You Make My Life Worthwhile

I've been trying to think of somethings to make a new post about. I have nothing going on in my life really. I wish I did. But I don't. I have a phone interview tomorrow with 1-800-Contacts. EEK. And that's all I got going on. I love to read through everyone's posts on my dashboard without trying to copy it but I LOVE Andee's new post. It's about what not to say to a birth mom/adoptive moms.
I decided to make a post of people who have made an impact on my life. Pre-pregnancy, Pregnancy, and post. I know I probably won't be able to get to everyone but if I don't I'll probably just post a picture with a photo and a name and a link to their blog. :)

Ali

Ali has been my best friend since the 6th grade. She moved to St. George in junior high but we have been in contact ever since. I would visit her every summer or spring break to see her. And she would visit me when she had her family reunions up in Lehi. Ever since I've met her I just wanted to be around her. She has those kinds of personalities. She befriends everyone that she meets, which made me want to be that type of person. Right now with our busy lives we talk here and there but to me she'll always be my best friend. My one of a kind. I love you Alikins. I hope to see you again soon :]

Lauren

Lauren and I have been best friends since the 6th grade as well. I met her at my neighbor's birthday party. I don't even know how we started hanging out but we would at the creek, sometimes we would find fairies and take pictures and meet creepy men who pulled their pants down in front of us. 7th grade and 8th grade we had the time of our lives with the core four (Me, Lauren, Anne-Marie, and Lisa). At the end of 8th grade we made short films and stuff like that and I think I ended up losing the tape. Ultra lame. But you get the picture? Lauren has always been there for me and I hope I have been there for her as well. We have too many memories to count and hope to continue to make more with her as we grow older. Lauren is my other/better half. Since our lives have gotten busier with school and work there are months at a time we don't see each other unless I make a hair appointment with her. But it's all worth it. I love my LarLar and I miss her tons.

Sammy

Sammy is my "little sister" that lives in California. It's a long story how she's my little sister but I've known her since she was about 11 years old. And a "friend" of ours died and I befriended her because she was so young and needed someone to be there for her. I have tried to look out for her, take care of her as much as I could for my "friend" who is no longer here or ever was here. She comes out from California to visit her old friends from Riverton and I go pick her up and she stays at my house for weeks. And I love it when she's here. With one little incident she and I are the bestest and closest friends/sisters ever. I love her with all of my heart and if anyone breaks her heart they'll know I'll break their neck. I love you my little Sammy Sue. I'll come see you soon I promise!

Anne-Marie

I met Anne-Marie in the 7th grade. She was in my drama class and I thought she was the weirdest thing on the planet. The next year she ended up being in a play with me and Lauren and we all connected. Nothing could keep us apart. Anne-Marie was our little addition to me, Lauren, and Lisa. Anne-Marie brought the spunk and the life to our little group. The next year the junior high split and Anne-Marie came back to our school the 2nd semester. It just wasn't the same after the 8th grade. We grew apart eventually. Or more like Lauren and I judged her for changing and we didn't like it. But in high school we apologized for being rude and we're now friends again. Those two years were wasted for our stupidity and wish I could take them back. Anne-Marie I love you dear.

Maloree Rose Hunt

I don't remember a time when I didn't know Maloree when I moved to Utah. I think when we first moved in I knew who she was. I found out when she was diagnosed with cancer. I believe it was at church on Sunday and her dad got up and told us she was diagnosed with Luekemia. I was surprised because she was only 10 years old at the time. Two years older than I was. I remember one night playing night games and I went over to her house, Ali and I jumped on the trampoline and I remember that she couldn't because she was so weak. I felt so sorry for her. Ali and I would come visit. And I remember I was also jealous of her because she got to meet Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen from the Make-A-Wish foundation. I didn't realize what it meant to have cancer until I got older. Her family ended up moving to St. George. When she was there she had gone into remission. Her cancer was gone, so we thought. I believe a year later it came back, harder than ever. I know the last couple of weeks of her life she wasn't able to do much. My friends ended up going on a road trip to see her, I wish I could've gone with them. She gave them every single stuffed animal she got to remember her by. The night before she passed away she asked her mom to show her the dress she would wear when people saw her body. Her mom showed her and she cried because it was beautiful. She passed away the next afternoon. When I found out that she died I was too in shock to cry. I went to sleep and had a dream I was at her house in St. George and she was there. She gave me a stuffed animal. It was like she was in my mind letting me know that she knew I was thinking about her. To me she is a hero, enduring all the trails and tribulations. Her family is strong as well being able to be there for her and take care of her. I hope someday I'll see her again. I love you, Maloree. Everyone misses you here. Be our guardian angel.

