Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Life, It Ain't Easy

I went to the mall tonight with Andee. It was really fun. :) We went to Papaya and I'm SO happy with my purchases. Dustinn and Val gave me a 30 dollar gift certificate. And then I got a 40 dollar gift certificate from my Aunt's and Uncle's. I was VERY excited and so happy that they were to one of my favorite stores. And it's a pretty cheap store and their clothes are awesome. I recommend.
The last time Andee and I hung out. I was pregnant. The night before I went into labor. SO WEIRD. And we hung out the night before Olivia's 3 week birthday... it's not really her birthday. Celebration? Baha.

This is what I purchased.I bought the jacket... not the model. :) ha.





We went to JCW's after. We went there the last time we hung out too. Weird.

Let's see.

This is what's been going on in my life. So. I've definitely dealt with some tough things since Olivia was born. It's hard not to go back to what's comfortable to the friends you hung out with and things like that. I went over to a friend's house that not many very people would be happy with that I hung out. It was definitely a weird thing because I don't want to be apart of this friend's life but I was so used to being with this friend that it was hard not to go back to it. I didn't stay because I was thinking the whole time (this happened when Olivia was still in town it was the night of her two week celebration) even though Olivia has no idea what's going on and she's 2 weeks old and I probably wouldn't tell her when she was older. But who knows. What if she found out? I wouldn't want her to hate me for finding this out. I didn't do anything bad. But I was tempted to. I won't lie. I was with other people too. I wondered how they thought about me. They knew I placed for adoption I didn't want them to think I abandoned my baby to go back to my old lifestyle.
Olivia is a big motivation in my life. I want her to be proud of me and the person that I've become. She changed me. She makes me want to be a better person. I want to someday tell her I got married in the temple. I'm sealed to my husband like she's sealed to Dustinn and Val as a family. And that we're all sealed together to our families and that we're one big family. There is no way that I want to go back to the person I used to be. I wasn't happy. As much as I would like to think I was happy back then, I wasn't. I probably was in the moment but in the long run, it led me to unhappiness. Knowing that my daughter is going to be sealed to a family forever makes me happy and to know that I can have that happiness for myself, makes me even happier if I'm doing what's right. And she's my motivation to be that type of person. As much as I want to be an example to her, her life and what I've given her, is an example to me. And I couldn't be more blessed to be happy and to know that.
There are definitely times that I'm unhappy and wish she was apart of me and my life. But I knew that it wasn't supposed to be that way. I like to go through my dashboard of people who I'm following and read their blogs before I post anything. I went back through some of Dustinn and Val's blog and re-read the one when I first told them I chose them. It said it was posted 4 months ago. I'm thinking, "Really?! 4 months ago?" 4 months isn't a long time but it felt like that it was FOREVER since I told them that I chose them to be Olivia's parents. When I first found out I was going to place. It hurt. It was definitely a bittersweet moment. I knew that she was supposed to be with them. I was so close to God during this time it's like he gave me a glimpse through the veil that Dustinn and Val were her parents. I was just physically providing a body, and spiritually, she was for them. I feel like once there was an actual person in my arms it was hard to see to that, to feel that, and those bittersweet emotions came back. It hurt because I couldn't be her mom. But I knew this was what I was supposed to do.
I hate saying it was the "right thing" to do. I don't think there is a right or wrong in this situation. I think there is a good and better. But also, it's different for everyone.

When I went to the mall with Andee there was a girl that was pregnant who was ringing up our clothes and I asked her when she was due. She was due in December with a girl. I told her Congrats and that it was cool. I told her I had Olivia 3 weeks ago and that I placed for adoption. She was like, "Really?" I knew she wasn't that interested, it seemed that way to me. I kind of mentioned it to see if she would say that she was placing. But she didn't. So I asked her more questions. Because I loved when I was pregnant talking about my baby. Because she was mine for that time. So I asked her what she was naming her. She did ask me if the adoption was open and things like that. I definitely tried to put a positive attitude and I told her good luck with everything.

