Sunday, April 18, 2010

Let It Go

In my institute class on Thursday, it was about forgiving others. It was something that I needed to hear and take that lesson throughout this week. I know most of the girls who have been in my situation. Who have dealt with an unplanned pregnancy and the fathers left them. Either the girl single parented or placed for adoption. You still feel that resentment in your heart. You always know that you didn’t create that child by yourself. You definitely didn’t create that child out of hate. I know it’s taken me a long time to truly forgive Nic for what he had done to me. I didn’t realize it until this week that he contacted me and told me that it’s pathetic that he still shows up in my blog. It’s true. I’ll give him that.

I’m completely pathetic. It’s been almost 7 months since Olivia has been born, more than a year since we’ve broken up and he still makes an appearance. But I guess I still hold on to that resentment that shouldn’t be there anymore. It’s just a grudge that I’ve held. I felt like I’ve been cheated of the experience that I should’ve had with my first child. I felt cheated that I wasn’t married and the guy I created a baby with wasn’t my husband. He didn’t have the decency to even try to make it work. I don’t think I’m that intimidating or that awful of a person that you can’t talk to me, even for your daughter that I was carrying.

Stupid Boy by Keith Urban
Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. But I do realize I need to close the chapter in that book. I just need to let it all go. Let go of the fact that he wasn’t there for me, for his daughter, that he didn’t fulfill his responsibility as a father. I’m letting that go because I’m happy with somebody else. I don’t need my past to drag me down. Tayler is going to be an amazing husband and father and I’ll be able to take my babies home from the hospital. That when I lay all of my heart and soul in Tayler's hands that he won't crush my dreams or plans. He won't run or hide.

A lot of what the blog is going to be is quotes.

The first quote that hits me pretty hard is by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin,

“The Principle of Compensation

The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude… Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails.”

“All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it.” Joseph Smith

Matthew 6:14-15

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 but if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

D&C 64:8-11

8 My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.
9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
11 And ye ought to say in your hearts- let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.

“The Spirit- the Holy Ghost- will help us… learn to forgive. There comes a time when people must move on, seeking greater things rather than being consumed by the memory of some hurt or injustice. Dwelling constantly on past injuries is, by its nature, limiting to the Spirit. It does not promote peace.” James E. Faust

Romans 12:17-21

17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably will all men.
19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire in his head.
21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Rereading through that passage, it reminds me of a story that the teacher gave. He told us that his mother was in a concentration camp. And he had a dream, three nights in a row, it was the same dream. He dreamed that he went into a concentration camp and he saw bodies burning and dead on the ground. And there was a Nazi in the camp and he went up to him and the Nazi said, “I’m hungry” And the teacher was angry thinking, “You’re killing people, MY people.” And the Lord was standing next to him and the Lord said, “Find him food and feed him.” And the teacher was angry thinking he didn’t want to give this soldier any food. But he went as the Lord told him to and he gave the food to the Lord to give to the soldier. The soldier ate and then he was dying. And the veil appeared to the teacher and realized the soldier was one of his friends in the pre-existence and he was begging the Lord to let him stay.

It makes you think, that you want to be kind to others and say nice things about others because you don’t know what relationship you had with this person in the pre-existence. Your worst enemy here on Earth could be your best friend in the previous life. It’s crazy to think about and you just feel awful when you pass over that you treated this person poorly or burned such a horrible bridge with them.

I know I tend to say things and be open, maybe a bit too open. And some things I do say could offend people. I try to defend myself and say they’re my words, it’s my blog. I do try to think about others when I talk about them and make sure what I say isn’t offensive, unless I feel they have done me wrong. What person doesn’t do that, it is within our nature to retaliate if we feel someone has wronged us.

When I do write about people close to me, I think about them carefully and thoughtfully so I don’t hurt them. I do make sure if it’s okay for me to write things about them as well. When I have a personal story to tell I would hope you would respect me and my life experiences. You all have your own. You also have your own sins. Just because I was open about my past doesn’t mean you should pick and tear me apart because I was being vulnerable. I respect others opinions, I respect it when others ask me not to write about them or a certain story. I would ask you if you would respect me or even think about if the Lord was standing next to you, would you say those same things to me? Keep that in mind when you talk with others or about others.

I know my heart can be very proud and I can have a hard heart. But I do ask and pray for it to be softened daily. Or even humble myself and ask for the Lord’s guidance, I don’t believe any of us can go through this life alone without His help. He’s been here with me the past year or so because I came to Him and asked for it. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be open unto you. (D&C 4:7)

I challenge you that when you take the sacrament to think of whom you need to forgive.

Someone has written: “… the withholding of love is the negation of the spirit of Christ, the proof that we never knew him, that for us he lived in vain. It means that he suggest nothing in all our thoughts, that he inspired nothing in all our lives, that we were not once near enough to him to be seized with the spell of his compassion for the world.” Christ’s example and instructions to his friends are clear. He forgave, and he said, “… Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)

What is our response when we are offended, misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against, made an offender for a word, falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offerings rejected? Do we resent, become bitter, and hold a grudge? Or do we resolve the problem if we can, forgive and rid ourselves of the burden? The nature of our response to such situations may well determine the nature and quality of our lives, here and eternally. A courageous friend, her faith refined by many afflictions, said to me only hours ago, “Humiliation must come before exaltation.”

It is required for us to forgive. Our salvation depends upon it. In a revelation given in 1831 the Lord said: “My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened. Where fore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for their remaineth in him the grater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is require to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:8-10)…

But not only has our eternal salvation depended upon our willingness and capacity to forgive wrongs committed against us. Our joy and satisfaction in this life, and our true freedom, depend upon our doing so. When Christ bade us turn the other cheek, walk the second mile, give our cloak to him who takes our coat, was it to be chiefly out of consideration for the bully, the brute, the thief? Or was it to relieve the one aggrieved of the destructive burden that resentment and anger lay upon us?

…Envy, arrogance, and unrighteous dominion- these canker the soul of one who is guilty of them. It is true also if we fail to forgive. Even if it appears that another may be deserving of our resentment or hatred, none of us can afford to pay the price of resent or hating, because of what it does to us. If we have felt the gnawing, mordant, inroads of these emotions, we know the harm we suffer. So Paul taught the Corinthians that they must “see that none render evil for evil unto any man…” (1 Thessalonians 5:15)

It is reported that President Brigham Young once said that he who takes offense when no offense was intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense was intended is usually a fool. It was then explain that there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system. If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.
Elder Marion D. Hanks

I know many girls who have said, “I shouldn’t forgive him for what he has done.” Or “I don’t think I could ever forgive him.” I know I have not taken a lot of my own advice that I have given to someone. I told her that she let him control her while they were together. She’s still letting him take control of him by being angry with him. I thought I was on respectful terms with Nic. But clearly, I was wrong. Yes, I did say some things about his significant other (but never did I make anything up) but I was offended thinking that she didn’t know anything about me. But I was also wrong because I don’t know anything about her. And I don’t know about anything about Nic anymore, since we have changed since everything has happened. So I publicly apologize for hurting feelings and causing unneeded drama. And just hope things will be mended for Olivia’s sake. Maybe not even be mended, but for us to tolerate each other as grown adults who had a child together. And we have to share that, share that sin that we created a child out of wedlock, share that child that has not only blessed our life but the lives of others. I'm apologizing now because after losing my best friend who I didn't apologize to. I'd rather live my life knowing that he has a choice to forgive me, rather than live life with a regret of never saying sorry and forgive him for everything that happened between us. It's his choice to forgive me.

Sometimes, the simplest advice that you give to others
is the hardest thing for you to follow.

“Closely related to our own obligation to repent is the generosity of letting others do the same- we are to forgive even as we are forgiven. In this we participate in the very essence of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Surely the most majestic moment of that fateful Friday, when nature convulsed and the veil of the temple was rent, was that unspeakably merciful moment when Christ said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” [Luke 23:44] As our advocate with the Father, He is still making that same plea today- in your behalf and in mine. Here, as in all things. Jesus set the standard for us to follow. Life is too short to be spent nursing animosities or keeping a box score of offenses against us- you know no runs, no hits, and all errors. We don’t want God to remember our sings, so there is something fundamentally wrong in our relentlessly trying to remember those of others. When we have been hurt, undoubtly God takes into account what wrongs were done to us and what provocations there are for our resentments, but clearly the more provocation there is and the more excuse we can find for our hurt, all the more reason for us to forgive and be delivered from the destructive hell of such poisonous venom and anger. It is one of those ironies of godhood that in order to find peace, the offended as well as the offender must engage the principle of forgiveness.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Here are some talks if you have the time to read:

President Faust – The Healing Power of Forgiveness

These talks are for those who have been a victim of abuse and are having a hard time forgiving the abuser.
Elder Richard G. Scott- Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse
Elder Richard G. Scott- To Be Free of Heavy Burdens
Elder Richard G. Scott- “To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse"