Kiefer Sandavol

I knew Kiefer in junior high. When I was in 9th grade, he was in the grade below me. He played one of the best parts in the play The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. He was incredible. The way you watched him do the things that he loves just made you swell with happiness. Kiefer was the most kind person on this planet. He has touched and made a difference in everyone's lives. This past year Kiefer died in a car accident on the way to school. I was in shock then as well. I didn't believe he died. I saw him a couple of days before and shared a cookie with him. In junior high we were close, since we were a year apart we didn't really talk much. But I wish we did. Sometimes I would believe I would see him in the halls and he would turn around and give me this big smile. Like he would when he saw everyone. Without knowing it Kiefer touched our hearts. Everyone at Lehi. We won't ever forget. In the first assembly we had a moment of silence for him. It was the most incredible thing I ever experienced. I was brought to tears. I could see him standing there in the middle of the gym looking at everyone and see how much he difference he has made. He will always be the pirate. The best actor on stage. We love you Kiefer, our angel.

Kristy

I became friends with Kristy in high school I believe. Well, I dated this guy Mitchell in like the 9th grade then she ended up dating him after me! She just envies me and copies all the men that I date! ha. I don't even remember how we became friends because I think we started talking when she lived in Pennsylvania. Then she came to visit and she and I wrote love notes to each other in my health class and I think sometimes when I clean my room I come across them. Then she moved back to Utah and we hung out and crap like that. Sammy is her daughter and Sammy is my little sister.... that would make Kristy my mom too. WEIRD. Ha. She gives me discounts at Hollywood Video. Also, we watch gay movies like When A Stranger Calls Again, "Where are you?" "In the bushes." "Why?..." She moved to Idaho for college but she's coming back after the semester is over and we'll play ALL the time!!! I miss this girl. I just saw her over Thanksgiving break and it was FANTASTIC! She makes me happy and so do her fat cats. :] I love you girly! Lets be friends FOREVER.

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Justin

I met Justin via the internet about 4 years ago. Probably the longest relationship I've had with anyone not my family. I think I had the biggest crush on him when I was like 15. But who cares? Ha. He liked my best friend. Cool. That always seems to happen to me. But anyway, Justin is wayyyyy too cool for me now to come visit me even though he said he would. But he's in love with a girl in Oregon or something. :] Ha. He likes to leave me mean comments. But it's cool. We're friends. I remember that we used to write LONG e-mails to each other. It was pretty much the cool. About everyday we would talk about the dumbest things. Like he made up pick-up lines once with his friends. Weird. Anyway. I don't think I've had a friend like this who has ever gotten me. I think he and I are just way too stubborn for our own good and I don't know, it's probably just me but I think we're a lot alike and I don't know what to make of it.But Justin has probably been there the most for me growing up talking to me on the internet, because that's where I spent most of my life. He's a good guy. :) We stillwrite long e-mails. I stopped the chain of writing back just barely, I need to write him. I'll get on that. But I love you, Justin. 5 o's baby.