On the way back to my house, I talked to Andee and I hoped she didn't feel awkward that I talked to the girl about placing. Or if it was awkward to her. She said no. And what she said I didn't even realize. That girl might've never thought or considered adoption until I said it. Or maybe she did. Who knows.
We started talking about other things like how I wished that boys would just tell us if they didn't like us. I mean, Nic told me that we could "still be friends." When we broke up. Yeah, as if I didn't hear that before. I told her I wished that he could've just been like, "I don't have the same feelings for you as I did and I don't think we should date." It would've hurt to hear and I'd probably beat myself up and try to think of what I did to make him not have the same feelings for me anymore. And then I think I would've chosen adoption a lot sooner. But at the same time, I think everything was supposed to happen for a reason. Nic was supposed to tell me that. I was supposed to hope Nic and I were supposed to get back together the first 5 months of my pregnancy and hold on to that hope so I could find out that Dustinn and Val were planning on adopting. If I would've decided sooner on adoption, would I have found a different family before I found out that they were adopting? It all had to work out somehow. And I'm sure with other adoptive couples waiting for birth moms to choose them, it will all work out. It's in God's plan and in your plans.

I am employed again. Yipee! I'm just working at JCW's right now until I find another job and to have money in my pocket. I just made a resume and applied to 1-800-contacts. They're hiring for the month of November. Cross your fingers for me :) I'm hoping to be going to visit my sister Erika in Oregon the last week of October. That would be AMAZING. I haven't seen her or her family since March. We were both pregnant at the time. She had her little boy (I like to call him Optimus Prime) on August 12th. I think it'll be good for me too to be out there and spend time with them. It also might be good to hold a baby again :)
It's definitely a weird feeling now to know that Olivia isn't in Utah anymore and she's out in Virginia. It hasn't really hit me yet. Every now and then it does. This morning I woke up and looked at my bedside dresser and there was a picture of me holding Olivia for the first time after they cleaned her up. I broke down. I held my arms and pretended that she was there. I flashbacked to the moment I was in the hospital and holding her again. That's definitely the moment I'll treasure most. I was SO happy. Words can't even describe. I got out of that break down and remembered that there will be other times that I'll be able to hold her.

It's really hard to not call her my daughter right now. I don't know what to call her. I could say when people ask that she's my friend's baby. Because that's true. Andee and I went to the mall another time and we went to Build-A-Bear Workshop, she was trying to think of something to get for Avery, and we stopped there. One of the workers asked who it was for. Andee kind of looked at me and she's like, "I don't know how to say that." Andee just told her it was for the baby she placed a year ago. I told her I wouldn't know what to say either. She told me now it's just weird for her to say daughter because she doesn't feel like that anymore? I guess. And that saying it was for her baby she placed a year ago was a long thing to say. I was thinking, when you say your friend's baby, it might just be hard for me to say now because it's still so new to me, that I want the recognition too that she's my baby. She's mine and Val's. We're both her mom? I don't know if that's weird to Val for me to say that. That's just how I feel.

I was given this poem at the baby shower. That night from the baby shower I opened all the cards and notes I was given and I just cried. Because all the things that people wrote to me were SO sweet and I just wouldn't know what to say back. Maybe all I need right now is just words of comfort. I hope people aren't haters when I don't write back to things like that. I read them and I appreciate everything that anyone has ever said. Or reached out to me in some way either Facebook, E-mail, Text message, Card, Note, Letter, whatever it was. It meant that they took the time out of their day to tell me they were thinking about me. It's hard for me to come up with words or to express thanks. But I'm grateful for everyone who's been there to support me or to been there because those were the times I needed it most. Thank you.

So, this is the poem was given to me from someone in my family ward. I had never read it before but I broke down.

The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption
By: Brenda Romanchik

Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart
She became your Birthmother.
The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.
As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,
Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after
your birth.
Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.

One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.

They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend.
Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.
Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families,
One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:
your questions answered,
your boo boos bandaged,
your heartaches soothed,
And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:
answers to your questions,
your image in the mirror,
a part of yourself,
And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families
Two different kinds of love
Both a part of you.

As you all know, my FAVORITE show is Gossip Girl.

I wrote a blog post about this whole situation. You'd have to scroll down a lot to read it. It's sort of long. I can kind of sum it up for you but you won't really know what's going on.
Serena (is pretty much the main girl) and Dan (her on and off again boyfriend)- their parents (Serena's mom, Lily and Dan's dad, Rufus) had a fling like in high school or whatever.
Lily kept it a secret for 20 years that her and Rufus had a baby. She placed for adoption. They had a son. They went to look for him because Rufus found out and wanted to meet him. The adoptive couple told them that their son, Andrew, died from some freak accident. But later on it shows the couple saying they weren't going to tell Rufus and Lily that their son (Scott) was really alive and that it was another boy that they adopted that died. The Rosson's (the couple) didn't want to lose another one of their sons. Lily was rich and they thought that they could take Scott back somehow with all their money.
Scott uses Dan's best friend, Vanessa, and dates her to get closer to Lily and Rufus. He got a hold of his real birth certificate and tracked them down.
Well, one episode this season Scott almost tells them that he's their son. His A-mom comes and says to him that she supports him whatever he does but she's always been his mom and been there growing up with him. When he goes to talk to Rufus to tell him, he says, "I'm your son's brother." So he was telling them that he wasn't their son just brother's of Andrew. Making them still believe that Andrew was Rufus and Lily's son.
Scott goes back to Boston and dumps Vanessa. This girl Georgina, who likes to ruin peoples lives and blackmail them over hears about Scott. Dan starts dating this girl Olivia Kate (Ironic?). Olivia Kate is played by Hilary Duff. She's a movie star who wants to be an average college kid. Well, Georgina finds out and she tells Vanessa to tell Dan to dump Olivia or else she was going to tell everyone about Scott.
Vanessa tells Dan the truth so that way Georgina doesn't blackmail her. And Dan pretends to like Georgina but Georgina doesn't fall for it. She befriended Scott and brought him back to Manhattan. This last episode, Rufus and Lily are getting married. Scott shows up at the time that Rufus and Lily are fighting and Lily is saying stuff like, "I don't think I want to get married to you." Blah, blah, blah. Scott asks, "You're not getting married?" Lily says to him, "Who do you think you are? How dare you walk in on a private conversation at a private event?" Scott walks away upset and Lily asks Rufus if he knows him. Rufus starts to say, "Yeah, he's..." "Your love child," Georgina jumps in the conversation, "Yep. He's not dead." Dan confirms that Scott is their child. Lily and Rufus go out to look for him. They go to the bus station and Scott is about to get on the bus to Boston and Rufus runs after him. Scott says to him, "I wanted to look for my real parents (Totally wrong term in the adoption world, definitely birth parents) I wanted to see them get married and be happy. I wanted to think that they gave me up (placed) because they weren't ready. Not because they didn't love each other."
Lily says to him, "We do love each other. I'm just scared because Rufus is the only one that I've ever really loved the most (she had been married like 4 times). And all I've ever thought about for the past 20 years was holding our child." It was a tender moment. I cried through the whole thing.

I probably would marry this show. I love it. I'm in a committed relationship. I watch it faithfully every week.

Well, that's my life. Complicated but trying to be motivated.
Tomorrow I meet with my doula for our last visit it's a post partum visit. Just to make sure I feel I'm recovering from everything okay. And what not.
I think I'm going to the birth parent group. I haven't been wanting to go to that one much. It's hard for me to see the other girls who are pregnant and are saying they're going to place. Because I know how much it's going to hurt for them. I don't know. It's weird.
Then I'm going to Castle of Chaos with one of my friends. I haven't been to a haunted house thing in FOREVER. Maybe since I was like 15.

This reminds me. I saw a REALLY scary movie the other night. It was called Paranormal Activity. It has been the only scary movie that has freaked me out EVER. It freaked me out SO much that I slept with the light on. Yeah. It's about ghosts and what not. Well, just one, and it's not really a ghost. It's a demon. FREAKY. All this crazy stuff happens. I can't even talk about it. It's freaking me out right now. You can watch the trailor on Youtube.
Most of you probably won't see it because it's R. I know. I'm a bad person. That's probably the last time I'll EVER do something like that. haha. I learned my lesson.

I'll end on a happy note. :) This picture was taken Thursday night. I was watching her that night and we watched The Office together. Jim and Pam's wedding. We attended. I found out later that night that the ICPC approval came through and could take Olivia out of Utah and back to Virginia. I got to watch her all day Friday from 7 AM until 7 PM. Nic came over for like an hour. Bleh. He had to leave to find an apartment and a car by the end of the week (he had the whole week yet this was the only day his daugher was going to be in town until Christmas. Go figure.). But it was really fun being with her. I have videos and stuff and we gave her a bath. :) So much fun. I'll have to post those pictures soon. Love you all :)
P.S. I think I kind of look like a hunchback in that photo. That's how I get the fellas.


