Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Just a Glimpse

It's a pretty late night. I figured I'd just take a minute and capture everything that has happened this past weekend before I forget. Tayler came to visit for a little, I wanted him to see Olivia (also D, V, & B of course). So, I totally forgot my memory card for my camera so the only ones I have are the ones from my phone. But V took some pictures for us on her camera. But I probably won't get the pictures until next week. They're borrowing Kingsburg and Tayler will be in town (We're getting our engagements done on Monday. I can't wait!) this weekend. I just saw Eclipse with my friends McCall and Emmalee from work. They will also be my bridesmaids :) Along with my 3 sisters and Tayler's 2 sisters (I hope). I really missed Jessica tonight. She and I went saw the midnight showing of New Moon together. That was one of the best midnight showings I had ever been to with her, that's probably why Eclipse wasn't that great to me.

I just felt like in the movie that everyone just wanted to get up on each other. I'm like, thanks. I feel super uncomfortable. My personal space was violated.

This weekend, me and Tayler when to Dustinn and Val's cabin.

Well, I was seriously so happy the moment we walked in the door to the cabin. Olivia came crawling around the corner and just stared at us when we walked in. Bradshaw came running up saying, "Hi friends!" And greeted by hugs from Dustinn and Val. We all had a great time just sitting around, talking, laughing, joking, playing our games, playing hide and seek with Bradshaw, watching Olivia just cuddle up next to Tayler and give him the sweetest hugs. She was so intrigued by him. It was so cute. She would just flirt with him from across the room. It was so stinkin' adorable. I seriously, can NOT wait to have kids with this guy. Okay, I can wait. But, it'll seriously be amazing when I do.

I caught a quick glimpse. But at the same time. A little trigger. I kept it inside most of the night until our drive down the canyon.

We gave Olivia a bottle because she was tired and Dustinn put her in her crib to sleep probably around 9. She woke up again a little bit before Val's sister came through the door. Bradshaw and Olivia started crying at the same time. So while Val tended to Bradshaw (Dustinn had to unlock the gates for L) I picked up Olivia out of her crib. Okay, her bedhead was so adorable. Even though she was crying, I thought she was the cutest thing. I laughed and I was like, yeah. That's totally me when I get woken up or have to wake up early in the morning. Tayler was in the living room and he told me to sit in the rocking chair and try to rock her back to sleep. It seriously took everything in me not to break out into tears in this next moment. Tayler brings over this blanket and drapes it around Olivia and me and kisses my forehead. It was a small, simple gesture but it was a HUGE deal. When I was telling him how I felt on the drive down, I sort of laughed at myself while I was crying and said outloud, "It was just a blanket. But it meant so much."

I told him every little thing that went through my head. The first thought when getting Olivia: This is how it would be if I would've parented. It seriously felt so natural and so right. I wasn't bugged about her waking up crying (but that's probably because I wasn't asleep. It was probably around 11.)I just loved her so much in that moment. My second thought: The hospital. It probably felt so natural because I did have to wake up to her when she was crying. I couldn't just say, "Oh, your mom will come get you." I was her mother. I probably have felt little things to an extent what it's like to be a mother but I genuinely, cherish that moment. I'm not sure how many more experiences I will have just picking her up and rocking her to sleep while she cries. I had my two days. I don't get anymore than that. But when I watched her/baby sat her for two weeks after. I had a little taste of taking care of a baby after being home from the hospital for those two weeks. I saw her again a few months later a handful of times. It just sort of felt like, I was with friends, holding THEIR baby. Then I have this moment, where for a split second, she was mine again.

Oh how much I just miss calling her mine. How much I have just wanted to hold her and rock her and I got that chance and it's just incredible.

I was just telling Tayler all these little thoughts that popped into my mind. When he came over and brought me the blanket. It again, felt natural. How much I know that it's not just me that he loves. That he's going to love our future children. Just that little act meant so much to me.

It just makes me reflect, if I would have parented. Would her bio dad been there for her? He probably would tell me right now, yeah. But that's because he's lost her. But he's not the only one experiencing the loss. I lost too. I broke my heart just so she could have that. So she could have a father and it seriously has brought me so much joy to see that influence in little Olivia's life.

So that brings me to my last thought. If I would have parented. Where would I be? I probably wouldn't even be near as strong as I am today. Who knows, I could have had to go to court for some assigned agreement that there would be joint custody. How far would I really be? How far would she really be? I'm sure I would be grateful. But would I be as happy? Would I feel remorseful, knowing that I couldn't give her everything she wanted? I would love to say yes. It could've happened. But I don't know that. Sometimes life is about taking risks but I didn't want to risk my daughter's happiness. If I knew something was going to give her immediate happiness and the best life that she could have, adoption was what was best for me. Some days are hard. Especially weekends like these, but it's another rock that I've had to stumble over to keep me in balance.