Joy

Oh boy, oh boy. I get to talk about my best friend JOY! Ha. That was the lamest rhyme ever. But anyway. I met Joy through Brooke and Devin. I think that night we ended up going to a party and I guess we ended up being friends because people kept asking if we were sisters. We STILL get asked that. There was a time when there was some drama because of some boy. But oh well, that's the past. Let's get over it. I still feel bad. But we're way close. We go shopping for prom dresses, go to movies for FREE, stay up really late and talk about our lovely lives with boys :] ha. I honestly do NOT know what I would do without her. I think I've been waiting all my life for a best friend like her. There's no drama (much) and it's just so chill now. I love her boyfriend from Texas. James, you better treat her well or else. I told her that her and James are practically soul mates and are meant for each other. So keep it that way! Because I want all the cute boys to myself! Just kidding. Let's seeee. I don't know what else there is to say about Joy but she's the greatest and a fantastic photographer! Joy is not afraid to share her opinion with me. And she also isn't afraid to be in a room full of pregnant ladies talking about religion! HA. Joy is one of my best friends and I love her to death! I miss her :( She moved out to Texas and lives with her boyfriend. She needs to come back and visit SOON.

Jessica

Me and Jessica met when I was about 16 years old at the hospital. That's a long story that I won't get into :) I guess we weren't supposed to get each other's information but we did and I found her on Myspace (I never use Myspace anymore). We ended up hanging out a few times. She and I saw each other again at West Ridge Academy a week before Christmas. We both got sent away on the same day to a wilderness program. She went to Aspiro and I went to Anasazi. We both ended up at West Ridge Academy. It was pretty much the most bomb time ever. I don't think we were roommates until the end of our program when we moved to Twig. That was the best time. We talked in Arabian accents for like a month. We played many board games together. We got to meet David Archuleta. Our room was named after him. She brought contraband to West Ridge, aka makeup. It

wasn't allowed at the time and we weren't supposed to wear a lot anyway. I loved being in Twig home with her and other staff members. The time of my life for sure. We still hang out even after West Ridge. The last time we hung out we watched The Stepfather. The midnight showing. It was not worth our time and the previews for that movie lied to us. All the clips that were in the preview weren't even in the movie. It hurts. Jessica also owes me some broccoli. Kthanks.

Andee

Well, I met Andee via her blog. My older sister Katrina sent it to me while I was pregnant and told me to look at it. I knew at that time I was placing with Dustinn and Val. I read her adoption story and it brought me to tears. I looked up to her because she was so strong and I didn't know how she could've done it. And it was just so weird how much we were alike in our stories at the time. Her adoptive dad's name is Dustin and mine's name is Dustinn. She was having a girl, I was having a girl. Andee and I decided to meet up one time and we ate out at Arby's and talked about adoption. That's mostly all we ever talk about. Haha. Then we met up at the FSA conference this past August. Then I don't think we hung out again until I went swimming at her pool when Olivia was breech and I was trying different things to turn her. Andee came to visit me at the hospital when Olivia was born, she made that video for me as a gift, and came to my baby shower and we've gone to the mall and such and watched 500 days of Summer together. She's an awesome girl and I love hanging out with her and being able to talk to her about adoption probably in ways that I don't think I could talk to anyone else about it. Her openness about it made me want to be open about adoption as well. I look up to her in so many different ways. Thanks for being my friend and being there for me :)

Alyssa

I met Alyssa at LDS Family Services. Our due dates were a week apart. I was due the 24th of September, I think she was due the beginning of October. We met the night before my ultrasound and I was telling everyone that I was placing and how excited I was to tell my couple. She was finding out that week too and I don't think she knew what she was doing at that time. We both found out we were having little girls :) She found a couple that are PERFECT for her. Alyssa and her adoptive mom look like they could be sisters. Alyssa's water broke September 3, her baby was a month early. I was SO jealous when I found out. Everyone who was due after me was having their babies before me. Alyssa's little girl was in the NICU for about 4 days? I think. But now she's healthy and happy as can be. When me and Alyssa were pregnant we would go to Sonic together. We both craved their ice. I'm even craving it right now! When we hang out though we end up talking for hours in my car about things that are going on our life and end up crying. We talk about our fears now and all the things that are going to happen. Alyssa is an amazing girl! She and I are spirit sisters. We think we were supposed to be sisters just in different families. I love her lots! :)

