Saturday, February 26, 2011

One Little Break

You know, I like to blog when I feel like and I just felt like a few weeks ago maybe I'll feel more up to blogging if I did the challenge. I'm sure I'll complete it eventually. But I also keep this blog as my personal journal, I don't have anything else. I don't write in one because I'm faster at typing and I hate my handwriting and I get lazy. I want to know how I feel right now in this exact moment. I'm sure I'll look back and think, wow. I was an idiot. Or maybe I'll look back and think, that's a life lesson that I learned and even though it was hard, it helped me become patient in the long run. So, let's start this.

Yes, I'm still incredibly baby hungry. And yes, I'm diving into this topic again but a different feeling about it.

When I found out I was pregnant with Olivia that was a tough time for me. N and I had just broken up and I was scared, freaking out. His reaction wasn't exactly the best one. I didn't see a smile run across his face. It was just utter disappointment of ourselves. And only being 3 weeks into the new year, it's not the most exciting news to discover when you're uncertain of the outcome.

Well, I kind of had a glimmer of the future today.

I let this girl at work borrow my What To Expect When You're Expecting book (my mom bought it for me when I was pregnant) and I knew her and her husband were trying and I thought it'd be fun for them to read until she got her own copy. She texted me on Thursday to let me know she still had it and dropped it off at my work tonight (Friday).

When I got home I was just completely exhausted and threw my purse on the floor with the book in it and started my bath. Tayler was in our bedroom and I called him over to bring me my purse. It wasn't that far away I just felt like I couldn't even move another inch. He brought it to me and when he got to me he just asked, "What do you have in your purse??" and looked around and pulled out the book. I kind of just looked at him to see his reaction and not say a word. A smile just bursted onto his face and asked, "What is this?!" I just said nonchalantly, "A book." He asked, "Are you being serious right now?"

I hugged him to hide my tears and I could feel his heart pounding and him controlling his breathing and repeated, "Honey, answer me. Please." I just wanted in that moment to look at him and share in his excitement and say yes. But I knew the true answer and all I choked out was, "I wish."

 He pulled away to look at my face and then I made my ugly/pouty face cry and bawled. He pulled me in and felt so bad. He thought it was all of his fault that I was sad. But trust me, it wasn't. He knows more than anything that I want a baby and to see that he would just be as excited as me just made me cry.

I was happy to see the completely opposite reaction of what it was like 2 years ago. It made me realize, you know, it isn't the same situation. Finding out your pregnant isn't something dreadful. It's something that most people look forward to when you're married. And maybe because I sort of had a negative reaction before that's what I had always expected to get. But seeing his reaction was bittersweet. It made me happy but it broke me apart because I wanted to say yes. Not only for me but for  him too. I thought I was going to hurt him by saying no from how happy he was.

I hadn't really planned on spilling the beans on when we we'd try to conceive. We will have to figure out where we are at the point we want to try and if we think (and the Lord thinks) its time for us to have kids at that time and the answer is no.

I don't think he knew what he was getting himself into....


  1. Love this post Stef. Finding out I was pregnant this time, was SO different too. We were THRILLED! I realized at that moment as well that it's supposed to be an exciting thing. Not something bad, heartbreaking, or wrong.

    I love you and am so excited for the day that you two can start having kids. I'm also so excited that we're friends. and I can't WAIT for you guys to experience the Temple!

  2. this was such a sweet post. I love the dialogue between you two. I really understand how you feel. The "I wishes" and wanting it so much as much for your spouse as for you. I think it's really cute how Tayler was holding back, knowing it is a very delicate subject.
    Such a sweet glimpse into your life and marriage.

  3. I loved this post. I am so glad you married such an awesome guy. When it comes time, you guys will be awesome parents, and you will make darn cute babies, too. You're awesome, Stef. I hope you know how much I look up to you.

  4. That is such a sweet story. I've been blog stalking you for a bit, found your blog some way or another back when you were pregnant and I was too. It's been awesome to see you find a great guy who you're so happy with.

  5. I remember crying when I wanted to be pregnant too. It is so wonderful to have such a supportive spouse. I'm so glad that Tayler is so good to you.

    You are just going to love me for putting up some newborn pictures on my photo blog this week...

  6. I struggle with the baby fever, but we're not at a place either, that makes sense for a baby. we're like a few months away from a deployment and being apart for 12 months, and we're not financially ready either.

    And I know that when we do get pregnant, I won't get the same reaction from my husband that I did from my son's father, which was about like your experience with your daughter's father...

    It amazes me every time I read your blog how much our stories parallel, seriously...