Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Jump On It

Celebrating the 20th at Jump On It with Tayler and McCall (and McCalls's 18th)

Monday, April 26, 2010

20th Birthday

Today's the 20th anniversary of being expelled from my mothers uterus.

I won Kingsburg :)



19th Birthday- Me&Jasper
(5 months pregnant)

20th Birthday Me&Jasper
(Not pregnant! HA!)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

7 Months Old

Little Olivia 7 months old on April 23
I can't believe how fast these 7 months have just flown by.

Olivia is the little social butterfly.
She can crawl.
She likes bananas and yogurt.
She definitely doesn't get her love for fruit or yogurt from me.
I despise both things.
I know... How do I survive?

The adoption finalized on April 14.

I'll be 20 on Monday!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Let It Go

In my institute class on Thursday, it was about forgiving others. It was something that I needed to hear and take that lesson throughout this week. I know most of the girls who have been in my situation. Who have dealt with an unplanned pregnancy and the fathers left them. Either the girl single parented or placed for adoption. You still feel that resentment in your heart. You always know that you didn’t create that child by yourself. You definitely didn’t create that child out of hate. I know it’s taken me a long time to truly forgive Nic for what he had done to me. I didn’t realize it until this week that he contacted me and told me that it’s pathetic that he still shows up in my blog. It’s true. I’ll give him that.

I’m completely pathetic. It’s been almost 7 months since Olivia has been born, more than a year since we’ve broken up and he still makes an appearance. But I guess I still hold on to that resentment that shouldn’t be there anymore. It’s just a grudge that I’ve held. I felt like I’ve been cheated of the experience that I should’ve had with my first child. I felt cheated that I wasn’t married and the guy I created a baby with wasn’t my husband. He didn’t have the decency to even try to make it work. I don’t think I’m that intimidating or that awful of a person that you can’t talk to me, even for your daughter that I was carrying.

Stupid Boy by Keith Urban
Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. But I do realize I need to close the chapter in that book. I just need to let it all go. Let go of the fact that he wasn’t there for me, for his daughter, that he didn’t fulfill his responsibility as a father. I’m letting that go because I’m happy with somebody else. I don’t need my past to drag me down. Tayler is going to be an amazing husband and father and I’ll be able to take my babies home from the hospital. That when I lay all of my heart and soul in Tayler's hands that he won't crush my dreams or plans. He won't run or hide.

A lot of what the blog is going to be is quotes.

The first quote that hits me pretty hard is by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin,

“The Principle of Compensation

The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude… Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails.”

“All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it.” Joseph Smith

Matthew 6:14-15

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 but if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

D&C 64:8-11

8 My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.
9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
11 And ye ought to say in your hearts- let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.

“The Spirit- the Holy Ghost- will help us… learn to forgive. There comes a time when people must move on, seeking greater things rather than being consumed by the memory of some hurt or injustice. Dwelling constantly on past injuries is, by its nature, limiting to the Spirit. It does not promote peace.” James E. Faust

Romans 12:17-21

17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably will all men.
19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire in his head.
21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Rereading through that passage, it reminds me of a story that the teacher gave. He told us that his mother was in a concentration camp. And he had a dream, three nights in a row, it was the same dream. He dreamed that he went into a concentration camp and he saw bodies burning and dead on the ground. And there was a Nazi in the camp and he went up to him and the Nazi said, “I’m hungry” And the teacher was angry thinking, “You’re killing people, MY people.” And the Lord was standing next to him and the Lord said, “Find him food and feed him.” And the teacher was angry thinking he didn’t want to give this soldier any food. But he went as the Lord told him to and he gave the food to the Lord to give to the soldier. The soldier ate and then he was dying. And the veil appeared to the teacher and realized the soldier was one of his friends in the pre-existence and he was begging the Lord to let him stay.

It makes you think, that you want to be kind to others and say nice things about others because you don’t know what relationship you had with this person in the pre-existence. Your worst enemy here on Earth could be your best friend in the previous life. It’s crazy to think about and you just feel awful when you pass over that you treated this person poorly or burned such a horrible bridge with them.

I know I tend to say things and be open, maybe a bit too open. And some things I do say could offend people. I try to defend myself and say they’re my words, it’s my blog. I do try to think about others when I talk about them and make sure what I say isn’t offensive, unless I feel they have done me wrong. What person doesn’t do that, it is within our nature to retaliate if we feel someone has wronged us.

When I do write about people close to me, I think about them carefully and thoughtfully so I don’t hurt them. I do make sure if it’s okay for me to write things about them as well. When I have a personal story to tell I would hope you would respect me and my life experiences. You all have your own. You also have your own sins. Just because I was open about my past doesn’t mean you should pick and tear me apart because I was being vulnerable. I respect others opinions, I respect it when others ask me not to write about them or a certain story. I would ask you if you would respect me or even think about if the Lord was standing next to you, would you say those same things to me? Keep that in mind when you talk with others or about others.

