Tuesday, June 22, 2010


So you know how I've posted that I've been overwhelmed and full of stress lately? It seriously has taken a huge toll on my attitude. It's not just me that has noticed that. I've been more irritated or annoyed that I just sort of snap back. I finally just had a giant breakdown last night. And you know, (gahhhhhhhh just tearing up as I think about it) the outcome of it was a huge spiritual experience for me.

Just mountains of stress has been built upon me and I felt so bad because I kind of just talked to Tayler until about 2 last night and he had to get up at 5 this morning for work. I apologized for it and he said that he'd do anything for me. So sweet :)

After telling him how I felt, I still felt this heaviness about me. That talking about it just wasn't going to make it better.

I'll make a list of my stress for you:

1. Job- I have a job currently. Yes, it pays the bills. But I find myself living pay check to pay check and I'm trying to look for a job right now as a dental assistant since I finished school. I have probably turned in about 35 resumes in areas such as, Eagle Mountain, Saratoga Springs, Lehi, and American Fork. I have had 2 offices call me back for interviews and both have hired someone else. I'm genuinely worried that I'm going to get married and still not have a job. That I'll just be poor forever and Tayler is going to hate me for being this horrible person.

2. In-Laws- I've been trying to avoid this one for a while to blog about it. But ever since Tayler has told his mom that we are having a civil marriage. She has decided that I'm not good enough for Tayler. That I am now the scum of the earth. That I don't even deserve to be acknoweledged in her home. It's insane. Tayler will tell me everything that his mom says to him about me and a part of me wants to tear her to pieces because I feel like a lot of it is hypocritical. She uses the excuse that I had a baby that I'm not ready to get married. She will point out all of this bad stuff about me to him. I'm like, are you kidding? How old are we? You can't talk to me like an adult? Do I have to talk to you like we're in high school? A part of me really just wants to sit down and talk to them and tell them who I am. Tayler and I have been together probably around 8 months ish. And his family still says that they feel like I don't know me. Tayler did give them a link to one of my blogs and his grandma read it and loved it. And she's willing to give me another chance and I appreciate it. But it's so hard to feel welcomed in his home or be welcomed in his family. I mean, his mom is going to be my mother in-law, the grandmother of our children, and she just acts like if I'm not in the picture that I'm just going to go away. I just don't know what to do to be a "good" daughter in-law. To be someone that his mom approves of him marrying. She DID like me before. I can tell you that. She didn't have a problem talking to me or giving me hugs. And it's sort of declined to that she won't even acknowledge that I'm there or my existence. That my name is like a swear word in her house. Ha. I don't know. I just wish things were better and that she'd get to know me rather than jump the gun and place a label on me that I'm unfit. How does that make me feel? Not very good about myself that's for sure.

3- Friends. This one is a very tough one for me. For some reason lately, friends just tend to walk in and out of my life like it's no big deal. That I'm not getting affected by it. I'm like, oh that's chill. It's hard for me because I'm PAINFULLY trying to find my place with a best friend. I almost feel like I'm trying to find a replacement-Jessica. Tayler tells me all the time that I'll find a friend just like her. But I don't think how much he understands that that will probably never happen in this lifetime. Jessica was just this light in my life. We had our tough times, sure. But you know, that will never take away all the times that she had been there. All the times that I needed advice or someone to just make fun of someone with me. It's been hecka hard. I hang out with friends, sure. But Jessica and I were so much alike. That we laugh at our own stupid jokes or sarcasm. We had the same kind of humor and it's just difficult. I'll probably do my jokes or sarcasm infront of others and it probably isn't as funny. I miss that about her, just laughing, making jokes all the time. I seriously feltl ike she had it all. I wanted to be her most of the time, she'd always be friends with all these hot guys, she was unbelievably beautiful, and funny. In my eyes, if I were a boy, she'd be my dream girl. AAAAAA. Gay. I sounded like a total lesbian. And she'd totally laugh at that moment. She'd probably say something like, yeah. that was pretty lesbo. I just sat there and cried last night that I wasn't ever going to be a good enough friend to anyone. She's like my example that I will never find a friend like her. I know I have many friends, some I consider best friends, but I don't think anyone could ever replace that.

