Monday, May 16, 2011


There was some good news but here comes the... I wouldn't call it bad so I will just call it news...

I will try to make this short and simple. Even though my emotions are super complicated right now. Over two years ago, I found out I was pregnant and it changed my life forever. I met some incredible people that I will never forget. I met my first baby girl and that day was perfect. I wouldn't ever change a thing. Then days later, I had broken my heart to give her more than I could at that time. Two parents who were going to love her unconditionally and give her everything. The answer I received was that she wasn't meant to be with my family, she was meant to be with the J's.

Over the past two years, I have written over 300 blog posts. I never thought how much my story could impact strangers and how their stories of trial, difficulty and peace in the end- could impact me. I learned life lessons through these wonderful people in the blogging world and I'm very appreciative and grateful for all that everyone has shared.

I say with a heavy heart, I'm enduring another hard goodbye. I've decided... and this was my decision and only my decision to make. As much as I have loved my open adoption and the peace that it has given me knowing my little girl is being taken care of and she's happy. I've come to the decision to verbally close the adoption.  In other words, the adoption could easily open back up over time or when Olivia is ready to talk to me. It has been getting harder, when it should be easier. I believe it's been harder because I've been holding on to those two days at the hospital for far too long. I'm holding on to something that isn't mine anymore.

I have so many fears and wishes. I've gone back to placement day. A day that I hoped to have long forgotten the torment and the sorrow that came with it. But I know that someday, I will find the peace that I've prayed for days and nights during my pregnancy and post placement. It might not have come immediately, but it still came.

I fear that Olivia will think I have abandoned her but I wish with all of my heart that her parents will educate her and let her know that it isn't the case. I have already given her the best. I have played a small but significant role in her life and she has many more life experiences to be written in her own book.

I wish that one day that she will want to find me and to know about me. To know about her and my love for her. I fear that she will never know how much I love her and that I deeply care about her. I wish someday she will seek for that.

I will be starting another blog. I don't know when- but I'm not going to announce it on here when I do. Please don't add me on Facebook or leave rude questions on my Formspring or ask me "what happened." It's not your business. If I wanted to make it your business, I would announce it here or just tell you in person. So, take this as a goodbye. I'm truly grateful for everything that everyone has ever done for me and for your kind words. Right now, all I need is your prayers. Thank you so much for reading this and I hope it continues to inspire those who continue through this journey of adoption. My journey ends here... for now.

Tonight is another night where I will hold my "Olivia bear" wrapped in her hospital blankets wishing it was her and that tomorrow wasn't ever going to come. But tomorrow always does. We don't need to hold on to yesterday. We don't need to fear tomorrow, but embrace it. This too shall pass.

‎"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is; even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you."
— Winnie the Pooh
If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, "But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today."


Well, I made a print screen of the person who won but for some reason, it's not working. So you're just going to have to trust me.

Winner is.... COMMENT #11

Carlie and Trent and Co. :)


Bree will contact you and you can set up when your free photoshoot will be!

Thanks for everyone else who joined in on the giveaway fun! :) I will send something out to you all who participated!! E-mail me your address. My e-mail is in my about me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Hey, I know I rarely ever do these but they're SO MUCH fun when I do. :) So my friend from Bluebird Pictures, Bree, asked me host this giveaway. I think I met her almost 2 years ago. I met her while I was pregnant. She has a personality that will light up a room.

Well, Bree is an aspiring photographer. She has recently started her own business. She would like to do a photo session giveaway and since it was recently Birthmother's/Mother's day. She would like to do this in honor of Birthmoms (You don't have to be a birthmom to win this giveaway)! I support this ;) And you want to know something extra special about Bree? She placed a baby for adoption 8 1/2 years ago so she's a birthmom too! She's my role model birthmom :)

You know A-families would be a perfect gift for the birthparents in your life? Some fabulous pictures :) Or hoping to adopt? This would be some great pictures to put on your profile or pass along cards. I know when my A-family was in town what I really wanted for my birthday was to take some pictures (the timing just didn't work when they were here to do them). So birthmoms- if the adoptive family lives close by take some pictures with them. :) Or if they live far away you can send some to them or maybe a cute new facebook profile pic-pic. :)

Here are the guidelines:

Anyone can enter including adoptive families/couples/or if there are some peeps out there that aren't involved in adoption but you HAVE to love adoption. No adoption haters.