I know my heart can be very proud and I can have a hard heart. But I do ask and pray for it to be softened daily. Or even humble myself and ask for the Lord’s guidance, I don’t believe any of us can go through this life alone without His help. He’s been here with me the past year or so because I came to Him and asked for it. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be open unto you. (D&C 4:7)

I challenge you that when you take the sacrament to think of whom you need to forgive.

Someone has written: “… the withholding of love is the negation of the spirit of Christ, the proof that we never knew him, that for us he lived in vain. It means that he suggest nothing in all our thoughts, that he inspired nothing in all our lives, that we were not once near enough to him to be seized with the spell of his compassion for the world.” Christ’s example and instructions to his friends are clear. He forgave, and he said, “… Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)

What is our response when we are offended, misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against, made an offender for a word, falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offerings rejected? Do we resent, become bitter, and hold a grudge? Or do we resolve the problem if we can, forgive and rid ourselves of the burden? The nature of our response to such situations may well determine the nature and quality of our lives, here and eternally. A courageous friend, her faith refined by many afflictions, said to me only hours ago, “Humiliation must come before exaltation.”

It is required for us to forgive. Our salvation depends upon it. In a revelation given in 1831 the Lord said: “My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened. Where fore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for their remaineth in him the grater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is require to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:8-10)…

But not only has our eternal salvation depended upon our willingness and capacity to forgive wrongs committed against us. Our joy and satisfaction in this life, and our true freedom, depend upon our doing so. When Christ bade us turn the other cheek, walk the second mile, give our cloak to him who takes our coat, was it to be chiefly out of consideration for the bully, the brute, the thief? Or was it to relieve the one aggrieved of the destructive burden that resentment and anger lay upon us?

…Envy, arrogance, and unrighteous dominion- these canker the soul of one who is guilty of them. It is true also if we fail to forgive. Even if it appears that another may be deserving of our resentment or hatred, none of us can afford to pay the price of resent or hating, because of what it does to us. If we have felt the gnawing, mordant, inroads of these emotions, we know the harm we suffer. So Paul taught the Corinthians that they must “see that none render evil for evil unto any man…” (1 Thessalonians 5:15)

It is reported that President Brigham Young once said that he who takes offense when no offense was intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense was intended is usually a fool. It was then explain that there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system. If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.
Elder Marion D. Hanks

I know many girls who have said, “I shouldn’t forgive him for what he has done.” Or “I don’t think I could ever forgive him.” I know I have not taken a lot of my own advice that I have given to someone. I told her that she let him control her while they were together. She’s still letting him take control of him by being angry with him. I thought I was on respectful terms with Nic. But clearly, I was wrong. Yes, I did say some things about his significant other (but never did I make anything up) but I was offended thinking that she didn’t know anything about me. But I was also wrong because I don’t know anything about her. And I don’t know about anything about Nic anymore, since we have changed since everything has happened. So I publicly apologize for hurting feelings and causing unneeded drama. And just hope things will be mended for Olivia’s sake. Maybe not even be mended, but for us to tolerate each other as grown adults who had a child together. And we have to share that, share that sin that we created a child out of wedlock, share that child that has not only blessed our life but the lives of others. I'm apologizing now because after losing my best friend who I didn't apologize to. I'd rather live my life knowing that he has a choice to forgive me, rather than live life with a regret of never saying sorry and forgive him for everything that happened between us. It's his choice to forgive me.

Sometimes, the simplest advice that you give to others
is the hardest thing for you to follow.

“Closely related to our own obligation to repent is the generosity of letting others do the same- we are to forgive even as we are forgiven. In this we participate in the very essence of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Surely the most majestic moment of that fateful Friday, when nature convulsed and the veil of the temple was rent, was that unspeakably merciful moment when Christ said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” [Luke 23:44] As our advocate with the Father, He is still making that same plea today- in your behalf and in mine. Here, as in all things. Jesus set the standard for us to follow. Life is too short to be spent nursing animosities or keeping a box score of offenses against us- you know no runs, no hits, and all errors. We don’t want God to remember our sings, so there is something fundamentally wrong in our relentlessly trying to remember those of others. When we have been hurt, undoubtly God takes into account what wrongs were done to us and what provocations there are for our resentments, but clearly the more provocation there is and the more excuse we can find for our hurt, all the more reason for us to forgive and be delivered from the destructive hell of such poisonous venom and anger. It is one of those ironies of godhood that in order to find peace, the offended as well as the offender must engage the principle of forgiveness.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Here are some talks if you have the time to read:

President Faust – The Healing Power of Forgiveness

These talks are for those who have been a victim of abuse and are having a hard time forgiving the abuser.
Elder Richard G. Scott- Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse
Elder Richard G. Scott- To Be Free of Heavy Burdens
Elder Richard G. Scott- “To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse"

“Recycling regrets [and old injuries, and tearing open old wounds doesn’t] change reality. Pawing through the past is not productive… Too much attention to what might have been actually gets in the way of what still can be.
Neal A. Maxwell

I’ll finish up with this quote

I would like to make it clear that forgiveness of sins should not be confused with tolerating evil. In fact, in the Joseph Smith Translation, the Lord said, “Judge righteous judgment.” [JST Matthew 7:1-2] The Savior asks us to forsake and combat evil in all its forms, and although we must forgive a neighbor who injures us, we should still work constructively to prevent that injury from being repeated. A woman who is abused should not seek revenge, but neither should she feel that she cannot take steps to prevent further abuse. A businessperson treated unfairly in a transaction should not hate the person who was dishonest but could take appropriate steps to remedy the wrong. Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us in our own lives. But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or anger to control our thoughts or actions.”
Elder David E. Sorensen

I was looking through my drawer for my camera battery charger and I found a letter that my mom had written to me and in the letter it said that I have a gift to quickly forgive others. Even while I was growing up, my mom always wanted to shoot the neighbor kids when I would tell her how rude they would be to me. Then a few hours later I’d go out and play like nothing happened. And because of that gift, I’ll be blessed to have a marriage without much contention.

I hope someone needed this as much as I did this week. I’m going to apologize to those who I have wronged. And especially written to those who I don’t know as well, to those anonymous comments I get on my blog and my Formspring. As much as they don’t know me, I don’t know them to say anything to them or about them. As much as they call me out, I call them out. As much as I sin, they sin. The only difference is that I can change that for me, I can’t change that for them. They can be forgiven as much as I can. It’s everyone’s free agency to choose their own path and their own time to change. I changed a long time ago and I’m much happier with the change that I made for myself. I’ve found someone I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me the happiest girl in the universe and can’t wait to spend eternity with him without any regrets in the choices I have made. Because I chose to learn from my past and my mistakes, I hope everyone knows, no matter how awful of choices they have made. They’ll always be forgiven.

Don't count time. Make time count.

If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.
-Elder James E. Faust

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Temporary Home

I'm just going to write down what's been on my mind lately.
Yes, I deleted my formspring.

I had many questions about the adoption, Olivia, and of Jessica.
Why I chose to place Olivia, Why Jessica did what she did, If she and I would still be in a fight.

I can't explain that to you.
Plain and simple.

I don't know why Jessica left the way she did.
That's only between her and God.

I don't know why I placed Olivia for adoption.
That's between me and God.
I can't explain it to you, but it's clear as day for me why I needed to do it.

If Jessica were still here, I can't tell you if and she I would still be in a fight.
That's between me and her.

I went over and saw Lisa (Jessica's mom) on Sunday. It was heartbreaking to drive on the same road that I've memorized how to get there to know that my final destination isn't to see my best friend. But it's the closest thing I got.
I can't explain to you the experiences that I have that mean so much to me.

A few days before Jessica's passing. She added me as a friend on Facebook. Listen, this fight was the biggest fight that Jessica and I had ever gotten into. But you know when you fight with your best friend, you still know that your friends and that you'll forgive each other no matter what happened in the past. They will still be your best friend?
It has nothing to do with her passing that I wish that she was still here and that I could've been a better friend.
In my mind that day, I knew that I was going to forgive her. But not yet.
I thought it would be in this life. But Lisa explained it to me simple but beautifully.

Because of Jessica's passing, all the bridges that she had burned, were healed.
I always thought, if she was here, I'd forgive her.
But I don't think it was meant to be that while she was living I was supposed to forgive her. It had to be after she had left.

(Jessica after Baby Olivia was born. Her mom said that this was one of Jessica's happiest days of her life)

I can't tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I can't tell you that everything happens on accident.

All I can tell you that it's God's plan.
He knows what it's in store for us.
And He'll never give us a trial that we can't overcome or can't handle.
If God gives it to us, we have to be strong enough.
But we can't do it by ourselves.
That's only between you and the Lord (or your higher power).

You don't know what you have in store for you.
But cherish each moment that you have with your loved ones, forgive all that has hurt you, and live each day like it's your last, and never regret it.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Dear Formspring,

We're officially over.
I'm glad this anonymous abuse is over with.

Peace out Formspring.