So a lot of it is just money issues and some wedding stress. You know, so much to get done. But I'm having fun doing it. Each and everything we do I get more and more excited to be married.

Last night, just wasn't a very good night for me. I just had a lot on my mind. I was at work and of corse, we got screwed the last hour of work and so it's awesome when you have some people that you work with that don't help you. But I love Mccall. She usually makes me feel sane when I'm there. I was giving Mccall a ride home and we were just sitting in her parking lot. And somehow we got on the topic of Mormons in Utah. You know, I haven't lived in Utah all of my life, contrary to popular belief. I have grown up half of my life outside of Utah. I've known people from other states while living in Utah. I just have a strong belief that yeah, most Mormons are "jack" Mormons. That they are the Mormons that are Mormons on Sunday but do whatever the hell they want every other day of the week. Or the Mormons who will point their fingers at others when there is 3 of them pointing right back at them. You can point out someone's sin but you have sins of your own. As much as you want to believe you lead this picture perfect life for your audience but I'm almost positive that you have a closet full of skeletons and everyone knows it.

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers... make sure your hands are clean."- Bob Marley
I'm sure I've been at fault with that sometimes. But I've NEVER once lied to my Bishop about stuff. I'll say it, I haven't owned a temple recommend in 5 years. Because I know, personally, I'm not ready yet. I'm not worthy yet to go through those doors. I'd rather be damned as a sinner than damned as a liar at the judgment day. I would not want to go inside the Temple unless I was fully worthy and clean to be there instead of have the guilty conscience on my mind thinking, "Should I be here? Am I allowed to be here? I haven't fully confessed." Duh. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves? If you even have to ask yourself that then you should probably get that worked out.
That's why it was so hard for me to believe I could find a good guy in Utah. I'll tell you, that I've been with a RM and we did things that he probably shouldn't have done. It wasn't ANY force on me. It was more he was forcing me to do stuff with him. Which was ridiculous. I talk to friends and they tell me what she and her boyfriend did the night before. But in the moment, he was getting his temple recommend interview. I'm like, really? Can he even have a temple recommend? I guess everyone in Utah isn't reading the same guidelines as everyone else. Right? I know it's not just "Utah Mormons" and I know some of you may believe I'm a textbook hypocrite. But I'm taking my own path to get on the right one.
What makes me even made sometimes is that I feel like, a certain friend of mine, that I had to always be on the same path as her. That we all had to be on this righteous path and she is our righteous leader and we're her followers. I'm like, uh, no. That's not how I work. I do my OWN repentance process. I may have some slip ups on the way. But I'm not some Mormon clone either. I went to a friend's homecoming and this kid is HECKA funny. We were worried that when he came home that he wouldn't be the same that he'd be this weird RM. But he totally hadn't changed. And probably what he said in his talk will stick with me for a long time. I'll use my name.

I first didn't know who I was and who I was supposed to be in the beginning of my mission. In the beginning, I was still Stefanie That funny girl, that wild child. Then I started thinking, maybe I need to be more missionary like, I became this uptight, everything needs to be done in this order, very unhappy Sister Stefanie. Then I didn't want to live my whole mission not being who I was. So I had to incorporate who I was in the Gospel and not lose sight of who I really am. So I was Stefanie wearing the Sister Stefanie badge.

I don't want to lose sight of who I am and who I've become. I don't realize how far I have really come in all of this. From this out of control girl to this girl who has made a few mistakes but does every day to try do to better and learn from them. I think I'm doing my best and that's all the Lord asks for. I want to have the Gospel in my life and be that spiritual person everyday and I feel like I'm taking the right steps together. Slowly, but surely. Making sure I don't take this road for granted or skip a few steps and not be ready for it.