Sometimes, I do need to realize that I know many people read this and hang by my every word. That puts a little pressure on me. I think someone made me realize that on my formspring. That I shouldn't be ashamed about having a Temple marriage. I'm used to just trying to impress people. I know where I'm going in life and what I'm doing. I don't need to impress anybody. I've lost some sight of what I'm in this life for and I do need to know it's for me and for God. Not anyone else. Sorry guys, you don't have that much influence on me. ;) I will experience life for myself, not for anyone. I'm sure some of the experiences I have affect other people but ultimately, everything is up to me. I'm the one who is going to have to live with it. Not you. I sometimes forget that I write for me or atleast need to. But lately, it seems like I've written for everyone else. I know you all have good intentions. I don't mind the advice but I'll do what I want. My 200th blog post will be coming up in the next 4 posts, if anybody has any ideas for me to write about. Let me know on my formspring or if you have any questions for me. You can do it all anonymously. Or via blog comments. I'd love to hear from any of you!

Here are some pictures from the weekend (remember some are from my camera phone):

BTW. Have I ever mentioned how much I love notebook doodles?

I went to the dentist today and got my fillings redone on the front teeth (I had been bleaching my teeth and I have fillings on the top part that had to be replaced because they were yellow, my previous tooth color, I really didn't like brushing my teeth as a child with braces). They are now sparkling white! :) I definitely like to smile more now.

I'm getting my hair done on Thursday. Yes, I'm taking out the blonde window. I'm going all red and getting my hair trimmed. I'm also getting my nails done on Saturday. Probably the first time since high school. No luck on my job interviews. But, who knows. There could possibly be an assistant manager position for me at my work. I'll let you know later when I have more details. :)


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Sunday Visit

Little Olivia was so darling.
She ADORED Tayler.
A new post coming to a blog near you. Haha!
Eclipse tomorrow!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

9 Months Old

Olivia hit the 9 month old mark on June 23!

She's such a big, happy girl. I'm very happy I'll get to see her lots this summer!

June 24 marks 3 months until I'm married!
Tayler is coming to visit and we're seeing Olivia on Sunday :)
It'll be his second time meeting her since January!

I love seeing him with her because I know a picked a guy who will be an AWESOME father someday. He LOVES kids. He makes me so incredibly happy. I get so giddy when I know he's coming to visit.
He's amazing and my stress reliever. :) Anyway. Bye.
Check out the formspring sometime.
Don't be shy!
Tell me what you want to me write next or what you want to hear is going on in my life.
Ask me questions. You can even ask anonymously!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


So you know how I've posted that I've been overwhelmed and full of stress lately? It seriously has taken a huge toll on my attitude. It's not just me that has noticed that. I've been more irritated or annoyed that I just sort of snap back. I finally just had a giant breakdown last night. And you know, (gahhhhhhhh just tearing up as I think about it) the outcome of it was a huge spiritual experience for me.

Just mountains of stress has been built upon me and I felt so bad because I kind of just talked to Tayler until about 2 last night and he had to get up at 5 this morning for work. I apologized for it and he said that he'd do anything for me. So sweet :)

After telling him how I felt, I still felt this heaviness about me. That talking about it just wasn't going to make it better.

I'll make a list of my stress for you:

1. Job- I have a job currently. Yes, it pays the bills. But I find myself living pay check to pay check and I'm trying to look for a job right now as a dental assistant since I finished school. I have probably turned in about 35 resumes in areas such as, Eagle Mountain, Saratoga Springs, Lehi, and American Fork. I have had 2 offices call me back for interviews and both have hired someone else. I'm genuinely worried that I'm going to get married and still not have a job. That I'll just be poor forever and Tayler is going to hate me for being this horrible person.