Friday, April 9, 2010


So the Wednesday group at LDSFS is the expectant parent group. And this week's group was about self-esteem. Let's just say I had a few people try to knock down my self-esteem in the past week. ESPECIALLY people who clearly don't even know me AT ALL. And of course, on my formspring I get those anonymous comments like, "You're a beezy." "You're selfish." "You're immature." Blah blah blah. I'm like really? Call me immature one more time before you comment because you ANONYMOUSLY calling me that really means you can't say it to my face. Andee asked me why I get so many people who attack me on my Formspring.
Maybe because my outspoken sarcasm hurts peoples feelings. Please tell your therapist, your mom, your non-existent boyfriend or write on your blog how mean of a person I am. And that I'm just a big bully. Puh-Leez. I don't lie awake at night thinking about anything that you guys have said to me. But clearly, when you pick at a person, and you get told that, it does sort of make you think that you maybe ARE that kind of person. Maybe I am a beezy. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am immature.

Wednesday group: I wasn't there for the whole thing just because I had to work that night. But the group was posted on the birthmom blog for the agency. I walked into the room and saw plastered on the wall all of these words:






Stretch Marks



Alone Forever

Not enough










Just sort of a reminder of how much you hate yourself and how you look right?

One of the case workers had us list 10 "negative statements you tell yourself."

How about you take the time and do it yourself. :) It might help you if you're having issues with this situation.

This is my list--
I need to work out/tan

I'm a terrible fiance

My make up/hair sucks

I'm a slut

I'm immature/selfish

I'm rude and inappropriate

I'm stupid/unintelligent

I'm hopeless

I am just one big mistake and I make lots of them

I can never be enough

At this point, (as I'm sure you are too if you are doing this with me) I was feeling very down on myself. I am the scum of the earth. Look how awful I am.

The case worker then had us read some "Thinking Distortions." These are things that we do to make ourselves feel down on ourselves. (ps, i do most of these...do you?)

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking.
You see things in black and white categories.
If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. Overgeneralization.
You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. Mental Filter.
You pick a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

4. Disqualifying the Positive.
You reject positive experiences by insisting that they don't count for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. Jumping to conclusions.
You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

A. Mind reading.
You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check it out.

B. The Fortune Telling Error.
You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you will feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.

6. Magnification, Catastrophizing, or Minimization.
You exaggerate the importance of things (such as failure, falling short of the mark, or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny ( your good and desirable qualities or someone else's limitations).

--(Feeling pretty down yet? Oh yeah, Me too. It gets worse...)--

7. Emotional Reasoning.
You asume that your negative emotions necissarily reflect the way things really are, "I feel it, so it must be true. "

8. Should Statements.
You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could accomplish anything. "Musts" and "oughts" also fall into this faulty-thinking category. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9. Labeling and Mislabeling.
This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself, "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way you attach a negative label to him, "He's a jerk." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10. Personalization
You see yourself as the cause of some problem, or take on someone's opinion as having more value than it does.

Ok, what categories do you fit into? I fit into most of them, if not all of them. They are called "thinking distortions" for a reason.

What does "Self Esteem" mean exactly? How do I get this?

Self Esteem--A way of thinking, feeling, and acting that implies that youaccept, respect, trust, andbelieve in yourself.

To accept means that you can live comfortably with your strengths AND weaknesses without self criticism. How often do we put ourselves down for what we CAN'T do?

respect means that you acknowledge your own dignity and value as an unique human being. You are different. From EVERYONE. Thank goodness, eh?

Self trust- your behaviors and feelings are consistent despite changes.

Believe- You feel you deserve to have the good things in life. You can fulfill all your goals with confidence. And trust me, you DO deserve it.

Ok, now that we know what it means, what do you do when you feel "down"? What do you do that replaces self esteem? You feel down, so you must fill up the space with...what? Write at least five down. They can be positive or negative "addictions". When we start using these things for make up for our lack of self esteem, we become addicted. These are my addictions.

*Getting my hair done
*Eating Fast Food :)
*Taking Pictures

Shopping could be a negative or a postive. I feel ugly, so I go buy a new pair of shoes. Or, I feel that my hair makes me look nasty so I'm going to go get my hair done and get a pedicure and spend at least $200 and a therapy situation with my hair dresser (who happens to be my BFF from high school). Blogging could also be both. I blog to feel better emotionally. But sometimes, I blog to get comments to seek approval. Look at your list. Does your list go both ways?

Ok. Look back at that horrible list of negative statements I made you write. I now want you to write ON A SEPARATE sheet of paper the OPPOSITE of everything that you put on that list. Make sure they are "I am.." statements, not "I am not.." statements. This is mine.

I am skinny/have flawless skin and beautiful

I am an AWESOME fiance

I have beautiful hair and makeup always :)

I am a great person, I respect myself

I am mature and selfless.