As I continue the night, I come home fairly late. And my mom wanted to talk to me about taking my sister to school this morning. Because the car that I usually use to drive to Idaho has broken down. You know, the two days that I use the car. It's automatically MY fault that it's broken and that I didn't check the oil. Whoa. I'm sorry?? It's okay. I guess that's what I'm used to in the family is being the giant screw up. So if anything else goes wrong the blame goes to me right? So I had to drive my sister to school. You know, my mom texted me and asked me if I could drive her to her boyfriends house after school since she's leaving for Oregon tomorrow. I was still sort of irritated. I was going to ask her a question and she wouldn't let me get ONE word in. It was like she had a word vomit of how horrible of a sister I am. That I can't do one nice thing for anyone in this house and that I'm pretty much selfish. Ouch. Thanks, mom. That's really what I needed to hear tonight. All I wanted to ask is if her boyfriend's parents could maybe pick her up every once in a while. But nope, it's my fault for breaking down the other car so I have to drive her everywhere. Awesome.

So that's where my thought process stemmed. That I'm never going to be a good enough daughter, a good enough worker, a good enough daughter in-law, a good enough sister, a good enough wife. I was just ready to be done and be even more angry with everyone and myself. I was telling Tayler and he said, you know. You should probably pray. He's also a very good listener. I promised him I would. I wasn't tired so I went back upstairs and watched the Bachelorette on my DVR. (I probably have insomnia. I can't go to sleep until about 3 or 4 in the morning)
So at about 3:30 in the morning I went back to bed. And I remembered that I needed to pray. I got on my knees and said the most sincerest prayer. Asking for guidance and thanking him for so many things in my life. Including Tayler. Asking him for help if at all possible. I'm just pleading and crying out for help. Something I probably hadn't done since Olivia's placement. I've had people say, "you can do hard things. You are a strong person." I didn't want to be strong. I had been strong for so long that I had become this person that didn't feel anything but anger because I couldn't get everything out. I wanted to break down and let people know I'm human. I am who I am and nothing will change that. And yeah, placing Olivia for adoption was the hardest thing I probably will ever do. But it's not like every hard trial in my life I compare it to placing my daughter for adoption. Because I could be completely irrelevant to what I'm going through. The pain and the suffering that I went through with that is locked in a part of my brain that I hope NEVER comes back. So each moment that I'm given, I don't say to myself, "Well, I can do anything. I had given up the best thing that has happened to me." I could use it as motivation. But, I treat ever trial differently when it comes my way. I really don't ever want to feel that pain again. I feel as though I'm doing what I can for myself to make things maybe a little bit better and a little bit easier to get to where I want.
I hope that tangent all makes sense.
After my prayer, that heaviness that I felt earlier. I felt that it was gone. For some reason, it felt like I was on this holy ground and that God was in the next room. It sort of creeped me out because the light was on in the next room and I thought I had turned it off. I'm like, great. Now I'm being greeted by a spiritual being. That's how I need to end this night. Perfect. Haha.

I realized for myself what I need to do to get on the right path. Who am I? I'll tell you. I hate being told what to do. I want to learn things my own way. I'm sure that's probably the stubborn side of me but I want to learn for myself. I don't want anyone to take my burden or trials from me. I'm sure there is one person that would love to and who has and that's Jesus Christ. He's my Savior. And He has helped me through SO much. And in my prayer, I told him that I felt like I needed to do it on my own. No one should ever have to go through anything alone. You will always have a best friend. You just need to get on your knees and pray. He's willing to listen and do what He can to help you through anything. Don't take that for granted and don't feel like you're a burden to Him. You're His child and He's willing to listen. :)
Sorry this long and none of it probably made any sense. But I hope it helps some of you along the way.

Also, can I please just tell you how perfect Tayler is? I appreciate everything he does. And how willing he is to just stand by my side and help me through everything. I'm sure that my break downs aren't any fun for him. Haha. I'm looking back through my text that I sent him last night before I went to bed. I think I told you that I watched the Bachelorette last night. I'm a total goof.
I sent, "Hi baby. I'm just getting in bed right now. But I just wanted to tell you good night and thank you for not giving up on me. I was watching my show and I realize how lucky I am to have found you. I didn't need to go on a TV show to find love. You're right in front of me and you're going to be the most perfect husband on the planet. I love you with all of my heart. You're the greatest."

