Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Temporary Home

I'm just going to write down what's been on my mind lately.
Yes, I deleted my formspring.

I had many questions about the adoption, Olivia, and of Jessica.
Why I chose to place Olivia, Why Jessica did what she did, If she and I would still be in a fight.

I can't explain that to you.
Plain and simple.

I don't know why Jessica left the way she did.
That's only between her and God.

I don't know why I placed Olivia for adoption.
That's between me and God.
I can't explain it to you, but it's clear as day for me why I needed to do it.

If Jessica were still here, I can't tell you if and she I would still be in a fight.
That's between me and her.

I went over and saw Lisa (Jessica's mom) on Sunday. It was heartbreaking to drive on the same road that I've memorized how to get there to know that my final destination isn't to see my best friend. But it's the closest thing I got.
I can't explain to you the experiences that I have that mean so much to me.

A few days before Jessica's passing. She added me as a friend on Facebook. Listen, this fight was the biggest fight that Jessica and I had ever gotten into. But you know when you fight with your best friend, you still know that your friends and that you'll forgive each other no matter what happened in the past. They will still be your best friend?
It has nothing to do with her passing that I wish that she was still here and that I could've been a better friend.
In my mind that day, I knew that I was going to forgive her. But not yet.
I thought it would be in this life. But Lisa explained it to me simple but beautifully.

Because of Jessica's passing, all the bridges that she had burned, were healed.
I always thought, if she was here, I'd forgive her.
But I don't think it was meant to be that while she was living I was supposed to forgive her. It had to be after she had left.

(Jessica after Baby Olivia was born. Her mom said that this was one of Jessica's happiest days of her life)

I can't tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I can't tell you that everything happens on accident.

All I can tell you that it's God's plan.
He knows what it's in store for us.
And He'll never give us a trial that we can't overcome or can't handle.
If God gives it to us, we have to be strong enough.
But we can't do it by ourselves.
That's only between you and the Lord (or your higher power).

You don't know what you have in store for you.
But cherish each moment that you have with your loved ones, forgive all that has hurt you, and live each day like it's your last, and never regret it.


  1. Stefanie-
    I loved this blog. I, too, had a good friend leave unexpectedly in the same way when I was in 9th grade. I still struggle, but your words are exactly what I needed to hear. They are inspiring and uplifting. I struggle a lot with not being able to have children (or at least not yet) and that God will provide us, when He decides, not when we decide. You have gone through a lot in your short life, as have I. But the strength of God, will get us through it. It is through Him and by Him that we can do anything. My favorite scripture is Luke 1:37 "For with God, nothing shall be impossible." You are in my prayers Stefaine. I am proud of you (even though I don't know you) and am so excited for the life you are leading. You give me hope. Thank you.


  2. Wow....Well said. Your so awesome and inspirational.

  3. Stef,
    This is good.
    Real, good.
    You're excellent to write these feelings down, to remember them.
    Because years later, it'll be so great to go back and read these posts about your thoughts.

  4. You and Jessica look crazy alike! What a beautiful friend she was. I'm sure her Mom loves to see you and sees Jessica IN you, too. Stay close to her. I'm sure it'll bring healing to you both.

    Praying for you!

  5. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvaxTz9GESQ

    made me think of you and your friend