The session will include:

Time, talent
10 edited images on a disc
choice of location or studio
an 8x10 of your choice

To enter, you need to follow MY blog. Bluebird's photography blog. And "like" Bree's photography page- Bluebird Pictures on Facebook
Also you need to leave a comment who this is for. :) i.e. I'm a birthmom. I'm an adoptive mom. I'm an adoptee. I'm a friend of so and so who's a birthmom. I love adoption. One of my family members is adopted. My friend is adopted. Whatever it is :)

You need to comment on THIS post to be qualified stating that youv'e met the criteria :)
-Follow My Blog
-Who this is for/why you love adoption

Feel free to share this on your Facebook or blog. I want EVERYONE in Utah to know about this :)

And if you don't win this giveaway, feel free to look at her services. She has very affordable prices!! She's doing some "bridals" for me coming up. :) I'm SO excited!

The deadline for this giveaway is: Sunday, May 15th 11:59 P.M.
We will randomize the name on Monday.

Love Adoption <3

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day!

You all think you have a great mom? Well, mine is the BEST! Just sayin'.

My mom wrote her side of the story while I was going through my pregnancy and after placement. You can read that here. Be prepared. You're going to need some tissues. <3 My mom is SO wonderful. I know growing up I used to think, "I never want to be like my mom." Well, I've grown up and I've changed and I hope with all of my heart that I'm just like her. My mom has always been there for me, through the good and the bad times. She's my best friend and I can tell her anything and everything. I love my mommy :)

Today, is a very special day for some very special people in my life. Well, two years ago yesterday, I went into an ultrasound to figure out what gender my baby was going to be. I was nervously awaiting the news. I was in the waiting room with my mom, my sister Kat, and N (the birthfather). The night before THAT, I had all the anxiety in the world. I had all these what if's run through my mind. What if this wasn't real? What if I'm having a hysterical pregnancy and I'm just getting fat (haha)? What if D & V find out that I'm going to place with them (I really wanted it to be a surprise)? What if they don't accept me or my baby? 

That day was a very peaceful day for me. I was laying down in the chair and before the ultrasound started. We went around the room to say what we thought the gender was. In the beginning of my pregnancy, I really wanted a boy. Only because I come from a house full of girls and my sister was also pregnant at the time and she just found out she had a boy. So I was pretty dead set on it. And then last minute, I changed my mind. It was like I KNEW I was going to have a girl. N said, boy. My mom and sister said girl.

My what if's faded away as I saw my little GIRL dancing on the screen. A girl. A daughter for D&V. My heart didn't hurt the way I thought it would. My heart knew what it was going to be and who she was meant to be with. There's no way to explain my emotions that day. Me and my sister hurried to Wal*Mart to grab all the girlie things we could find to send in an overnight package to Virginia. 

Then it was the waiting game. I waited all the next day for it to arrive. I'm pretty sure I checked the tracking number and I knew it was there because someone had signed it. And I was hoping that they were going to call me before I went into work before 5. But I still hadn't heard anything. I checked my phone and I had a missed call. I hurried to the bathroom to call them back and tell them I wasn't ignoring them and that I was just at work and I was going to have to call them back later.

My heart was pounding until I got off work. I called them and they picked up on the second ring. Their voices seemed so nervous to be excited over the phone. I wanted confirmation right away if they were planning on being my little girl's parents. They yelled, "YES! Of course, we would LOVE to!" V wanted to wait and open it until D came home from work because it had his name on it too.