He sent me this, this morning (I love morning texts especially these sweet ones), "Good morning baby I hope you slept well. Thank you for the text last night. I know that you are perfect for me and I know you will be an amazing mom of my kids. I love you. Don't ever give up sweetie."

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.


  1. Stefanie, i love what you are saying. I agree with the mormon thing, i grew up in canada, and i was so shocked when i moved here. And im so sorry about Tayler's mom, i hope that things can be sorted out. That must be such a pain. I know that you are so strong and loving, though. You can make it through anything. I love you :)

  2. I can't think of the right words. I know the feelings of some of the things you wrote about. Stress is so hard to deal with. I hope you continue to find the comfort you need.

  3. I wanna be on the Bachelorette soooo bad! Becca does too haha! I loved this blog. Sorry about your mother in law. Grrrr. My future mother in law doesn't like me purely because I'm WHITE!!! Soooo frustrating! I liked the part where you talked about having to have been strong for soo long then just wanting to be weak. I definitely know that feeling. :-( Great great post!

  4. Stefanie I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I totally understand breaking down in those moments when everything seems overwhelming... had a lot of those moments the last few months, and week! I hope things get better for you... Praying for you.

  5. As always, I love you.

    Praying for you.

  6. I tend to have a breakdown once a month. Sometimes if I'm lucky it's every other month. The stress doesn't end with marriage and I'm sure you feel you are getting a taste of that with this whole mother-in-law thing. So is she planning to come for the wedding? Cause that's awkward... :)

    I didn't feel like I had a best girlfriend for a really long time. Years. And then I met Jeana and I'd been married for 2 years before I met her. So even though a future best friend won't replace Jessica, I wouldn't give up on having one. You could even start praying for one. At the same time, most newlyweds are pretty into each other for the first year, so at least this way a best girl friend won't feel neglected while you are adjusting to married life.

    One thing that is nice about living outside of Utah is that most of the members you are in contact with are solid ones. It's harder when the not to solid ones are so prevalent. It can mess with your resolve.

    Sorry for the novel. Love you! I'm so glad that you were able to find comfort in prayer. :)

    Good luck on the job front, you aren't alone in this economy when it comes to searching for a job. Money issues are always a HUGE stress. Try to work together with Tayler to find a system that you both agree on for handling money.

  7. My mother in law LOVED me, until the day we got married. Not sure exactly what made her change her mind, but from that very day (starting first thing that morning with the wedding breakfast) she decided that nothing I did was good enough or right enough for her. It was a rough several years before we mended fences. It sucked. We've been married 13 years now, and the last 5 have been ok. I wouldn't consider us good friends at all, but we are cordial with each other at family gatherings. We've even made a couple of day trips together to go shopping. It is what it is. My DH was great about sticking up for me, and being on "my side" of things. If he wasn't that way, I don't think our marriage would have lasted. It really takes a toll on things.

  8. I think your quote from B Marly ( whom I love) hit it RIGHT on the money. How dare his mom act as though she and her family are a cut above the company. She has NO DAMN IDEA what kind of spiritual growth and strength your achieving. Sounds like someone doesn't understand the atonement.

  9. I love this post because I think I can almost feel your pain as you say it. That's incredible. If I were to comment on everything you said I'd have to write a book, but the thing that stuck out to me the most is your desire to not always be seen as strong. Like you, I too am often seen as a strong one. People who know me say that I'm tough, level-headed. But I break down, I have hard days and sometimes I wouldn't mind if someone worried about me, ya know? sometimes "I want to break down and let people know I'm human." I mean of course the way that it applies to us is different but I understand your sentiment. I'm proud of you and what you have done. I probably don't know you well enough to say that, but it's true. You're in my prayers. :)

  10. @Erika. I have no idea at this point if she will be at the wedding or not. I hope everything will be worked out by then.

    @Bree. For real! The best part of it all. She had Tayler out of wedlock. And so apparently when she got married 2 years after having him she was ready. But I wasn't. And that she was good enough for husband because she had a baby but I'm not good enough for her son because I had a baby. Oh and that we're getting married "wrong" because it's not in the Temple first. But she did it right because hers was in the Temple but she still got a divorce. :/ Yeah. Temple marriages are perfect.