My Family

My parents- I am so grateful and thankful for my parents. I know I was a pain in the butt teenager and probably the most difficult out of all my sisters. But after going through this, I know that they're great parents and I hope someday to be like them. I look back at all the things that they did for me, it may not have made me happy or kind of not like them for it but they did it because they love me. I know this because that's what I'm doing for my daughter, I did everything for her because I love her. I'm happy my parents didn't kick me out after they found out I was pregnant or they didn't make me choose what I needed to do. They said that they would support me in whatever I chose. And that's what I needed, to find out for myself what I needed to do. I'm grateful that they're helping me out right now getting my life back on track and the things I need to do to be happy. :) I love them, even though I don't like to show it sometimes. I do.

Rachel (29)- She's my oldest sister. She'll be 29 this month. She got married when I was about 10 years old. We are 10 years apart in age. Most of my older sisters were my babysitters to me since they watched me whenever my parents went out. Rachel and I don't see eye to eye much but I do love her. Even though we had some miscommunication and difficulty during my pregnancy. I do love her and hope she forgives me for being a crazy little sister.

Erika (27)- My second oldest sister. She has the cutest kids that I have ever seen. :) (All of my sisters who have kids are SO cute) Let's see. Erika has helped me a lot during this time in my life. She and I would talk about pregnancy and stuff. She was pregnant at the time with her little boy. I wanted a boy, but I'm glad that I have a little girl :) Erika is the one who suggested Dustinn and Val to me. I'm so glad for her husband who is best friends with Dustinn if it weren't for him, I don't think I would've found Olivia's parents. Erika was the first person I told when I was placing for adoption. She is awesome and I get to visit her in like a week! I'm stoked!

Katrina (25)- My third oldest sister. She and I both went to dental assisting school (not at the same time). And I didn't copy her. I didn't really know what I was going to go into and I thought about what all my other sisters do and I thought dental assisting would be cool. I liked going to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned anyway. Me and Katrina hang out and drink unlimited amounts of Diet drinks. We also enjoy going shopping together. We need to hang out again sometime soon :) I always love hanging out with Katrina and just talking and she'll listen to me and stuff and she doesn't judge me for things that I've done. It's nice. I enjoy it.

RuthAnn (23)- My fourth oldest sister. She's the one that I'm probably closest to. She and Katrina pretty much hated me though all during high school because I would borrow their clothes without asking. So during those times we weren't that close. After RuthAnn moved out and I was in high school we became closer. We were the closest when she got home from her mission. She and I talk about our lives and boys and things. She stayed up with me one night and we talked about adoption. I was about 3 months pregnant and I told her I didn't really know what I was doing. She was the one who said to me, "Physically, you're providing a body but spiritually it's for someone else." I look up to her because if I didn't go on a different path in my life and become the troubled teenager, that's the life I'd be living. I vicariously live my life through her and think I'm holier than thou. :) Baha. We do borrow each other's stuff but we ask, mostof the time, so no hate now. We like to be clever and find funny videos on youtube that become the next big thing because of us. :)

Kimberly (17)- My youngest sister. Kimberly and I probably didn't get along 89% of the time growing up. But the 11% of the time that we did get a long is a pretty good time. Even though she doesn't like to admit it, she loves me. I care about Kimberly and everything that she's going through. I remember in high school and the crowd that I hung out with and hope that she doesn't get into that. I probably am just in mommy mode right now and try to tell her not to do things but I mostly do it out of love. I hope she understands that.