“Recycling regrets [and old injuries, and tearing open old wounds doesn’t] change reality. Pawing through the past is not productive… Too much attention to what might have been actually gets in the way of what still can be.
Neal A. Maxwell

I’ll finish up with this quote

I would like to make it clear that forgiveness of sins should not be confused with tolerating evil. In fact, in the Joseph Smith Translation, the Lord said, “Judge righteous judgment.” [JST Matthew 7:1-2] The Savior asks us to forsake and combat evil in all its forms, and although we must forgive a neighbor who injures us, we should still work constructively to prevent that injury from being repeated. A woman who is abused should not seek revenge, but neither should she feel that she cannot take steps to prevent further abuse. A businessperson treated unfairly in a transaction should not hate the person who was dishonest but could take appropriate steps to remedy the wrong. Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us in our own lives. But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or anger to control our thoughts or actions.”
Elder David E. Sorensen

I was looking through my drawer for my camera battery charger and I found a letter that my mom had written to me and in the letter it said that I have a gift to quickly forgive others. Even while I was growing up, my mom always wanted to shoot the neighbor kids when I would tell her how rude they would be to me. Then a few hours later I’d go out and play like nothing happened. And because of that gift, I’ll be blessed to have a marriage without much contention.

I hope someone needed this as much as I did this week. I’m going to apologize to those who I have wronged. And especially written to those who I don’t know as well, to those anonymous comments I get on my blog and my Formspring. As much as they don’t know me, I don’t know them to say anything to them or about them. As much as they call me out, I call them out. As much as I sin, they sin. The only difference is that I can change that for me, I can’t change that for them. They can be forgiven as much as I can. It’s everyone’s free agency to choose their own path and their own time to change. I changed a long time ago and I’m much happier with the change that I made for myself. I’ve found someone I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me the happiest girl in the universe and can’t wait to spend eternity with him without any regrets in the choices I have made. Because I chose to learn from my past and my mistakes, I hope everyone knows, no matter how awful of choices they have made. They’ll always be forgiven.

Don't count time. Make time count.

If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.
-Elder James E. Faust


  1. Oh my gosh you have me bawling! It is SO hard to forgive babies daddy... especially when they call the baby you love so much a mistake :( But this is what I needed to hear so THANK YOU!

  2. I loved reading your post! It was very inspiring! Thank you for sharing it. I can relate it to other areas in my own life, even though they are not the same things, it was a great reminder of the bigger plan. :)
    You keep doing what your doing, because your amazing and I can see your the person God wanted you to be. :) Your beautiful! Thank you again for sharing it!

  3. Thanks for writing a great post. I know forgiveness is a hard thing to do, but for the best. I personally don't have a lot of anger for my daughter's birthfather, but I think it's because I am not 100% sure he knew that I was pregnant. Because I told him, but hid it from others.

  4. this is exactly what i needed to hear. had a dramatic falling out yesterday with a whole family i've been friends with for years. i need to get the venom out and apologize rather than hold onto the anger just because i think i'm right.

    gah. thanks. really, EXACTLY what i needed to hear, even if it hurts, but it's what i needed. good job stef.

  5. I placed over 4 years ago now, and the birthfather is still in my thoughts all the time. It took me far longer than 7 months to forgive him. Even when I had moved on and found someone else to love me, I still had a very strong hatred in my heart for my son's father. It WILL lessen. Hang in there. You are on the right track. Grieve in your own time, not HIS! (Funny that he would point out how pathetic it is that you still blog about him... isn't it equally pathetic that he noticed you still blog about him? He's obviously paying attention.) You are a strong girl. Keep your head up. :)

  6. "Your worst enemy here on Earth could be your best friend in the previous life."

    I think everyone in any situation could use those words of wisdome, I know I needed them. Thank you for being who you are and sharing your thoughts, I needed to read them and think about this in my life.

  7. Thanks so much for the blog!! It helped a ton! :D Love ya! OH! Hey! I got you a present for your Birthday!! I hope you'll like it! Are you going to be in town? Or up with Tayler?

  8. What a great post, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Everyone could use to forgive a little bit more (I KNOW I could!)..definitely something I need to hear :)

  9. @Tasha. I'll be in town. Tayler will be here. Thanks!

    @Everyone thank you! I was hoping it would all come out right and apply to everyone. Not really anything particular in just my situation. We all could probably need to forgive somebody in our life at one time, or even now. :) I hope it all helped.