    @Lindy. I think I was also meaning by that I am a "human." That I'm not just a voice over the phone or another author in a blog. I breathe and I don't just get over things by writing them out. I just try to live my life each day. You can write me a book anytime :) BTW. You got your mission call yes? Are we going to play Kingsburg before you leave? Are you in Utah?

  11. Stefanie...I had a breakdown the other day too. I think that comes with planning weddings!
    I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. We need to hang out soon. Seriously.

  12. I'm so glad I checked back cause- you responded! YES I received my mission call, YES we must play kingsburg before I leave, YES I'm in Utah, and Yes I do expect you to still have my digits. lol Hit me up when you have time!

  13. I have a hand-out from one of my psychology classes that lists the top 25 most stressful life events (and an re-adjustment scale showing the difficulty of rebounding.) The death of a friend, unemployment/job search, getting married were all on there. And to think you get them all at once! :)

    I agree with what Erika that stress doesn't end with marriage. I've seen families where hurt of something said or done remains 10,20,30 years later.
    It really hurts when someone doesn't like you/see you for who you are. Especially when it's someone who will play an intimate role in your life.
    Tayler's the first to be married. I'm sure it's hard for his mom to see her son grow-up and start a family of his own in another state. I'm sure she worries about not seeing him as much. Maybe she's scared and nervous---and she's definitely going about it the wrong way! I don't want her to miss out on what can be a wonderful relationship with extraordinary you.
    The thing is, maybe she'll right the course of your relationship, but maybe she won't? ...You are beautiful and loving AND you are one of the most clever, thoughtful and forgiving people I know.

    @Anonymous: I'm curious how you mended fences with your mil. What made things better?

  14. Geez, sorry things have been so tough recently. That's seriously not cool and I really hope things get better.

    I get what you said about everyone being a "Jack Mormon" but that's assuming that in order to be a "Real Mormon" you have to be perfect - which isn't the case. ALL of us have our vices and our pitfalls but that's kind of the point. If we didn't have a little "jack" in us then there would be no point for The Atonement. I dunno, I just think the whole term "Jack Mormon" is pointless. Did that even make sense? LOL...

    Oh and coming from someone who has wanted to outright drown their mother in law - all I can say is: suck. LOL! Just be cordial and put up with it. Like the other comment said. Things will get better with time. Just put up with her. And for God's sake never force your husband to choose between you guys. That's just a whole mess you don't want to get into, LOL.

    Geez, don't you love how all of us read your blog then automatically feel like we can weigh in on your life? LOL. Sorry if it comes off like that. Just trying to help :)

  15. @Lynd Fam. That totally makes sense about the whole "jack mormon" thing. But I guess what bothers me are the ones that lie about it to everyone but still believe they are "perfect." I don't know. That is just a big deal to me. I know people can make mistakes and use the atonement. I'll use an example. I knew a girl who had premarital sex up until like two weeks before she was supposed to LEAVE on her mission. She had her mission call and still felt like it was chill to go. Of course, a good friend talked her out of it. I believe a mission isn't just a vacation to go bang whoever. It's an errand of the Lord, it's a service to Him. So why teach one thing and the way the Lord wants you to live your life and do another and go against what you're preaching? Or why do drugs or drink and sit in a temple recommend interview and be asked "have you been keeping the word of wisdom", and lie? Just so you can prove to everyone that you are a Mormon and can have a temple recommend? It's like it's some sort of right of passage to flash that about to everyone like it's a business card. Cool. I would hope a temple recommend or taking the sacrament every Sunday would mean a lot more to people than that. Ya know?
    It's like telling your bishop that Sunday that you keep the word of wisdom and law of chasitity and take the sacrament and that very same night you drink, do drugs, and have sex. And do that every single Sunday.
    Ha. I hope that all makes sense too. :/
    But I totally understand. Thanks for the mil advice (everyone) haha. I just know I have a lot to learn with that and right now I'm just keeping myself out of it because I don't want to cause anymore drama than there already is.