Nic (I wrote this pre/beginning of my pregnancy)

I met Nic when I worked at JCW's in American Fork, he worked at the one in Lehi. And I basically rock so my managers would send me to the Lehi store to work at when they were short handed. I worked with Nic a couple of times and I was dating Joel at the time. But I did think Nic was super attractive and he would give me random shoulder massages which were AMAZING after a long day at work! Well, one night he came to visit me at school and we had a great time then hung out later that night and just talked about everything. And I felt so comfortable around him, and I hadn't been happy or felt like myself in a long time until I got to know him. And after that night I wanted to see him more and be like myself more often. He made me feel good and he treated me like a princess. After I had broken up with Joel, Nic and I started dating and seeing each other. He has made me the happiest person so far. We've been dating for almost two months, which is freaking crazy! We've had our share of drama which put us on edge for a while but everything is back to normal. He is an AMAZING kisser and I love it when he sneaks me in his window at night just so I can sleep with him. Or when we watch movies on his projector and we just cuddle the whole entire time. And when he buys me Diet Pepsi and Cake Batter ice cream on days that I don't feel good. :] He makes me laugh all the time. He has the most perfect smile. He is just perfect, his body, height, handsomeness, soft hair, crazy blue eyes, I just can't get enough of him! He has helped me through a lot that has been going on in my life especially after a big fat heartache but I'm learning to get over it and fall in love again. He may think I'm crazy sometimes, actually, I know he thinks I'm crazy he tells me all the time. But he loves how spontaneous I am. And I love playing WOW with him and watching anime. We're just like little kids and get excited for Saturday morning cartoons. He's the greatest and I want him to know that. Nic and I have broken up and he has promised to be friends with me but we haven't really stayed in touch even though we need to. Because our love created something beautiful, a baby. OUR baby. OUR child. I hope someday Nic will realize that and want to be a part of his child's life in the near future. I will always love Nic and what we have shared. Right now Nic is trying to be the best father he can to our baby. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay that he's atleast trying then just giving up. He has a lot of my heart right now and he probably just doesn't understand it. That's why I invite him to doctors appointments and things because I don't want anyone else to be apart of our baby's life except me and him. I love you, Nic. And a lot of other people out there love you and support you too. Our baby loves you a lot more than you could imagine. :)

Right now, Nic and I are just basing our relationship on Olivia and the adoption. The past is in the past. There are days that I still think I'm in love with him and have this awesome bond with him. I've never connected with anyone that way before and so I think that way. I know, I'm moving on it's just going to take little steps at a time. I know that I said I wouldn't try to involve him after Olivia was born but I know Nic and I know that he isn't one to be self-motivated. He always needs that extra push. I try not to push him too far away but it does happen. I just hope that we can stay just friends.

Baby (This was written before I knew what I was doing)

This might be the hardest one for me to write. For something that isn't even alive yet. But so alive to me. I can't even begin to explain how amazing this experience has been for me. Maybe not the morning sickness, or not knowing if there will be a father. But knowing that something bigger than my life is growing inside of me. I couldn't have done it by myself. I have grown so attached to this baby that no one will ever understand until they have children of their own. No one will understand until they hold or see the face of their child. I don't need to know by looking at him or her that they're the greatest thing for me. I can just feel it. I believe everything has happened for a reason. I don't exactly know what reason that is yet. But I'm willing to find out. I know people are curious if I'm placing my baby for adoption or keeping it. But I'm keeping my options open. If my baby belongs to another family, he or she will always be my baby. If it's with me then I will be the happiest person alive. What I have grown from this experience is, don't take your life for granted. I don't know who's reading this or what is going on in your life but creating a child is the greatest reward. It may not have happened at the right time for me. But even if it were the right time or not I would know that I love this baby. And I know or atleast hope I'll be a good mother. And I hope there will be a father to stand close by to help watch and care for his baby as well. Just know baby, if you were reading this right now 15 or 50 years later. There is a lot of people out here in this world that love you more than anything and have given up a lot for you to let you be who you are today. There is a ton of support for you. Grandma&Grandpa Grawe and Farish. Aunts and Uncles. Your mom and dad. Your mom and dad love you and have dreamed of having you for a really long time. Just know you are loved more than you know.