I am a very kind person

I am intellegent

I am going to accomplish a lot

I make great decisions

I am good enough and do enough

Now, I want you to read YOUR list out loud to yourself. How does it make you feel? Everyone in the room assured me that is how they view me. That is the person that I am. You are the "positive affirmations" you just listed. The person that I strive to be has those qualities I just listed...and I am already there. I just need to remember that I am that person. You need to remember that you are that person you just described on your sheet of paper. That is how God sees you, that is how your family, friends, and loved ones see you. You are an amazing Daughter (or Son) of God.

Last step. Goals. List the goals that you
deserve and are worthy of.
This is my list:
*An Awesome Husband (Kind, Worthy Priesthood Holder, Loving, Caring, Selfless, etc.)
* Find a job that will provide for me and my husband
*Graduate from Dental Assisting school
* Look and feel my best
*Temple Marriage :)
*Be Happy
*Be Trustworthy

I deserve and am worthy of all those things. I may not feel like it all the time, but I do. Those goals you listed...you deserve and are worthy of them too.

Let Your Light So Shine
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
You're playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not justs in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
--Marianne Williamson

I just want you all to know some accomplishments that have been happening in my life. The things that I have worked hard for are FINALLY paying off. I have been working two jobs. It's stressful and I'm just ready to have one job and make money, save money for the wedding and all of that. I'm ALMOST done with my extern hours at the dental office. Which means, I can get a job soon. And I talked with my teacher and I'll be graduating May 19 :) I'll hopefully done with my hours before the end of the month. It's awesome to finally be done with school and know that I can go through whatever I put my mind to it.
Some of you may have heard. The wedding day is being pushed a little bit. Hopefully not too much. We're looking at something in the fall. Tayler's work is really being... ahem... anal and won't let him transfer until after 6 months. And he transfered from Boise to Burley end of March beginning of April. So he might not be able to transfer until October. But maybe we'll have a September wedding. :) We'll see.

I just want you all to know that I'm grateful for adoption and where I'm at in my life today. Yes, I've been across some bumpy roads. But overall, I'm at an awesome place in my life. And I know a lot of the things that I have accomplished, probably wouldn't have happened unless adoption was apart of my life. I'm extremely happy. I thought you know, I was going to be stuck. Living the same life I used to. I'm working hard for a temple recommend and a temple marriage. I can't wait for the day. I want to make others proud, but I also want to make myself proud with everything that I've put my mind to. I've gotten there by motivating myself. :) Shoot, my negative self-esteem won't knock me down. Look, where I'm at. Yep. I'm bragging. Don't hate.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


days until I'm


Monday, April 5, 2010

Easter&General Conference

Well, Easter came and went. And I guess I'm a failure since I didn't make a post on Easter. Ha. I don't know.
Saturday I watched conference. My favorite talk of the whole weekend was Elder Holland's talk. That was Saturday afternoon.

Part 1 ^^
Part 2 ^^

Tayler came to visit for Easter weekend. I worked Saturday night. General conference weekend is probably our busiest weekend. This year wasn't as busy as I expected. Anyway. Tayler left right after work. He worked until 10 and go to my house around 1.
On Sunday, in between sessions of general conference. Since all the kids are older, we didn't do Easter baskets this year. My dad usually hides them and we have to find the one that is ours. But if we find someone else's then we can't tell them where it is. This year we did that with just regular Easter Eggs. With our names on it. 6 eggs. 5 people. There was a bonus egg. Well. Tayler found my egg and kept it for himself. And when I found his- because I was following the rules- kept his in the hiding spot. Then my mom yelled at me to get his since he had mine. It was in this basket in the kitchen, hanging on the wall. I was trying so hard to keep him away from his egg that I ripped the basket off the wall and was scrambling to grab it. Haha. It was funny.

Then we watched the second half of General Conference. And this one about mothers (Elder Bradley D. Foster) about stabbed my heart. At least one quote did, "As President Joseph F. Smith said, 'The love of a true mother comes nearer to being like the love of God then any other kind of love.'"
I know I'm not a perfect mother. I placed my first child for adoption. That power that was given to me to place her, was God's love. I loved my daughter enough to give her what she deserved. A mother and a father who love her as much as I do, and as much as God does.
I don't even know how to begin or to explain how I'm feeling. I've had people ask, "How're you a mom when you place your baby for adoption?" You're right, I'm not a mom. I wasn't placing to give away my responsibilities as a mother. I was being the best mom I could be, by loving her enough. There wasn't anyway that I could've placed without God's help and my own family's help. There love shown to me is the love that they shown to my daughter. And this love could not have been more true without God's love.