2. In-Laws- I've been trying to avoid this one for a while to blog about it. But ever since Tayler has told his mom that we are having a civil marriage. She has decided that I'm not good enough for Tayler. That I am now the scum of the earth. That I don't even deserve to be acknoweledged in her home. It's insane. Tayler will tell me everything that his mom says to him about me and a part of me wants to tear her to pieces because I feel like a lot of it is hypocritical. She uses the excuse that I had a baby that I'm not ready to get married. She will point out all of this bad stuff about me to him. I'm like, are you kidding? How old are we? You can't talk to me like an adult? Do I have to talk to you like we're in high school? A part of me really just wants to sit down and talk to them and tell them who I am. Tayler and I have been together probably around 8 months ish. And his family still says that they feel like I don't know me. Tayler did give them a link to one of my blogs and his grandma read it and loved it. And she's willing to give me another chance and I appreciate it. But it's so hard to feel welcomed in his home or be welcomed in his family. I mean, his mom is going to be my mother in-law, the grandmother of our children, and she just acts like if I'm not in the picture that I'm just going to go away. I just don't know what to do to be a "good" daughter in-law. To be someone that his mom approves of him marrying. She DID like me before. I can tell you that. She didn't have a problem talking to me or giving me hugs. And it's sort of declined to that she won't even acknowledge that I'm there or my existence. That my name is like a swear word in her house. Ha. I don't know. I just wish things were better and that she'd get to know me rather than jump the gun and place a label on me that I'm unfit. How does that make me feel? Not very good about myself that's for sure.

3- Friends. This one is a very tough one for me. For some reason lately, friends just tend to walk in and out of my life like it's no big deal. That I'm not getting affected by it. I'm like, oh that's chill. It's hard for me because I'm PAINFULLY trying to find my place with a best friend. I almost feel like I'm trying to find a replacement-Jessica. Tayler tells me all the time that I'll find a friend just like her. But I don't think how much he understands that that will probably never happen in this lifetime. Jessica was just this light in my life. We had our tough times, sure. But you know, that will never take away all the times that she had been there. All the times that I needed advice or someone to just make fun of someone with me. It's been hecka hard. I hang out with friends, sure. But Jessica and I were so much alike. That we laugh at our own stupid jokes or sarcasm. We had the same kind of humor and it's just difficult. I'll probably do my jokes or sarcasm infront of others and it probably isn't as funny. I miss that about her, just laughing, making jokes all the time. I seriously feltl ike she had it all. I wanted to be her most of the time, she'd always be friends with all these hot guys, she was unbelievably beautiful, and funny. In my eyes, if I were a boy, she'd be my dream girl. AAAAAA. Gay. I sounded like a total lesbian. And she'd totally laugh at that moment. She'd probably say something like, yeah. that was pretty lesbo. I just sat there and cried last night that I wasn't ever going to be a good enough friend to anyone. She's like my example that I will never find a friend like her. I know I have many friends, some I consider best friends, but I don't think anyone could ever replace that.

So a lot of it is just money issues and some wedding stress. You know, so much to get done. But I'm having fun doing it. Each and everything we do I get more and more excited to be married.

Last night, just wasn't a very good night for me. I just had a lot on my mind. I was at work and of corse, we got screwed the last hour of work and so it's awesome when you have some people that you work with that don't help you. But I love Mccall. She usually makes me feel sane when I'm there. I was giving Mccall a ride home and we were just sitting in her parking lot. And somehow we got on the topic of Mormons in Utah. You know, I haven't lived in Utah all of my life, contrary to popular belief. I have grown up half of my life outside of Utah. I've known people from other states while living in Utah. I just have a strong belief that yeah, most Mormons are "jack" Mormons. That they are the Mormons that are Mormons on Sunday but do whatever the hell they want every other day of the week. Or the Mormons who will point their fingers at others when there is 3 of them pointing right back at them. You can point out someone's sin but you have sins of your own. As much as you want to believe you lead this picture perfect life for your audience but I'm almost positive that you have a closet full of skeletons and everyone knows it.

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers... make sure your hands are clean."- Bob Marley
I'm sure I've been at fault with that sometimes. But I've NEVER once lied to my Bishop about stuff. I'll say it, I haven't owned a temple recommend in 5 years. Because I know, personally, I'm not ready yet. I'm not worthy yet to go through those doors. I'd rather be damned as a sinner than damned as a liar at the judgment day. I would not want to go inside the Temple unless I was fully worthy and clean to be there instead of have the guilty conscience on my mind thinking, "Should I be here? Am I allowed to be here? I haven't fully confessed." Duh. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves? If you even have to ask yourself that then you should probably get that worked out.
That's why it was so hard for me to believe I could find a good guy in Utah. I'll tell you, that I've been with a RM and we did things that he probably shouldn't have done. It wasn't ANY force on me. It was more he was forcing me to do stuff with him. Which was ridiculous. I talk to friends and they tell me what she and her boyfriend did the night before. But in the moment, he was getting his temple recommend interview. I'm like, really? Can he even have a temple recommend? I guess everyone in Utah isn't reading the same guidelines as everyone else. Right? I know it's not just "Utah Mormons" and I know some of you may believe I'm a textbook hypocrite. But I'm taking my own path to get on the right one.
What makes me even made sometimes is that I feel like, a certain friend of mine, that I had to always be on the same path as her. That we all had to be on this righteous path and she is our righteous leader and we're her followers. I'm like, uh, no. That's not how I work. I do my OWN repentance process. I may have some slip ups on the way. But I'm not some Mormon clone either. I went to a friend's homecoming and this kid is HECKA funny. We were worried that when he came home that he wouldn't be the same that he'd be this weird RM. But he totally hadn't changed. And probably what he said in his talk will stick with me for a long time. I'll use my name.

