family. But it hurt more after when I was alone because I couldn't have that. I was feeling a lot better afterwards getting my feelings out but I never mentioned having the feelings of regret almost in my decision because I don't want to admit that I felt that way but I almost did. It's hard to explain because you while I was pregnant I was definitely thinking, "Olivia is going to have the best life and amazing parents." It was as if I could see it, but once she was in my arms. I couldn't see that. I could only see her. It scared me because I wanted those feelings back, I wanted to be okay with my decision. But once I saw her, I just could only think about her right then, not with her other family or how'd she be years from now. Just her, me, and N. I just had to think it through, I had to write a paper about why I was placing and I would just think back what I had written and what was best for her. Even though it hurt me, and it wasn't the best for me, this whole experience wasn't about me. It's about her.
After I had calmed myself and able to think about other things, everyone came back in And around 4:30 some girls from group visited me and Olivia. There is a post placement group on Thursdays and so the girls that came to visit were from that group. It was really good because I was feeling at peace knowing that those girls had gone through it and experienced the same pain that I was feeling.
D and V left while they were visiting. Then the girls left. And then my mom and little sister left. Around 7, K (V's sister) and Bradshaw came to visit while D and V were at a sibling's choir concert. Also, Andee came to visit me and held Olivia. She was one of the first people to tell me that Olivia looks like an Olivia and that made me happy. Haha. While she was there one of N's friends was there to see Olivia. He was pretty excited about it because, that friend was the only one that saw him and Olivia while we were in the hospital. No one in his family came to see him or her. My sister RuthAnn was there as well. K and Andee left. I hope RuthAnn doesn't mind that I post this that she felt a little bit jealous of K while she was holding Olivia because she's like, "Oh. She gets to be her Aunt." N's friend left and then RuthAnn went and got us some food. RuthAnn went to Cafe Rio and I wanted Arby's. N paid for my food every time someone went out to get us something. Which was nice of him. RuthAnn came back and we just sat around and talked and what stayed in my mind is what RuthAnn said, well, it was more of a lyric that I posted on my facebook status the night I did placement. It's a song by The Fray and the line is, "The hardest thing and the right thing are the same." We sat around and listened to music for about an hour. And RuthAnn was holding Olivia and such. Around 9:15, I got really excited. I said, "Olivia will be a day old soon! We need to celebrate!" Well, to celebrate we watched the accidental video that RuthAnn took of Olivia's birth to kind of just remember the whole night and her BIRTHday. baha. Then RuthAnn took pictures of me and N together at exactly 9:36. :) After that we played a celebratory game of Kingsburg.
Olivia was on mommy's team and we conquered.
Her first game of Kingsburg and she was on the winning team, what a lucky girl. :)
N stayed that night with me at the hospital. He said he wanted to help out and stuff and let me get some rest. We were trying to get the DVD player to work because I still had 17 Again with me in my purse but it wasn't working at all. We ended up watching something on the history channel about weird secrets about the capitol. Yeah, I know. What an awesome night. I had him lay next to me in the hospital bed while he was holding her so I could look at her. The nurses told me that they were going to be taking her at about 2 to the nursery and to run some tests that would only take a half hour. It was about midnight already and N and I just sat up and watched the show and he kept telling me to go to sleep. But I couldn't Olivia was wide awake. I couldn't sleep while she was awake. Olivia was getting kind of fussy and we didn't really know why. My little sister K bought her a little baby bracelet and it had gone up into her armpit and I guess it kind of dug into her skin. She was just too little to have jewelry. I remember when we first got it and N was like, "Her first piece of jewelry!" I said, "Yep. She'll get more of that." I then started thinking about me and N and everything that we had just gone through and I was sort of having feelings. Or thinking about me and N getting back together. I knew it wouldn't happen but I had a secret hope that maybe he had those same feelings too. Yeah, I'm stupid. I'm a girl. What can I say? I mean, come on, I didn't date this guy for almost a year and be pregnant with his baby for almost a year and not have any feelings for him still? Or atleast still care about him?
So I said to him, "I'm going to be really awkward but, what if we got back together?" And he said, "I think if we got back together it'd be almost a mistake giving Olivia to D and V." I said to him, "No. It wouldn't be like that. It just means we're not prepared to be parents and they are." He stopped talking and I kind of got the hint that he didn't want to talk about it anymore and changed the subject. So. I went to sleep. Ha. Or atleast tried. He went and sat over in the rocking chair and I woke up around 1:30 and noticed he was asleep in the rocking chair holding Olivia. I asked him if he wanted me to stay up with her because I couldn't fall back asleep. He asked me if I was sure and I told him it was fine and I would wake him up when the nurses came back with her. He brought her over and I stayed up until the nurses came to take her for the test. He was asleep the whole time and I kind of just layed in bed and rested my eyes. I was waiting for them to bring her back at 2:30 and they didn't. At 2:45, I was getting pretty anxious. But I waited patiently. Even though I was thinking, I have a limited time with her and to sleep next to her, bring her back... come on. They brought her back around 3. N woke up to them bringing her back in and I told him that I was just going to feed and change her and go back to sleep and he asked me if I wanted him to do it so I could sleep and I told him he was a lot more tired than I was and that I would. So he fell back asleep.
I went back to sleep, we had to keep track of how much she ate at the hospital and keep track of her diaper changes. The nurse came back in around 6 and asked me when was the last time she had been changed and feed and I just pointed to the whiteboard. I was completely out of it when the nurse came in. She asked me if I was okay and I just told her I was tired. I don't even think I woke up to her coming in to check on me.
September 25, 2009
N's parents called him around 7 to see where he was. He told them he was still at the hospital with me. I think they were talking about coming to visit and gave them the code to my room and stuff. We waited for about an hour and they didn't show up. They called back saying they weren't going to be able to make it. N got off the phone and I could tell he was sort of frustrated and I asked him if it bothered him that his parents weren't coming and he said kind of. He just felt like they didn't want to see her or support him. I felt really bad for him. He didn't really have a ride home either because they had his car.
My mom came around 9:30 and N's parents had dropped him off a car, but they couldn't stop in to see Olivia? I don't know. N needed to go home to shower and to nap for a little bit. He said he didn't get much sleep because he would wake up in the night and make sure Olivia and I were okay. Loni told me that day before that we would probably stay another night at the hospital and do placement at 9 in the morning on Saturday. So I had in my mind that I had the whole rest of the day with her and I was pretty happy. Loni called me around 10 and told me that they wouldn't let me stay another night and that placement was either going to have to happen that night or she was going to have to go home with me and placement would happen in the morning. I kind of freaked myself out at that point. I honestly thought I didn't have that much time with her at all. That those two days just flew by and it wasn't fair. I didn't want to take her home because it would just be ten times harder on me to do placement because I would just think about coming home and laying in bed and not having her next to me. I still have those feelings even though she didn't come home with me.
D and V texted me a little bit after I found out and they said, "Hey are you up for a quick visit? It's totally okay if you're not." I felt bad because I wanted them to stop by and I just said to them I'm about to jump in the shower and I'm not really feeling up to the visitors. I found out placement is tonight." They texted back and they said they were sorry and they hoped I was able to have that extra night with her and they understood why I wouldn't want visitors. I let other people know that I just wanted family for visitors. My mom was with me and I texted N and let him know. And so we planned on doing placement around 8 that night. My mom watched Olivia while I took a shower and got ready. I decided I wanted to do a little photoshoot with Olivia. I wanted really nice pictures with us together and my mom needed to pick up my little sister from school around 2:30 and she was going to go pick up a dress so Olivia had something cute to wear. RuthAnn was going to come around 3 or 3:30 to do the pictures and I let N know. My mom made me some herbal tea to help so my milk didn't come in.
I texted D and V asked them if I could use their camera to take pictures of her since their camera was so nice. So they came by around 2:45 after my mom had left and V's mom came to visit as well. When she walked in the door she cried and said she was so beautiful. At the time, I was feeling really at peace and content with everything. V's mom held her and they dropped off the camera and they were going to pick it up at placement. It was so nice for them to do that. Well, I was by myself for about an hour or so Olivia started getting really fussy. I had just fed her an hour before my mom left and she was freaking out and I was trying to take pictures of her and I couldn't because she was crying. So I didn't think she was hungry but she was. And then when N and RuthAnn got there I had just fed her a little bit before that and so I fed her three times within two hours and it was just so frustrating. It kind of freaked me out. I was stressing because N told me that he was going to be there around 2:30. Then, he didn't show up until about 3:30 and RuthAnn showed up a little bit before N got there.
The caseworker at the hospital asked me if I wanted some molds of Olivia's hands and feet and he had a friend that he's been working with for years and he does this with birthmothers who are placing out of state and so she was going to come by around 4 or 4:30. When RuthAnn and N showed up though, Olivia was as content as could be and I didn't want to be in any pictures at that moment because I wanted to break down because nothing was going my way. And then I ended up taking most of the pictures. I don't want RuthAnn to be mad at me or a hater. I was thinking she would be excited to take these pictures for me and she took a few and didn't really do anything. I ended up having to take over the camera and taking pictures. I mean, my day wasn't turning out right at all. I found out that morning I was placing, Olivia was upset, and then she decided to cooperate while everyone was there, I couldn't do anything. Then on top of that my mom was supposed to be there with a dress for Olivia but she couldn't find any. The lady came and did the molds and after she left I just broke down. I couldn't handle being so stressed and being so frustrated with everyone and everything.
After crying for about 20 minutes I had RuthAnn and my mom leave and told them to give me and N a few minutes. Then after they left I just was crying and I had N hold Olivia while I went and got tissues. I came back and he was crying. Yeah. Crying. I just let him cry. I texted my mom and told her to give us about an hour. And that was at 5:30. We were going to place our daughter into the arms in another family in less than 3 hours. It was kind of a big stress. I was crying right along with him and put my arm around him and just rubbed his back while he cried and played with her beautiful hair. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. And I went to grab more tissues (we were actually using toilet paper. haha.) and I just said SCREW IT and grabbed a whole roll of toilet paper and brought it out. He then started telling me that he was scared. He was scared that she was going to have asthma (N has asthma) and no one was going to understand her but him and she can't really come to him. And that he couldn't be there for her for anything like when she fell of her bike and scraped her knee. That he couldn't watch her grow up right beside him. I told him, that she was always going to know who he is. She'll come to him BECAUSE she knows that he's the one that understands her if she has asthma. She'll always know that he was her father, the guy who she shared the same ears, toes, eyes, and smile with, and that he loved her very much and was doing this because he loved her. And he basically said to me, that he could not go through what I did to bring her here and that it was amazing that she was actually there and he didn't want to let her go either. But it's the right thing to do. I told him I know but it's the hardest thing because I wish it was different. But I know it's right and that she's here for D and V.
She got a little bit fussy and she needed her diaper changed. I went out into the hall because we ran out of wipes. RuthAnn came up to me and gave me a hug and said she was going to leave and that tonight was going to suck. haha. I told her I know.
The nurse brought me wipes and more diapers and my mom and RuthAnn came back in the room. After she was all cleaned up, N decided he was hungry and was going to go down to the cafeteria. RuthAnn left with him and he called me a few minutes later and told me that it was closed and he was going to the dubs to get food and if I wanted anything. I told him a kids grilled cheese and fries :) ha. My mom sat and waited with me and I told her all that was said and what was going on. And she wanted pictures with Olivia. We changed her into this cute pink outfit that my mom got her instead of the dress that day. N came back and we were eating. My dad came in and stuff. I wanted to ask for a fathers blessing but I just didn't get around to it in time. I had to get checked by the nurse. I had to call D and V to get there so they could watch a video about adoption. And then I had to do some check off things before placement with the nurse. So the nurse came and checked me (she had to push on my stomach and check my bleeding to make sure I wasn't hemorraging and my vitals) she then had to go over kind of some things about the baby and about post partum. I also didn't know that they had the birth certificate papers in a folder and so I had to fill that out.
I was filling out her birth certificate and I asked N what he thought I should put on there. And he was like, "Well... her name is Olivia right?" I said, "Yeah. But I meant her middle name." And he asked, "Isn't it going to be Kate?" I told him, "That's what D and V are naming her." I told him on the way home from D and V's cabin on Monday I was going to name her Olivia N. And he asked me why the middle name N. I told him after him. I could tell that made him pretty happy and he said, "Put whatever you want." So on the birth certificate I filled out for her is, Olivia N. When the nurse was going over the list of post partum with me, she told me about not having intercourse or using things before my 6 week post partum appointment. I told her I wasn't planning on it. And I told her about the dream I had the night before that I was pregnant AGAIN. Right after having Olivia and I was yelling, "That's not even possible! I haven't had sex yet!" She laughed at me and told me that she had a friend that went back to her 6 week appointment and found out she was pregnant. It freaked me out after she told me that, I don't know why. I don't plan on having sex until after I'm married. But it still freaked me out.
I remember after that looking at the clock and it was 7:30 and I started tearing up and crying a little bit because I had to place soon. And the nurse just looked at me and asked me if I was okay. And I told her I was fine. And she was on the verge of tears and said, "I look up to you. There was no way this was an easy decision for you." And she asked me if I wanted her bow and I said I was alright. And N said, "I'll take it!" I laughed and he asked, "You don't want it? To scrapbook or something?" I smiled and he said, "I knew you would want it." The nurse asked me if I wanted a lock of her hair and I cried. I told her yeah. And so she had to take her to the nursery to give her a bath and I think I sat with N and my parents while they did that. They brought her back and gave me and N a little bow and a lock of her hair and gave her new socks for her hands and gave me and N the ones that she had worn the past two days at the hospital. She was one of the nicest nurses and I loved that she offered that. It was very sweet of her.
My next blog post will be a slideshow of pictures from those two days. Then placement.
It's too late to post the pictures and get that all put together. Sorry :(