  1. Aw - thanks once again for your honesty. It's wonderful to hear a birthmother's perspective! Good luck with the birthparent group - I will be attending an "expectant parent" support group this week as well!

  2. Hi Stephanie! I found your blog on Adoption Voices a few weeks ago, and I have cried my way through each post since then. My heart goes out to you and the love you have for your little girl. Two of my best friends growing up were adopted, and they have nothing but LOVE and RESPECT for their birthmothers. We have just started the process to adopt a little girl from Ethiopia, and I think about and hurt for her birthmother daily. I feel an even greater responsibility to raise and love her because of the selfless decision her mama has made for her. Adoption is a beautiful answer to prayer for a waiting mama, but I know it holds gut wrenching pain for the one who gave life to a little one. My prayers are with you...if you don't mind, I will continue to "stalk" your blog, to better understand and sympathize with birthmothers! If you would like to follow my family as we adopt, you can at www.flitterbugs.blogspot.com
    You should definatley look into being a mentor to young ladies/pregnant teens.... you obiously have such love and wisdom in that arena!

  3. Hey Steph, I know I don't comment on here a lot, but I am following your story. You definitely inspire me, and I cried while reading that poem.
    On a lighter note, I love Gossip Girl too, so much, one of my favs! :)

  4. I hope you don't mind me reading your blog and leaving a comment. I found your blog through Andee's blog right after you had your baby. I love reading anything about adoption so I decided to read your blog from the very beginning and I just finished it the other day. Wow.....you had me laughing and crying at different times in your blog. I loved reading about your adoption journey. Just from reading your blog I am amazed at you and the choice you made for placing your daughter for adoption. Adoption is such a wonderful thing!!!!!
    My husband and I adopted our little girl and we think of her birth parents everyday. They are in our prayers daily and we will be forever grateful for the choice they made. We are so grateful for birthparents out there like our daughter's and you. Your daughter will be very proud of you and when she is older she will be able to tell you that herself. We have an open adoption and it has worked out great. The way I feel about it is the more that love your child the better.
    Thank you for telling your story. You are an amazing person and thank you again. As an adoptive mom it is cool to hear the birth mom's side.

  5. Shopping post pregnancy is a must. And that poem made me cry too. Did you ask Lori what you should refer to Olivia as? You'd think they'd have a term for your placed daughter.

    And you can't expect yourself to keep making good choices if you put yourself in bad situations... Don't hang out with that friend. >:(

    You are TOTALLY nuts for watching that scary movie. I still freak myself out over 6th Sense. Yeah, I'm that pathetic. I think the last time I watched that movie was at least 4 or 5 years ago. And I scared myself from memories of that movie three nights ago while up feeding the baby. I had to pray the WHOLE TIME I was feeding him.

  6. Oh my gosh!!! I Love that poem!!! It is so cute! And it's amazing to think too, of how much you've grown! Cause not only that you've seen it in yourself... but I've definitely have seen it! At the hospital, it was interesting to hear Loni tell me that I would be feeling some of the grief and sadness becaues you are feeling it... And all I could think was "Mourn with those that mourn." It was interesting... and now that experiencing of seeing a friend go through adoption process and knowing that it's not over... it's different for me... but it's been a good experience. :D I don't regret it one bit! It's helped me grow in a way... I guess to really understand what goes on. If you get what I mean?

    I went to the mall and bought a cute little mask for Halloween and walked by Papaya, and thought of you! haha! I didn't go in because I didn't have money... and besides it's not fun to look around when you don't have a friend with you! :(

    But yeah! I hate scary movies... I jump too easily! Seriously! The village is one that makes me jump like crazy... and it's not even that scary! :P LOL But yeah... it's been interesting because, your a really good friend of mine and I respect you! You're such an amazing person! I Love ya tons! :D

    I agree with Erika... if there is such thing as a birth parents, adoptive parents, what do they call the son/daughter that has been placed?