I first didn't know who I was and who I was supposed to be in the beginning of my mission. In the beginning, I was still Stefanie That funny girl, that wild child. Then I started thinking, maybe I need to be more missionary like, I became this uptight, everything needs to be done in this order, very unhappy Sister Stefanie. Then I didn't want to live my whole mission not being who I was. So I had to incorporate who I was in the Gospel and not lose sight of who I really am. So I was Stefanie wearing the Sister Stefanie badge.

I don't want to lose sight of who I am and who I've become. I don't realize how far I have really come in all of this. From this out of control girl to this girl who has made a few mistakes but does every day to try do to better and learn from them. I think I'm doing my best and that's all the Lord asks for. I want to have the Gospel in my life and be that spiritual person everyday and I feel like I'm taking the right steps together. Slowly, but surely. Making sure I don't take this road for granted or skip a few steps and not be ready for it.

As I continue the night, I come home fairly late. And my mom wanted to talk to me about taking my sister to school this morning. Because the car that I usually use to drive to Idaho has broken down. You know, the two days that I use the car. It's automatically MY fault that it's broken and that I didn't check the oil. Whoa. I'm sorry?? It's okay. I guess that's what I'm used to in the family is being the giant screw up. So if anything else goes wrong the blame goes to me right? So I had to drive my sister to school. You know, my mom texted me and asked me if I could drive her to her boyfriends house after school since she's leaving for Oregon tomorrow. I was still sort of irritated. I was going to ask her a question and she wouldn't let me get ONE word in. It was like she had a word vomit of how horrible of a sister I am. That I can't do one nice thing for anyone in this house and that I'm pretty much selfish. Ouch. Thanks, mom. That's really what I needed to hear tonight. All I wanted to ask is if her boyfriend's parents could maybe pick her up every once in a while. But nope, it's my fault for breaking down the other car so I have to drive her everywhere. Awesome.

So that's where my thought process stemmed. That I'm never going to be a good enough daughter, a good enough worker, a good enough daughter in-law, a good enough sister, a good enough wife. I was just ready to be done and be even more angry with everyone and myself. I was telling Tayler and he said, you know. You should probably pray. He's also a very good listener. I promised him I would. I wasn't tired so I went back upstairs and watched the Bachelorette on my DVR. (I probably have insomnia. I can't go to sleep until about 3 or 4 in the morning)
So at about 3:30 in the morning I went back to bed. And I remembered that I needed to pray. I got on my knees and said the most sincerest prayer. Asking for guidance and thanking him for so many things in my life. Including Tayler. Asking him for help if at all possible. I'm just pleading and crying out for help. Something I probably hadn't done since Olivia's placement. I've had people say, "you can do hard things. You are a strong person." I didn't want to be strong. I had been strong for so long that I had become this person that didn't feel anything but anger because I couldn't get everything out. I wanted to break down and let people know I'm human. I am who I am and nothing will change that. And yeah, placing Olivia for adoption was the hardest thing I probably will ever do. But it's not like every hard trial in my life I compare it to placing my daughter for adoption. Because I could be completely irrelevant to what I'm going through. The pain and the suffering that I went through with that is locked in a part of my brain that I hope NEVER comes back. So each moment that I'm given, I don't say to myself, "Well, I can do anything. I had given up the best thing that has happened to me." I could use it as motivation. But, I treat ever trial differently when it comes my way. I really don't ever want to feel that pain again. I feel as though I'm doing what I can for myself to make things maybe a little bit better and a little bit easier to get to where I want.
I hope that tangent all makes sense.
After my prayer, that heaviness that I felt earlier. I felt that it was gone. For some reason, it felt like I was on this holy ground and that God was in the next room. It sort of creeped me out because the light was on in the next room and I thought I had turned it off. I'm like, great. Now I'm being greeted by a spiritual being. That's how I need to end this night. Perfect. Haha.

I realized for myself what I need to do to get on the right path. Who am I? I'll tell you. I hate being told what to do. I want to learn things my own way. I'm sure that's probably the stubborn side of me but I want to learn for myself. I don't want anyone to take my burden or trials from me. I'm sure there is one person that would love to and who has and that's Jesus Christ. He's my Savior. And He has helped me through SO much. And in my prayer, I told him that I felt like I needed to do it on my own. No one should ever have to go through anything alone. You will always have a best friend. You just need to get on your knees and pray. He's willing to listen and do what He can to help you through anything. Don't take that for granted and don't feel like you're a burden to Him. You're His child and He's willing to listen. :)
Sorry this long and none of it probably made any sense. But I hope it helps some of you along the way.

Also, can I please just tell you how perfect Tayler is? I appreciate everything he does. And how willing he is to just stand by my side and help me through everything. I'm sure that my break downs aren't any fun for him. Haha. I'm looking back through my text that I sent him last night before I went to bed. I think I told you that I watched the Bachelorette last night. I'm a total goof.
I sent, "Hi baby. I'm just getting in bed right now. But I just wanted to tell you good night and thank you for not giving up on me. I was watching my show and I realize how lucky I am to have found you. I didn't need to go on a TV show to find love. You're right in front of me and you're going to be the most perfect husband on the planet. I love you with all of my heart. You're the greatest."

He sent me this, this morning (I love morning texts especially these sweet ones), "Good morning baby I hope you slept well. Thank you for the text last night. I know that you are perfect for me and I know you will be an amazing mom of my kids. I love you. Don't ever give up sweetie."

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.

Monday, June 21, 2010


Me, Val and Olivia
Dustinn won Kingsburg!

Grandma J and Olivia

Grandpa R and Olivia

Auntie Ruth, Me, and Olivia

Auntie Ruth and Olivia
So much fun :) Tayler will be coming out next weekend to see Olivia!!
I'm so stoked.
My oldest sister also had her second baby on Saturday. A new niece for me :)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Poppa and Momma

So I thought I would make a blog in honor of my father for father's day. Shoot.

My dad grew up with all brothers. Now imagine having to raise 6 daughters. I'm sure when we were younger and crying my dad wanted to say, "Rub some dirt in it and stop crying." My dad was also in the military for 25 years and retired as a Lt. Colonel in the Army. So yes, I am an Army brat. But my dad is a very caring and compassionate person. I'm sure it helps to raise 6 girls and all their emotions with it. But he's a pretty cool dad. He has his quirks.

Here's an example from this morning. I woke up fairly early to go to a friend's homecoming and his meeting was at 9. My bedroom door is right next to the garage door. I went to go downstairs to grab some clothes out of my room and the garage door was open and it was dark in there and I hear this deep voice coming from the depths of darkness saying, "Good morning." I, of course, jumped. That's something from a scary movie! I got really irritated and said, "Good morning, don't do that ever again." Haha. Nice way to start of Father's day right?

My dad was always gone a lot doing stuff for the military. But I remember visiting him at work and playing in the little sand box with the army figurines. And when we would travel and stay at hotels, without fail we would be at the pool and he'd be throwing us around in it. I've always known my dad as caring for others and sympathizing with them. I'm sure he has been disappointed in his daughters at one point or another but he has never turned the other cheek. He has always opened his arms and helped them through what they were going through. That's probably where I get my compassion from ;) haha.

He is a big game player. I'm sure tonight he'll want to break out some Kingsburg or Settlers of Catan. He loves his movie and his Perry Mason tv shows. There has been a few times when I've wanted to catch up on American Idol and he'd be watching his show. I curse at comcast sometimes for playing his show. But he enjoys it.

My dad is one spiritual guy. He was a singles ward bishop for a while. So it's good to hear his counsel and I really take it to heart. I love my dad and for everything he has done. :) haha. I hope my mom doesn't hate me for not making a blog for her for mother's day. Maybe I'll just do a quick belated one.

My mom... oh gosh. I serioulsy just have to chuckle everytime I think about my mom. She is just so funny. From her fro to her forgetfulness. It's just so easy to tease her. But my mom seriously my rock. Growing up, I didn't have a good relationship with my mom. My friends were more important as a teenager, duh. Ever since me and J broke up and I started dating Nic I would talk to my mom more. I seriously can tell you that she's my best friend. I probably wouldn't have said that 4 years ago. But she is.

I will tell her things when I'm upset and she's willing to listen. Even when she's at work and I just want to vent. She'll be like, Well. I'm sorry. Sometimes she'll just agree with me when I believe people are being stupid about things. She'll give me her advice but she has never been one to tell me to do one thing or another. She has always been supportive of my decisions, even if they weren't good ones. I'm sure she'd be disappointed but she's always been there.

I look up to my mom. She's such a genuinely sweet lady. I love her to death. :) I hope to be an awesome mom and and wife that she is. I mean, she cooks, she cleans, she's a gardener. She is just so versatile. I don't know how she does it all. She is just very balanced especially in her spirituality. Her spirit just lights up a room when she's bearing her testimony. I've seen her bear it many times at Church and it's so strong and amazing.

I love both of my parents. :)

This is my fambam.

Happy father's day to all you father's and father's-to-be. I also would like to say happy father's day to Dustinn. Adoption is just so awesome. And I know Dustinn is an awesome dad to little Olivia. And to see how much she just loves on him is amazing. I knew in my heart, that if I would've kept Olivia I don't think that she would've had that father figure in her life. And I'm so grateful that she does now.

I get to see Dustinn, Valery, Bradshaw, and Olivia today. In about 5 hours :) It's been 6 months. Holy cow. Don't worry. I'll post MANYYYYYYYYY pictures. As many as I can.

Love you all.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Baby Blessing

Okay. I'm actually going to do a blog about adoption. Something that I haven't done in a while. But I realized that I need to get my feelings out. I need to VENT. I've shed some pretty serious tears today.

I'm visiting Tayler in Idaho for the weekend. I'm staying at his friend's house. And I went out to see him because one of his friends (his "sister") had a baby. And the blessing was today. They are just way close and call each other brother and sister. She and her husband are SUPER cute and they made a SUPER cute baby. I'll call the baby CJ for privacy purposes.

Me and Tayler took his car and you know, I didn't think of the baby blessing much on the way. I was seeing a good friend of Tayler's. Who practically has adopted me as her sister. And I hadn't seen CJ yet. And I was pretty stoked.

When we got there, we walked into the house (Yes, they had her blessed in their home, not in a church). Sister's husband was holding CJ. CJ was in this GORGEOUS little white dress. It was white and had these little flowers on it with little sparkly jewels in the middle of the flowers. And for some reason, maybe just to me. CJ quickly resembled Olivia to me. It's like she almost morphed in to her and I instantly went into mommy mode. I bet sister is going to think I'm a FREAK for thinking that. She's probably thinking, "Oh, no way! This is my baby!" I get that. Yes. But in that moment. I missed the baby Olivia.

Yes, Olivia is still a baby. But she's practically walking now. She'll be 9 months old at the end of this month. 9 months have passed. It's been 6 since I've seen her. CJ was 3 months old. The exact same age Olivia was the last time I saw her. But Olivia was so advanced. I couldn't just hold her like a newborn baby anymore. After the blessing, Tayler saw I was crying and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I would tell him later. And he pulled me aside outside. And he asked me again what was wrong. And I don't exactly remember what I said. To the extent it was about Olivia and how she'd be blessed soon.

I know that in the past, I've written blogs where I've been okay with the idea of her being blessed and sealed. I'm still okay with that. But in that moment, I just realized it's all real. Even though CJ isn't mine. Olivia is. Er. Was? How do I even say that? I've had people ask me, "Don't you think Dustinn and Val are offended that you talk about Olivia like she's your daughter?" She's my BIRTHdaughter. That will NEVER go away. Nothing will take that away. You don't just give birth and sign some papers and walk out of the hospital without any feelings (contrary to popular belief).

It's all sort of denial through your pregnancy. You look at a pregnancy test (or find out from your doctor) and you're pregnant. You're in denial because you don't feel anything yet. Then you hear the heartbeat and you're like, okay... I guess I really am pregnant. You feel the baby kick for the first time, I'm even more pregnant. You see your little one on the big screen, and you're like, WHAT? That's in me? I AM pregnant? Your belly gets bigger. You're still in that denial. Then that human being enters the world and you're like, "Wow. I was pregnant."

You learn to grow a bond while that baby is inside of you. Some people don't realize how much you actually even sacrifice before having your baby. You have to eat healthy for your baby, you have to keep yourself healthy, follow all the rules on the little pregnancy website. Whatever it is you do. Even after that baby is born, it still needs your attention. 24/7. They can't change their own clothes, their own diapers, or feed themselves. You have to do it. I sacrificed my sleep just to stay up all night with Olivia in the hospital. While most mothers, after giving birth, send their babies to the nursery. I wanted to memorize every sound, every movement, every smell. I wanted that.

The bond doesn't just automatically stop after you sign papers. I still cried. I still cry to this day that Olivia isn't in my home. I still get pictures and updates, sure. But some days, I do realize how much I'm missing out on and I will never get that time back. Yes, I made that decision for her to be with her family. It's not that I look back and regret my decision. I just feel like I missed out on a lot of her life. But that's a lot of how it will be.