Here's the day that I blogged about this very loving experience. These two days are the days that I keep in my heart forever. Kind of lucky that this year they both landed on Birth Mother's Day and Mother's Day. :)

I read this AWESOME article that Mrs. R posted on Facebook. You can read the article here. But this quote is what I needed to read, 

I’ll never say “Happy Birthmother’s Day” to anyone, because that’s not what it is for me. But I will wish birthmothers everywhere — whether they acknowledge today or not — peace for this weekend. It’s a hard weekend and it involves a realization of that loss whether you stand with others or not. You are all in my heart.

I needed this peace today. Today, I think about my mom. I think about the women who have for years (or still) grieve about Mother's day and hope they find their peace. I think about the women who have waited for years to face Mother's day with their miracle baby. I think about V and the wonderful mother she is to Olivia and the example she is not in just Olivia's life but in my life. When choosing a family, I knew I wanted to pick the perfect example of a mother that I wanted to be. I wanted to pick a perfect father figure the way I want my husband to be. I think I found the perfect family. Mrs. R just has a way with words. I love what she believes the way Mother's Day should be celebrated, read it here.

"I pray I never forget that I became a mother through the broken heart of another. Today [tomorrow] my motherhood will be celebrated but yesterday [today] I chose to honor the mother whose ultimate sacrifice makes my today [tomorrow]  possible." - Jill Catlet
The [brackets] are what the real quote is but I'm applying it for today.

For birthmother's day: I got a super cute picture message of Olivia and a very sugary, sweet text from the A-fam. love them dearly. I got up at like 9 in the morning. Then we went out to lunch. Got my mom her Mother's day gift.  I'm lucky to have all of these fabulous people in my life.

I love this article too, On Mother's Day, Honor Moms Who Chose Adoption Over Abortion.

I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's day and celebrate in your own special way. Either celebrating yourself being a first time mom (or a mother again), honoring your mom, remembering the child you have lost, honoring yourself (or friend or relative) and the selfless sacrifice you made for the child you have placed or celebrating that you gave the gift of motherhood to a special woman in your life. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Birth Mother's Day!

Happy BirthMother's Day! Remember the selfless sacrifice that BMoms have done with all the capacity of their hearts and placing their angels for adoption. Remember who they are and the courageous souls they have. Thank them for giving the gift to someone to be a family the treasure they couldn't give themselves. Repost this if you or someone you know didn't give their child up but has given their child more.

Repost this via blog, facebook or twitter :)

Originially it said:
Happy Birth Mother's Day! Remember the self-less sacrifice that birth moms have given their children by putting them first and loving them with all the capacity in their hearts and place their angels for adoption. Remember who they are and the courageous souls they have. Thank them for giving the gift to someone to be a family, the treasure they couldn't give themselves. Repost this, if you or someone you know didn't give their child up but has given them more. I'm a proud birthmommy!

But it had too many characters to post as a facebook status :)

I think I have already written about Birthmother's day before. But that was my first one and I think I was bitter about the fact that we all couldn't be celebrated as Mother's on the same day. But my heart has been softening towards it, after a year. Mother's day is still really difficult for me.  I thought maybe that I could pull it off. But I knew I couldn't. I cried when someone announced they were pregnant at Church. How could I possibly be ready for Mother's day? Well, I'm a primary teacher and the Sunday before. They practice all of the Mother's day songs for the next Sunday. And I'm just bawling through all of the songs and just left. I don't have a little someone singing those songs to me, she's singing for the mother I gave her. I know it would probably be better for me to focus on my own Mother but I can't help but think, "I'm a mother." Which is stupid because I know I'm not. It's such an out of body experience for me to see her and to think, I gave birth to this little one and a half year old. I don't remember her growing up. I remember holding her in my arms, tears streaming down my face and kissing her forehead and wishing silently for another day as her mom.

I like what Brittany said on her blog, "Birthmother's day comes first, because you came first."

It's every birthmother's perosnal preference which day they want to celebrate "their" day. Birth Mother's day is always the day before Mother's Day. Happy BirthMother's day to you wonderful women! :)

Are you an adoptive parent and don't know what to do for birthmother's/mother's day for that special woman in your life? Check out this article. Or check out some sweet gifts here.

Two years ago today... I found out I was having a baby girl!!! :)