I'm definitely grateful that one day I'll be a mother again. And I'll actually be able to say it and shout it from the rooftops. But today, isn't that day. Today, I watch my daughter be raised by Dustinn and Val to be her father and mother. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt to hear about being a mother when not only placing my own daughter, I also gave that title of being her mother to someone else. It's a sacrifice that I was willing to take upon myself for the love that I have for Olivia. Any parent would do the same for their child because they love them enough. At least I would hope. You would sacrifice your well-being, your happiness, your entire soul for your child to be happy, to be be and feel loved by so many. If you don't, I know I did. And I know I would for my future children because I know what it's like to lose a child and hope that that child grows up knowing what you did for them was out of love. I continue to love Olivia everyday. It's hard to explain. Maybe because I don't have her with me everyday, I'm not sacrificing every minute of my life providing for her or being with her but I want her to know that single sacrifice didn't stop me from loving her. I gave up everything for her happiness. She was my life, my world, my best friend. To lose that best friend that was next to me every night and near my heart, it's tough.
I'm grateful for her and what she has taught me. She has taught me what it takes to be a mom and hope someday be an awesome one to future children that I will raise and call my own. Olivia will always be my daughter to me, but I'll always be her birth mom.

I'm grateful that General Conference was on Easter weekend. So many stories about the Lord's sacrifice for us. Only made it that much more real how powerful the Atonement is. And how much it has changed my life for the better. I'm grateful for that.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Day 13: Music

I've been getting asked, "So what kind of music do you listen to?" I'll be honest. I listen to EVERYTHING. Ha. I don't know how else to put that. I'll give you a list of what's on my iTunes. And my favorite songs at the moment.

Let It Go- Cavo

Like You Do- Angel Taylor

Crawl- Chris Brown

Hip Hop/Rap
Bedrock (feat Lloyd)- Young Money

Ignorance- Paramore

Jezebel- Iron&Wine

Indie (does this count as folk?)
Us- Regina Spektor

Vanilla Twilight- Owl City

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

Songs that I'm listening to right now:

Terrified- Katharine McPhee feat Jason Reeves

Paperweight- Joshua Radin&Schuyler Fisk

Let's Just Fall In Love Again - Jason Castro

Lee DeWyze (American Idol this year)
I've lost all faith in American Idol until he played this week. Let me know when he wins :)

On my iTunes:

The Academy Is...
Across Five Aprils
Adam and Andrew
Alan Jackson
The All-American Rejects
All Time Low
Aly & AJ
Amanda Perez
American Hi Fi
Angel Taylor
The Apathy Eulogy
The Aquabats
Architecture in Helisinki
Arctic Monkeys
As Tall As Lions
Ashlee Simpson
Ashley Parker Angel
The Ataris
The Audition
August Burns Red
Avenged Sevenfold
Avril Lavigne

Baby Bash
Baby Boy da Prince
Baby Huey
Backstreet Boys
The Beach Boys
A Beautiful Epiphany
Before Their Eyes
Ben Folds
Benton Paul
Between The Trees
Billy Talent
Black Eyed Peas
Blake Lewis
Bleeding Through
Blessid Union of Souls
Blind Pilot
Blue October
Bob Carlisle
Bonnie McKee
Bow Wow
Boyce Avenue
Boys Like Girls
Brad Paisley
Breaking Benjamin
Breathe Carolina
Brian McKnight
Britney Spears
Bryan White
Bullet For My Valentine

The Cab
The Calling
Carrie Underwood
Casey James
Celine Dion
Cheap Trick
Cheyenne Kimball
Cherie Call
Chris Brown
Chuck Wicks
Circa Survive
The Click Five
Closed Heart Surgery
Cobra Starship
Colbie Caillat
Collin Raye
Crash Romeo
Crowded House
Cute Is What We Aim For
Cyndi Thompson

Dance Gavin Dance
Danity Kane
Daphne Loves Derby
Dashboard Confessional
David Archuleta
David Cook
A Day To Remember
Death Cab For Cutie
Deep Blue Something
Delta Goodrem
Dem Franchise Boyz
Demi Lovato
The Devil Wears Prada
Didi Benami
Dixie Chicks
DJ Khaled
DJ Quik
DJ Sammy
DJ Tiesto
Driving East
Drowning Pool
Dynamite Hack

Edwin McCain
Erin McCarley
Escape The Fate
Evan and Jaron
Eve 6

Faith Hill
The Fall of Troy
Fall Out Boy
Five Times August
Flo Rida
FM Static
Fort Minor
Fountains of Wayne
The Fray
From Autumn to Ashes
Funeral For A Friend

The Game
Gavin DeGraw
Gavin Rossdale
General Larry Platt (Pants On The Ground)
The Goo Good Dolls
Good Charlotte
Goodnight Nurse
Gym Class Heroes