Dustinn and Val

I'm so grateful and thankful to have met Dustinn and Val. I knew them since I was probably about 14. I might be wrong I don't know. They would come over to my house and play games with Erika and her husband. I remember I helped Erika edit their wedding video and stuff. I don't remember much but I think I did hang out around them and everything and I knew that they were funny and awesome people. When Erika told me that Val e-mailed her my heart went out to them. I read the e-mail from Val and I cried. I think right away I wanted to start e-mailing them but I didn't know what to say. I remember in the first e-mail I didn't want to give them false hope just in case if I did end up keeping Olivia. They understood and Val was so sweet and said things that I needed to hear from them. The day of my ultrasound I spent the whole day finding stuff to put in the package to tell them that I chose them. It was so exciting and I was excited for them. It has been so much fun getting to know them and letting me be apart of their family. I'm so grateful that Olivia has the two greatest parents who love her and will teach her so much. She's going to be one smart girl because of them :) I know Olivia already loves them. It was cute, Olivia was kind of fussy right before Dustinn came to pick her up on the Friday before they went back to Virginia and when Dustinn started holding her she stopped crying. She's definitely a daddy's little girl. And Val loves Olivia so much it's the cutest thing to listen to her talk to her. I love it when they send me pictures of her because I always need pictures of her and when they post new blogs of her and see pictures I haven't seen (they've been holding out on me. haha.) I can't wait to see them in December. More Kingsburg! :)

Olivia Kate

Like I said above. Your mom and dad love you and have been dreaming of having you their whole life. Dustinn and Val are the best parents out there and I know that or else they wouldn't be your parents right now. :) Nic and I did, what we believe, was best for you. I love you so much. It was definitely the hardest day for me. I had so many emotions going through me the day you were born and placed in my arms. Tears of joy/relief/shock so many things. I couldn't even believe you were here. I grew a bond with you and then it totally changed when you were born. You were an actual person in my arms. I waited for so long to have you there and you were finally there. But then those tears of joy turned to sorrow. It was the beginning of goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye, you just were barely born. I couldn't believe it. The beginning of your life and I was already saying goodbye. :( Placement was so hard but I knew what I was doing was best for you. I couldn't deny it. Even though I was hurting and falling apart on the inside, my love was still so strong for you. Strong enough to place you in the arms of your new mom. It was as if you were born again in her eyes because you were hers now. I was very happy to see you with them it was as if everything was complete. I'm happy that I'm still able to be apart of your life in some way, even if I'm not your mommy. I'll just be your birth mom, the one that spoils you all the time, haha. All those people who loved you before, love you so much more now and want to see you happy. :) I was able to watch you grow for the two weeks you were in Utah with me. I got to know you and what you loved. I will cherish the moments that I had with you in the hospital as your mom. And I will forever cherish the moments that I have with you now. You'll always have two mommy's and daddy's who love you for eternity.

These are few of the blogs that I've been following and just love to read and grateful to read their experiences and being able to talk to them :) I don't have time to post pictures. Sorry!

Amy Hutton (birth mom)- I love her open adoption story. I think it's incredible!

A Family Is Born (adoptive couple)- Julie and Chris's adoption journey.

Flitterbugs (adoptive couple)- Julie and her husband have started the adoption process of adopting a little girl from Ethopia.

Michelle (birth mom)- Michelle took my maternity pictures and my sister's went to high school with her. She placed her son a year ago on Olivia's birthday.

Nienie's Dialogues- Who doesn't read this?!

Our Happy Family - Jesse and Buffie adopted their little girl Baylee in 2006. Their adoption story brought me to tears.

Our Little Family (adoptive couple)- Rick and Liz are the sweetest people I know! I met them at the FSA conference. They're awesome :)

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal- Que and Brittany are adopting a baby boy this month :)

The R House- They just won custody of their son that they've been battling out for about a year with the birthfather. YAY!

Life In Mazes (adoptive couple)- A catholic woman's journey through infertility, miscarriage, and ectopic pregnancy who is ever trusting that God will use this maze to bring new life to their family.

I just wanted to say I love everyone. I am so grateful for your support. I don't think I could express that enough.

This is exciting. This is my 100th blog post :)