This girl that I know that has recently placed, I read her blog and seriously, I couldn't describe placement any better than she did. Her blog is private so I will keep her and her baby's name confidential as well. She has such a strong and sweet spirit. Oh yeah, by what she describes is about the same amount of pain that each birth mother endures. We may not all go through placement the same, but we have all been through the same thing. We gotta stay strong for each other but if we also feel like we want to fall apart, we can for each other because we've all been there at some point. I hope this girl know she's loved and she can talk to me anytime. :)
"I had spent the past 9 months preparing for that final moment. The moment when I'd literally have to say goodbye and relinquish my parental rights. Well, I can tell you that no amount of counseling could have prepared me for the real thing. It was the most heart breaking moment of my life. Living through that first night without S was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My arms literally ached to hold her in my arms. The memories of her sweet little face and her big beautiful eyes looking up at me caused me so much emotional pain that it actually became physical. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't function. I barely made it through that first night. I was screaming out prayers to just make it through with out going insane. It's only been two days now, and it's still extremely hard, but I can already feel Heavenly Father easing my pain. I know that the pain will never fully leave me, but I do know that it will fade to a point where I can start to live again."

Anyway, totally getting off topic. So after I told Tayler that. He tried the best he could to comfort me and he said to me, "Maybe it'll make you feel better if you hold her." My first initial reaction was to smack him and say, "Maybe you're crazy and I want to be by myself." But I went with my second reaction and cried. I wanted more than anything to be in sister's shoes in that moment. To have everyone in that room, crowded around my baby, MY Olivia. But I wasn't going to have that. We went back in after I felt I had calmed down. Sister handed CJ to Tayler. And Tayler offered for me to hold her. And I didn't hesitate. Yeah, it had been a while since I held a baby that small. But I wanted in that moment, to go back in time and be back in that hospital room. I wanted to be welcoming Olivia into the world again. Saying hi over and over. I cried as soon as she was placed in my arms.

She got fussy and had to go back to mom and dad to be fed. Then we went outside to eat some refreshments and I asked to hold CJ again so that her dad could eat. I just wanted to hold her again. But knowing that whole time, CJ wasn't mine. But I wished more than anything that she'd be Olivia again. After she was done eating. I went to burp her and of course, she spit up all over my shirt. Sister pointed it out. But I didn't care. I wanted to wear it proudly.

As I believe, I could be wrong, most mothers take those moments for granted. They take those moments at nights when a baby is screaming loudly in their ear at 3 in the morning. When a baby spits up all over their church outfit. These past 9 months. I would've loved every minute of that. I would've loved it if someone said to me, "Time to go back to mom" when the baby started crying. I guess it's that burden of knowing what having empty arms felt like.

I wanted to share this quote that Jessica's mom posted on her Facebook,
"Your sadness is real, yet it need not be final. While it brings you pain it can also bring wisdom and strength. From it you will learn secrets about yourself and truths about others, You have known deep joy before;you can yet again. Despite your brokenness, and somehow even because of it, wholeness awaits you. Despite what you have lost, and some how even because of it, you stand to gain. You hold the possibility of experiencing life with a maturity and a compassion and appreciation you have never known before. So be open. Know that the life which flows through you has been given as a sacred gift. Cherish that gift. Nurture it. Above all else, hallow the preciousness of each passing moment that is yours, for this is where the miracle of life resides, and this is where you must go to find it. Finally, remember that your destiny was predicted by the writer of the Book of Job: "You will forget your misery, you will remember it as waters that have passed away, and your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning. And you will have confidence, because there is hope"! (James E. Miller from the book Listen to your Sadness; Finding Hope Again After Despair Invades Your Life)

You know, I could even react totally different to when Olivia will be blessed. I could be totally stoked and happy. Maybe this was just a good wake up call for me. Or maybe I really did need to grieve just a little bit. God's been putting that on me lately. That I need to realize that it's okay to cry to sometimes. Even in front of other people. It doesn't mean that I'm this fragile soul that will fall apart any minute. But, believe it or not. I am a human being. I do have feelings. I do get hurt sometimes by what other people say. I am vulnerable. Use it however you want. Just don't use it to your advantage. I trust that you won't.

I feel a lot better to get that off my chest. Here is my formspring. Feel free to ask me any questions. Feel free to tell me what you'd like to hear from me. Anything marriage, adoption, or life related. I'd like to hear it. I feel like my blog is this huge mess. I hope everything comes out all right.

Thanks for reading.