Head Automatica
Heidi Newfield
Hey Monday
Hilary Weeks
Hit The Lights
Hollywood Undead

I Nine
Imogen Heap
Ingram Hill
Ingrid Michaelson

Jack's Mannequin
Jack Johnson
Jamie O' Neal
Jane's Addiction
Jason Castro
Jason Derulo
Jason Michael Carroll
Jason Mraz
Jason Reeves
Jay Sean
Jessica Andrews
Jesse McCartney
Jessie Clark
Jim Jones
John Legend
John Mayer
John Michael Montgomery
Jonas Brothers
Jordin Sparks
Josh Gracin
Joshua Radin
Joy Williams
The Juliana Theory
Just Surrender
Justin Bieber
Justin Nozuka
Justin Timberlake

Kaci Brown
Kanye West
Katharine McPhee
Katy Perry
Keith Urban
Kelly Clarkson
Kelly Rowland
Keri Hilson
Kevin Rudolf
Killswitch Engage
Kings of Leon
The Kooks
Kris Allen
Kristin Chenoweth

Lady Antebellum
Lady Gaga
Lady Sovereign
Leann Rimes
Lee Ann Womack
Lee DeWyze
Leigh Nash
Leona Lewis
Lesley Roy
Less Than Jake
Letters to Cleo
Lil' Flip
Lil' Wayne
Lil' Jon
Lil' Kim
Lil' Rob
Lil' Wyte
Lila McCann
Linkin Park
The Lonely Island
Lost Prophets
Luke Pickett

Madina Lake
Mandy Moore
Marcy Playground
Maren Ord
Mariah Carey
Marie Digby
Mark Schultz
Maroon 5
Martina McBride
Mat Kearney
Matchbook Romance
Matt Nathanson
Mayday Parade
Meg & Dia
Michael Buble
Michael Jackson
Michael Johns
Mike Jones
Miley Cyrus
The Moldy Peaches
The Mollies
My American Heart

Natasha Bedingfield
Natalie Umbrulia
New Boyz
Nick Lachey
Nine Days

October Fall
Ok Go
Owl City

Panic At The Disco
Papa Roach
Pat Benatar
Pathway to Providence
Paula De Anda
Peter Breinholt
Phil Collins
Plain White T's
The Prom Kings
Puddle of Mudd
Pussycat Dolls


The Ramones
Rascal Flatts
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Regina Spektor
Relient K
Rise Against
Rob Thomas
A Rocket To The Moon
Ron Pope
The Rosenbergs
Ryan Cabrera

S Club 7
Sarah Buxton
Saving Abel
Say Anything
Say Hi To Your Mom
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
The Scene Aesthetic
The Script
Sean Kingston
Secondhand Serenade
Senses Fail
Seven Mary Three
Shania Twain
Shawn Mullins
Sherrie Austin
The Shins
Shiny Toy Guns
Sick Puppies
Simple Plan
Siobhan Magnus
Skankin' Pickle
Sky Eats Airplane
Skye Sweetnam
Smashing Pumpkins
The Smiths
So They Say
Something Corporate
The Spice Girls
The Spill Canvas
The Starting Line
Stephen Speaks
Stone Sour
Story of the Year
Sugar Ray
The Summer Obsession

Taking Back Sunday
Taylor Swift
Tech N9ne
Teddy Geiger
Tegan and Sara
Theory of a Deadman
Third Eye Blind
This Day & Age
Three 6 Mafia
Three Days Grace
Tim McGraw
The Ting Tings
Toby Keith
Tommy Shane Steiner
Tonight is Goodbye
Trey Songz
Trisha Yearwood
Trust Company

Uncle Kracker

The Veronicas
Violent Femmes

We The Kings
The Wreckers

Young Jeezy
Young Love
Young Money
Yung Joc

10 Years
3 Doors Down
50 Cent
98 Degrees

Day 14: Wife List

I was suggested to make a list of what makes me feel like I'm "good wife material." Sort of like this girl's blog. Her list is probably going to be better than mine. As being engaged, I'm pretty sure that means I'm good wife material. You don't get married hoping they'll turn out to be a good wife. What you do now, should affect you how you'll be a good wife.

*I like to work. Dedicated 3 years of my life at the dubs and now moving on to a better career :)

*I don't cake on my make up, it doesn't stick 3 inches off my face. I like to look au naturel.

*I'm a jeans and a hoodie type of girl. I don't need to get all dressed up. But it's fun every once in a while.

*I don't get scared in scary movies. I love them.