Here's a picture from today. Tayler was showing me their puppies that his younger brother got for hunting. This one's name is KeeLa.
I hope you all had a beautiful Sunday. Pray that I'll get a call this week for a job. :) Thanks!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


My beautiful best friend Jessica would've turned 18 today.
She looked forward to this day more than anything.
What 17 year old can't wait to be 18 and legal?

Her mom planned a birthday party at her graveside.

We all miss you Jessica
I hope you're having a great party in heaven
and I hope that you came down to visit us for a little bit.

We all love you.
Happy birthday BFF.

I wanted to post her video again that I made for her funeral. It's in three's.

I'm also posting a "music video" that me and Jessica made.

You'll never be forgotten

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Tayler turned 22 on June 7!

First I surprised him with breakfast in bed.
I know, I'm super hot and he's super lucky to wake up to THAT every morning.
Not the breakfast in bed, my face. haha.

We planned on going to Seven Peaks for his birthday.
It was a BLAST.

After that, we went home and got ready to go to the Pizza Factory for his birthday.
Then to a movie of his choice, Prince of Persia.
I thought this was a perfect photo op. Proof that we celebrated the day of his birth.

Mmmm. Dessert! Never on "Sundae"

And this, my friends, is my new computer. :) My graduation present from my parents!
It's a touch screen desktop. I'm on it right now doing this blog!

Happy birthday, Tayler. I LOVE YOU!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Guest Blog: My Story

Hey ya'll. I wanted to let you know that this sweet woman, Karine. She's a hopeful adoptive mom who has made her own adoption blog and a blog to share open adoption stories. She asked me a while back to write my story and so I did. She's seriously such a doll. I hope she doesn't mind that I post this. This part below is in the open adoption blog called Matters of the Heart.

My name is Karine and I made this blog because I wanted to share the many things I have learned so far in my adoption journey. (just for the record, I am a hopeful adoptive parent, have not yet been chosen or blessed by a birth mothers love) At first I didn't understand the selfless love these woman were capable of. The strength they had to do the right thing for their child. I didn't understand who these woman were, how they came to these choices and why it is important to have an open adoption. I was uneducated and my fears were that "OPEN" meant the birth parents could come in and take my child from me or that they would want to be the parent and over step their boundaries. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE!!!!!! It is really important that people know this!!!!!! That they realize adoption is about the CHILD. The LOVE for the child. These woman are amazing women!!!!! Sadly many of these woman are not appreciated enough, respected enough or loved enough for their selfless act of love for the child they brought into this world. I took some educational classes on open adoption and about birth mothers through my adoptionagency, LDS Family Services. There was a wonderful birth mother panel one night. I think those are the most effective classes ever! There sat before me were 7 amazing women who chose to place their child with families. ONLY 2 out of the 7 had a wonderful experience with their adoptive couples they chose. Only 2 had an open adoption after papers were signed and the child was placed.ONLY 2 actually received what they were told they would in the relationship with the adoptive family. The rest thought they were going to be able to have an open adoption, but shortly after papers were signed, things were closed off for them. IT BROKE MY HEART to see these woman so badly treated, mislead and lied to. Their heart ache was felt by all those in that room that night. My husband and I sat there with streams of tears flowing down our cheeks. These woman I have come to LOVE AND RESPECT! They are AMAZING to me! I am BLESSED for knowing them! The more I learned the more I realized that these woman don't want to come and take the child back. They just want to be apart of watching the child grow up. They don't want to play MOMMY either.They want to be recognized for who they are, the BIRTH MOTHERS!The wonderful woman who brought these children into the world. They have the RIGHT to LOVE this child as any adoptive parent through out the child's life! The child deserves to have BOTH his Mother's Love, to know where he/she came from.
I know that our birth mother will be able to give our child something I may not be able to give that child, a sense of where they came from.To have an open adoption to me, means making my birth mother family. She will be my friend/sister.We will communicate a lot... our feeligns and thoughts. She will know how I feel and if i am uncomfortable with anything and I will know what her needs are. If she needs more pictures, more communication, even visits or if she needs space. To me, open adoption is about love and the child. Giving that child the best of both worlds. More people to love him/her and to be apart of his/her life. More understanding of how special they are and how Heavenly Father has a plan and purpose for all of us and some of them come through the gift of a birth mothers love.

You can find her adoption (Family Journey into Eternity- Hoping to Adopt and Complete or Family) blog here.
And her open adoption (Matters of the Heart) blog here.
(If you ever want to find them again they are on the side of my blog)

And you can find my story here.

Thank you, Karine :)

And here for your enjoyment some new pictures of Olivia :)