*I like to watch sports. College football, NBA, NFL, college basketball (I failed to fill out a bracket this year- been hecka busy). I bet you most girls needed to look up what NBA and NFL stood for and what a bracket even is. P.S. I'll probably yell louder than you in most games.

*I like all different types of music. I like to go to concerts and I do occasionally mosh :) I'm not afraid to get my butt kicked.

*I like backpacking, camping, outdoorsy type stuff. I'm not afraid to get a little dirty and not shower or shave for a few days.

*I like time by myself. I like going to the mall by myself. So I don't have to constantly be your little puppy dog that follows you around.

*I can cook. I know how to follow a recipe.

*I'll try anything new, once. If I like it, I'll continue.

*I'm a good listener... when I want to listen. I have selective hearing.

*When I make my bed, I like to leave little mints for myself on the pillow. What man doesn't like to find tasty treats?

*I like to save water... so showering... with... the dishes always helps with that :)

*I like dogs. But more of a cat person ;)

*I like doing laundry, only because I can snuggle with the warm clothes after they come out of the dryer.

*I'm experienced ;) Come on, I've already had a baby! haha.

And I'm quoting what Brianna wrote at the end of her blog, "Ladies, what qualities do you possess that puts you in the 'wifey material' category? Men, what things do you look for that makes somoene seem like they could possibly be... the one."

Update on wedding plans:

August 7 is still looking good. I'll let you know if that changes. Just with our schedules and stuff. We're making sure it's good with his work. He has to be at his work for 6 months before he can transfer. And he just transfered. So 6 months is October. We're hoping we don't have to wait until then. But we'll see.
Dress: Check
Photographer: Check
We still need to do engagements/bridals. We're thinking that will be done next month or in June.
We're still looking at places for receptions. Just something outside if it's in August. We'll be looking at directions for that. We have ideas for what we want to do for the center pieces and what will be served. But it's still in the making.
I'll probably be looking at bridesmaid dresses next weekend.
So much to do!

126 days until I'm Mrs. Stefanie Despain :)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Day 12: Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants

I've been following a blog called The Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants. It's a local blog made by birthmoms in the American Fork area who go to LDS Family Services. The blog is for expectant parents, birth parents, birthmoms who have placed, and even for adoptive couples.
The expectant parents can kind of get an idea of what life will be like after placement. And it gives girls who have placed a chance to open about their adoption experience. They use pseudo names (nick names) so they can freely express themselves without worrying about judgement by others. Or if girls have kept their pregnancy and adoption plan a secret, they can talk about it. Blogging in a way is like a journal.

This is the introduction to the blog.

Welcome to the Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants the American Fork Chapter. This site was made by some birth mothers from the American Fork Agency. You don't have to be from American Fork, Utah to be able to join this blog.

If you would like to join the blog, we are blogging on specific topics each month. We'll keep you updated. Or if you feel like you need to get something off your mind you can write a blog. We do accept ideas (: Type your blog post in some sort of word program and attach it to an e-mail. We will keep all names, including ours, confidential. We would like it be that way so you are able to express yourself without others find out about your adoption experience. It's very therapeutic to write out your feelings and especially during all different stages in your life. Such as grief and joy. Don't be afraid to express your SOUL. We would like to keep it pretty positive as well, but it is also good to include the negative thoughts and feelings, so that way we aren't sugar coating all the hurt involved with placing our babies for adoption, and that it always isn't butterflies and rainbows.

This month (December) can be introductions to all the girls who are willing to post about their pregnancy/adoption experience. It can be as long or as short as you want it to be. You can make up your own alias or we can come up with one for you and your birth child. (We would prefer you make up your own so it's special and personal for you. Such as a nickname you were called in high school or a nickname you have for your child. It can also be different names like a character from your favorite movie, your favorite band, whatever you want.)

Example: The two administrators for this site are two birth mothers. Stella and Curly Sue. I'm pretty sure it's a given those aren't our real names. You'll never know.

If you feel this site might benefit for other birth mothers that you know, let them be aware. You can give them our e-mail address as well and the blog address. This is for all of you to be able to share you adoption experiences in a healthy and anonymous way and also for other girls that might be in our same predicament, and look into her options.

Please inform us if you would like to be apart of The Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants (Haha!). Thanks!

If you would like to follow this blog. You can do it publicly or privately in the Follow This option in the side bar.

Adoptive Families are also welcome to follow and get an inside look at the thoughts and feelings of a birth mother through either a closed or open adoption. We would like to protect the privacy of other's journeys.
If you are involved in any part of adoption such as a couple hoping to adopt, been blessed through adoption, or have a birth mom blog of your own. Let us know and we'll put your link up on the side.

E-mail address: Afchaptersmp@gmail.com

Thanks for looking at our site and hope you are willing to become apart of it. We're all here for each other. (: